Andrina

Why are you also moving to Germany? Sounds like you made that decision after you reconnected with her and found out about her move.

I've just advised, this week, another poster about the cons of not having a support system and fulfilling life besides having a significant other. Because yes, when she's the sole center of your universe, a breakup feels a lot more devastating and you have a harder time letting go if a relationship is toxic. In your case, you're both accusatory and grasping for straws, looking for plausible excuses. There are two possibilities here. One is that you're not in the right mindset to date because you are distrustful and acting inappropriately. Two is that there is a possibility she is a player. One or both of these things is factual, but the only thing that matters now is, you two shouldn't be dating, either for your sake or hers. If she was a faithful woman with normal self-esteem, she would have blown up that you searched through your phone and told you to go to hell and blocked you. But it's likely she's a player, slippery as an eel, and used to guys catching her so she's grown used to lying and the art of juggling. And speaking as a woman, my family and close friends would know not to blow up my phone when I'm on vacation. I don't know of any young woman who would be putting do not disturb for so long on her phone. Stop the nonsense talk about how you won't be able to handle a breakup. You can retrain the reel that goes on in your brain. Tell yourself you're resilient, and that fate has someone better in store for you. And then stick to dating locally where you can see the reality of a person far sooner than wasting time on a fantasy LDR. I just came across a quote today by Javan that fit this situation to a T. "Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes . . . just be an illusion."

If he's so successful and attractive, at age 40, why hasn't he ever been married or started a family? And just saying so now doesn't mean he means it. He could have been saying what he thought the public would like to hear. He might even hide his sexual preference, as some celebrities do. Are you really being realistic that dating him would be satisfactory, when he is constantly being surrounded by an entourage? Sounds like his one-on-one time is limited. After I dated someone for a year who worked about 68 hours per week, I never wanted again to date someone who rarely had leisure time. I just listened to an interview with Reba Mcentire, and she said that there were thousands of women who had better voices than her, but would never be as successful as her because Reba had to give up a normal personal life to achieve the success she's had. She had to miss some holidays, some of her son's special events like hockey games, etc. She said if those women weren't willing to sacrifice a normal family life, they would never be successful in the music world. How old are you? What's your relationship history been to date?

What you see is what you get. She will always be a part of his life. If you don't want a man who operates like this, never severing ties with an ex, then choose not to date one. You two live together as a couple, and yet he didn't ask if you were okay with others living on the property. Don't expect he will ask your okay about similar things in the future. If you don't want to live with this gut-twisting stress, then date someone with the same boundaries as you. You moved in too quickly before knowing everything about him. What's done is done, but you can still get out of this mess before investing more time with this nonsense.

As an aside, I'm going to advise you don't make your bf the sole center of your social universe for 2 reasons. The first is that even though he may be fine with it now, that situation will end up feeling smothering to him. The second reason is that if you don't have a support system besides him, you will be a whole lot more devastated if a breakup happens. On top of that, you will remain in a toxic relationship because he is all you have in this world. Being shy is not a good excuse for not hanging out with his friends. When you practice the art of socializing, you will get better and better at it. If that DND game bores you, how about inviting one of the couples from the group over for dinner, or to a concert, or any number of activities? With just one other couple, you will be able to get to know each other better. And then if you develop a rapport with one of the women, you can ask her to do something one-on-one with you. You could also start a new hobby with your bf, and it's also good to have your own hobby/interest to get involved in for self-fulfillment. Make your own friends as well, since if a breakup happens, his friends might fade away from you. Remember that a confident person with standards who doesn't put up with BS is a lot more attractive than a shrinking violet with a spine as limp as a wet noodle. Make your solo life fulfilling so that if a breakup happens, you will have the normal upsets most do, but your whole life won't feel as though it has crumbled into total devastation.

If a guy was right for you, this wouldn't be happening. It's okay not to be comfortable with a guy who has a friendship harem. It's your belief, but not necessarily fact. It's quite unbelievable, as people work with both genders, he knows these ladies boyfriends and husbands, etc. There's no way I'd date someone like this. Don't feel like there is a problem with you for feeling like crap about the situation. This also stuck out to me. I don't care if he's been friends with her since birth. A decent man would've said, "We can no longer be friends, because even if my gf isn't your cup of tea, I won't allow anybody to be unkind to her." When you get some distance from this toxicity, you will shake your head at how long you put up with it.

