Andrina

When you love someone, it's normal to hope for the best about major changes to take place. But it's not wise. You should've stayed broken up the first time you bailed. The bad outweighs the good. So if him showing up to your place is the only way he shows he cares, yeah, you're settling. Even though it's clear, at least for us who don't love him, that's he's not good bf material, you should be learning from your own mistakes for better success in the future. As said, save relationship discussions for in person. Avoid that in texting. Make a list of must-haves and dealbreakers for relationships and stick to it in future dating situations. Only become exclusive with someone who has all your must-haves and lacks dealbreakers. And yes, sometimes you have to get beyond the honeymoon period before all that is realized. At your age, you don't have time to waste on inappropriate men when having children is a goal. Take care.

Like anything, it takes time to heal and there are no shortcuts to that. And if you don't learn a lesson from that experience, you will repeat the same pattern. That would mean that if you're interested in a man, you don't let more than two months go by without finding out if dating is in the picture or not. If he doesn't ask, either you do or you don't, and then move on if he's not interested. Getting an answer should be your goal. Making yourself temporally vulnerable is far less egregious than wasting a decade on someone who doesn't share your interest. And no longer be close buddies with a guy you want more with. Stick to female friends. This will ensure you're fully emotionally free to bond with a guy who has asked you out. Perhaps pining for someone unattainable meant you're really weren't psychologically ready for a relationship. It's like playacting and fantasizing felt safer for you than what a real relationship entails. Reminds me of young teen girls who aren't ready to date yet, but they are mentally practicing by severely crushing on a celebrity. I agree with Batya about you disclosing your feelings after he was already in a relationship. That's a really unethical thing to do. If you don't know if something is unethical or not, think about things like: If his fiancee was there when you said that, would she be okay with it or upset? It's actually also unethical for you to continue the same type of friendship you've had with him now that he's taken, because of the way you feel about him. I know that if he was my fiancee, I'd expect a woman who has a crush on him would ethically fade from that close friend status to a status of being friendly when encountering each other in a group setting. Perhaps you should spend less time with this group and expand your social horizons joining other Meetup groups and maybe begin a new hobby. When you're no longer emotionally attached to him, joining a Meetup group for singles in your age group might be a good way to meet local single men. Good luck for a new start in 2023.

I don't believe in breaks. They are not necessary and do a lot of harm. Of course, if you're dealing with a problem, or overload of something such as temporary extreme overtime, or studying for major tests at the end of a semester, etc., you can then tell a partner that the regular dating situation and communication has to lessen quite a bit until everything is completed/resolved. That's a big difference than giving each other the freedom of being single. So now there is this loosey-goosey lack of rules and a clear roadmap of how to interact with each other because you are not a committed couple. To make things clearer, ask her to give you the "rules" of how she wants things done presently, as far as how often communication can happen. If one or both of you can initiate communication. If you're getting together, and if so, how often, and who can initiate that. And if kissing will continue to happen or not. Sounds ridiculous to have to have this awkward conversation, but you're the one who caused things to regress in the first place. IMO, when one or both people are willing to free their partner to be single, they really don't care enough. Perhaps you're just missing being part of a couple. If the issue you had was so problematic, why did it only take 60 days to resolve? Hopefully you've learned a lesson on how to deal with problems while still staying connected to a partner. Isn't it nice to have a partner's support when you're dealing with problems, which are always a part of anyone's life?

