Andrina

Don't start worrying about the future, as it might not even go beyond the first meet. And since that's a possibility in the dating world, I wouldn't even spend that much money on a first meet. Meeting for coffee or a smoothie or something inexpensive like that will save you from an empty wallet, since many first meets don't go on to more. Save treating a date to those more expensive nights out once you've already established chemistry, and you like each other's personalities and dating styles, etc. It's best not to project to the future, and just enjoy the first meet as a chance to get to know a new person, and to hopefully find her to be interesting and pleasant. Don't have some pre-planned agenda that the 3rd date will be the one where you hope she'll be up for doing the wild thing. I know that's a fun goal, but especially as she's new to dating, you have to think about her feelings because women often take being intimate as an extreme bonding activity because of the hormones released when it occurs, which doesn't have that same strong effect on men. Do you know your dating goals? Short term? Long term? For truthfulness and fairness, as well as nobody wasting each other's time, you should be on the same page. This involves discussion. If long term, it doesn't mean you're committed for a lifetime to this person you're dating. It means you're finding out, over a long period of time, if this person matches you in all the major ways. And if so, you'll continue on with them while still having a wait-and-see attitude. Happy new year!

I don't know why you'd be second-guessing. You can still want the qualities she possesses, but are not settling when the chemistry is lacking. Chemistry is biological and nothing one can choose. I have found certain men attractive and thought they had great personalities without wanting to date them. Good luck in your search.

Mixed signals and a litany of excuses was your signal to exit, no matter how attractive he is and no matter what other positive things he's bringing. Guys like this keep their conscience clear because they've given the warning. In their minds, "See, I told you so. You signed up for this mess, and you couldn't figure out it would soon end, and not well?" And as soon as the next level, becoming more serious should be happening (at the 3 or 4 month mark), they bail. That sort of man appears time and again from mourning women on this forum. It's like they've all been baked from the same mold. You're going to have to understand that everyone has flaws, but for the dating world, there are some you should let slide and others that should be dealbreakers. His flaws were dealbreakers so write them on your list for dealbreakers moving forward. There's also a difference between being nice and being a doormat. You can be nice without being a doormat. They don't go hand in hand. Always be nice to yourself and that will have you avoiding being a doormat, because your needs have to be met for you to enter and stay in a relationship. I highly doubt he even saw a psychologist, because you can't snap your fingers and get an appointment ASAP. From what I know, most are booked 3 or 4 months out and it can even be hard finding one who accepts new patients. The good thing is you only wasted 90 days on the user. He got what he wanted--intimacy without commitment. Maybe wait longer to get to know a guy before being intimate, since most users don't have the patience to wait around for their sole goal. Take care.

The above line and your entire post is laden with your clear lack of self-esteem. If you can't even truly love yourself, it's hard to expect the healthy kind of love you should be seeking, since people with low self-worth attract, and accept, under par predators or lazy men who are happy to get sex without any effort a commitment demands. Believe me, doormats are not appealing. People with confidence are who the majority of people are attracted to. When you fear asking the questions you want answers to, it's because you're afraid of the answer. And people who want to take anything at other than a normal pace are to be avoided. Not that he's taking any pace because you've never even discussed having a dating relationship and evolving into boyfriend/girlfriend. You've got a lot of work to do on building your self worth if you want romantic success in your life. Start by reading articles and books on the subject, and employing the advice. And then don't wait around for a man to tell you how it's going to be or keep mum about your own needs because you're afraid he'll run away. Know your relationship goals, clearly, and cut men loose as soon as you see they don't meet your main needs. That leaves you single to keep dating until you find a man who matches what you want. It's okay, and healthy, to have standards. Embrace the motto: I'm the treasure and a man has to treat me right to keep me in his life. (Not until you achieve that mindset will you be ready to date.) Take care.