Yeah, when you're not happy in the present, one often looks to the past to find it there. That's easier to visualize, than thinking of an unknown future. IMO, it's not the right to time to contact him, since you would be coming from a place of uneasiness and vulnerability. How about tabling that for now, and get fully established in your new/old digs. Since you're looking to date, join meet up groups. Tell your friends there that you're looking to expand your friendship circle, and that if they hear of parties where you would be welcome to join, to let you know. You never know--you might bump into him when out and about. You could also start a new hobby. Maybe take dance lessons. If you do ever end up in a dating situation with him, see it as the same as starting something with a stranger. I'm sure you're not the same person as you were a decade ago, and he isn't either. Don't move things fast, assuming this was meant to be, or that you can move faster since you have a history. That would be a mistake. You might not even be attracted to him anymore. My brother was FB friends with the bf I had when I was a teen. My brother told me to look at the guy's photo, and I wouldn't have been able to pick him out of a crowd as someone I'd dated, since he looked so different. He hadn't aged well. I hope you make a good life for yourself in your hometown. Good luck.

What people speak of is what is on their minds. So what is on his mind is his harem. This is like a weird, objectifying obsessive way of thinking. So in this brief blurb about him, he has mentioned women, none of them being you, eight times. Someone who objectifies women, and makes that subject a major topic of his discussions--how is he appealing to you? Aren't you bored, repulsed, annoyed, wondering why he's stupid to the fact that you don't enjoy hearing about his musings about exes and female strangers he encounters in daily life? You say you have nobody to talk to about your problems. So are you so starved for company that you didn't leave him as soon as you saw the red flags? He saw you as the perfect prey--someone who is isolated, lacks the self esteem to ensure her own well-being, and puts up with his extreme, mental flaws. Prove him wrong.

The man who is right for you won't induce these toxic emotions within you. And you're dealing with a possibly dangerous situation. Read some articles on sex trafficking. Your self-worth is extremely low, considering your allowance of someone who makes you feel "less than." Subconsciously, that's who you think you deserve--someone who grills you about every detail about your sexual past. This is not normal. In case you don't know what normal is, it's when you find out, in general, about a person's relationship history, such as, "I dated someone for two years, but we grew apart." This just tells you if a person is capable of a long term relationship or not, since if a 30 year old said they had relationships that never lasted more than 2 months, you could expect the same for your relationship. Why have you chosen the hardest type of relationship there is, and you're the one spending the money to go his way? What does your family and friends think of him and your plans?

Looking at it from another perspective, If I was the parent, I wouldn't want a woman around me as I'm dying whom I'd just met (likely about 4 months earlier, since introductions probably hadn't happened immediately. But even 7 mths. is still not that long). People can console each other from a distance when necessary. I would assume that happened. If it was a sister or best friend's wedding, she's been in their lives for many years, and more than 20 years if it's her sister. Missing a major celebration like this would be unfortunate. So she likely was there for him with phone calls, in person before the passing, and upon her return. Have faith that your mate is a grown-up and has the ability to decide for himself if a woman is a good match for him or not. From what I've observed, people don't listen to unasked-for advice given about their partners, so try to let go of something you have no control over.

I would say it's the intent of the compliment and if the man would say it to the woman even if his wife is standing by his side. But even in those instances, the context and big picture is important, because there are men who will be jerks despite their wife's presence. I can think of one instance where it was totally fine. I, and many of my co-workers, attended the funeral of a colleague. Afterwards, we socialized and we all hadn't seen a retired colleague for some time. My male colleague told her, "You get prettier and prettier every time I see you." From knowing that male colleague and his nature, he wasn't flirting. He's a very positive person. He would've said it even if his wife (everyone knows he's happily married, and his wife is also our co-worker) was standing right next to him. I felt there was nothing inappropriate about it.