In your shoes, I'd probably purchase or get from the library books on communication, like Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. They've made recent updates to the book. You can take turns reading to each other, such as 1 chapter per day. Practice the advice given. See if that helps. Did you explain this to her? Maybe bring it up when you're in a mellow mood, that you'd rather pick your battles, and let little stuff slide, and that sometimes you're not in a chatty mood because of a bad day at work. Is she comfortable with silence? Let her know that her asking you if everything is okay often winds up with fights, so you two will have to find different ways to communicate, and for her not to worry about you, since if there is a problem important enough to address, you will certainly tell her. How do you two maintain an good emotional connection with each other? Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Putting things in simplistic terms, if a person doesn't share your dating/relationship goals, he is NOT the right man for you. If a person isn't presently an ideal partner, it's foolish to wait around, hoping for major change, before you will be happy. And hoping for change is another signal a person isn't the right match. Fear of being alone and seeing the start of new dating processes all over again aren't good enough reasons to stay with someone who spews nothing but fear and puts up barriers. Obviously, you haven't found a keeper with your pattern of being friends with a man first before dating him? Perhaps it's time to try a new method, like jumping into dating. Maybe try Meetup.com groups once you're ready to date again. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Though teens in high school and when you're young in your early to mid twenties, you can't envision a life where this same friendship group will remain exactly as it is now. But change is inevitable and will no doubt happen when some or all of the members enter into serious relationships, have children, move away, get too busy with new friends or hobbies, etc. Your friendship with this woman has to change one way or another. Sounds like this is a watershed moment for you that you will have to take the lead on. I agree with Kwothe 28, and my read on it is that she likes the ego boost you have a crush on her, but she's just not that into you. In her shoes, knowing that you are friendly enough with your ex, and that she became friends with her after you two had already ended things, I believe she would've discussed with this friend if it was okay if she dated you. What would I do in your shoes? Have one more discussion with her. Say, "I'd like to date you. If you want the same, are you will to ask X if she's okay with this, if that's your only barrier?" If the answer is no, for your own good, you will have to take steps to lessen this friendship greatly, as in no more one-on-one get togethers and even losing each others numbers. Basically being pleasant in the group. If you don't, it will prevent you from bonding with an available love interest. And a new love interest will make a quick exit from your life when she finds out that you get together with, and regularly text and call, a woman you consider your closest friend whom you've wanted as a girlfriend. Change can be upsetting, but is a normal part of growing up, and also can lead to better things you can't even imagine right now. Getting an answer will help you to emotionally move on with no more wasted time if the answer is no, or will give you the opportunity to move your life in a whole new direction if the answer is yes. Good luck and keep us updated.

Why not suggest to him that you double date for dinner? Perhaps it will put your fears to rest. I'm friends with a gay male couple at work who my husband has met as we've gotten together many times for house parties, and he likes them. Basically, affairs always come to light without a person having to pry. The only control you have is to be the best gf you can be, and to make sure a person meets all of your main needs. Beyond that, let the cards fall where they may, because it's unrealistic that you will go throughout life without being hurt. I wouldn't make that your goal, because it's unrealistic.

Now you've got it! That's exactly what you should say as you head for the nearest exit.

Even as she says that, whether she is in denial or can't see the forest for the trees, you're still miserable and the problem isn't going away. That's the only info you need to do what's best for yourself. I know what relationship rules I like to have and if a partner doesn't match me, I wouldn't agree on exclusivity. This is a good learning experience for you. In the future, discuss all the relationship rules you're comfortable with before deciding to become exclusive with someone.

There are many situations where people like an ego boost and the excitement of an emotional affair, even if there is never an intention of having a physical affair. But emotional affairs are just as harmful as physical ones. Examples: Co-workers who are attracted to one another, and one or both are taken, yet they treat each other FAR differently than any other co-worker, and look forward to that overly involved interaction every day at work. That's why the terms "work husband" and "work wife" come in. I had a former group friend from my teen years ask to me my Facebook friend. I accepted and then he sent me a flirty message, even as he saw from my profile I was married. I immediately deleted him as a FB friend, because I don't need the ego boost and that'd be a crappy thing to do as far as my husband is concerned, to keep in contact with my former, inappropriate friend. To me, this is sort of a similar situation you are in, because that woman has a crush on your gf. Therefore, no matter how your gf has enjoyed the friendship in the past, now that she's in a serious relationship, she should be making decisions that are conducive to preserving your relationship. Sometimes one should end friendships under certain circumstances, and this is one of them. If you can't count on a partner to make the right decision, then they aren't the right partner for you. Because the right partner won't have you upset the majority of the time. This problem is one that happens daily with their daily contact. In your shoes, after nothing positive happened after the discussion, I'd be saying, "This relationship isn't working for me."

No wonder you haven't gotten over him. You're checking on what he's doing, keeping him present in your life. And a future love interest will feel smothered being the sole center of your universe when you don't have any friends. Develop a happy life solo before entering the dating world again. Your mindset should be adding a companion to your happy life, versus having a man being the only reason you're happy. You were given a lot of great advice in a previous post. Why haven't you taken it and started applying it?

Besides what's already been said, I find it strange she spends around 8 days each month living at her daughter's house, who only lives an hour away, which isn't all that far. I'm all about family time, but to me, in her case, that's being overly involved. If my SO did this, he'd no longer be my SO. Especially when I wasn't invited. It's exactly why I always avoided having a relationship with a Mama's boy. If you do decide to live together, definitely do not give up your primary residence until it's clear things are working out.

What does this mean? Will you be doing surveillance activities, or taking his word that he's no longer in contact and never will be again?

