Andrina

Actually, your biggest mistake was to date someone who lugs around toxic baggage, making you pay the price for a crime you never committed. Those sorts of people shouldn't be dating until they've ditched unhealthy emotional baggage. Obviously she's attractive and the sex was good, but reading what you wrote, sounds like misery to me. Perhaps you don't know that the majority of time, a great relationship should have a lot more happiness than turmoil. Your self-worth is lacking, or you wouldn't want to return to this mess. Subconsciously, we choose who we think we deserve. If you felt good about yourself, you'd know you deserve better. Read articles on how to improve your self-love, and you will likely have better success in romance in the future. Go no contact. You can't move on to the much needed stages of healing and moving on until that happens.

If he's a mentally healthy person with good self-worth, would you think he'd want to spend one more second with you if he read what you've written here? It's ridiculous to be a sacrificial lamb and give up a happy life to appease family and friends who will be disappointed about the breakup, and more importantly, to lose an opportunity to make yourself free to eventually find someone who meets ALL of your main needs. It's never a good idea to marry unless you're 100 percent confident in that decision. Don't have such an inflated idea of yourself that another person will crumble to the ground and never be able to function again because you've walked away. Of course breakups are hard for everyone involved, but people are resilient, or at least should be, if they've properly handled their lives. Good luck and keep us updated.

Marriage ruts can have one or both people in a relationship vulnerable to emotional affairs, and yes, it's often a co-worker one encounters on a daily basis. Apparently, you two have never discussed the relationship boundaries you two are comfortable with. That something that actually should have been discussed when deciding upon exclusivity. Some couples are fine with their partners having buddies of the opposite gender which includes regular texting. Some are not comfortable with that, and rules are discussed about what is okay and what's not okay. You're not okay with what's happening, so it's best not to bottle that up. When you're in a mellow mood, talk to her about how you feel. When two people disagree about relationship rules, it's a cause of regular arguments. I hope you two can come up with a resolution. I don't know what kind of rut you're in, but I'm assuming there is an emotional disconnection happening. It's easy to Google articles on reestablishing an emotional connection. When that exists, it would be rare for affairs, either emotional or physical, to happen (of course, barring serial cheaters, narcissists, etc.) Good luck and let us know how it goes.

What would you tell your closest girlfriend, your mom, or any woman you love, if they asked your advice? I'm sure you wouldn't tell them to fold and run back to him. The problem is that you don't love yourself, and so subconsciously, an abuser is what you think you deserve in life. If you don't have your own back, who will? You're a grown woman, and need to learn to do what's best for yourself. Be strong and walk away for good and block him from reaching out to you. And then work on your self-worth or you will repeat the same toxic pattern.

A model status gorgeous guy who is actually a decent person would have absolutely no reason to date someone who lives 7 hours away. He'd have loads of local women in abundance to date. It didn't make sense, so figure out why you were so naive in order not to make the same mistakes again and again. If you date locally, you'll only be out the price of a cup of coffee or a burger and fries instead of spending hundreds of dollars in gas and flights to find out what you just found out about a long distance guy.

In the future, if someone can't meet you within 2 to 3 weeks, move on. You put yourself on ice for a ridiculously long time, and built yourself a cyber fantasy world. Even if you knew of this woman as an acquaintance years ago, doesn't mean you at all knew what she'd be like as a romantic partner. The fact you spoke of building a life together when you hadn't even had one date is bonkers. Most people who are thinking clearly will get way beyond the honeymoon period of initial dating, well into a year and better two, so they can see how a person handles stress, if they have the capability to be faithful, and they share your ethical beliefs and relationship boundaries, amongst other must-haves. You need to read a Dating 101 manual, because you're severely lacking in dating skills. Whatever her psychological reasoning is, stop trying to puzzle it out. You won't. Don't spend a second more of your brain power on this Nowhere Lady. Go no contact so you can have closure. If you stay in contact because you have a hard time going cold turkey or are holding out for her to finally see the light, you will sabotage any new relationship. A new lady will run far and fast if she knows you are in contact with someone you wanted more with. It's a good thing your kids didn't meet her. Don't let children meet anyone until a relationship is well into serious territory. It's not healthy for a child to get attached a person who might then quickly exit. Take a break from dating to mourn what you see as a loss, and then perhaps you will be ready to locally date at the beginning of the new year. Take care.

