Andrina

Even if they haven't been intimate, they are definitely having an emotional affair, and that's just as damaging to a marriage. It's one thing to have normal friendly banter with anyone at work, but you can easily see when your SO has crossed boundaries. He cares more about himself and what he's getting from this affair, than your feelings. And he doesn't care that he's jeopardizing your marriage. If you don't want to act too rashly, tell him you want him to accompany you to marriage counseling. If he refuses to go, or does go and refuses to listen to a professional's advice (she or he will most assuredly tell him to lose his co-workers digits and to stop spending time with her outside of work), then I agree you shouldn't stick around for being treated badly by the man who should be treating you like the treasure you are. For any future relationships you will have, make sure you talk about boundaries, and make sure they match, before becoming exclusive with someone. Take care.

It's better to date someone who doesn't stay in touch with people they slept with. Plenty of guys who don't. You'll feel more at ease dating one of them.

In answer to your question, he says he's only been in love once. That means that he's reached a pinnacle with another woman that he's not feeling with you. Most people want to feel like they are the specialist treasure to their partners and all the exes pale in comparison. A year and a half is a substantial amount of time to spend with someone, where normally people feel infatuation the first 4 to 6 months, and then love begins to gradually build. Either he's too broken to let love in at a normal pace, or he settles for an even keel mediocrity because he doesn't have women beating down his door to date him. To me, at 52 years old, it's concerning that his longest relationship has been 6 years. Could it be those women tried to wait around for him to truly love them, before giving up? You should be concerned about that timeframe pattern. So you've experience pretty words without the guy showing they were true. Now you have a guy that shows he cares, but he's saying he's still not "in love." There is no guarantee he ever will be. The thing of it is, both of those situations are not ideal. It's like the Goldilocks and the 3 Bears story. This chair is too hard, this chair is too soft, but this chair is just right. The "just right" would be a man who can both show and tell. That's why I would free myself to find the guy who has the ability to date at a normal pace and lacks baggage plus red flags.

Either he senses you're crushing on him and pays attention to you because he likes having a fan, or he will eventually ask you out. Guys who want to ask you out do like some clues that you'd say "yes" so he wouldn't have to walk away in awkwardness. So give him a compliment. That you like his shirt. Or say, "You have the greatest smile." He doesn't sound shy, so if too long of a time goes on with no evolution of asking you out, you can assume he just likes you as a friend, and then you can emotionally move on. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

So what has his relationship history been like? No longer than 6 month relationships? A 20 year relationship? How long did the one last where he says he was in love? How long ago was that? Well, one red flag is emotional baggage, whereas a barrier is put up. Sounds like he doesn't allow himself to fully love because of his fears. IMO, people shouldn't venture into relationships until they rid themselves of baggage. I think it is an important topic to further address. If it were me, I would ask him: Do you have a particular timeline, whereas if the loving didn't evolve to being in love, would you then want to call it quits? Also, if I were you, I'd consider my own timeline, that if my man couldn't truly say he loved me, even if he showed it, that I would call it quits. As for me, if a man couldn't tell me he loved wonderful me after a whole year and a half, I'd likely move on. But that's me. You're also getting alternative opinions, which could be just as valid. It's what ends up being in your comfort level and your gut feeling. I would not, however, guess and give excuses for his behavior without him spelling out that it's the case. That would be you putting your own spin on things to appease yourself. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

It's very predictable that you would choose a path of selfishness. I don't care if you've been friends for 90 years. You diddled another man's wife, no less someone who falsely considers you to be a friend. Even if you never again diddled with that woman, and her husband never finds out, it's a really crappy thing to continue a friendship with his wife. He's letting the devil into his house, a wolf in sheep's clothing--poor guy. It's not all about your wants. How about becoming a better person and doing what's right for once? And you delaying divorcing your wife because of "appearances" is yet another selfish decision. Free the woman ASAP from this black-hearted behavior of yours. It's never too late to step up.

