Andrina

I'll address this first, since I disagree. I'd say finding out the earlier the better if a person's dating style/life goals matches yours is wise, so you don't waste your time. Assuming is the worst thing you can do. Of course, you don't even know if what a stranger says is truthful or not. You just have to have a wait-and-see attitude. Of course everyone begins casual, but some people have short term goals and others are searching for a longterm companion. In addressing your overthinking things, you say you don't want children. He now says on his profile he's open to having children. He typed those words out. So why would you waste any more of your time? You two have different lifetime goals. And don't fool yourself, saying you looked at his profile out of boredom. You keep looking at it because you're becoming invested. From the outside looking in, getting together once every two weeks doesn't spell high interest to me.

My best guess is that he has a gf and that he's a jerk. That he noticed you were attractive and sensed you thought the same, and it was a heady spark for him. He crossed a boundary to feed the spark, and then got spooked about his mistake, or his gf made major plans he couldn't back out of for both weekends. He might be on his last legs with a relationship and envisions you as someone to monkey branch to, but if that's the case, he's still a jerk. If you never had to see him again, if it were me, I'd block his number. Since you seem to regularly see him at work, in that case, I might text: I'm no longer interested in a coffee date. (and whatever minor ditty you want to add to that). That is, of course, if you want to avoid conversation about the matter when he sees you at work. And then you can block his number.

Not that she was good gf material, but for your own sake for future relationship success, look at your own behavior. If you spent more than two days a week together, it's too much at the very beginning. If in your love bubble, you spent less or no time with friends, family, and hobbies/interests, next time, know you have to keep a fulfilling life besides having a love interest. And if your life lacks a healthy balance of spending time alone, with friends, and on hobbies, create that kind of life so your partner won't feel like is smothered, and that she's the sole center of your universe. If a new love interest speaks of lugging around emotional baggage, she is not good gf material. And as said, after 2 months, it's not love. It's infatuation. It's best to have a wait-and-see attitude in early stages, because one must get beyond the honeymoon stage to see the real person emerge, if it even gets this far. Let time reveal all, and see how a person treats you longterm. Of course, you experienced trouble very early. My opinion is to stay broken up. I've never once taken back anyone who has broken up with me, nor did I ever want to get back together with anyone I broke up with. If a person didn't care enough about me and chose to set me free, knowing that could spell forever, then I thought it best to hold out for the person who would never let me go--not even once.

If communication doesn't resolve things, and she's important enough for you to still want her in your life, you can put up boundaries and avoid those situations altogether. Some people are chronically late, and nobody or any discussions will change that. My grown stepdaughter is like that, so we will never arrange to meet her at a restaurant again. A former friend once made us twenty minutes late for an Elton John concert, and so whatever plans I made with her in the future would never include another concert. If she won't change, you will have to. If she gets annoyed over your boundaries, oh well. She has annoyed you with her lack of manners and respecting your time and favor, so you're even.

I've never labeled anyone my best friend, as I know it's normal for friendships to evolve throughout the years, and especially a lifetime. A great metaphor for that is "Never keep all your eggs in one basket." It's okay to feel disappointed about a friend not putting in as much effort as before. How I operate is that I let actions, or lack of them, speak for themselves and I don't go into discussions, calling out a person. I would only have a discussion if said friend asked about a change in my behavior or if they've upset me in some way. And then I'd be honest. If I don't feel like I'm a priority, then I'm not. If a person wants to be in my life, they will make an effort. If they don't, I let them fade away, and I have done that when friends have distanced themselves. I always leave the door open and don't hold grudges. It's best to have the mindset that there is no rule saying a person is bound to you for life because they are presently your friend. Sometimes friendships work for a time, and then they no longer serve the purpose they once served, and that's okay. I don't know if you're male or female. If female, it might be that since he now has a gf, even if you set them up and your friendship is platonic, that he feels it's no longer in the best interest of his primary relationship to have a female as a best friend. It could be that he only finds local friendships valuable, and doesn't want further invest in someone who is moving away. Who knows? Maybe he prefers to spend leisure time in new ways--new gf, new life, new activities, new friendship groups. It doesn't matter in the end. Start being excited about your move, and looking into social groups you can join once there. My advice about him is to keep the door open, and just give equal effort to his, whether it be none, minimal, or builds to a satisfying level once more.