So if you found a great guy to date, if he was friends with someone like what you've mentioned in the above quote, would you be okay with that? Like Coily mentioned, once you crossed the line, even if it never happened again, that changes things. Especially as in your heart you lust for him and probably fantasize what it would be like to be monogamous with him. There's no way you can properly bond with an available man when you're staying in contact with someone you have a crush on. A new man in your life would walk to the nearest exit when he found out who your buddy is. Adulting is hard. You have to make decisions that are difficult for your own good. Staying friends with this particular guy is sabotaging your happiness. You obviously want someone who is yours alone, so you will have to let this guy know that you two will have to go no contact so you will be emotionally free to date single, available men. You will see he doesn't care at all about what's good for you and will argue the point. Don't be some dumb bubblehead who allows herself to be hooked by the nose by some player you obviously find charming. There are other attractive men in the world who are single. Do you think the dating world is hard for you, and if so, why? Do you have a fulfilling life besides having this particular man as a friend?

Both of you are classic examples of people who seek/entertain romance long distance. This is the go-to method for people who either have things to hide, and can temporarily have some intrigue until the day comes when he/she is found out. Or, a person who isn't emotionally ready to get out into the local world and have regular dating experiences in 3D. Initially, there is a lot of comfort behind a computer screen, until taking the leap into actually meeting. Are you in therapy for this? It's never good to date until you feel emotionally ready. Otherwise, you will attract, and subconsciously be attracted to, predators and inappropriate men. There are so many cons to LDRs too numerous to mention. I only recommend them for people who met locally, have invested in their relationship, and then have to temporarily move due to education and career opportunities. Take a break from dating until you feel emotionally ready to handle the normal stress that comes with dating experiences that run the gamut of outcomes. Have a fulfilling life besides dating so that you can easily brush it off when a romance doesn't work out. Be realistic that you normally have to date a boatload of men to find one compatible with you and your dating style. Good luck.

I don't know what this means. Regardless, people with emotional baggage shouldn't begin new relationships until they have ridden themselves of it. It's not fair to a new partner, and it's mentally too straining on the one with baggage to have to meet all of a partners needs, but are unwilling to do so because of trauma. Love does not conquer all. In your shoes, I'd tell her you can't live like this anymore and wish her well. I also might tell her if the day comes when she is fully ready to be in a relationship that includes intimacy, that she can reach out and if I'm single, we can meet to discuss reconciling. Of course, you don't know how she'll respond, so hold back on that if she's too angry. In any case, go no contact for closure, and don't hold out hope she will every heal. It may never happen. You will probably feel guilty even though you shouldn't. You can't be a sacrificial lamb and stay with someone who is incapable of meeting your needs. Take care.

Being friends with someone who has a crush on you is not conducive to, and extremely harmful to, one's primary relationship. Either she's too dumb to know this, or values the ego boost and sees you're not going anywhere for the moment, so she can have her cake and eat it too. Also, how serious can she be about you while letting this situation be something that could sabotage it? And how lacking in care is she about your feelings, doing something she knows you can't be comfortable with? I highly doubt she's having a physical affair. She would've dated him if she liked him like that. But that's irrelevant. He's not a platonic friend who is championing your relationship. Even if he was, some people aren't okay with their partner having a best buddy of the opposite sex, and there's nothing wrong with that feeling. You two don't share the same relationship boundaries. That should be a must-have when deciding to be exclusive with someone. Thank goodness you found this out in the early days of infatuation. I'd just say: This relationship isn't working for me because . . . Because when you ask for something a person has to give up, they will feel resentful if they have to give up their favorite toy. Of course, if they said, "No, I see what you mean and I will end that friendship." Then you can see if they could do so without bitterness. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Sounds like you two have an issue with emotional disconnection. Somehow your relationship has gone off the tracks. And it sounds like neither of you have the skills to repair what needs fixing. When there is emotional disconnection, sometimes one or both in a partnership allow themselves to be drawn into an emotional affair, which might be happening to her. You two also seem to have different views on what's appropriate and what's not as far as sharing social media with others of the opposite sex who are not relatives or known to be "safe" contacts for a married person. I know I wouldn't be happy if my husband was texting back and forth with a female trainer. In fact, we discussed a relationship rule according to who we couldn't give our phone numbers to when we became exclusive. If you didn't do that then, it's never too late to have the discussion now. I don't see you getting to a good place again without marital counseling. You two have a lot to work on and getting homework from a skilled professional, and an impartial take on what needs to happen, is definitely necessary in your case. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