People who choose to date long distance either have things to hide, or everyone locally won't touch them with a 10-foot pole, or they possess barriers like emotional baggage. You can see some or all of those things in the both of you. How you think two dysfunctional people are going to create paradise, I don't know. You're not ready to date until you get rid of your emotional baggage and have realistic expectations in dating. He's not ready to date either, since he's making major plans that involve moving close to you and impregnating someone he's barely known for 60 days. You haven't even had sex yet. You might not match in that area. You're both lacking in self-esteem, so you're both too fearful of each other to gain a genuine emotional connection. What is your effort since he does all the driving and paying? Posing to look pretty while he wines and dines you? Quality men won't put up with that BS. And quality men also won't jeopardize their careers by being tethered to a phone all day to appease a demanding girlfriend. You have a lot of work to do on yourself--your self-esteem and expectations.

What the hell is that all about? Too much seriousness for a first meet. Sorry, but nobody has a crystal ball to know why it takes her so long to respond. Maybe she's at work and can't. Maybe she's hanging out with someone and doesn't want to be rude by being glued to her phone. Maybe she senses you're wanting to text all day and she's busy, so she is putting up boundaries. For this situation, and the future, sometimes let the other person initiate communication. It's the best way to gauge a person's interest or lack of. You made a date, so just keep on taking a wait-and-see, one day at a time attitude. And keep the subjects of discussion light-hearted. Save the serious topics for when it's clear the dating will continue past a few months. Her trust issues should be a red flag, so don't ignore that just because she's pretty. Make sure she doesn't start convicting you for a crime you haven't committed, and doesn't have over the top jealousy issues. Because a person carrying around emotional baggage isn't relationship material. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I wouldn't doubt that visiting his family and leaving regularly for his hobby is a smokescreen for an affair. It doesn't really matter though, as his treatment of you is horrific. I highlighted the excerpt, just so you're aware that any man flirting with a taken woman is no better than your husband. It's wise to concentrate on yourself and your pets a good long while before you're mentally ready to date again. Yes, your self-worth needs work, or you will repeat the pattern of bad relationships. You say he has a temper, so please ensure your safety during the exit the process. If you don't have friends and family as a nearby support system, do ask for local law enforcement to be there if you're moving out or he has to move out. Take care and keep us updated.

Maybe this is one reason you're having no luck. What should you have said while texting? That you're out of town for XYZ and that upon your return, likely by this date, you'd love to see him again. What you wrote sounds like a slow fade, excuses, and a made-up situation because you're too cowardly to let him know you're not interested. Even if that wasn't your intent, it's how it comes across. The last line in the excerpt is a given and needs to never be said. That's what everybody does--see where things lead. And here again: it's a dating site, not a site to make friends. You meet to establish chemistry and to gradually find out if the person is a match. You don't jump into bed until comfortable, which could be months down the road, and that's fine. But putting this "friends first" is off-putting, with a pace that sounds like it could be at a snail's pace, and not how people normally enter the dating scene. It shows a person might have issues where they fear a normal dating situation. No matter what you perceived as this guy's good points, the bad stuff totally overrode that. Read some articles on relationship dealbreakers and write them down, since you have a hard time spotting them. And then read an article on must-haves. Keep those as a rule book when dating. He has no guy friends but stays in touch on social media with a harem of exes. That was but one of so many red flags you failed to exit the relationship for. Learn from your mistakes or you are bound to repeat them.

Don't feel bad about being 27 and single. Most people go through great change from the late teens to the late twenties. They are still learning about their evolving selves, so how in the heck can they wisely choose a lifetime partner at that young age? Sure, some people have luck finding a keeper before that, but many in my older age group, including me, had first marriages fail because we were too young and dumb at the time, and hadn't enough life experience under our belts yet to choose wisely. Many of us chose a lot better the second time around. Dating apps are not working in your favor. There are never any guarantees in life, but you might find higher quality men by meeting those who engage in volunteer work or have a hobby that doesn't involve drinking or gambling. Get yourself out into the world with a new hobby and/or volunteer activity. Start an internet search of things that might interest you in your area. You might be surprised at what exists. Just make sure they are activities men would also be interested in. I know a couple who met when they were in their early 30s, volunteering at the local zoo. Adult education is another great please to meet large groups of people, such as in language classes to learn another language or sign language. In the future, don't make major moves like moving in with someone or moving closer to them before regularly dating at least a year. It takes at least that long to find out more of what you need to know about a partner. And yes, if you regularly drove a 3 hour round trip to get to his place, you could've afforded the therapy appointments. Until you get set up for that, start reading books and articles on achieving self-love. Without that, you will attract, and subconsciously be attracted to, dysfunctional people. Good luck.