In reading what you've written, it sounds like he always puts himself before you. And the iPad is his priority, instead of a healthy balance where you are a bigger priority and his iPad playing a more minor role. Is that who you really want for a lifetime partner? If it were me, I'd call it quits since communication already failed, but if you want to give it one last go, have one more conversation and be concrete about what you want, such as: I love you and want this relationship to work. There are changes I'd like for me to be happy. Each night, I want iPad free time between this time to this time. I love it when we can talk without distractions, so during this time we can listen to music and give each other foot/back rubs, or cook a new recipe together, or pick out a movie we'd both like and cuddle on the couch, or have another couple over for dinner, or take a trip to the couples store to pick out new stuff for the bedroom. And instead of watching the iPad in bed, I'd like you to try using a blue tooth with your cell phone and listen to a podcast or music or an audio book so I can fall asleep more easily. I'd also like you to not bring the iPad to dinner, because I like to speak with you without distractions. I'd also like to know what you want for our relationship that will make you happier. (To me, those are reasonable requests. If he can't comply or compromise, it means he could care less about your wishes, so why stay? Loving him and having invested 2 years is not a reason to live a lifetime of being lonely and having a partner who doesn't care that you're bothered by his activities.) Good luck and let us know how it goes.

When you love someone, it's normal to hope for the best about major changes to take place. But it's not wise. You should've stayed broken up the first time you bailed. The bad outweighs the good. So if him showing up to your place is the only way he shows he cares, yeah, you're settling. Even though it's clear, at least for us who don't love him, that's he's not good bf material, you should be learning from your own mistakes for better success in the future. As said, save relationship discussions for in person. Avoid that in texting. Make a list of must-haves and dealbreakers for relationships and stick to it in future dating situations. Only become exclusive with someone who has all your must-haves and lacks dealbreakers. And yes, sometimes you have to get beyond the honeymoon period before all that is realized. At your age, you don't have time to waste on inappropriate men when having children is a goal. Take care.

Like anything, it takes time to heal and there are no shortcuts to that. And if you don't learn a lesson from that experience, you will repeat the same pattern. That would mean that if you're interested in a man, you don't let more than two months go by without finding out if dating is in the picture or not. If he doesn't ask, either you do or you don't, and then move on if he's not interested. Getting an answer should be your goal. Making yourself temporally vulnerable is far less egregious than wasting a decade on someone who doesn't share your interest. And no longer be close buddies with a guy you want more with. Stick to female friends. This will ensure you're fully emotionally free to bond with a guy who has asked you out. Perhaps pining for someone unattainable meant you're really weren't psychologically ready for a relationship. It's like playacting and fantasizing felt safer for you than what a real relationship entails. Reminds me of young teen girls who aren't ready to date yet, but they are mentally practicing by severely crushing on a celebrity. I agree with Batya about you disclosing your feelings after he was already in a relationship. That's a really unethical thing to do. If you don't know if something is unethical or not, think about things like: If his fiancee was there when you said that, would she be okay with it or upset? It's actually also unethical for you to continue the same type of friendship you've had with him now that he's taken, because of the way you feel about him. I know that if he was my fiancee, I'd expect a woman who has a crush on him would ethically fade from that close friend status to a status of being friendly when encountering each other in a group setting. Perhaps you should spend less time with this group and expand your social horizons joining other Meetup groups and maybe begin a new hobby. When you're no longer emotionally attached to him, joining a Meetup group for singles in your age group might be a good way to meet local single men. Good luck for a new start in 2023.

