Andrina

Just letting you know I feel for you, as I experienced something similar in my first marriage, although he was a more involved father than your husband. My first piece of advice is to never have major discussions over text. Just wait until it can happen in person. Communication hasn't worked for you. He knows you're not happy, and doesn't change for the longterm to improve the situation. IMO, that shows he doesn't care enough. You deserve more than breadcrumb love. As another poster said, yes, do ask him to attend therapy with you, and if he doesn't, it will show him the seriousness of the situation by making individual appointments for yourself. And then engage in one night out for yourself, once a week when he is off, while he cares for the children. This will get him used to doing so, since I'm assuming he will have partial custody, plus it will show him what life will be like when a divorce happens. If he's not going to eat with you, don't bring a plate to him if that's your pattern. He can get what he wants out of the fridge and heat it up himself. Perhaps you can take on more hours at work while the kids are in school, and then tell him he will have to chip in for more chores on his days off, since you have less time on your hands, and if he won't, like other posters have said, stop doing his laundry. I would also start to separate financial matters, such as taking his name off of your credit cards and take his name off of your bank account if you have it set up like that. As I've heard, the best way to change someone's behavior is to change your own. But if he doesn't improve, again, it means he doesn't care. We always want to protect our children, but we can't sacrifice a lifetime of unhappiness to supposedly save them from upset. They will sense the upset of an unhappy parent having to live in an unsuccessful marriage, and that will harm them perhaps even more. I stayed far too long with my ex for various reasons. But the important thing is that I eventually did leave, which allowed me to be older and wiser with the life experience to choose a far better partner for chapter two of my life. Best of luck and let us know how it goes.

Yes, in this situation, it should be like sliding down rainbows and frolicking with unicorns. Could it be that karma really is a ***?

1. She is keeping herself in your life, knowing full well it's complete torture for you. Do you think that's an ideal partner for you, either in the present or future--a person capable of that sort of sadism? 2. Allowing her intrusion into your life, either daily or sporadic, will prevent you from bonding to any new lady, so basically you should just be alone and gamble that in two years time, your ex will magically turn into the reality you've wished for. It's a 50/50 chance, although as Dr. Phil says, the recent past is the best predictor of future behavior, so the odds are not in your favor. 3. It's not fair to a lady you're dating for you to be receiving and responding to an ex who you wished for more from. If you wouldn't want a lady communicating with her ex in this same situation, then don't be a hypocrite. Treat people how you want to be treated. And hiding that you're communicating with an ex is deceptive. 4. You can wish someone well and then no longer be in his or her life. It's called self-care. You don't have to be a sacrificial lamb, doing what you think is best for the other--being polite, being caring, being a sympathetic ear. Although it's clear that your grief is being displayed with your anger, calling the guy Yankee Boy and being snarky to her. Another reason your interaction with her needs to end. Besides blocking her, I'd also tell your relatives you no longer want to hear if she sends them messages. And tell them you also don't mind if they block her as well. She's finding every way to insert her presence in your life. Don't let her manipulate you like this. She doesn't care about your anguish. Care enough about yourself to protect yourself from emotional abuse.

From what you've written, she seems the opposite of someone who would ever be pressured into anything. She seems very one-dimensional to me, so I don't know what you find appealing. Your self-worth seems a little low, so subconsciously, maybe you think this is all you deserve in life. You're guessing what she's about which is not a bad way to interpret things, but to get the words straight from the horse's mouth, when you're in person again outside of work, why not ask, "So what are your dating goals right now? Are you just into casual multi-dating, or are you looking to find someone for longterm?" It's totally fine, and even wise, to see if your dating goals match those of the person you are dating, and if they don't, you can make a clean exit without wasting more time. I know I stopped dating several men when I was in the dating world when I was not happy about our differences in dating styles. If you fear everything everything will fall apart when you voice what you want, it means the foundation is too weak to sustain anything meaningful, anyway.

Were you a sloth in a past life? Six dates before a kiss and only setting up dates twice a month? Why are you so busy that you can only fit her into your life this minimal of an amount? Since you barely know her, one can only guess what's going on in her head. My guess would be that she doesn't want to get overly invested with lengthy communication in texting since she's really not a priority to you. She could be hoping for an improvement, going to the next level, with more get togethers, and when she sees yet another text without an invite to physically get together, huffs in disappointment and gives the minimal effort that she's getting from you. Is this busyness a temporary situation with you, or not expected to change? If it's permanent, you should see if there are life changes you can make to be able to make more time for a dating life. Otherwise, your pool will be smaller of women who think it's a pro to get together only twice a month.