There are times when a couple can rebuild a marriage after an affair, as in when it's a wake up call about why it happened, what needs to be done in the marriage to build a healthy one, what behavior to avoid so that cheating never happens again, and a love that's treasured so much that you regret almost losing something so wonderful. I'm surprised she had the time and energy to engage in an affair with two tiny children to attend to. And now, she obviously doesn't care that you're sexually unfulfilled nor does she fear losing you, since she allows flirty messages from another man. Have you ever asked what she wants from you, or has she ever suggested what would make her happier in your union? If not, she doesn't want it to work and hopes you'll get so fed up that you'll pull the plug so she doesn't have to deal with your drama if she did it, instead. If she refuses marital counseling, or even if she went but still made no effort to build an emotional connection with you, then you shouldn't live an unfulfilling life. Many people have first marriages that don't work and have a chance at a better life in chapter two. I'm one of them. Good luck and keep us updated.

Many women often have regrets of having sex too soon, but rarely does a woman say, "Gee, I wish I wouldn't have waited so long to do the deed." If your goal is a longterm partner, keep dates to outside of the both of your homes for a few months. Sex is always a titillating fantasy on one's mind when there is chemistry, but a guy who also has a goal of finding a longterm partner will have the patience to wait until you're ready, and will show a true interest in getting to know you and will enjoy your company without knocking boots, in the beginning. If this thing with him doesn't work out, for the next prospect, learn a lesson that you can be flirty without going into the territory that is now disturbing you. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I don't understand your logic of why a person is a better human being to eat the meat of an animal that someone else killed versus one who has killed the animal himself/herself. Anyway, in your shoes, if you're determined to build this friendship, don't become social media friends with him so you won't come across photos that are disturbing to you. And then you can ask him to avoid the subject of hunting with you. In listing one of my own experiences, I once had to drive to different locations with a co-worker, so we'd naturally speak about things. Found out that because of her religion, she believed homosexuals were doomed to go to hell. I told her that she wasn't going to change my mind, and I couldn't change hers, so it was best we avoid that disturbing topic. Problem solved.

I've travelled a lot in my lifetime, and know that no matter where you are, when you're out and about and meeting lots of people, there will always be someone you will feel chemistry with. But LDRs are the hardest form of dating there is, and have a very high failure rate when the relationship hasn't begun locally (such as when a person has to temporarily move away for an education or work). If she's so attractive, why would she want to make an arrangement to date someone where you two rarely see each other in person, and lots of money would have to be spent for visits? With texting and social media, it seems like a person is close, yet they are really so far away. It's like an optical illusion, in a way. Local dating is usually the wiser way to go when dating.

What's your dating/relationship history been up until now? Your behavior went way overboard in this situation, and so if you haven't had much luck in relationships, know that moving too fast and getting emotionally involved too soon will scare a woman away. Slow your roll. Learn to lob the ball over the net. If a woman doesn't make the effort of lobbing it back, don't pick up another ball and try again. If a person can't make an equal effort, leave them alone. Hold out for the person who will make an equal effort from day one. And don't fantasize about some happily ever after before you even meet. Take a wait and see attitude. Live in the present. If you even get to the first date, take it as enjoying each others company in the moment. And if things go well, ask for another date and be realistic that it will take a very long time to really get to know someone. As far as this woman goes, if in fact she has depression, she shouldn't even be dating unless she has it under control. She is not dating material if that's the case. There is a possibility she's lying to just give any old excuse. It doesn't really matter though. The fact that a person ghosting you is someone who you kept chasing shows your self-esteem is lacking. You'll definitely have better luck in dating if you work to boost your self-esteem. If you don't, women will see you as a clingy doormat. You deserve a good woman, so recognize red flags early to cut off the losers quickly, and make a must-have list and stick to it. Take care.

What is a dealbreaker for someone might not be to someone else. To me, once a friendship goes to intimacy, even if it returns to friendship, I'd reject dating someone who had that type of friendship, even if I had a magical way to know he'd never cheat. I'm just not comfortable with that dynamic. And the cheating part at the end of the marriage would show me a person's ethics. If they don't match my ethics, I think it's smarter to assume the person's ethics will remain the same, even as I know an epiphany is possible. To me, it's a high risk to trust my heart with a person who was capable of that behavior. Only you can decide, but I'm weighing in on how I feel, in case it will help.

He wants a FWB situation, not completing cutting the cord, yet not wanting to be in a serious relationship that comes with the expectations of what that entails. Block him, so he's not ripping open a healing scab every time he decides to feed his ego by presenting you with the "grand gift" of his golden words, with you unable to quit him.