It's always better to take a risk, than not to try at all. If the answer is no, you can emotionally move on. If the answer is yes, you have a chance to build something beautiful with someone. I like Batya's advice. I'd probably add, "I'm so psyched about finals being over. I'm going to XYZ on Friday. I'd love to treat you if you're up to going with me." If he's not available but interested, he should suggest doing something when he is free. If at some point he asks what the delay was when he first asked you out, just be honest and tell him as a newbie to dating, your nerves got the best of you. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

You can't change a person's sex drive, so no sense in talking about that. IMO, a big difference in libido should be a dealbreaker for anyone. I was once in a one year relationship with a guy who had a low libido, whereas mine is normal. Even if you know you've desirable to a partner, because he doesn't initiate as much as you prefer, your brain argues the point and you feel miserable and frustrated. And then he feels "less than" when he senses this misery and frustration from his partner. It never gets better and will often get worse. As far as nobody being perfect, it's wiser to consider what are must-haves for you and what are dealbreakers. If someone being loosey-goosey with retirement plans gives you too much anxiety, make financial stability in present day and retirement planning be one of those items on your must-have list. Maybe making a list of everything will help you know yourself better and will be more concrete than saying "nobody's perfect." Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Why live a life of bitterness every time she eats a bag of chips and staying with a partner you are no longer attracted to--especially after a mere 8 month investment? Besides that, buying fast food twice a day is expensive, and takes a chunk off of a shared household income. You should really look at how a person handles money before deciding if they meet your needs as a lifetime partner. Even if she improved now if she got scared of losing you, when the relationship gets comfy again, or you run into periods of being less enamored with one another, she might revert to the overeating. It's a lot harder to break up with someone living with you than otherwise, so you have a tough row to hoe. If you decide on a discussion, hoping for improvement, you will have to be frank and address everything you've written here--no sugarcoating. Nobody can argue with how you feel.

First things first, romances that start off as long distance have a very high failure rate. There are too many cons, including being expensive, spending too little time together, or too much time on vacations to see each other, and it takes far longer to see any skeletons come out of the closet, if they exist. For your own good, stop hiding behind the supposed safety of a screen. It might seem like an easier plunge into the dating world, but it's not. If you want to meet prospective dates, try Meetup.com groups for singles in your age group. Don't use being shy as an excuse. I'm shy too, but putting myself out there was worth the challenge versus being lonely. Practice makes perfect. Good luck and keep us updated.

Yes, do take a break since you're not in a good mindset right now. I too was frustrated after my first marriage ended with lots of upsetting experiences. You do have to be realistic, though, that it takes a huge amount of effort to find a SO as an adult. The days are gone where you were surrounded by hundreds of people your age in high school and college. In my case, I had a few friends try to set me up, I did OLD, joined Meetup.com groups, took lessons in tango, salsa, East Coast swing. Went on dates with 30 men over a 2 and a half year period. What helped me get into a better mindset was reading The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. It helped me to improve the reel going on inside my brain, and once I started employing the book's advice, I finally met my future husband--a real keeper. Think about what more you could be doing to get yourself out into the world. Being a volunteer museum or zoo docent? Taking a class in cooking or watercolor painting? So many fun things you could try. Good luck.

She also could have suggested a date two weeks from now when she's likely free, and she could have also replied to your question instead of leaving you hanging. On one hand, she doesn't owe you anything, including a reply, just because you two engaged in a six-hour chat. On the other hand, some women who know a guy is interested since he asked for a date would be caring enough to let him know right away she's not interested so he can free himself from any further efforts. I know I was kind enough to do just that when I did OLD. I also know when I was interested in a guy I never went days without replying to a message and always suggested an alternate date if I was busy for a date he initially asked me out for. Do yourself a favor and don't build up these fantasies where you're a knight in shining armor, going to save some bubblehead damsel from herself and her poor decisions. You'll have better luck putting energy into women who make it crystal clear they are into you and don't need "saving." They are fully formed gems in no need of polishing.

So a woman who regularly shares bodily intimacy with a stranger and brags about it is appealing to you? If your goal is one and done, that's your decision. She didn't care what you thought of her, so she had diarrhea of the mouth. Nobody can speak of her intentions. Only she knows. What is factual is her idiotic lack of common sense about safety, allowing a stranger inside her home. And your lack of common sense that you assume you won't get an STD from a woman who has a higher risk of them, versus someone who dates for longterm potential, and behaves in a way to achieve that goal. Double asking when she said no to a date and didn't reply to your last text shows your low self-worth. The ball is now in her court, and she hasn't lobbed back. Take a hint. Your first assumption was correct in that she'd suggest an alternate date if she was in fact interested. Work on your self-worth, and you will then likely believe you deserve a higher quality woman.

