Andrina

What I think is that since you make friends differently, a person might also fear your friendship boundaries might also be so different than theirs, that it's beyond their comfort level. Also, they might fear how you will react if they decide to end the friendship or have it lessen to a great extent, as in your quote below. That, in particular, is what you should discuss with a therapist, as part of your discussion about this issue.

So you know enough not to tell these people what's going on in your head, because you know that would scare them off. Therefore, you're being deceitful and unethical, doing something because it's what you want, but definitely not something the targeted party would ever want--also, regardless of what's in their best interest. Can I ask you what you'd do if after half a year of building a friendship, if one of them said, "I no longer have time to call you or answer calls from you, because my elderly parent is sick, I'm taking care of them, among many other things I'm overly busy with. Are you going to be able to go no-contact without having a meltdown? Without begging to stay friends? Whether or not how you develop platonic crushes is actually a part of your particular type of autism or it's just an assumption, don't use it as a crutch for being unable to change and grow as a human being. Get some occupational behavioral therapy to learn proper social skills. And the belief that every friendship you have will last a lifetime is unrealistic. You're doing yourself a disservice to set yourself up for disappointment. Do yourself a favor and seek therapy, as suggested by several other posters. That'll help you navigate the world of friendships in a much healthier way, and likely with better results.

How long have you two been married? Is it your wife's house you've been living in? As for me, I wouldn't have cared anything about an apology, although I would thoroughly expect a spouse to say an abusive grown child is no longer allowed in the house. If that didn't happen, yes I'd vacate the home if it belonged to someone other than me. Take care.

I do find your fixation on these two people who now live a great distance away to be somewhat out of the norm. People who are not happy in their present tend to look back to their past to try to find it there. And those two acquaintances are essentially a part of those past college days. Even if you don't tell them you're visiting to solely try and cultivate friendships with them, they might intuit this in their guts and be scared off. What have you done in your new town to form friendships? It's harder, once you leave college where there are numerous people on campus to potentially connect with. You have to join clubs, a sports team, or start a new hobby, etc. There will be sweet people in your area if you get out into the world to meet them. And it's a whole lot more satisfying to regularly get together with buddies versus a few times a year with a long distance friend. My advice is to seek out friendships locally. And don't be so intense that you think you're locking down this friendship for a lifetime. Friendships often evolve in either direction. Sometimes friendships fade due to someone having children and having less time for you, or they've decided to spend more time with another friend, or they've outgrown the friendship or moved away. Good luck.

That was a huge mistake to introduce your kids to a man you've only just begun dating. Not wise to do that until there is confidence it will be longterm, which usually takes at least 10-12 months. Kids don't need to get attached to people who will quickly exit their lives. As for your question, each couple is different of how much time they want to spend together, and they should be compatible in that area. Are you serious with these questions? Your kids didn't ask to be born, so you don't neglect time with them to appease a bf, and you have to work to make a living. Doesn't sound like you overdo it with 80 hour work weeks or anything. Twice a week seems normal to me in the beginning stages. Of course, getting a babysitter or having your older child babysit the younger two to four times a year, as an example, is not neglectful. Married couples do have date nights and get babysitters. Take what he said at face value then. You learned it was a mistake to make assumptions about having dates set in stone for Tues. and Thursday. From now on, ask to get together and don't assume. I can see how he was irritated with the texts you sent him. You'll have to now see if you two can get back on track. If he begins to complain about the dating schedule, then you'll have to find someone more compatible.

If it's not a dealbreaker to you, then give him a break for being a human being who learned some lessons from dumb, youthful mistakes. I know I made some mistakes as a teen I regret. He operated in a way that he found was dissatisfying. He clearly learned and evolved as young man, stopped that behavior, and has been faithful to you all this time. If he meets all of your main needs, and is presently a terrific partner, the topic of sexual pasts should never again be discussed. You need to learn something about arguments in a romantic partnership. They are for coming to an agreeable consensus. Once the consensus has been agreed upon, you should never rehash that argument. This happens when you want to attack your partner and make him feel bad for every bad thing he's done to you. That causes bitterness that eats away at love like cancer. If you're feeling like your relationship is built on sea sand instead of concrete, ask yourself why. If the sole reason is your insecurity, work on your self-love by reading books on how to achieve this, and/or get therapy.