Go no contact for closure. She's nearly 30 years old, so if she hasn't figured out good ethics and how to properly date, why would she magically start now? You don't want to turn into her and be messaging an "ex" when you're dating someone else. As you can see, that creates stress and distrust. Stick to dating locally. Try meet up.com. Take dance lessons, or cooking lessons. Do volunteer work. Go to book discussion groups. Get out into the world more to meet available women. You'll find out sooner, in person, who a person really is. And make a must-have list and a dealbreaker list when it comes to dating, and stick to it. You have to have standards. When you don't, you get treated like a doormat, and waste a lot of time on toxic people.

Don't ever listen to hearsay. It's really not right for one person to speak for another. Let actions speak for themselves, and only put in as much effort as you're getting. Basically, when you make the effort and ask a love interest to get together and they say no for whatever reason, you don't ask again. The ball is in her court to ask you to get together. You will get your answer far sooner, if she's truly interested or not. Because if she's not, you won't hear from her and she hopes you'll fade away without having to spell it out, and some people are cowardly and want to avoid the discussion that will hurt your feelings. If she is interested, she will definitely make plans with you, and as soon as possible so no other smart woman will snap you up. If she's said no, don't even text again unless she's the first to initiate. Speaking as a woman, I know that if a guy I was into asked me out and I couldn't go on that particular day, I would definitely suggest an alternate day. Nobody is that busy, who can't get together within 2 weeks time unless on vacation, etc. And if they are actually so very busy, they're not a good candidate for dating.

He didn't have the common decency to tell you he was moving on. He's never loved you. Your sister has loved you for a lifetime and wants what's best for you. I'd go with love.

The only new woman in your life who would accept you being friends with Chloe will be a woman just as dysfunctional as you and Chloe are. But you seem to thrive on dysfunction. If you want to get off Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, you know what you have to do.

Wow, you're all in your mid-thirties? Sounds more like high school nonsense. There is a big difference in asking out a woman who is single and casually dating, as in she's had one or two dates with one ore more guys, but isn't boinking anyone-- Versus, a woman who implies she's single but has been boinking a guy for an entire year. So yes, any self-respecting guy would move on to seeking someone who is actually available. Because of your infatuation, you've built up this fantastical tale of why she's doing what she's doing to steer the story in a way that you will be a white knight riding in to rescue the hopeless damsel who doesn't know what's best for herself. It's likely not true, but if it were, people who don't have their &^%$ together make for horrible partners anyway. Time to start thinking of her as just another co-worker. In fact, if you can easily find similar work elsewhere, I'd look into that because now everyone knows the lengths you've gone to to win her over, and as said by others, the workplace is not a dating venue.

What you see is what you get. If you two eventually moved in together, you should expect Mom popping by daily. Don't assume she'll stop just because you two start living together. That'd be a big "no" for me. I was even mature enough as a teen when I dumped a guy I dated, who I could see would allow his mother's over involvement (for fear of being subject to her sulkiness). What should he have done about your anguish about your dad? He should have asked, "What can I do to help you in this situation?" And also given you words of empathy and hug you. Instead, he's frustrating you with his own baggage and bringing up his ex. If you want someone to change in a major way, the person isn't right for you. If it were me, I'd free myself to find someone who is right for me. Take care.

If you think you're the only woman he's given "special treatment" to at these events, you're really naive. But let's look at both scenarios. If you're wanting long term with someone, just know that there are so many cons that's it's not worth entering one, especially when you're young and likely meeting singles your age left and right. Once the newness wears off, one or both will grow weary of traveling such a long distance, and who can afford that with these gas prices. And as you're seeing, the distance makes it impossible to know who you're dealing with. If you want a hook up, still, it's best to do that locally, where you can take your time to know a little more about a guy to get a better picture if it will be a safe situation. Be realistic if the pros of having hookups outweigh the cons, and if you can emotionally handle them. I highlighted what your sister has suggested. Sounds like she really loves you and can see things from a more objective perspective than you. You're enjoying the attention, but you mention being hurt in the past so I'm not so sure you'll enjoy this one hookup as an easy-breezy lark. I agree with your sister, and also your gut, since you have reservations. Believe me, I've heard horrible new stories of people who didn't listen to their gut and suffered grave consequences. It's not worth it. I'd tell him you changed your mind about meeting up with him and then I'd delete him as a contact.