I don't believe in breaks. They are not necessary and do a lot of harm. Of course, if you're dealing with a problem, or overload of something such as temporary extreme overtime, or studying for major tests at the end of a semester, etc., you can then tell a partner that the regular dating situation and communication has to lessen quite a bit until everything is completed/resolved. That's a big difference than giving each other the freedom of being single. So now there is this loosey-goosey lack of rules and a clear roadmap of how to interact with each other because you are not a committed couple. To make things clearer, ask her to give you the "rules" of how she wants things done presently, as far as how often communication can happen. If one or both of you can initiate communication. If you're getting together, and if so, how often, and who can initiate that. And if kissing will continue to happen or not. Sounds ridiculous to have to have this awkward conversation, but you're the one who caused things to regress in the first place. IMO, when one or both people are willing to free their partner to be single, they really don't care enough. Perhaps you're just missing being part of a couple. If the issue you had was so problematic, why did it only take 60 days to resolve? Hopefully you've learned a lesson on how to deal with problems while still staying connected to a partner. Isn't it nice to have a partner's support when you're dealing with problems, which are always a part of anyone's life?

In your shoes, I'd probably purchase or get from the library books on communication, like Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. They've made recent updates to the book. You can take turns reading to each other, such as 1 chapter per day. Practice the advice given. See if that helps. Did you explain this to her? Maybe bring it up when you're in a mellow mood, that you'd rather pick your battles, and let little stuff slide, and that sometimes you're not in a chatty mood because of a bad day at work. Is she comfortable with silence? Let her know that her asking you if everything is okay often winds up with fights, so you two will have to find different ways to communicate, and for her not to worry about you, since if there is a problem important enough to address, you will certainly tell her. How do you two maintain an good emotional connection with each other? Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Putting things in simplistic terms, if a person doesn't share your dating/relationship goals, he is NOT the right man for you. If a person isn't presently an ideal partner, it's foolish to wait around, hoping for major change, before you will be happy. And hoping for change is another signal a person isn't the right match. Fear of being alone and seeing the start of new dating processes all over again aren't good enough reasons to stay with someone who spews nothing but fear and puts up barriers. Obviously, you haven't found a keeper with your pattern of being friends with a man first before dating him? Perhaps it's time to try a new method, like jumping into dating. Maybe try Meetup.com groups once you're ready to date again. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Though teens in high school and when you're young in your early to mid twenties, you can't envision a life where this same friendship group will remain exactly as it is now. But change is inevitable and will no doubt happen when some or all of the members enter into serious relationships, have children, move away, get too busy with new friends or hobbies, etc. Your friendship with this woman has to change one way or another. Sounds like this is a watershed moment for you that you will have to take the lead on. I agree with Kwothe 28, and my read on it is that she likes the ego boost you have a crush on her, but she's just not that into you. In her shoes, knowing that you are friendly enough with your ex, and that she became friends with her after you two had already ended things, I believe she would've discussed with this friend if it was okay if she dated you. What would I do in your shoes? Have one more discussion with her. Say, "I'd like to date you. If you want the same, are you will to ask X if she's okay with this, if that's your only barrier?" If the answer is no, for your own good, you will have to take steps to lessen this friendship greatly, as in no more one-on-one get togethers and even losing each others numbers. Basically being pleasant in the group. If you don't, it will prevent you from bonding with an available love interest. And a new love interest will make a quick exit from your life when she finds out that you get together with, and regularly text and call, a woman you consider your closest friend whom you've wanted as a girlfriend. Change can be upsetting, but is a normal part of growing up, and also can lead to better things you can't even imagine right now. Getting an answer will help you to emotionally move on with no more wasted time if the answer is no, or will give you the opportunity to move your life in a whole new direction if the answer is yes. Good luck and keep us updated.

Why not suggest to him that you double date for dinner? Perhaps it will put your fears to rest. I'm friends with a gay male couple at work who my husband has met as we've gotten together many times for house parties, and he likes them. Basically, affairs always come to light without a person having to pry. The only control you have is to be the best gf you can be, and to make sure a person meets all of your main needs. Beyond that, let the cards fall where they may, because it's unrealistic that you will go throughout life without being hurt. I wouldn't make that your goal, because it's unrealistic.

Now you've got it! That's exactly what you should say as you head for the nearest exit.

