Andrina

Perhaps compromise and do a 6 month lease only, giving them time to check out the area to see where they want to live. You will relax a little, knowing it's not permanent. Explain to your gf that that will save the friendship if things end in disaster, so that you won't be kicking them out when there is no end date on a lease. Also discuss with her that you've heard of many friendships that end because friends don't always equal happy roommates. I know my stepdaughter became enemies with two former roommates over stealing and the guy's friends eating her food and drinking her drinks. My daughter's situation renting from a friend also ended badly. Two people really have to match in so many ways for it to work. Cleanliness, who can visit, noise levels, co-mingling. Perhaps if you get her to see those things, she will agree to a short term lease.

Whenever people run hot and cold like this, it means they are just not that into you. He is not shy, shown by his "running hot" behavior. If he wanted to ask you out, he would. My take on people like this is that they love the ego boost that you have a crush on them, so they feed you the amount and type of attention to keep you dangling on their fishing line, but then they need to let out the line again and let you swim free so that you don't get wrong idea that dating is in the cards. Whatever he's experienced in his upbringing is for him to figure out. Yeah, it's easier and less hurtful to blame emotional barriers on the reason he doesn't want to ask you out. It's also you grasping for straws and hoping you will show him with your nurturing ways that you will be the savior to salve his wounds. Women who treat him like some injured bird will be ones who he won't even want to be friends with. Don't think you'll be that special one he'll bring those barriers down for, if in fact he has them. Believe me, when the girl comes along who wows him, he won't be too scared to make her his girlfriend. You two have two different relationship goals. He only wants you as a friend he can run hot and cold with. You want him as a boyfriend. You need to realize that people have two different goals, the relationship is bound to lessen or totally end. I suggest you start distancing yourself from him. Your bond with him is preventing you from finding a boyfriend, which you obviously want. And his behavior toward you when he's in the cold phase is upsetting to you. Real friends don't regularly stress you out. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

When people come with warning labels, pay attention, just as you would when a rattlesnake rattles its warning. Male attention is fun and intriguing, but in your case, I'd put a hold on dating until you gain self-worth. People with low self-esteem tend to attract predators. It might also make you prone to ignoring red flags, and putting up with people who aren't worthy of you. Trust your instincts. You have them, which is why you're here posting. Read articles/books on practices to employ to build your self-love. If that doesn't work, seek therapy. You'll thank yourself when you'll see better results in your dating life. And don't hand out the fodder for gossip about yourself at work like its trivial candy. As for the "Does he just want me for sex?" In the future, a good way of vetting is to keep the dates outside of your homes for a few months so you don't give in to strong chemistry and do the deed too soon. A guy who's looking for longterm will be patient, and will be wanting to get to know everything about you before intimacy happens. Take care.

What has been his relationship history/his longest relationship? Since you say this is frequent, well, people talk about what's on their minds. And a harem of women is what's on his mind. If he hasn't had a history of longterm relationships, perhaps he has that grass is always greener on the other side syndrome, in that when that new spark wears thin, evolving into the next serious level doesn't do anything for him. There is always the titillation of other unexplored territory, which takes the form of fantasies ongoing in his mind of those ladies from his past. That comment about "toning it down?" Yeah, he won't completely stop then, so it's like an addiction. Good luck with him and his virtual harem.

I guess because you've allowed your own life to be messy, it seems normal to you. For other people, it's far from normal. You're confused as to why someone would quickly shut and lock the door on a woman who remains in a toxic relationship and then flirts with another man? (Yes, it's flirting, even as you might argue the point.) And even though your man is toxic, it doesn't mean you're any better when you cross relationship boundaries. Mentally healthy people with a good self worth don't remain in toxic relationships, nor do they try to begin other romantic relationships while still in one. Apparently, the Internet guy possesses a healthy self-worth, so will not get mixed up in your giant mess. That's your answer. Yes, you should move on because nobody deserves that.