If I was that woman, and knew what went on in your mind, I would want you to tell me you don't feel the connection ASAP so I could move onto someone who felt crazy about me. You'd basically be settling, because you're wishing you could be as excited about her looks as you do about her brain. I guess for everyone it's different on how fast they feel chemistry. My norm was actually within minutes. Only once did it take a few hours, because physically he was skinnier than I like, but his personality made his attraction level raise. I'd never want anyone looking at me and thinking, "meh." You had a few halfway decent dates. It's not impossible to find exactly who you are looking for. Keep on putting in that effort. This was practice for you, and don't feel like compatibility in hobbies, etc. is a must-have. My husband and I have totally different hobbies, but we have other leisure activities we like doing together. Good luck.

You actually should have your own credit card to build your credit score, (just to pay monthly bills and groceries. Do not overspend), so that you can pay lower interest rates in case you ever need to purchase your own home and/or a vehicle. As a spouse, you're also probably liable, depending where you live, for his credit card debt, and that might affect your score. You should both see a financial advisor for being smarter about credit card expenditures and getting rid of that debt. In a divorce, they might go after you if he fails to pay on those debts. Don't let him keep getting more and more in debt because that eventually will affect you, divorce or not.

You really should have had a discussion to find out if you were on the same page for boundaries at the point when you wanted to become exclusive. It's called being proactive versus reactive. As important a discussion as other important topics like if you both want children or not, etc. But what's done is done. At this point, I'd say to really think of what boundaries you are happiest living by, and then write them down. But as you can see, when what's happening is against your comfort level, you will be living a life of frustration and anguish. If she balks at your rules, either you will have to admit incompatibility in this major way and divorce, or sacrifice a life of unhappiness with the status quo. If he's so handsome, he will eventually get a gf who might not be thrilled about her man being besties with another woman, and the friendship might end. You could wait it out, and also ask her if she's okay with you having a close female friend you chat with daily and hang out with, without your wife. How is the emotional connection between you and your wife? Does it seem lacking? What have her other friendships been like up until now? Is she dressing better for work, or exhibited other changes like that recently?

Just letting you know I feel for you, as I experienced something similar in my first marriage, although he was a more involved father than your husband. My first piece of advice is to never have major discussions over text. Just wait until it can happen in person. Communication hasn't worked for you. He knows you're not happy, and doesn't change for the longterm to improve the situation. IMO, that shows he doesn't care enough. You deserve more than breadcrumb love. As another poster said, yes, do ask him to attend therapy with you, and if he doesn't, it will show him the seriousness of the situation by making individual appointments for yourself. And then engage in one night out for yourself, once a week when he is off, while he cares for the children. This will get him used to doing so, since I'm assuming he will have partial custody, plus it will show him what life will be like when a divorce happens. If he's not going to eat with you, don't bring a plate to him if that's your pattern. He can get what he wants out of the fridge and heat it up himself. Perhaps you can take on more hours at work while the kids are in school, and then tell him he will have to chip in for more chores on his days off, since you have less time on your hands, and if he won't, like other posters have said, stop doing his laundry. I would also start to separate financial matters, such as taking his name off of your credit cards and take his name off of your bank account if you have it set up like that. As I've heard, the best way to change someone's behavior is to change your own. But if he doesn't improve, again, it means he doesn't care. We always want to protect our children, but we can't sacrifice a lifetime of unhappiness to supposedly save them from upset. They will sense the upset of an unhappy parent having to live in an unsuccessful marriage, and that will harm them perhaps even more. I stayed far too long with my ex for various reasons. But the important thing is that I eventually did leave, which allowed me to be older and wiser with the life experience to choose a far better partner for chapter two of my life. Best of luck and let us know how it goes.

Yes, in this situation, it should be like sliding down rainbows and frolicking with unicorns. Could it be that karma really is a ***?