Basically, you crossed relationship boundaries. The people you share chemistry with, outside of your marriage, are the exact people you should avoid hours-long, emotional talks with. Just as if you had a co-worker you think you would have liked to date if you were single, you don't regularly ask them to lunch, you don't stop at their desks daily for long chats. You don't exchange phone numbers, etc. It's common to enter into emotional affairs when you're lacking an emotional disconnection with your primary partner. In fairness to your wife, you have only two choices. End all contact with her friend, and work on reestablishing an emotional connection with your wife. There are articles and books to inform you how to do this, and as mentioned, marital counseling. If what's broken can't be repaired, divorce. Your wife doesn't deserve a man who sees her as being in the way of his happiness. Free her so she can find someone who is crazy about her. As for the friend, you will totally think this is ridiculous because you're so enamored, but don't be surprised if she doesn't end up being the prized gf you've dreamed of. Though I do engage in chats with my husband's guy friends, I wouldn't engage in hours-long emotional chats that would leave his wife uncomfortable. And even if a friend and her husband divorced amicably, her ex would be totally off-limits for someone I'd date. This woman's kindness factor, common sense, and ethics are questionable IMO.

I'd probably start off as joining groups where both women and men participate, and I don't mean for dating. I'd use them as opportunities to enhance your social skills--places where you can chat with women as members of the club, as practice. Some that come to mind are: the masonic organization Eastern Star and Toastmasters. For both, some public speaking is common, but that's also good practice for being more comfortable in speaking in general. You're really going to have to rein in your excitement about a lady being your future if she's initially interested. It's best if you see the outing with her as enjoying her company in the present, and having a wait-and-see attitude. You can't know how things will unfold, nor if you share major needs and goals, nor if she'll be a good partner from what you learn on the first or second date. Lots to learn about each other over time, if it even gets that far. Being over-eager will scare women away. You might also try book discussion groups, and get to know women as another person to speak to without them being like some supernatural enigmas to you. Even as you're speaking to a woman you wouldn't want to date, but she's someone interesting to speak to, is good practice. Just know women are usually nervous too, on first meets. Think of it as normal. Practice makes perfect, or at least brings a little better comfort level. Good luck.

This is an extremely inappropriate situation that you need to get out of ASAP. His wife knows he's emotionally attached to you, and that's why she came to work--to suss you out. Triangles can have deadly consequences, even if you're not in a physical affair. Yes, try to get another job as soon as possible. In the meantime, come up with your own projects at work that will give you an opportunity to say, "If you'll excuse me, I want to get back to working on XYZ." Feel free to tell him you are not comfortable hearing about his family problems and continuing to help his daughter with homework. Reject the outings to lunch. Bring your own and say "no" or go out on your own. Become boring. Cut him off short with discussions. You can always excuse yourself to go to the bathroom or to make copies. You're an adult so so don't let people treat you like a puppet whereas they can pull the strings and you move in whatever way they wish. Good money is never a good reason to stay in a toxic environment.

During my life, I travelled quite a bit. It was really common to find people in those places I'd share chemistry with. I had fun flirtations, but never had any fantasies they would transform to anything serious and we'd be make it work despite the distance. LDRs that start that way have an extremely high risk of failure. Too many cons in LDRs. Since you're interested in finding a gf, amp up your dating life locally. I don't know what you do to meet women. Meetup.com is a great way if you have good groups in your area. Put yourself out into the world in ways you haven't before. Dance lessons, cooking lessons, painting lessons, book discussion groups, volunteering at a zoo or museum. Good luck!