No, do not ever double message. If a person wants to fade away, let him. Don't accept a date unless you speak over the phone first. If a person keeps communicating more than two weeks without an ask, tell them you're looking to date and not have a pen pal. If they still don't ask, block them. Don't invest in the illusion of being into someone before you actually meet. Even then, it takes a long time to really get to know someone. When I did OLD, I really liked a guy on the first meet. The next time we met, I found out he was crazy. I met up with about 30 men over a period of 2 and a half years before I met my husband. Normally, you have to date a boatload of men to find a good match. If you haven't tried Meetup.com, try that as another way to meet singles in your age group.

There are people in the world who like the ego boost of having a fan, and will feed bread crumbs to retain the attention, not caring that they are wasting the other person's time. Gives a fun spark to their lives. We all have to learn difficult lessons in life, so this is one of them. You will now be better prepared to recognize this in the future and avoid these situations.

I would say it's time intensive. When you're serious about finding a partner, you have to get yourself out into the world a lot, because the more people you meet, the higher success rate of finding a good match. Spread your net wide. Online dating. Meetup.com groups. Joining clubs, engaging in hobbies, participating in environmental cleanups or other volunteer work. The good thing about activities where you will regularly see the same people, is that you will, over time, be able to see the clues that a woman will likely say yes if you ask her out. If you don't know what those clues are, search the internet for articles that mention that subject.

Why are you also moving to Germany? Sounds like you made that decision after you reconnected with her and found out about her move.

I've just advised, this week, another poster about the cons of not having a support system and fulfilling life besides having a significant other. Because yes, when she's the sole center of your universe, a breakup feels a lot more devastating and you have a harder time letting go if a relationship is toxic. In your case, you're both accusatory and grasping for straws, looking for plausible excuses. There are two possibilities here. One is that you're not in the right mindset to date because you are distrustful and acting inappropriately. Two is that there is a possibility she is a player. One or both of these things is factual, but the only thing that matters now is, you two shouldn't be dating, either for your sake or hers. If she was a faithful woman with normal self-esteem, she would have blown up that you searched through your phone and told you to go to hell and blocked you. But it's likely she's a player, slippery as an eel, and used to guys catching her so she's grown used to lying and the art of juggling. And speaking as a woman, my family and close friends would know not to blow up my phone when I'm on vacation. I don't know of any young woman who would be putting do not disturb for so long on her phone. Stop the nonsense talk about how you won't be able to handle a breakup. You can retrain the reel that goes on in your brain. Tell yourself you're resilient, and that fate has someone better in store for you. And then stick to dating locally where you can see the reality of a person far sooner than wasting time on a fantasy LDR. I just came across a quote today by Javan that fit this situation to a T. "Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes . . . just be an illusion."

If he's so successful and attractive, at age 40, why hasn't he ever been married or started a family? And just saying so now doesn't mean he means it. He could have been saying what he thought the public would like to hear. He might even hide his sexual preference, as some celebrities do. Are you really being realistic that dating him would be satisfactory, when he is constantly being surrounded by an entourage? Sounds like his one-on-one time is limited. After I dated someone for a year who worked about 68 hours per week, I never wanted again to date someone who rarely had leisure time. I just listened to an interview with Reba Mcentire, and she said that there were thousands of women who had better voices than her, but would never be as successful as her because Reba had to give up a normal personal life to achieve the success she's had. She had to miss some holidays, some of her son's special events like hockey games, etc. She said if those women weren't willing to sacrifice a normal family life, they would never be successful in the music world. How old are you? What's your relationship history been to date?

What you see is what you get. She will always be a part of his life. If you don't want a man who operates like this, never severing ties with an ex, then choose not to date one. You two live together as a couple, and yet he didn't ask if you were okay with others living on the property. Don't expect he will ask your okay about similar things in the future. If you don't want to live with this gut-twisting stress, then date someone with the same boundaries as you. You moved in too quickly before knowing everything about him. What's done is done, but you can still get out of this mess before investing more time with this nonsense.

As an aside, I'm going to advise you don't make your bf the sole center of your social universe for 2 reasons. The first is that even though he may be fine with it now, that situation will end up feeling smothering to him. The second reason is that if you don't have a support system besides him, you will be a whole lot more devastated if a breakup happens. On top of that, you will remain in a toxic relationship because he is all you have in this world. Being shy is not a good excuse for not hanging out with his friends. When you practice the art of socializing, you will get better and better at it. If that DND game bores you, how about inviting one of the couples from the group over for dinner, or to a concert, or any number of activities? With just one other couple, you will be able to get to know each other better. And then if you develop a rapport with one of the women, you can ask her to do something one-on-one with you. You could also start a new hobby with your bf, and it's also good to have your own hobby/interest to get involved in for self-fulfillment. Make your own friends as well, since if a breakup happens, his friends might fade away from you. Remember that a confident person with standards who doesn't put up with BS is a lot more attractive than a shrinking violet with a spine as limp as a wet noodle. Make your solo life fulfilling so that if a breakup happens, you will have the normal upsets most do, but your whole life won't feel as though it has crumbled into total devastation.