Even as she says that, whether she is in denial or can't see the forest for the trees, you're still miserable and the problem isn't going away. That's the only info you need to do what's best for yourself. I know what relationship rules I like to have and if a partner doesn't match me, I wouldn't agree on exclusivity. This is a good learning experience for you. In the future, discuss all the relationship rules you're comfortable with before deciding to become exclusive with someone.

There are many situations where people like an ego boost and the excitement of an emotional affair, even if there is never an intention of having a physical affair. But emotional affairs are just as harmful as physical ones. Examples: Co-workers who are attracted to one another, and one or both are taken, yet they treat each other FAR differently than any other co-worker, and look forward to that overly involved interaction every day at work. That's why the terms "work husband" and "work wife" come in. I had a former group friend from my teen years ask to me my Facebook friend. I accepted and then he sent me a flirty message, even as he saw from my profile I was married. I immediately deleted him as a FB friend, because I don't need the ego boost and that'd be a crappy thing to do as far as my husband is concerned, to keep in contact with my former, inappropriate friend. To me, this is sort of a similar situation you are in, because that woman has a crush on your gf. Therefore, no matter how your gf has enjoyed the friendship in the past, now that she's in a serious relationship, she should be making decisions that are conducive to preserving your relationship. Sometimes one should end friendships under certain circumstances, and this is one of them. If you can't count on a partner to make the right decision, then they aren't the right partner for you. Because the right partner won't have you upset the majority of the time. This problem is one that happens daily with their daily contact. In your shoes, after nothing positive happened after the discussion, I'd be saying, "This relationship isn't working for me."

No wonder you haven't gotten over him. You're checking on what he's doing, keeping him present in your life. And a future love interest will feel smothered being the sole center of your universe when you don't have any friends. Develop a happy life solo before entering the dating world again. Your mindset should be adding a companion to your happy life, versus having a man being the only reason you're happy. You were given a lot of great advice in a previous post. Why haven't you taken it and started applying it?

Besides what's already been said, I find it strange she spends around 8 days each month living at her daughter's house, who only lives an hour away, which isn't all that far. I'm all about family time, but to me, in her case, that's being overly involved. If my SO did this, he'd no longer be my SO. Especially when I wasn't invited. It's exactly why I always avoided having a relationship with a Mama's boy. If you do decide to live together, definitely do not give up your primary residence until it's clear things are working out.

What does this mean? Will you be doing surveillance activities, or taking his word that he's no longer in contact and never will be again?

People who choose to date long distance either have things to hide, or everyone locally won't touch them with a 10-foot pole, or they possess barriers like emotional baggage. You can see some or all of those things in the both of you. How you think two dysfunctional people are going to create paradise, I don't know. You're not ready to date until you get rid of your emotional baggage and have realistic expectations in dating. He's not ready to date either, since he's making major plans that involve moving close to you and impregnating someone he's barely known for 60 days. You haven't even had sex yet. You might not match in that area. You're both lacking in self-esteem, so you're both too fearful of each other to gain a genuine emotional connection. What is your effort since he does all the driving and paying? Posing to look pretty while he wines and dines you? Quality men won't put up with that BS. And quality men also won't jeopardize their careers by being tethered to a phone all day to appease a demanding girlfriend. You have a lot of work to do on yourself--your self-esteem and expectations.

What the hell is that all about? Too much seriousness for a first meet. Sorry, but nobody has a crystal ball to know why it takes her so long to respond. Maybe she's at work and can't. Maybe she's hanging out with someone and doesn't want to be rude by being glued to her phone. Maybe she senses you're wanting to text all day and she's busy, so she is putting up boundaries. For this situation, and the future, sometimes let the other person initiate communication. It's the best way to gauge a person's interest or lack of. You made a date, so just keep on taking a wait-and-see, one day at a time attitude. And keep the subjects of discussion light-hearted. Save the serious topics for when it's clear the dating will continue past a few months. Her trust issues should be a red flag, so don't ignore that just because she's pretty. Make sure she doesn't start convicting you for a crime you haven't committed, and doesn't have over the top jealousy issues. Because a person carrying around emotional baggage isn't relationship material. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I wouldn't doubt that visiting his family and leaving regularly for his hobby is a smokescreen for an affair. It doesn't really matter though, as his treatment of you is horrific. I highlighted the excerpt, just so you're aware that any man flirting with a taken woman is no better than your husband. It's wise to concentrate on yourself and your pets a good long while before you're mentally ready to date again. Yes, your self-worth needs work, or you will repeat the pattern of bad relationships. You say he has a temper, so please ensure your safety during the exit the process. If you don't have friends and family as a nearby support system, do ask for local law enforcement to be there if you're moving out or he has to move out. Take care and keep us updated.

