Andrina

Something about her behavior, although over a different topic, reminds me of a toxic man I was in a one-year relationship many years ago. My guess for him, and your gf, is that they have such severe issues, that for some reason, they are acting out and truly enjoy their games--basically emotionally torturing their companion. His had to do with being a workaholic. He worked about 12-hour days Mon. to Fri., and then a 7 hour day on Saturdays. He'd get my hopes up that he actually wouldn't work on a Saturday, or cut off a few hours from Saturday work, so we could do something fun. It never happened. Similarly, he had a low libido, although didn't seem to play mind games about it. I know how it feels though, to be frustrated in that area. And my brain told me I was the same woman he desired during the honeymoon stage, but I couldn't help feeling undesirable, and it was a horrible feeling. I also had a friend when I was a teen who secretly enjoyed breaking other people's possessions. It was clear and everyone could see it. It doesn't matter what these people's issues are. Leave them to it, but it doesn't mean you should subject yourself to being around them. When I got time and distance away from that man, I realized my self-love wasn't as healthy as I thought it'd been. He then texted me about 5 months later after breaking up with me, and by that time, I was strong enough to tell him, "No thanks." The next man I dated was a million times better and who was worthy of me. We've now been married for 11 years. Be like Goldilocks and keep on searching. Don't settle for too hard or too soft. "Just right" is not settling.

Being blood relatives doesn't mean you have to have anything to do with one another, when you're not enjoying each other's company. Sounds like you're not hurting anyone if you cut ties. She must have a screw loose to invite your in-laws to dinners and not you. I'd communicate to her it's best you two go your separate ways.

If you fully digested what I wrote, the answer to this is no. You're obviously lacking in self-worth. You're not going to date wisely until that problem is rectified. Read books on how you can improve your self-worth and/or seek therapy. There are pretty women free of the issues she has, but to gain their interest, you need to like yourself and exude confidence. Doormats are not attractive. As George Lucas told a young Carrie Fisher who was in an affair with married Harrison Ford, "Look at who you're with and that's what you think of yourself." In her case, she didn't value herself to allow that inappropriate relationship. This woman likes the ego boost of you having a crush on her. That's it! Don't let her bat you around for her amusement like she's a cat and you're the mouse or lizard.

A person like this whose depression isn't under control with meds and therapy, added upon that severe emotional baggage isn't relationship material, clear and simple. And you label yourself as caring, yet you likely have a White Knight complex. People with that complex feel they are doing the right thing, but they really can't save anyone and end up getting dragged down into the muck themselves. Even more, it's juvenile behavior to get a friend to intervene and be a mouthpiece for her. Don't accept those breadcrumbs and don't get pulled into a relationship 100 percent on a path to failure. You have a lot to learn about dating wisely, and getting together 3 times the very first week is way too much. It's a sign you have nothing fulfilling going on in your life outside of dating, and that will make you look like a barnacle. Keep up with your hobbies/interests, hanging with friends, and everything else you normally do when not dating. Read some books about dating properly if you've had a pattern of failure in that area. Good luck.

Whatever life goals a person has, they set their life up to achieve that. A man with a goal of having an exclusive lifetime partner would live alone. His household would be conducive to get togethers in his home with his one love, without "roomies," unless in your early twenties when that's normal and a person is getting his/her first start away from a parent's home. He's 33. Well beyond that "first start." You've communicated your wishes and he doesn't care. You can't have closure when you're always in contact with him. And yeah, a week of heady sex will have you thinking in a fantasy world that you're both so ready for everything to be close to perfection in your relationship. Yet you're already stressed out about his decision making skills. When you get time and distance away from him with NO CONTACT, you will shake your head at your own decision-making skills for wanting to get back together with this childish man.

You're only there temporarily. You likely don't hail from the same city (I'm assuming.) You're naive to think this will blossom into a forever love where one of you will uproot and move to the other's city for happily ever after. Chemistry is only biological. You have to look at everything beyond that. His friend asked for your number. If his friend thought or knew this guy wanted to date you, he wouldn't be asking for your number. Therefore, the guy didn't relay this to his buddy. He's showing you his pattern of how he likes to spend his leisure time. Going to the bar every night with buddies isn't conducive to creating a a healthy dating situation. As for you, you're going to have to get a spine for your own protection. Giving a number to a guy you didn't want to give a number to just to avoid awkwardness? You're making yourself vulnerable to unsafe practices, and worrying more about another person versus doing what's best for yourself. I'd avoid getting involved with someone who doesn't live in your permanent city. You will be very busy in your PhD program, and won't have time for a LDR (not that he seems interested in something serious). In your shoes, I'd only date upon my return to the city where I normally live.