If a guy was right for you, this wouldn't be happening. It's okay not to be comfortable with a guy who has a friendship harem. It's your belief, but not necessarily fact. It's quite unbelievable, as people work with both genders, he knows these ladies boyfriends and husbands, etc. There's no way I'd date someone like this. Don't feel like there is a problem with you for feeling like crap about the situation. This also stuck out to me. I don't care if he's been friends with her since birth. A decent man would've said, "We can no longer be friends, because even if my gf isn't your cup of tea, I won't allow anybody to be unkind to her." When you get some distance from this toxicity, you will shake your head at how long you put up with it.

Yeah, when you're not happy in the present, one often looks to the past to find it there. That's easier to visualize, than thinking of an unknown future. IMO, it's not the right to time to contact him, since you would be coming from a place of uneasiness and vulnerability. How about tabling that for now, and get fully established in your new/old digs. Since you're looking to date, join meet up groups. Tell your friends there that you're looking to expand your friendship circle, and that if they hear of parties where you would be welcome to join, to let you know. You never know--you might bump into him when out and about. You could also start a new hobby. Maybe take dance lessons. If you do ever end up in a dating situation with him, see it as the same as starting something with a stranger. I'm sure you're not the same person as you were a decade ago, and he isn't either. Don't move things fast, assuming this was meant to be, or that you can move faster since you have a history. That would be a mistake. You might not even be attracted to him anymore. My brother was FB friends with the bf I had when I was a teen. My brother told me to look at the guy's photo, and I wouldn't have been able to pick him out of a crowd as someone I'd dated, since he looked so different. He hadn't aged well. I hope you make a good life for yourself in your hometown. Good luck.

What people speak of is what is on their minds. So what is on his mind is his harem. This is like a weird, objectifying obsessive way of thinking. So in this brief blurb about him, he has mentioned women, none of them being you, eight times. Someone who objectifies women, and makes that subject a major topic of his discussions--how is he appealing to you? Aren't you bored, repulsed, annoyed, wondering why he's stupid to the fact that you don't enjoy hearing about his musings about exes and female strangers he encounters in daily life? You say you have nobody to talk to about your problems. So are you so starved for company that you didn't leave him as soon as you saw the red flags? He saw you as the perfect prey--someone who is isolated, lacks the self esteem to ensure her own well-being, and puts up with his extreme, mental flaws. Prove him wrong.

The man who is right for you won't induce these toxic emotions within you. And you're dealing with a possibly dangerous situation. Read some articles on sex trafficking. Your self-worth is extremely low, considering your allowance of someone who makes you feel "less than." Subconsciously, that's who you think you deserve--someone who grills you about every detail about your sexual past. This is not normal. In case you don't know what normal is, it's when you find out, in general, about a person's relationship history, such as, "I dated someone for two years, but we grew apart." This just tells you if a person is capable of a long term relationship or not, since if a 30 year old said they had relationships that never lasted more than 2 months, you could expect the same for your relationship. Why have you chosen the hardest type of relationship there is, and you're the one spending the money to go his way? What does your family and friends think of him and your plans?

Looking at it from another perspective, If I was the parent, I wouldn't want a woman around me as I'm dying whom I'd just met (likely about 4 months earlier, since introductions probably hadn't happened immediately. But even 7 mths. is still not that long). People can console each other from a distance when necessary. I would assume that happened. If it was a sister or best friend's wedding, she's been in their lives for many years, and more than 20 years if it's her sister. Missing a major celebration like this would be unfortunate. So she likely was there for him with phone calls, in person before the passing, and upon her return. Have faith that your mate is a grown-up and has the ability to decide for himself if a woman is a good match for him or not. From what I've observed, people don't listen to unasked-for advice given about their partners, so try to let go of something you have no control over.

I would say it's the intent of the compliment and if the man would say it to the woman even if his wife is standing by his side. But even in those instances, the context and big picture is important, because there are men who will be jerks despite their wife's presence. I can think of one instance where it was totally fine. I, and many of my co-workers, attended the funeral of a colleague. Afterwards, we socialized and we all hadn't seen a retired colleague for some time. My male colleague told her, "You get prettier and prettier every time I see you." From knowing that male colleague and his nature, he wasn't flirting. He's a very positive person. He would've said it even if his wife (everyone knows he's happily married, and his wife is also our co-worker) was standing right next to him. I felt there was nothing inappropriate about it.