Maybe this is one reason you're having no luck. What should you have said while texting? That you're out of town for XYZ and that upon your return, likely by this date, you'd love to see him again. What you wrote sounds like a slow fade, excuses, and a made-up situation because you're too cowardly to let him know you're not interested. Even if that wasn't your intent, it's how it comes across. The last line in the excerpt is a given and needs to never be said. That's what everybody does--see where things lead. And here again: it's a dating site, not a site to make friends. You meet to establish chemistry and to gradually find out if the person is a match. You don't jump into bed until comfortable, which could be months down the road, and that's fine. But putting this "friends first" is off-putting, with a pace that sounds like it could be at a snail's pace, and not how people normally enter the dating scene. It shows a person might have issues where they fear a normal dating situation. No matter what you perceived as this guy's good points, the bad stuff totally overrode that. Read some articles on relationship dealbreakers and write them down, since you have a hard time spotting them. And then read an article on must-haves. Keep those as a rule book when dating. He has no guy friends but stays in touch on social media with a harem of exes. That was but one of so many red flags you failed to exit the relationship for. Learn from your mistakes or you are bound to repeat them.

Don't feel bad about being 27 and single. Most people go through great change from the late teens to the late twenties. They are still learning about their evolving selves, so how in the heck can they wisely choose a lifetime partner at that young age? Sure, some people have luck finding a keeper before that, but many in my older age group, including me, had first marriages fail because we were too young and dumb at the time, and hadn't enough life experience under our belts yet to choose wisely. Many of us chose a lot better the second time around. Dating apps are not working in your favor. There are never any guarantees in life, but you might find higher quality men by meeting those who engage in volunteer work or have a hobby that doesn't involve drinking or gambling. Get yourself out into the world with a new hobby and/or volunteer activity. Start an internet search of things that might interest you in your area. You might be surprised at what exists. Just make sure they are activities men would also be interested in. I know a couple who met when they were in their early 30s, volunteering at the local zoo. Adult education is another great please to meet large groups of people, such as in language classes to learn another language or sign language. In the future, don't make major moves like moving in with someone or moving closer to them before regularly dating at least a year. It takes at least that long to find out more of what you need to know about a partner. And yes, if you regularly drove a 3 hour round trip to get to his place, you could've afforded the therapy appointments. Until you get set up for that, start reading books and articles on achieving self-love. Without that, you will attract, and subconsciously be attracted to, dysfunctional people. Good luck.

This reads to me as a lack of self-esteem on your end. It's sort of like you're willing to settle for the scraps of friendship (and the words I put in bold are suggestive as a supportive ear for his problems, so you saying you didn't want to be a therapist is reading as the opposite in this excerpt). Open for reconnecting is unwise, as you already thought he'd grown past his former difficulties, and yet he hadn't. Whose to say this pattern wouldn't repeat? You're so close to the situation you can't see an alternate possibility--that he'd set up this exit from the very beginning, as some guys actually want short term, even as they say otherwise. They like to bolt as soon as they've met the goal of intimacy, and then it gets to the point the woman expects things to go to the next level. He could've put that worm in your ear about past trauma, and then pulled it out of his hat when the time came. He could then get out without too much melodrama from you, since who could argue about his mental health needs? Do some more work on your self-love, and perhaps you might end up with better relationship success. I know when I did OLD, there were times I thought my self-love was at a good level, but looking back, I found it was far from being healthy. I shake my head at what I put up with. With time and distance, I saw things through a clearer lens. Good luck going into our new year.