Breakups are upsetting. But when it happens, after going through all of the necessary stages, you will eventually heal. For me, I know it took about four months before I stopped thinking of an ex on a daily basis. When you think about it, that's a very short blip of time in your life, versus the next fifty or more years you likely have left on the planet, where you'd be anxious, rarely being intimate, and being with someone who doesn't prioritize you if you don't end things now. There are always consequences for action or inaction, and they are either good or bad. Do what's best for yourself, even if difficult. Nobody said life was easy.

Unwarranted jealousy is an act of abuse, since I'm assuming you're being verbally attacked for a crime you haven't committed. Abuse is a dealbreaker to anyone with self-worth.

The mistake you made is to become exclusive with him without discussing relationship boundaries. Because you have to share them to be in a happy, successful relationship. Better late than never. Be clear and honest with yourself of what you want those boundaries to be, and then communicate what they are to him, i.e., "I realize we never discussed relationship boundaries. I want to tell you mine to see if we're on the same page." If he's not and argues with you--isn't willing to bend because he prefers his own which don't match yours, then you will have a hard decision to make. If you don't want to settle and live an upsetting life when a person doesn't match you, you will have to free yourself from the situation. If he's willing to see your point of view and finds it reasonable, he will agree to the relationship boundaries you find important. I know how you're feeling, because even if she is a lesbian and he has no romantic interest in her, there is a different dynamic because of the opposite genders, and you like being the only female besides his family that you want him having that sort of closeness with. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

The majority of the time, nice memories do not equal regret. They are beautiful mementos, in the form of photographs, many choose not to destroy. If a person lived in the past, regretting what would could've been with that former love in the teen years, it would be impacting a present relationship. If that isn't happening, you're worrying over absolutely nothing. And making mountains out of molehills is a surer way to sabotage the good of what you have.

I think it is wise to be thinking about the optimum place for you to be as you're getting older and might eventually need assistance from family. Not that there are any guarantees, but women usually outlive men, so if you move in with him and he dies when you two are far older, it'll be more stressful for you to uproot to another state at a later stage in life. After my parents retired, I told my parents they'd have to move to my state if they wanted me to help in their elderly years. I think it would've been more optimal for them to have moved then, so they could establish new friendships while still healthy and active, and then they could have had friends over for meals, even if housebound. But they waited until my mother was in really poor health. Of course, they enjoyed seeing us family, but had no friends near me and they joked their only social life was going to the doctor and dentist. The fact you are even considering the possibility of moving to another state to me is telling that you'd probably get over him in due time without too much heartbreak.

I prefer a guy like me, who only has a rare moment where we can't help but check out an extremely good looking person a few times a year when out shopping, etc. Or to briefly admire an especially charismatic we have a crush on who's on a favorite show. To me, that's normal. What your bf is doing is not normal. To me, something like that done on a daily basis is a real show of what he enjoys in life. Ogling. If you can't help but think of him as a pig and sleezeball, why would you consider him as a prized person to make your one and only? Yeah, hold out for the gold and haul this garbage to the sidewalk.

Who is more financially well off? You or your husband? Do you own a house together? Do you have shared credit cards and bank accounts? Make sure you're protecting your assets.

I think you're looking for a ray of hope because you deeply care for this man. But as said, when you can only be happy if there is a major change, it usually means said partner is not the right person for you. Because there is no guarantee he will choose therapy, or if he does, no guarantee he'll stick with it. I speak from experience, as my first husband suffered from depression. He expressed it with unwarranted anger. During the worst years, added to that was self-isolating, and assessing situations with extremely faulty perceptions. He did get on meds and therapy after I seriously threatened divorce, and the therapy actually worked for two years. After that, he said he never meant to be on meds for a lifetime, got off them, and became even worse. I eventually divorced him, which free me to find, years later, a companion I could actually enjoy. Your relationship is fairly new, and I'm assuming the newness, for a while anyway, was exciting. But now you're better seeing the reality of things. People don't have to be joined at the hip, and should have some time apart on their own activities, but in your case, I think you two are way too far apart to be able to come up with a happy medium. In your shoes, I'd learn from this experience of what doesn't work for me, and free myself to find a more compatible companion. Take care.