If you weren't pregnant, I'd say you and the baby's father should just breakup because neither of you know how to be a worthy partner to each other. Basically, for the sake of the child for him or her to live in a happy household, please get couples therapy. The priority now is your children, and you owe that to someone who didn't ask to be born, and especially not into a toxic environment. Mature, healthy adults work on being a faithful partner, and putting daily effort into building a beautiful life with each other. How about pulling out all the stops and working on that? That means putting all exes and love interests in the past, blocking and deleting. If that's not going to happen with you and your man, best to just breakup now instead of exposing a child to love triangles.

First loves can be powerful, since teen's emotions run on overdrive. Everything is felt to the max. And you're only 21, so the fact you haven't had any longterm relationships yet is quite normal. Most people have to have many dating experiences to learn what they want and don't want in a partner. The adult brain finally matures in the pre-frontal cortex, the decision-making skills area, at age 25. You're still growing into the adult you will be evolving into, so don't put pressure on yourself to find Mr. Right at this stage in your life. As for him, it's advised that people don't do anything major like entering new relationships until they've been sober at least a year. They have to decide to save themselves, and do so without stressors like being in a relationship, taking on a new pet or house, etc. Even as those things can bring some joy, they always also bring stress with them. You really do need to go no contact for closure. Otherwise, you won't be able to bond with anyone new. Mentally healthy men can also have sweet traits without any dealbreakers. One day you will find that sort of man when you're ready. For now, I'd tell your mom and friends you no longer wish to hear news of him for your own good. He is your past, and bringing his presence into your present is doing more harm to you than good. Take care.

Wow, your relationship with him was certainly put on fast forward. Two years and two kids. It normally takes two years to know enough about a person to know if he or she will be a good partner, and to wait and see if any skeletons will come clattering out of the closet. Just reading about all that toxicity makes me depressed. I can't even imagine living it. You have a high tolerance for dysfunction. Calling you deceitful, and it's so ridiculous to think a woman with two children under the age of two has any time for anything except feeding babies and changing diapers. I'm very sorry this is the life you've wound up with. In your shoes, I'd choose to leave and concentrate on getting your children used to a new family dynamic. In the future, know a man at least a few years before making major decisions like moving in together and having children with him. Work on your self-esteem so you will eventually not accept unworthy men. Good luck.

There are plenty of books and articles about establishing relationship boundaries, so I'd definitely read some of them. From what I know about boundaries, you don't engage in those arguments such as when she said you don't keep her in the loop. If she says this in person, you cut the visit short--you leave or ask her to leave. If on social media, you don't reply and end the conversation abruptly. A person needs to learn to treat you right, or risk losing the right of your presence in their lives. You have to have a spine and run your life the way you want to, and if she gets mad, she will have to do so without you being an audience to that. If she asks you why the change of behavior from you, be honest. You feel the way you feel, and if she can't handle it, she can walk away. If you get to the point where the bad outweighs the good, you can choose to let the friendship go. Friendships often evolve, changing in form, whether for the good, bad, or otherwise. Don't feel like every friend deserves forever in your life. Good luck!

So, at 32 why does he live with his parents? Can he not afford a place of his own? And you said his friends picked him up. Does he not have a car, or was his friend the designated driver? What are your must-haves for a serious relationship? Do you believe love conquers all and you don't need a financially stable person? Assuming he works, what does he do in his spare time when he's not with friends? How often does he make plans with you, and does he pay for things or do you always hang out at your house, or you pay? You say he's a private person but that can always translate to a person with things to hide. You have a lot of assumptions because it seems you know little more about him than you did when becoming exclusive. What made you want exclusivity with someone who feared it and didn't feel 100 percent confident in that step?

What kind of father is he to his daughter? How far apart do they live from one another? How often does he speak to her on the phone and see her?

Oh, wow. Is that not a red flag to you? No major relationships in a decade? I imagine he doesn't integrate women into his life like normal serious-minded guys would, so they get tired of this and dump him. I don't know about you, but I prefer a SO to have healthy hobbies. I rarely drink either, and if a guy's major interest was regularly going out drinking with buddies, we'd be incompatible. To me, when that activity is regular, it's never conducive to a happy relationship. He sounds like a frat boy, and you say you're much older. I don't know if you've been having a dry spell or whatnot, and that'a why you have found him appealing. I'm not criticizing, as I briefly tolerated inappropriate men for myself after my first marriage ended because I was clearly not in the right mindset at the time. I'm just mentioning it in case it'd be helpful for you to ponder that that might be the case. What is the age gap?