What do you mean experiences missed as a teenager? Do you mean short term dating experiences without a longterm commitment? Your mistake was discussing the past in detail. It's normal to give a brief summary such as "I had a one year relationship and we grew apart." But going into how many people you knocked boots with and who they were and where that happened is TMI. Nobody wants to picture those details in their head, so learn from your mistakes and refrain from exchanging unnecessary info like that in the future. In your first sentence I quoted, IMO, after 8 months, when a person isn't 100 percent confident in continuing longterm, then it shouldn't happen. No break. No staying in contact. People can always find each other years later on social media, but really, when you're both this young, you will likely be totally different people by then and either you would fit together at that time if both single, or not. In reality, this rarely happens. As for you, I'd stay single until you get more time in with a therapist. Either you're not ready to date because of psychological problems, or have conjured that excuse as a reason to sabotage this relationship because you want to sow your wild oats. Free her to be with someone who is 100 percent confident in being with her.

Sometimes, you have to expect if you have a friend of the opposite sex, once he gets into a relationship with another woman, you might be shoved to the back burner, or the friendship might totally end, since not all people are comfortable with their SOs have buddies of the opposite sex. I don't know how much time you spend with him. If it was once or twice a week, I'd probably ease that number to something like 4 to 6 times a year. Read some articles about avoiding emotional affairs and you can likely pick up some pointers. Do you have a lot of female friends, or at least a handful you regularly get together with?

The thing of it is, that no matter where you travel, if you're at a bar or a party, etc., it's not rare to meet someone you share chemistry with. I know it's happened to me at least a half dozen times as a teen and an adult after my first marriage tanked. I always just saw those experiences as fun, flirtatious, temporary moments but never thought they would transform to anything long term. Two hundred miles is major when you think about if it actually worked out, one of you would have to uproot and move away from family, friends, careers, and most noteworthy, the child's other parent in each situation. Child custody arrangements get exhausting and is stressful for the children when they are shuffled far distances, along with being expensive. After experiencing a divorce myself (happily married the second time around), I would suggest giving yourself a good long year to stay solo and process the divorce, even as it was your choice and a good one. You should also be concentrating on adjusting your child to the new family dynamic. I made so many mistakes when dating after my divorce and wish I'd done that very thing, even as my daughters were older (one entering her senior year in high school and one in college). And then when you are ready to date, I'd date locally. That's one thing I did do right. There are far too many cons to long distance. Far more than I did not mention. So do you and your husband own a house together, or rent? Or is it you that solely owns the house? Just figured we could also give some advice what to do according to your living situation. Good luck.

It's a really long story, so I skimmed it. This statement in itself should be a dealbreaker. People shouldn't attempt a relationship if they have emotional baggage. That only sabotages a new relationship, making an innocent person pay for a crime someone else committed. On again off again stuff should always remain off, IMO. People who are both emotionally ready, share the same life goals, and put in the efforts required for a serious relationship don't have such egregious issues.

I do know a few people who suffer from depression who self-isolate. I only know from the outside looking in, that my perception is that they are doing a great disservice to themselves. Doesn't mean I'm right.

There are so many types of families that you can form without biology being required. You're not forcing him into fatherhood. He was intimate with you and there's always a possibility of pregnancy. That's a risk he took. Your child can have other male mentors, and loving male figures in his/her life--a support system you create with relatives, friends, and eventually a new longterm partner. Unfortunately, most therapists have a long waiting list, but if you can get in with one ASAP, you will get more beneficial support and guidance from an impartial professional versus "friends" who sound like they are doing more harm than good. Can you talk to your parents about this?

Yes, it does sound like a chess game where he's positioning all his pieces and ready to outmaneuver you. And if his daughter is very demanding of him now, expect more pushback from her if you did remain dating and you become more important in his life. I'd exit now before you get attached.

Time will reveal all. Just have a must-have and dealbreaker list clear in your mind and stick to it during any dating situation. Don't let your heart override your brain. The two must be in sync. Assumptions are just that--the unknown/guesses. Grasping for straws to make a person's iffy behavior more satisfying in your mind is foolhardy. That happens a lot in the honeymoon stage. You will know that a relationship is right for you when you are satisfied and feel as though you are getting as much as you're giving, versus most of the time being upset, anxious, frustrated, and angry.