First off, what mistakes have you made? Asking someone to be your gf when you've never even been on a date with them. Sorry, but crushing on her from years earlier and basically being acquaintances doesn't give you the info you need to wisely make that move. A person who seems great as a friend and/or an acquaintance doesn't automatically make them an ideal partner. To learn this, a person would actually have to accept a dating situation with you, and still it would be 3 or 4 months of a honeymoon period where you're only scratching the surface of who a person is, if it even gets that far. Plus, you'll be scaring away women with moving so fast, since that's not the normal pace of things. As for her, she comes with a warning label, and you should always listen carefully when people spout those warnings. You don't ignore the warnings just because the person is flaming hot. She wants to be your friend because she likes the ego boost, and doesn't care one iota that you might be lead on, and that your feelings will be hurt when you finally realize you're wasting your time. Your smartest move would be tell her to let you know if she ever wants to try going on a date with you. In the meantime, you're choosing not to hang out. It'll be plain dumb to hold out hope while spending time with someone you want more from. When two people have opposite relationship goals, it never works. Because if you're spending all your emotional energy and time on her, available beautiful women will pass right on by without notice by you, and you will have missed golden opportunities.

Wow, saying you love this ex in present tense--what a blow to your wife if she were to read this. You've kept that love alive with the ex because of the unending communication, even if it's only been a few times a year, plus bringing her to mind, who knows how often. People can act stupidly from time to time in younger years. I know I have moments I regret, but I realize that it's normal to be a human being who makes mistakes. Put away your lashing whip. You don't need to self-flagellate. And stop using atonement and useless guilt as an excuse to stay in contact with an attractive ex. You're not the only person on the planet she can seek a caring ear from. Care more about your wife than someone who should've been left in your rear-view mirror a decade ago.

I just listened to this audio book, and I strongly suggest you read it as well: The Midnight Library by Matt Haig It's a work of fiction, but it really makes you think about life choices, and this novel brings you on a journey of the protagonist trying on numerous different lives they thought would've brought them happiness. I'm a person who has, in different times in my life, thought of the "what ifs." The story made me rethink all of that. And what I think you should communicate to the ex? One last communication wishing her well, but that you will have to go no contact for the good of your marriage. Your wife deserves no less, and if you can't do that, it'll be one more thing you can add to your life that you end up regretting. It's called establishing relationship boundaries. Just as, in example, if you thought a co-worker was attractive and she started stopping by your desk for lengthy daily chats and you looked forward to going to work just because you know you'd be seeing her that day--that's exactly the person you shouldn't treat any differently than any other co-worker, and you would have to actively cut conversations short due to the attraction. And you definitely wouldn't confide in each other about relationship problems. That often develops into an emotional affair. You never shared a home with all the daily stress that comes with it with the ex--paying bills, illnesses, family drama, etc. It was a youthful relationship where I'm sure the beginning, at least, was loads of fun. So the fantasy world of what could've been with her is probably seen through rose-colored glasses. You say you're happy with your wife, so remove all outside interferences that would put that in jeopardy. If you need a spark to reignite anything that might be missing, look into some articles that will give you some great ideas. Good luck.

IMO, those who do things for the wrong reasons, to please others more than themselves, end up being unsuccessful, unhappy, lead shallow lives, and a myriad of other negatives. Do what makes you happy, and others will be drawn to that happiness. It's ridiculous to think a majority of women is drawn to one particular type of man working in one particular type of career.

Believe me, I've had my fair share of disappointments in friendships as well. That said, I know you're big into enjoying activities with buddies, and since you're into music, what I would do is start your own Meetup.com group if you can't find one that already exists. It'd be fun to arrange meet ups where you go to a local music store to hang out with other like-minded music lovers, with a plan to go to a nearby coffee shop to have more discussions about what everybody is into. Some book stores also have music sections, and some also have coffee shops. You could also arrange meet ups for local concerts and appearances in bars by groups you like. As in groups, there will always be some people you gel with and some you don't. You never know if new friendships will form with this activity. In the meantime, you can still be around people to have interesting discussions with.

Where does she live? If close by, send her a message saying, "Want to meet up at XYZ for drinks next Saturday night?" If you think building up to some sort of cyber relationship is needed before this happens, you're wrong. I know I grew frustrated if a guy took too long to do the asking and think: What the hell is he waiting for? If she says yes or suggests an alternate date, you will get your wish. If she says no or maybe another time without follow through, you will be able to emotionally move on and waste no further time. If she lives far away, I recommend dating locally instead of thinking cyber space makes this a small world, because that's an illusion and is not realistic dating.