How old are each of you? How long did you date before this separation? Does he go to your college, or just lives in that area? Do you possibly overdue, it as in wanting marathon text sessions, and he avoids that? How often did you get together in person during the school year? I would be concerned if someone I believed loved me wouldn't care to hear my voice at least once a day. I would start wondering if he wasn't, in fact, really that into me. When I was dating my future husband locally, we met up a few times a week, and sent a few texts during the day, but he always called me in the evening, or I called him, to hear each other's voices and find out about each others days. At this point, if I were you, I'd only give him equal effort of what he offers as in the above poster's suggestion. If he lets you fade away, and could care less if days go by with each of you doing your own thing, it means he's really not interested in being in a serious relationship. It's a good way to gauge someone's interest or lack of it. And then you could say, "This relationship isn't working for me."

It's never easy, and you will no doubt also experience disappointment in a guy you like on a first meet, but he's not interested. Think of how you would like to be told the news. When I did OLD, I would say: I enjoyed meeting you but don't feel the chemistry I need for a longterm relationship. I wish you the best.

A woman thinks long and hard before breaking up, knowing it means forever. A person like this just isn't that into you, since there were no issues to improve, or she didn't care enough to address any issues. One day you will meet the right one who will never end things. Have faith that everything's working out the way it should, for the best. You can't see it now, but one day, you will. Take care.

Not that there is any good excuse to kiss someone else when taken, you have to see the big picture in this particular situation. She was 20 years old, very young, when giving birth. A person's brain isn't fully mature in the decision making area until about age 25. And there was an emotional disconnection in your partnership at the time. She never had a time to sow her wild oats and didn't have a full array of dating experiences before facing the seriousness of a serious partnership and becoming a mother. From what you've written, in my mind, this was a youthful, momentary, stupid moment that was never repeated. And I believe they were never intimate. Your close friends told you about the flirting. Why would they leave out the more egregious news if the two shared a bedroom? I can't even imagine that she would've used your close friend's bedroom, nor would they have allowed it. If you two had a strong emotional connection now, I don't believe this past would be raising its ugly head again. She's right in that the rehashing of all of this will be a cancer in this relationship. Once a discussion about issues has happened, and everyone moves on from it, there is no reason to bring it up again when everything in the present has been going well. She likely learned from that incident, and vowed to never let it happen again. You, looking at this man's social media is bring everything to the present. I agree that therapy will be important to give you two tools to navigate your problems in a healthy way. Besides that, read some books on how to inject a new spark into your partnership and gain or reestablish a deep emotional connection. People are human and make mistakes. Some are unforgivable, yet for others, a break should be offered. In this case, I'd give her a pass.

I only know when I was contacted by any exes for any reason, it was never welcome. Those were the days when blocking wasn't available. Thank God it exists now. In the worst case scenarios, you will set him back to square one in the healing process. Another bad result could be that he's enjoying a new chance at happiness with a new lady, and that lady questions the relationship when he hears from his ex--a rude intrusion into their bliss. This is a severed connection that needs to stay severed. Feel good that you're doing the hard work of therapy to be the best you that you can be.

If it were my friend, I'd probably suggest a new hobby to him, and maybe even join him in the hobby, to get his mind onto something else--other ways to occupy his time. Martial Arts is great for the body and mind. The YMCA is usually a great place to both work out on equipment plus participate in classes like spinning, Tai Chi, Yoga, swimming. Maybe forming a new routine and the social interaction in these activities will have him feeling less lonely since he no longer has a full house 24/7. Why did he get divorced? How long have you been friends with him?

Even though you may have lost feelings in your 8 year relationship long before you broke up, you still need a good long year alone after such a long relationship before being ready to date again. If you had taken that important time unattached, you would have likely not been drawn into a doomed office entanglement. You failed to see the red flags that were immediately there. And when you begin a new relationship before ending the one you're already in, that will usually end in disaster. Besides your own poor ethics there, a decent woman will NEVER enter into that sticky web of cheating with a taken man. And yes, emotional cheating is just as egregious as physical cheating. It isn't love, so don't fool yourself about that. It's infatuation at such an early stage. You have a lot to learn about how to wisely go back into the dating world, so take this year alone to build a happy life solo, while reading about relationships and dating to educate yourself on how to go about finding that special someone in far better ways.