People usually have many priorities in life, spreading their love and attention and time among everyone they love or enjoy spending time with. When this is done in a healthy way, a partner is happy. You are not happy because the times it should be your turn, it's not. And she treats you like you and she are both teens, adhering to strict parental rules, and her daughter is the mom. Yeah, not normal. Sorry you will be dealing with a breakup. On the bright side, you will be free to eventually find a more suitable partner.

Have you ever even looked into the costs of the Visa process, that you might be financially responsible for someone for 10 years since you will sign an affidavit of support, even if there is a divorce if the person is allowed to stay in the U.S.? Also how that person can't work or get a driver's license for a certain period of time. How they go through psychological turmoil, leaving all their friends and family. You're choosing a very high risk way to go about finding a mate. I can't imagine you pulled out all the stops before giving up. Unless you weren't willing to date women on your level of attractiveness.

Your friends might be seeing things you're not aware of. In your shoes, I'd ask my friends if there are any areas they see I could improve in to be more successful in the dating world. Tell them to be honest for your own good. Working on boosting your confidence level? Hair and/or fashion makeover? Smiling more? Not acting like a doormat? Keeping conversation topics positive? Improving conversational skills? What are you good at? Perhaps if you take up a new hobby you can be passionate about, that will resonate and infuse your personality with an extra joy-boost that will draw people toward you like a magnet. Besides OLD, try Meetup groups. Do volunteer work where people of both genders partake in, like environmental cleanups and Habitat for Humanity. Take a dance class. There are so many to choose from: salsa, tango, swing, ballroom. People who might think more women would show up to things are wrong. I used to go to some lessons in many of these types of dances, and either the men equalled the amount of women, and sometimes there were more men present. You have to spread your net wide for the best catch. Good luck.

Since he avoids anything negative, I doubt he'll want to engage, anyway. But there are several reasons being brief is the way to go. One: he doesn't deserve a novel, after distancing himself from you and throwing you a breadcrumb text sparingly. Two: Long discussions are for resolution. You are breaking up, not coming to an agreeable consensus to move forward, because that ship has sailed. Three: The longer you stay and engage, the better leverage he has to try and win you back. You have a nurturing nature, which many women possess. But that trait can make you weak when you allow someone to use you as a doormat, and giving too many chances. You already game him one chance and he blew it. Fool me once it's on you. Fool me twice it's on me. You can do this. 2023 is your year to create the life you deserve, or to at least take steps in that direction.

This really rings of childishness. Happy, smiling, a joy to be around when he's holding a yummy ice cream cone and riding on a roller coaster. Pouting or taking a tantrum when he has to pick up his toys. Romances can only happen with adults who act like adults. How to break up? Ask you if you can drop by his house. Pack up his things and put them in your car. Drive there. Leave the box in your car. Go in and tell him the relationship isn't working for you. Don't get into a lot of details. They are now irrelevant. Don't accept promises of change. Tell him you brought his things. Bring them in and box up your things to take home. Agree to no contact for closure. If he plays mind games and doesn't abide by the rules, block his number. You have to have a spine because you're an adult and the only one who can have your own back. Good luck.

I'll address this first, since I disagree. I'd say finding out the earlier the better if a person's dating style/life goals matches yours is wise, so you don't waste your time. Assuming is the worst thing you can do. Of course, you don't even know if what a stranger says is truthful or not. You just have to have a wait-and-see attitude. Of course everyone begins casual, but some people have short term goals and others are searching for a longterm companion. In addressing your overthinking things, you say you don't want children. He now says on his profile he's open to having children. He typed those words out. So why would you waste any more of your time? You two have different lifetime goals. And don't fool yourself, saying you looked at his profile out of boredom. You keep looking at it because you're becoming invested. From the outside looking in, getting together once every two weeks doesn't spell high interest to me.

My best guess is that he has a gf and that he's a jerk. That he noticed you were attractive and sensed you thought the same, and it was a heady spark for him. He crossed a boundary to feed the spark, and then got spooked about his mistake, or his gf made major plans he couldn't back out of for both weekends. He might be on his last legs with a relationship and envisions you as someone to monkey branch to, but if that's the case, he's still a jerk. If you never had to see him again, if it were me, I'd block his number. Since you seem to regularly see him at work, in that case, I might text: I'm no longer interested in a coffee date. (and whatever minor ditty you want to add to that). That is, of course, if you want to avoid conversation about the matter when he sees you at work. And then you can block his number.