If she's as into you as you are into her, as soon as she finds out you're moving there in 5 months, she likely won't be getting on Match.com, etc. LOL If I were you, when you next go to Colorado and see Kay, you can say something like: Now that I'm moving here, I'd like to give you my cell number. You can see by her reaction if things are favorable. Once that happens, you can communicate more often, and if you see signs are favorable she would welcome an invite to dinner, ask. Would love to hear the outcome, so keep us in the loop.

Sure, well, if you'd be happy building a life in Colorado regardless of whether or not a relationship happens with Kay, and you're not leaving some high-powered career not available there, why not move? Even if you dated her and it didn't work out, or if you read her wrongly and she's not willing to date you, you could still build a nice life close by to your sibling, who's your buddy. Siblings are who we know the longest while on earth, and it's great you have one you're close to. It's probably actually good that you haven't begun something with this woman, and then months later say you're up and moving to be close to her. Because even as that would be the goal for new partners, it adds pressure to the person in that situation whereas they might think: OMG, this person's moving all this way for me. What happens if after two more dates, things fall apart? Just keep with realistic expectations, that your being happy there isn't contingent upon Kay. If it happens that you two date and it works out, it'll be a bonus. And if down the road you're dating and she asks if you moved there for her, you can word it just like I've said here, such as, "Yes, I had hopes, so it was a bonus to me moving to a place I enjoy, and to be closer to my sister." Things look promising with her, but if she's not your fate, another lovely lady will love to be your number one as you sound like a real catch. Good luck and let us know what happens!

What exactly does he do with it? Of course, other people shouldn't be snooping, but if a person has nothing to hide, they just set it on a coffee table and are comfortable leaving it there when you're in the living room and they leave to go to the bathroom, etc. So, yes, it's important to note if he guards it like a vulture over carrion. What's his relationship history? Are you two exclusive? Do you ever let him be the one to initiate getting together, or is you doing so all or the majority of the time? Have you met any of his friends? How often does he text others in your presence? Too busy to text? People text while sitting on the toilet, LOL. People take lunch/dinner breaks, and can be replying to a text between bites. There are some things it's great to communicate about for improvement in a relationship, but in this case, I likely wouldn't even bother. If guy isn't excited to connect with me at least a few times a day, it'd be a clear sign to me that he's just not that into me. During my dating years, I learned if a guy didn't make it crystal clear how into me he was, I was wasting my time. Good luck and keep us updated.

People are in one their most vulnerable states when sharing their naked bodies with a loved one. Broaching concerns about the topic of sex has to be handled with extreme kid-gloves. Just as an intelligent, caring woman wouldn't express deep concern if a man couldn't get it up, like chattering on, i.e., "Oh, wow. What happened? This never happened before. Should you see a doctor? Or do I not look sexy to you today?" Whereas, a smart woman would just let the guy speak for himself, and just be loving, caressing his chest, or saying something that makes sense for the situation. "We're both overly tired." If she's a people pleaser, maybe she'd prefer sex once or twice a week and just goes along with your three or four times a week preference to please you. I'd just give her your needs, which is to ask that she not get on the phone for 10 or 15 minutes after the deed so you two can chill without that distraction. And do take what she says at face value, or the bitterness you feel will ruin the relationship. If you can't stop from feeling bitter, just let her go, because nobody deserves that. Many women do better getting off with oral, so you can try that as an alternate, if you haven't, and don't expect her to cum a 2nd time just because it's your turn when you stick it in. Make the communication positive, in that you're learning about each other like treasure maps. If you feel as though she's not authentic, and things don't take a turn for the better, it's best to end it before investing any more time when you two don't gel.

Hard to bond with someone else when 5 days a week you're flirting with your co-worker, fantasizing about him, stopping by each others desks at work for chats, making sure you're looking good at work since he'll be seeing you, and doing activities outside of work with this co-worker. Yeah, let the new guy go since you're not feeling it. You'll then have to decide whether or not you will break your rule of not dating co-workers. If you give dating a try, know the possible consequences and be prepared for the worse. You also have to think of another possibility that though he seems like he's into you, it might be that when you let him know you're single, he fails to ask you out. Some guys are into keeping a fun, flirty spark in these types of friendships, yet never are interested in turning it into an actual flame. If you decide to date him, try to keep your romantic relationship out of the workplace, because too much of what your colleagues are seeing will make you two seem less professional. If you decide not to date him, you're going to have to end this emotional affair, and begin treating him like any other co-worker. This will include losing each other's numbers and no longer meeting outside of work, because that won't be conducive to any future romantic relationships you have with anyone else. If he's really not interested in dating you, and just liked the fact you have a crush on him because it's an ego boost for him, the same advice applies. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Well, there was proper communication about needs, so you both understand what makes each other happy. When a request is reasonable, and lack of effort happens for each of you, it means neither of you cares enough. Are you both young, like under age 25? Perhaps you're both afraid to break up since you're so used to each other and afraid to rock the boat. But maybe that's the best route if you've outgrown each other--maybe need more dating experiences. Just throwing out something that might be happening, or maybe I'm totally wrong. Just throwing out some theories. I'm guessing she's fearing telephone arguments that will ruin her much needed vacation. If that's a valid fear, then yes, this is very concerning. Most couples look forward to an "I miss you" phone call at least once a day if apart for vacations and business trips.