With this statement alone, it's clear he sees women, or girls as he refers to them, as game pieces on his playing table. And he always has more than just one on the board at a time. This is how he loves running his life. And you expect him to turn from "Player Boy" to "Mr. Serious Monogamous Man" because you're that one special girl in the whole wide world who has made him transform like Clark Kent becoming Superman?

This is exactly how I felt in my first marriage. My husband, now ex, suffered from depression. After that experience, I advise anyone not to date anyone who suffers from it who is not in treatment, or in treatment but it's not working. In my case, and it sounds like yours as well, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't. Plus, he would make up things in his head that were so negative, such as imagining I was giving him a dirty look, when I was just eating dinner in a happy mood. He would blow up about nonsense--nothing anybody else without depression would ever be upset about. And then he's isolate himself, not speaking and being a distant partner. He was also a black hole for affection. It was never enough, and if he didn't get what he wanted, he would either be angry or sulk. I was too young and dumb to choose him as a partner back then. I chose much more wisely in my forties after that divorce and married a man I'm a million times happier with. You're already in your forties, so you can't blame being young and dumb on this big mistake. That's my opinion.

A few hours of not responding is fine, because people do work and also might be spending uninterrupted time with a friend or family member. Twelve hours, however, is ridiculous. When you yourself are into someone, would you behave like this--not replying to a text during the entirety of your waking hours that takes 30 seconds to type out? If not, then why do you excuse this crappy behavior just because it's a hot lady? In the future, don't be double texting when she hasn't replied. Let someone show equal effort, and if they don't, it's a good gauge of their lack of interest so you're not grasping for straws and wasting any more time on someone who's just not that into you. A person who isn't into you and a coward prefers the slow fade. Let them fade away, so you can meet someone who shows you how crazy they are about you.

Him telling you this is manipulation. He has targeted you as someone he can manipulate, and it's working. That's what predators do. They make prey afraid of the consequences if they disobey. A friend you can speak up around without fear of them having a meltdown, tantrum, or pouring on a guilt trip, is someone you should no longer be friends with. Sure, you can give him a chance, ONE CHANCE, to improve if you wish, but you will have to be clear and unbending, i.e., "I've decided I'm not comfortable cuddling with friends and saying I love you. I'd prefer it if we don't say this to each other, and no longer cuddle. I'm asking you to respect my wishes." If he argues and doesn't comply, walk away from the friendship. If you're so afraid of him that you need the safety of parents, then don't even have that conversation. Start distancing yourself and be too busy to hang out. Or plain say the friendship isn't working for you and block and delete. In the future, when people come with warning labels, best not to get involved. Take care and let us know how it goes.

As someone who did OLD for 2 and a half years, my suggestions are these: Date guys within a 45 minute drive. (Two hours apart grows old really fast, is expensive, and you end up on dates that are way too lengthy at the beginning--not the normal pace. And/Or dates that don't happen often enough) Don't go to one another's homes until you feel ready to be intimate. When you have chemistry with someone, you might go too far too fast and regret it while in the privacy of a home. If you want to know if a guy truly wants longterm if that's your goal, he will be patient and wanting to get to know you on dates outside of the home. I made a limit of what age range gap I was comfortable with, though tweaked it as I went along. You're young and might not be thinking of the consequences of dating someone 17 years older. This is very different life stages. And you really have to think about longterm. If it actually worked out, he'd be doing everything 17 years before you--retiring, having normal elderly problems you are far away from experiencing. You might have to take care of elderly parents as they age. Do you want to add to that another person to do the same for? After caring for my aging parents (my mother has now passed), I was really happy to not have to do this with my husband as well, (he's 3 years younger than me) because it's tiring. Lastly, it takes far longer to see skeletons in the closet of someone who lives far away, if there are any, plus one of your would have to uproot if things actually worked out. It's easy to think of OLD as a small world, but it's really not. Date more wisely for better success.