From what you've written, you attempted to end your life 2 to four months ago. There is no way you should have entered a relationship so soon after this occurrence, nor do I presently think you should reenter that relationship. You likely need several years to get the proper psychiatric treatment and the right meds that work well with your body before attempting to date. There is no deadline for having a romantic partner. You have to be the right person to find the right person, and you're not at that point just yet. You mention the word settling 3 times in regards to this woman. It's not fair for her to be with someone who is using that word about her. She is the one who would be settling whether or not she knew this is what you thought. And nobody should be in a situation where they are threatened. You're not in love at this point, in early dating stages. I know no matter how infatuated I was with a guy, if his family was threatening me, I'd exit that toxic environment ASAP. Be alone and continue working to achieve mental health and a positive self image. Until that happens, your romances are doomed to fail.

My suggestion is to look into Meetup.com groups for singles in your age group in the area. You will likely have better luck attending activities and gradually getting to know women there versus reaching out to ladies who are on a site not intended for dating.

I'm assuming he's in his forties since he has a child about to enter college. Are you the same age or a lot younger? What is your ideal for being in a relationship? If it's that you're both financially able to travel, along with mini get-a-ways, then that might be something he shouldn't or can't be engaging in since he's already in great debt. And if you continued dating and eventually got serious, wanting to purchase a home together, would his part of the contribution to a shared home be a lot less than you would consider fair? Would you not be able to afford your dream home? You're not in love yet, so consider how an ideal situation looks for you and if it will be negatively impacted by his circumstances. It's fine to bail, because why settle for a mere stranger. Which gets to my next point which other people have addressed. No child should be introduced until it's a good bet the relationship is serious and secure, which would be no less than six months in, beyond the honeymoon period. Even if a guy is okay with this, in the future, don't agree to that. Kids don't need adults parading into their lives and then making a quick exit, which is a good possibility as many new relationships fail more than succeed in the dating world.

The thing you can learn from this experience, pertaining to any future dating opportunities, is to to never make more effort than you're getting in the beginning stages. It's a great way to gauge a person's interest or lack of it. Your first mistake was texting a whole week later after no reply from the initial text. If a person, whether it be a love interest or a supposed friend cannot take one minute out of their day to reply, why would you make any further efforts for someone who shows you they don't care? At that point, whatever happened in the past to make you think he had cared are irrelevant. In the future, don't assume so much when you barely know someone. It takes a year or more to see how a person handles a myriad of things in life. If I were you, I'd be single for awhile and concentrate on your new career position and forming new female friendships in the area. If you do this, you will likely be far more prepared to navigate the dating world. Take care.

How did you come to be friends? Were you flirting with each other while married, crossing boundaries? Seems like it, since you say you always liked each other. Why did it happen that you moved to the same city? If in fact he was flirting with you, a taken woman, while he was married, those types of men aren't looking for longterm. They like it that you're taken, so they don't have to put in the daily effort of a committed relationship. So if that's what happened, once you were free and the high of a new knocking-boots situation died down, he didn't want to put in the efforts you were expecting for a longterm partnership. Also, it was unwise to leave longterm relationships and bound into a new one. A person needs a good year to grieve and process a divorce, even if it was for the best and the person made the decision to end things. In that case, after he jumped into a new relationship, he probably realized he wants to either be alone or sow his wild oats for a while before settling down once again. Why he's throwing breadcrumbs now is part of the weirdness of human psyche. It's not for you to figure out. You'll just assume the wrong things and he no longer deserves territory in your brain. Delete and block him from all your social media. It's not good for your closure to keep him present in your life. He's not a good risk for your heart, so don't keep a thread of connection, hoping he'll return to you. Behavior so unlike him? You knew him as a friend. That's far different than knowing someone as a partner. Past behavior is the strongest predictor of future behavior. He disappeared once. If he returned in a dry spell, he'd eventually disappear again.