1. She is keeping herself in your life, knowing full well it's complete torture for you. Do you think that's an ideal partner for you, either in the present or future--a person capable of that sort of sadism? 2. Allowing her intrusion into your life, either daily or sporadic, will prevent you from bonding to any new lady, so basically you should just be alone and gamble that in two years time, your ex will magically turn into the reality you've wished for. It's a 50/50 chance, although as Dr. Phil says, the recent past is the best predictor of future behavior, so the odds are not in your favor. 3. It's not fair to a lady you're dating for you to be receiving and responding to an ex who you wished for more from. If you wouldn't want a lady communicating with her ex in this same situation, then don't be a hypocrite. Treat people how you want to be treated. And hiding that you're communicating with an ex is deceptive. 4. You can wish someone well and then no longer be in his or her life. It's called self-care. You don't have to be a sacrificial lamb, doing what you think is best for the other--being polite, being caring, being a sympathetic ear. Although it's clear that your grief is being displayed with your anger, calling the guy Yankee Boy and being snarky to her. Another reason your interaction with her needs to end. Besides blocking her, I'd also tell your relatives you no longer want to hear if she sends them messages. And tell them you also don't mind if they block her as well. She's finding every way to insert her presence in your life. Don't let her manipulate you like this. She doesn't care about your anguish. Care enough about yourself to protect yourself from emotional abuse.

From what you've written, she seems the opposite of someone who would ever be pressured into anything. She seems very one-dimensional to me, so I don't know what you find appealing. Your self-worth seems a little low, so subconsciously, maybe you think this is all you deserve in life. You're guessing what she's about which is not a bad way to interpret things, but to get the words straight from the horse's mouth, when you're in person again outside of work, why not ask, "So what are your dating goals right now? Are you just into casual multi-dating, or are you looking to find someone for longterm?" It's totally fine, and even wise, to see if your dating goals match those of the person you are dating, and if they don't, you can make a clean exit without wasting more time. I know I stopped dating several men when I was in the dating world when I was not happy about our differences in dating styles. If you fear everything everything will fall apart when you voice what you want, it means the foundation is too weak to sustain anything meaningful, anyway.

Were you a sloth in a past life? Six dates before a kiss and only setting up dates twice a month? Why are you so busy that you can only fit her into your life this minimal of an amount? Since you barely know her, one can only guess what's going on in her head. My guess would be that she doesn't want to get overly invested with lengthy communication in texting since she's really not a priority to you. She could be hoping for an improvement, going to the next level, with more get togethers, and when she sees yet another text without an invite to physically get together, huffs in disappointment and gives the minimal effort that she's getting from you. Is this busyness a temporary situation with you, or not expected to change? If it's permanent, you should see if there are life changes you can make to be able to make more time for a dating life. Otherwise, your pool will be smaller of women who think it's a pro to get together only twice a month.

No, do not ever double message. If a person wants to fade away, let him. Don't accept a date unless you speak over the phone first. If a person keeps communicating more than two weeks without an ask, tell them you're looking to date and not have a pen pal. If they still don't ask, block them. Don't invest in the illusion of being into someone before you actually meet. Even then, it takes a long time to really get to know someone. When I did OLD, I really liked a guy on the first meet. The next time we met, I found out he was crazy. I met up with about 30 men over a period of 2 and a half years before I met my husband. Normally, you have to date a boatload of men to find a good match. If you haven't tried Meetup.com, try that as another way to meet singles in your age group.

There are people in the world who like the ego boost of having a fan, and will feed bread crumbs to retain the attention, not caring that they are wasting the other person's time. Gives a fun spark to their lives. We all have to learn difficult lessons in life, so this is one of them. You will now be better prepared to recognize this in the future and avoid these situations.

I would say it's time intensive. When you're serious about finding a partner, you have to get yourself out into the world a lot, because the more people you meet, the higher success rate of finding a good match. Spread your net wide. Online dating. Meetup.com groups. Joining clubs, engaging in hobbies, participating in environmental cleanups or other volunteer work. The good thing about activities where you will regularly see the same people, is that you will, over time, be able to see the clues that a woman will likely say yes if you ask her out. If you don't know what those clues are, search the internet for articles that mention that subject.