You came on here asking the wrong question, because you are young without much dating experience. A dozen of us who have been there, done that, or at least observed others making this mistake, have given the advice to ditch the dud. When you have overwhelmingly similar advice from numerous impartial parties, best to take note of that, and act on it, for your own good.

I'd sit down with him and explain things, speaking of things you want and how you feel, using "I" sentences instead of "you never." Nobody can argue with you about how you feel, and avoiding "you never" statements will be wise to avoid your partner feeling attacked. Such as, "I want to feel more connected to you, and want us to hold hands while we watch t.v." "I feel most loved by you when you caress my back when we hug. I could use a hug now." "I've initiated sex the last two times. I'd like it if you also regularly initiate." When a person cares, they will want to please you. You have to be concrete in your request. I know it's not romantic when these changes first happen, but if he puts in effort, try to feel warm and fuzzy that he cares enough to improve. And then lay on the appreciative words for positive reinforcement. Hopefully, a new pattern will emerge. If he doesn't care, nothing will change, and that's when I would say, "I'm done." I'm not one for playing games, but sometimes people need a shake up and a wake-up call. Why not let him see what life will be like without you? Take up a new hobby. Go out with girlfriends more often. Let him miss you. Show him you'll be able to move on with a fulfilling life without him if need be. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I know when I did OLD, I thought it was always smarter to have a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. Such as you have to assume a person might be dating others because you don't know each other well enough to be exclusive, and decisions are being made--but you don't want that info thrown in your face. I think she's plain stupid to not consider her audience of whom she's given her social media info to when deciding what to post. Only you can decide if you want to move forward with more dates. If you do, keep on observing. And if you get to the point where you need clarification, go ahead and try communication to get the answers from the horse's mouth.

He's not a decent friend, no longer wants to be in a FWB with you, nor is he your boyfriend. You must think all you deserve is toxicity, and being ignored, since that's what you're accepting. Block and delete, and then work on your self-love, or you will continue living your life as a masochist.

You've received a lot of good advice that I won't repeat. I'll just address this particular quote. If this is the mindset you have, you shouldn't be dating at the moment. Scared he will leave? You're 16, so know that you're likely to have numerous dating experiences with various partners before finding a lifetime partner. That is fine, totally normal, and actually beneficial. In that way, you'll learn over time who is right for you and who isn't. And actually, you'll be evolving and growing into who you are. Who you might like to date today might be totally different than who you want to date 5 or 10 years down the road. Don't date until you can do so with a more casual mindset, such as, "I'm going to enjoy this guy's company, doing fun things, as long as things stay good." Because when you're dating from a place of fear, it's self-sabotaging and you'll be clinging even if the relationship is toxic. This is a time in your life to be carefree, enjoying your teen years without the seriousness of a relationship you have plenty of time for much later in life. Lighten up. If your family life isn't as close as it should be, you might be seeking this closeness from a guy, but not in a way that's healthy for yourself. Take care.

Yes, do you think he cleaned the snow off colleague Bob's car, or bought lotion and body spray for Bertha at the front desk, who is a great-grandma? Whenever you start treating an attractive co-worker differently than another, (one who you'd boink if both of you were available),and being overly involved, it's an emotional affair--just as damaging as a physical one. In your shoes, I'd read some articles on emotional affairs to educate yourself about them. I'd then sit down with your wife when the kids are asleep or at school, and explain how you want to strengthen your marriage. Ask what she would like improved. Listen, and then tell her what you want. I'd tell her of your concerns, of her being overly involved with a male you don't know, and even if there is absolutely no physical cheating, you're uncomfortable with their closeness. There is a different dynamic there, and you don't feel it's healthy for your marriage. As for you, you said you don't have friends. It can be smothering for a partner if you have no life outside of her and the kids. Many couples have other couples they sometimes get together with and/or have group friends. Just because it isn't your thing, doesn't mean you couldn't push yourself to try. If I were you, I'd start a hobby on your own, just so you will have something outside of being a husband and dad, that is fulfilling. A partner may also start seeing you in a more positive light, that you're doing something interesting and so you'll be more interesting, plus, it gives her time to miss you. I also recommend starting a new hobby with her. Maybe something sexy like tango or salsa. You can also be doing things where you don't have sex as a goal, but use physical touch to gain back an emotional connection. Give her a foot or back massage. Try new things you don't normally do on date night. Go to a speakeasy. Go to the roller rink. If she sees you putting in effort, hopefully she will start putting her own effort in. Don't let her give excuses about this other guy without you letting her know the consequences if she doesn't care about your reasonable feelings. Any guy who plays fire with a taken woman doesn't want long term. If she became a divorced woman, believe me, he'd run for the hills. I hope you two can right these wrongs to prevent a family tragedy.