There are books out there about establishing boundaries with people. Please read one or two for helpful hints. People need to deeply feel the consequences of their actions, not just get tongue lashings. I'm sure your parents value your company, so your company will have to be removed whenever they cross boundaries and talk about her negatively behind her back, or to her face. You immediately hang up the phone, or leave the room, or leave the restaurant--whatever the case may be. You tell them that you love them but their opinion is irrelevant to you when it comes to choosing YOUR lifetime partner. And give them a wake-up call that if you two marry and have children, that you want your parents to be a part of their grandchildren's life, but that might not happen as often as they'd like when they can't treat their future grandchildren's mother with respect. Just because they are blood, and you're their child, doesn't give them the right to treat you and your partner anyway they choose. They don't have a free pass, and you as a people pleaser have probably made this easier for them to get away with. The best way to change someone else's behavior is to change your own. Read those books and use the skills you learn from them. You might not get results overnight, but keep on showing them you have a spine and you're an adult now who doesn't put up with BS. Good luck.

Sounds like you're doing some things right, and have done some things wrong. Very normal, and I did the same when I was in the dating world. Yeah, since decent, attractive people are snapped up quickly, sometimes it involves a bit of luck in meeting the right person when they're single yet having enough distance from a relationship to not be rebounding. Seems as though you continued with deal breaking issues from former partners, likely hoping in vain there would be improvement. You gave them chances you shouldn't have. To feel more concrete about a plan, write a list down of must-haves and dealbreakers and stick to it when dating. Cut people off as soon as you see the dealbreaker. In that way, you won't waste 1 or more years on partners who possess dealbreakers. You have to date a boatload of people to find the one who meets all of your main needs. So yeah, this process will take a lot longer when you're not cutting off the losers ASAP. Reading "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne helped me gain a more positive mindset during the process. Good luck.

Not that he ended up being a prized potential partner, but really, it's best to meet for coffee on a first meet, so that neither party is out more than that small cost. It doesn't matter how much money he makes. Why does he want to throw away a lot of money spent on a very iffy situation, which initial meet ups definitely are? Since you're still single, you might consider your outdated ideas about being taken care of by a man will drive decent men away. It doesn't matter if both earn equally or one makes more--a couple should regularly treat each other, without a totally one-sided situation. And you speak of him walking behind you leading up to the restaurant door. Do you really think it'd be polite to walk in front of you? Perhaps if the employee hadn't gotten to the door first, he would have eventually moved ahead of you to open the door. You seemed to be dissecting his every move on the second date and could have made him nervous. I'm sure the expression on your face while you're doing this was a dead giveaway. No, he was not a good candidate for dating, but perhaps neither are you. If you find yourself alone after many dating attempts, perhaps look to improving your own viewpoints and attitude.

25 dollars per co-worker? Geez, how many co-workers do you have to buy for? A Secret Santa where you pick one name out of the hat might be a lot more kinder to your pockets and less stressful. Just throwing that out there, even though it wasn't a part of the question. I bought a four pack of holiday tins filled with flavored hot chocolate packets at Costco to have on hand for impromptu gifts. Hot cocoa doesn't have too many calories. Many women like sugar scrub for their skin and body splash from Bath and Body Works, etc. Sometimes men like those sets of barbecue sauce.