This reads to me as a lack of self-esteem on your end. It's sort of like you're willing to settle for the scraps of friendship (and the words I put in bold are suggestive as a supportive ear for his problems, so you saying you didn't want to be a therapist is reading as the opposite in this excerpt). Open for reconnecting is unwise, as you already thought he'd grown past his former difficulties, and yet he hadn't. Whose to say this pattern wouldn't repeat? You're so close to the situation you can't see an alternate possibility--that he'd set up this exit from the very beginning, as some guys actually want short term, even as they say otherwise. They like to bolt as soon as they've met the goal of intimacy, and then it gets to the point the woman expects things to go to the next level. He could've put that worm in your ear about past trauma, and then pulled it out of his hat when the time came. He could then get out without too much melodrama from you, since who could argue about his mental health needs? Do some more work on your self-love, and perhaps you might end up with better relationship success. I know when I did OLD, there were times I thought my self-love was at a good level, but looking back, I found it was far from being healthy. I shake my head at what I put up with. With time and distance, I saw things through a clearer lens. Good luck going into our new year.

He will wind up resenting you since he says cutting ties will be difficult for him. And that is very telling in itself of how emotionally attached he is. I have a feeling his ex is the one who ended things. She's likely manipulative, as she gets exactly what she wants--funded freedom. Who allows an emotionally dysfunctional, tricycle sort of relationship? People who lack self-esteem. People who settle because subconsciously they don't think they deserve better. Make yourself free and hold out for a bicycle built for two. That's the stuff romantic songs are inspired by.

How old are you? How long have you been dating your bf? What is his relationship history? Do you work? How far away does your daughter live? Can you drive or is it a plane ride trip? How's your self-esteem? In good condition, or does it need improving? Without knowing anything else, when you're not 100 percent confident in buying a house together under his terms, definitely don't. What are the negative traits your friends and loved ones are concerned about in regards to your bf, if any? Would be helpful to know if you want more informative answers.

This sounds like you're always the one to initiate contact. Is this correct? Better to gauge someone's interest by seeing if they put in equal effort. From my own past experiences, I'm guessing it's an ego boost that he knows you have a crush on him, but he's just not that into you. I've never had luck making the first move with guys like this, but if a guy is clueless or very shy, I've known women who've had luck in those sorts of situations. I'd probably give clues that you'd say yes if he asked you out. In person, you could compliment him on something--his hair or shirt. Give him an opening, bringing up something that sounds like fun that you want to do on the weekend. A new club or restaurant you want to try. I'd make a personal timeline of how long you'll allow being texting buddies without an invite. If he doesn't progress to that, no need to waste any more time on thinking he's romantic material. You can either remain acquaintance buddies, or let the texting fade away.

First off, don't bother trying to decipher his mind. It doesn't matter anymore. He didn't meet your needs. Good for you for cutting off something that didn't work for you. You should now block him for closure. Just about every ex I had contacted me again at some point, and that was when blocking wasn't an option on my phone at that time. If it had been, I would've used it since for some of those texts or calls I received, it set my healing back to square one. Feel good that you've made yourself single for someone who will make you a priority, and can't wait to speak to you daily and to make plans to regularly see you. In my experience, it took about 4 months to stop thinking of an ex daily after NC, so know what's happening now is a normal step to get where you need to be. Take care and happy holidays.

Everybody says dumb things now and then. It's what their intent was that's important. It doesn't sound at all like his intent was to be mean or hurt you. You should let that slide. I, myself, like most people, have things l like about my body and face, and things I'm not too crazy about. Never once have I said a thing to my husband about what I see as my bodily faults. In my mind, he might not have noticed or doesn't have the same opinion, but if I pointed out the flaws, he'd really look and think, "Hmm, maybe she does have a point." And really, those discussions usually are quite boring to a guy. What should you have done in hindsight, perhaps? At the point you've saved enough money to change your nose to your liking, you could've then told him when you were going in for surgery. Take care and happy holidays.

Well, yeah, 4 months is not enough time after a divorce to begin dating. You were the rebound. People usually need a breather instead of jumping from one ending serious relationship and into another relationship that is bound for seriousness. I know that my husband took a whole 2 and a half years after his previous marriage ended before he ventured into the dating world again. At that point, he was fully, emotionally ready. My only advice is to guard your heart a bit at the beginning. A lot of relationships end before it gets out of the honeymoon period of 3 or 4 months. If you get beyond that period, you get to take your rose-colored glasses off and to start seeing the real, 3 dimensional person emerge. And then if things are still going well, you can pour more of your heart into something that might have a chance of going longterm. NC is the best thing for you so you can have closure and emotionally move on. Regardless of this breakup, I hope you're able to create some joy for the holidays. Take care.