Not that she was good gf material, but for your own sake for future relationship success, look at your own behavior. If you spent more than two days a week together, it's too much at the very beginning. If in your love bubble, you spent less or no time with friends, family, and hobbies/interests, next time, know you have to keep a fulfilling life besides having a love interest. And if your life lacks a healthy balance of spending time alone, with friends, and on hobbies, create that kind of life so your partner won't feel like is smothered, and that she's the sole center of your universe. If a new love interest speaks of lugging around emotional baggage, she is not good gf material. And as said, after 2 months, it's not love. It's infatuation. It's best to have a wait-and-see attitude in early stages, because one must get beyond the honeymoon stage to see the real person emerge, if it even gets this far. Let time reveal all, and see how a person treats you longterm. Of course, you experienced trouble very early. My opinion is to stay broken up. I've never once taken back anyone who has broken up with me, nor did I ever want to get back together with anyone I broke up with. If a person didn't care enough about me and chose to set me free, knowing that could spell forever, then I thought it best to hold out for the person who would never let me go--not even once.

If communication doesn't resolve things, and she's important enough for you to still want her in your life, you can put up boundaries and avoid those situations altogether. Some people are chronically late, and nobody or any discussions will change that. My grown stepdaughter is like that, so we will never arrange to meet her at a restaurant again. A former friend once made us twenty minutes late for an Elton John concert, and so whatever plans I made with her in the future would never include another concert. If she won't change, you will have to. If she gets annoyed over your boundaries, oh well. She has annoyed you with her lack of manners and respecting your time and favor, so you're even.

I've never labeled anyone my best friend, as I know it's normal for friendships to evolve throughout the years, and especially a lifetime. A great metaphor for that is "Never keep all your eggs in one basket." It's okay to feel disappointed about a friend not putting in as much effort as before. How I operate is that I let actions, or lack of them, speak for themselves and I don't go into discussions, calling out a person. I would only have a discussion if said friend asked about a change in my behavior or if they've upset me in some way. And then I'd be honest. If I don't feel like I'm a priority, then I'm not. If a person wants to be in my life, they will make an effort. If they don't, I let them fade away, and I have done that when friends have distanced themselves. I always leave the door open and don't hold grudges. It's best to have the mindset that there is no rule saying a person is bound to you for life because they are presently your friend. Sometimes friendships work for a time, and then they no longer serve the purpose they once served, and that's okay. I don't know if you're male or female. If female, it might be that since he now has a gf, even if you set them up and your friendship is platonic, that he feels it's no longer in the best interest of his primary relationship to have a female as a best friend. It could be that he only finds local friendships valuable, and doesn't want further invest in someone who is moving away. Who knows? Maybe he prefers to spend leisure time in new ways--new gf, new life, new activities, new friendship groups. It doesn't matter in the end. Start being excited about your move, and looking into social groups you can join once there. My advice about him is to keep the door open, and just give equal effort to his, whether it be none, minimal, or builds to a satisfying level once more.

In reading what you've written, it sounds like he always puts himself before you. And the iPad is his priority, instead of a healthy balance where you are a bigger priority and his iPad playing a more minor role. Is that who you really want for a lifetime partner? If it were me, I'd call it quits since communication already failed, but if you want to give it one last go, have one more conversation and be concrete about what you want, such as: I love you and want this relationship to work. There are changes I'd like for me to be happy. Each night, I want iPad free time between this time to this time. I love it when we can talk without distractions, so during this time we can listen to music and give each other foot/back rubs, or cook a new recipe together, or pick out a movie we'd both like and cuddle on the couch, or have another couple over for dinner, or take a trip to the couples store to pick out new stuff for the bedroom. And instead of watching the iPad in bed, I'd like you to try using a blue tooth with your cell phone and listen to a podcast or music or an audio book so I can fall asleep more easily. I'd also like you to not bring the iPad to dinner, because I like to speak with you without distractions. I'd also like to know what you want for our relationship that will make you happier. (To me, those are reasonable requests. If he can't comply or compromise, it means he could care less about your wishes, so why stay? Loving him and having invested 2 years is not a reason to live a lifetime of being lonely and having a partner who doesn't care that you're bothered by his activities.) Good luck and let us know how it goes.