In my experience, a person who takes things as an attack that nobody else would see it as such, suffers from depression. They are seeing things through a skewed lens. My ex-husband did that as well, and then stopped when he got on anti-depressants and received therapy. When he stopped therapy and anti-depressants, he became even worse than before. If you're upset the majority of the time because of this issue, why stay? Life's too short. Find someone who doesn't overreact. I divorced and married someone who I didn't have to walk on eggshells around.

You won't like my advice at all, but I'll give it anyway. It doesn't matter if separating, and then moving toward divorce was her idea or not, but she won't be mentally ready, even if she says otherwise, to date until a good year after the divorce is finalized. People need to go through all those stages that entail the end of a relationship, and get to know themselves again as a solo individual, before they can successfully try to date again. She's actually been crossing relationship boundaries by getting too friendly with you and divulging her marital troubles with someone who has a crush on her--yes, she knows. Perhaps it's the reason her marriage is ending, because she doesn't know how to be a decent partner. She's still legally married, and it's unethical and unwise to make moves on a married woman. IMO, 17 years is a very big age gap. When you project to the future, in general you'll likely be doing everything 17 years ahead of her--retirement, aging issues, dying, etc. Doesn't seem like an egregious gap at the ages you both are now. But big differences start coming into play in ones 50s and 60s. That's why on OLD, there are plenty of guys in their 20s and 30s willing to ask out women in their 40s, but how many of them are asking out women in their 50s and 60s? I've seen cases where the older person doesn't have their SO to hang out with in retirement years because the younger partner has to work another 15 to 20 years. And as I tell people, I'm glad my husband is 3 years younger. If he were 18 to 20 or more years older, I'd have to be handling his elderly problems as well as I've had to do with my elderly parents. Having to help with elderly parents is already stressful and tiring, so I don't want to also prematurely do this for my husband. And if I were the much older woman, I know I'd be too self-conscious about my wrinkles when my partner has far fewer. Some people could care less, though. Just my two cents.

If you remain in the relationship, no matter if staying or moving, one of you will feel resentful, and it will begin to affect your or his feelings, depending on who got their wish. It is important to see his existing family dynamics and the problems that might arise. Such as if his brother moved to another city or country, etc., expect that past behavior predicts future behavior, and he might want to pick up and move as well, no matter how you felt about it. In your shoes, I'd see this as a "starter relationship" in your younger years. It may have worked for a time, but as people grow into adulthood, goals can change or opportunities come to light, and it's clear you're moving toward two separate paths. Nobody said life is easy. There are no do-overs, so do what's best for yourself. You will mourn, heal, and move on.

Yes, most people have extremely limited leisure time. Most work full time jobs, and also have to fit in time with family, a handful of friends, because friendship takes effort, and of course time with a significant other and for some, raising children and a having a hobby. It's highly unlikely that these busy people, who are slow to respond to your texts, are going to take on the amount of time and energy it takes to build a relationship with an acquaintance living 6 hours away. And also the fact they they are called targets is really disturbing. It's far different when close friendships build first and then distance happens, but even with those friendships, they change in significant ways. I'm still friends with a woman who was the maid of honor in my wedding, but shortly after, I moved away and she doesn't like to fly. So we just saw each other when I visited her town whenever I visited my parents there. She has developed closer relationships with local friends, as I have. The local friendships are what we expend most of our time and energy into, because it's far more satisfying to physically get together versus communicating in cyber space. Just as your feelings about tunnel vision about a fantasy situation where you will build a satisfying relationship with two people 6 hours away are of the alternate variety, your expectations this will happen are also outside of the norm. As I've said before, it's unethical to try to connect with someone you feel obsessive feelings about. I'd set that goal aside and continue working with your therapist.

Who knows if it's guardian angels, or it's just bound to happen when you're with someone so often that if there are skeletons in the closet, they will fall right out of that closet and practically knock you out. As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." He hasn't divulged to you this behavior because he knows it would upset you. So he will do whatever he damn well pleases behind your back because it suits him and he doesn't care you'd be upset. Doesn't fear that his actions might destroy your relationship if you found out. It's upsetting to think you've found a decent partner, and now you have to take that smelly garbage to the sidewalk and start all over again. As mentioned by another poster, when your man-picker is consistently off, perhaps you're ignoring early red flags, and perhaps lack self-worth and are subconsciously picking losers because you think it's what you deserve. Be alone and work on your self-worth, and perhaps you will see better results in the future. The good thing is that you found this out before investing more time. Take care.