I know this is really scary for you. It's stressful to have to report someone you thought was going to be your lifetime partner, and have authorities asking you to fill out report and to have them take photographs, but please think of how much worse things will be if you don't. I lived my teen years in a neighborhood with a guy who showed anger issues. Later, I found out that when he married, he beat his pregnant wife so badly, she lost the baby and he got charged with manslaughter and was put in jail for many years. I hate to bring up such things, but you really need to not pooh-pooh his abuse as a one time thing. You owe it to yourself and your unborn child to assume the worst. And as at least one poster said, you have to document what has happened as he should never be alone with your child, as there is a high risk of abuse. If you stick around for many more months with him, and try to get rights removed from him with custody issues much later when the relationship sours, your story will be more subject to scrutiny as possibly sour grapes versus him being a real threat, as sometimes happens when certain women tell false stories about an ex. If you immediately report this and leave for fear of your life and your child's, things will happen far more smoothly with legal issues. I'd call the authorities and then call your sister for support. She won't be intruding if you've assured her you've already taken the needed steps. Take care and let us know how it goes.

Some of the cons I see with this are that humans are not robots, so being in close contact with others over a period of years, you will grow fond of that person, just as you would a co-worker you get along with, and so it will be difficult to part ways when that two mark comes along. Another thing to consider is that when you do want a serious relationship with someone, will you disclose while speaking of relationship histories this part of your life. If not, how will you feel hiding that fact? Another con is that the rules are so iffy in FWBs, such as how much or how little communication will happen in between sessions? It's hard to get two people on the exact same page about this, and one person often ends up hurt. Why is a longterm FWB beneficial for him?

It's time to stop wondering and caring what he's feeling, why he's doing what he's doing, or anything else about him. It doesn't matter. He's now in your rear view mirror, where he should be. As a teen, I broke up with a guy I dated for 2 years, knowing his mother would be overly involved in his life, and he'd always allow himself to be manipulated. Now you have the life experience tucked away under your belt to know what kind of guy to avoid in the future. I don't know what you've done to go no contact, but I hope's its involved blocking him from all of your social media. That's important for closure, because believe me, if he's allowed access, if he does contact you, it will set your healing and closure back to square one. Let yourself feel whatever you're feeling because it's part of the grieving and healing process. Know that with time, you will one day no longer think of him daily. If you don't have a good support system, begin forming more female friendships and get a hobby you can be passionate about. Always have a fulfilling life besides dating. Take care.

You're getting ahead of yourself here. Instead of projecting to the future, enjoy your time with her in the mindset you're enjoying her company for that moment. You don't even know her well enough to know if she's good relationship material for you. Have a realistic wait-and-see attitude.

After 3 years, most people would use the word "in a relationship." The term dating after such a long relationship is telling to me, that it's not evolved to the depth it should be at. How is it that you both can leave work for 2 months? How about being mature adults and having a discussion about when a good time for marrying should happen. A grand proposal isn't mandatory. My husband and I just had a discussion. There was no proposal. What is the holdup? What more do you need to know about her after 3 years to make a decision? Don't you already live together? If so, I'm assuming you're both financially stable.

It's great that she has her hobbies and interests outside of dating, as you should. However, most successful relationships have partnerships where there is a healthy balance of all parts of person's life. She chooses to go really heavy on all parts of her life that don't involve dating, making you feel jipped. Most relationships evolve to deeper levels over time. Yours has stayed stagnant over a four month period. The point of dating is to find someone who meets all of your major needs, and when you find they don't, it's time to bail. Breakups are always emotional and upsetting, but see it as life experience under your belt that you learned from. The positive thing is that you will then be free to eventually find someone who actually matches you in how you like to date. Take care.

Reading the psychology of that word "stuck," if I were Ivy, I'd prefer the friendship fade if that's what the guy thought. You were on hinge as of 5 weeks ago, so what has changed that you wanted to date then, but no longer at this time? Or are you lying to her to try to soften a blow in case she is into you that way, and you're just not into her as dating material? What exactly is your biggest priority right now? If it's to date to find a girlfriend, hanging as much as you're doing with these women is taking up the time you could be going on one-on-one dates with single women from hinge or elsewhere. Going along with what I've typed above, if your goal is to find a gf more than anything else, when you're hanging with these women and others perceive you're a couple, this prevents other women at the club from seeing you as a single man. Good opportunities could be passing you by. And if your dynamic with this woman appears to others as being more than platonic, this would be a red flag to any new woman you've asked to date, when she sees this vibe between you and Ivy that everyone is noticing. Just some comments to help you clarify where you really want the direction of your life going, so you can plan your life accordingly.