Yes, there's absolutely no reason for parents of adult children to talk unless there's an extreme issue, like their child has been hospitalized, or needs an intervention because of alcoholism, etc. You've voiced your concerns and it's fallen on dead ears. The woman says they are best friends, so his inaction of establishing appropriate boundaries proves that's the case. If you'll only be happy if major change happens, the relationship isn't the right one for you. Doesn't matter how attractive and financially successful he is, or how much time you've invested, etc. You're worthy of a life that's no so frustrating and upsetting. Free yourself to find that.

The purpose of an argument is for the couple to come to a consensus. And then, that subject shouldn't be brought up again. That'd be like going out to get the trash you brought outside yesterday, and bringing it back into the house. He's holding bitterness against you and can't let it go. So you will have to let him go. You're likely used to having a lot of short term relationships, and there's always the excitement of a new love interest and that attention. Sounds like you really haven't been ready for seriousness it takes to be in a healthy, longterm relationship. At the point you think that's your goal, there are some easy methods you can employ. Treat your partner how you want to be treated. If you wouldn't want him to be communicating with a harem, you don't do that either. When you're not with him, imagine he's a fly on the wall, watching and listening how you're interacting with that hot co-worker and the guy trying to flirt with you inside the grocery store. As you mature and seek a true love, you're going to have to establish relationship boundaries and stick to them. It's a different sort of relationship that evolves into deepening levels. Perhaps not always as exciting as a brand new shiny guy every 3 months, but far more satisfying in the end. Brief relationships eventually become shallow and unsatisfying. Take this as a learning lesson. A break from all men is essential now. Concentrate on making a fulfilling life solo for now. If you do that, you'll eventually be in a better place to try dating again. Good luck.

When someone truly cares, they will ask for improvement instead of bailing. She sounds really immature and unpleasant. If you two got back together, your kids would eventually come to know that this lady in your life wants nothing to do with them. Kids soak up everything like a sponge. How do you think they'd feel about their dad dating someone who can't stand being around them? A kid's parent's partner doesn't have to play the role of a very involved step-parent, or be best buddies with them, but if they can't even be pleasant around them, that should be a dealbreaker. I was the step-parent of a teen and she did things that annoyed me, just as my own kids did, but the majority of the time we got along and I did things with her without her Dad if I had the day off and he didn't, such as go to the movies and clothes shopping. In your case, this is already bad in the dating phase. It'd likely get even worse if you two co-habited. A new year's around the corner. I'd start fresh by moving on.

Actually, your biggest mistake was to date someone who lugs around toxic baggage, making you pay the price for a crime you never committed. Those sorts of people shouldn't be dating until they've ditched unhealthy emotional baggage. Obviously she's attractive and the sex was good, but reading what you wrote, sounds like misery to me. Perhaps you don't know that the majority of time, a great relationship should have a lot more happiness than turmoil. Your self-worth is lacking, or you wouldn't want to return to this mess. Subconsciously, we choose who we think we deserve. If you felt good about yourself, you'd know you deserve better. Read articles on how to improve your self-love, and you will likely have better success in romance in the future. Go no contact. You can't move on to the much needed stages of healing and moving on until that happens.