There are times when a couple can rebuild a marriage after an affair, as in when it's a wake up call about why it happened, what needs to be done in the marriage to build a healthy one, what behavior to avoid so that cheating never happens again, and a love that's treasured so much that you regret almost losing something so wonderful. I'm surprised she had the time and energy to engage in an affair with two tiny children to attend to. And now, she obviously doesn't care that you're sexually unfulfilled nor does she fear losing you, since she allows flirty messages from another man. Have you ever asked what she wants from you, or has she ever suggested what would make her happier in your union? If not, she doesn't want it to work and hopes you'll get so fed up that you'll pull the plug so she doesn't have to deal with your drama if she did it, instead. If she refuses marital counseling, or even if she went but still made no effort to build an emotional connection with you, then you shouldn't live an unfulfilling life. Many people have first marriages that don't work and have a chance at a better life in chapter two. I'm one of them. Good luck and keep us updated.

Many women often have regrets of having sex too soon, but rarely does a woman say, "Gee, I wish I wouldn't have waited so long to do the deed." If your goal is a longterm partner, keep dates to outside of the both of your homes for a few months. Sex is always a titillating fantasy on one's mind when there is chemistry, but a guy who also has a goal of finding a longterm partner will have the patience to wait until you're ready, and will show a true interest in getting to know you and will enjoy your company without knocking boots, in the beginning. If this thing with him doesn't work out, for the next prospect, learn a lesson that you can be flirty without going into the territory that is now disturbing you. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I don't understand your logic of why a person is a better human being to eat the meat of an animal that someone else killed versus one who has killed the animal himself/herself. Anyway, in your shoes, if you're determined to build this friendship, don't become social media friends with him so you won't come across photos that are disturbing to you. And then you can ask him to avoid the subject of hunting with you. In listing one of my own experiences, I once had to drive to different locations with a co-worker, so we'd naturally speak about things. Found out that because of her religion, she believed homosexuals were doomed to go to hell. I told her that she wasn't going to change my mind, and I couldn't change hers, so it was best we avoid that disturbing topic. Problem solved.

I've travelled a lot in my lifetime, and know that no matter where you are, when you're out and about and meeting lots of people, there will always be someone you will feel chemistry with. But LDRs are the hardest form of dating there is, and have a very high failure rate when the relationship hasn't begun locally (such as when a person has to temporarily move away for an education or work). If she's so attractive, why would she want to make an arrangement to date someone where you two rarely see each other in person, and lots of money would have to be spent for visits? With texting and social media, it seems like a person is close, yet they are really so far away. It's like an optical illusion, in a way. Local dating is usually the wiser way to go when dating.

What's your dating/relationship history been up until now? Your behavior went way overboard in this situation, and so if you haven't had much luck in relationships, know that moving too fast and getting emotionally involved too soon will scare a woman away. Slow your roll. Learn to lob the ball over the net. If a woman doesn't make the effort of lobbing it back, don't pick up another ball and try again. If a person can't make an equal effort, leave them alone. Hold out for the person who will make an equal effort from day one. And don't fantasize about some happily ever after before you even meet. Take a wait and see attitude. Live in the present. If you even get to the first date, take it as enjoying each others company in the moment. And if things go well, ask for another date and be realistic that it will take a very long time to really get to know someone. As far as this woman goes, if in fact she has depression, she shouldn't even be dating unless she has it under control. She is not dating material if that's the case. There is a possibility she's lying to just give any old excuse. It doesn't really matter though. The fact that a person ghosting you is someone who you kept chasing shows your self-esteem is lacking. You'll definitely have better luck in dating if you work to boost your self-esteem. If you don't, women will see you as a clingy doormat. You deserve a good woman, so recognize red flags early to cut off the losers quickly, and make a must-have list and stick to it. Take care.

What is a dealbreaker for someone might not be to someone else. To me, once a friendship goes to intimacy, even if it returns to friendship, I'd reject dating someone who had that type of friendship, even if I had a magical way to know he'd never cheat. I'm just not comfortable with that dynamic. And the cheating part at the end of the marriage would show me a person's ethics. If they don't match my ethics, I think it's smarter to assume the person's ethics will remain the same, even as I know an epiphany is possible. To me, it's a high risk to trust my heart with a person who was capable of that behavior. Only you can decide, but I'm weighing in on how I feel, in case it will help.