Andrina

This is the most concerning thing that pops out to me. The Valentine's thing is likely just the straw that has broken the camel' back. What is this about? Does he have a particularly demanding family? What is it that he's doing for them that is stressful? Is his job more demanding than most? If you're always together, does that mean you don't spend time separately with friends and hobbies? When he speaks of you not getting mad, is it because you're acting like a doormat and normally stuff your feelings? What are examples of the loving things he does and how often does it happen? I'm trying to see the bigger picture, to be able to give better advice.

I see they were smart enough to run from the toxic fumes. It's wiser to have a "what you see is what you get" mentality, versus being unrealistic and hoping for major change in order to be happy. Better to choose someone you don't want to change in a major way. They have a right to be who they are, and you have a right to say, "This isn't working for me." Many metaphors are accurate, but "Love conquers all" is one that is absolutely inaccurate.

Let me guess that she is the one who pushed for living together during your first year of dating. You were so enamored that you went for all of that togetherness. Most people in the first year average 2 to 3 dates per week. What you've done is out of the norm, so no surprise it's not working out. Her mother has played psychological games and did a real number on her family. She set up a dynamic where the baby birds will never leave the nest. When they get out of line, they get a tongue lashing, just as they give you when you get out of line. To keep the peace, they give in and are rewarded with praise. Why do they praise you about other things besides your family? They are afraid you will take away their child, and so they must welcome you into their fold. Why do they badmouth your relatives? Because abusive, controlling people attempt to isolate. They want you to build a wall against your own family. Not to this extent, but close, when I was a teen I dated my first love for 2 years. Even at that tender age, I was wise enough to dump him because I could see his mother's manipulation, and that her opinion, wants and needs, that exceeded the normal motherly role, would always be obeyed. He was a mama's boy, just like your gf is a mama's girl. DEALBREAKER If you want to, you can let her know how you will operate your life and business in a way that's comfortable for you, and includes her. If she doesn't like the set-up of what you've proposed, then IMO, it's time to breakup. That's why you date. To see if someone is a good fit or not. When you are upset a higher percentage of the time more than being satisfied, it's a clear sign it's the wrong partner. Good luck and keep us updated.

Did she break up with you because she felt smothered by you? In reading about how you behave with her when you're not even a couple, I'm guessing this is the case. What do you do as far as having a fulfilling life besides when you are dating or have a girlfriend? What's been your longest relationship? How old are you? You're having trouble reading social cues. You lob the ball over the net and wait for it to come back. If it doesn't, move on to someone who will share an equal effort. If there is a delay, it means something came up and maybe they will have time to respond later, without any more nudging by you. You don't keep poking someone to give you what they don't want to give. That becomes annoying, and people run far from irritants. If you're experiencing a pattern in failed dating experiences, look within on what you should change for better outcomes. P.S. No new woman will date you if you're paying attention to an ex. Staying friends is not in your best interest.

You might have perceived her as a good person, but if she was, she wouldn't leave you dangling like this. She was more about saving herself from a moment of awkwardness with the truth, versus the easy way out of fading away while hopefully avoiding less drama. Just block her number so that you're not brought back to square one in the healing process when she's having a dry spell and wants an ego boost from someone who once had a crush on her. If someone needs space from you, she's not the right person for you. The right person will be evolving with you into a deeper relationship--building a beautiful life together.

Believe me, I've often been disappointed by those I thought once cared, but later actions showed otherwise. Perhaps to satisfy the social animal part of you, plan activities where you can have discussions or interact with a group without the goal of forming a friendship. If you happen to have a great vibe with someone great. If not, just the temporary interaction will be satisfying in itself. I am in a book critique group, where we critique each other's novels. I really have no desire to hang out with these women outside of those meetings, but I thoroughly enjoy our discussions about our shared hobby, and it meets one of my social needs. You could join a book discussion group. Join any number of Meetup.com groups where people meet for kayaking, hiking, bicycling, etc. Take a dance class with a group dance to follow. Take an oil or watercolor painting class. I've done all of those things and didn't make any friends, and that really wasn't my goal, anyway. But it filled my time with fun things and the temporary interactions with others were always pleasant. Good luck.

What are your lives like outside of interacting with one another. You both work? Do you each have a support system with family and friends? Do you have any hobbies you do separately besides gaming? Have you ever asked what improvements she'd like in your relationship? Sounds like you used to be intimate more often, but that her libido was much lower than yours from the get-go. Is this correct? In your shoes, I'd say: I'm not willing to live life like this for the rest of my life. For now, if you're not willing to attend marital counseling with me, I want for us to read some couples' communication books together, and see if we can start there. There are plenty in the library or bookstore. If she agrees, take turns reading aloud a chapter per day, and then practice the skills given. You can also ask, without sex as a goal, to give each other foot rubs or back rubs just to reestablish some physical connection. What do you mean she doesn't like to be seen because of body image issues? Does she go to the grocery store? Do you have children? If so, how do they get to school? Just trying to picture what your daily life is like. Sometimes doing volunteer work with those less fortunate will make a person realize how silly they've been making their own mole hills into mountains, and the volunteer work will make them forget about their own problems. Helping others also can't help but make one happier. If your suggestions fall on flat ears, I, myself, don't believe in sacrificing your own happiness because of a partner who could care less that her partner isn't happy. What you're asking for is reasonable, and it's on her to communicate what she wants improve and to tell you what she wants or doesn't want from you. If she refuses to help herself resolve her mental issues, then there is nothing more you can do. I know I felt good that I pulled out all the stops with my ex-husband as far as those communication books and marital counseling. In the end, it didn't work because he wasn't willing to use those skills to improve, and he stopped taking his antidepressants and stopped going to the psychiatrist. I could then leave the marriage guilt-free, knowing I'd fully tried. This allowed me to be free to date again, and I eventually found a happier life with present husband. Loving someone is irrelevant if you can't be happy in that partnership. If she refuses to evolve with you, you either stay and continue to be miserable, or free yourself so you can search for a compatible partner after a good year solo to mourn and heal. Good luck and keep us updated.

You likely look at photos of this ex, ask your friends about her or let them give you updates about her, and either haven't stopped communicating with her or are reading old texts from her. If so, you'll have to cut all of that out. Your ethics about monogamy don't match, so that's a major dealbreaker. You can get over someone when they are out of sight and out of mind when you don't feed your mind with those fantasies about her. You do have the ability to redirect your thoughts. I agree with the other posters that your present gf isn't right for you. Though it's nice to have a companion in life, it sounds like you might be one of those people who have a hard time being alone when need be. And as said, it would be beneficial for you to go solo for a while and find fulfillment within yourself before sharing that happiness with another. One woman didn't share your ethics. The other woman bails with breaks where she should be seeking your support whenever tough times arise. That's a red flag about how she deals with problems. Hopefully, you'll hold out for a more ideal partner in the future.

Asking her out again, especially so soon, shows her you are indeed interested. To continue showing her you're not just in it for sex, make sure it's a date outside of your home. That you want to get to know her BESIDES the ultimate fun goal of eventually having sex. Of course, if she then wants to go to your place or hers afterward, you can follow her lead. Don't make the mistake of spending extremely long times together during dates, such as full weekends, this early on. Sometimes, people get so high on each other at the beginning that they can't stand being apart. Even if both are into that, it's usually a mistake--like a star that burns too bright too fast and quickly fizzles out. After the next date, let her make some initial efforts as well with communication and asking you out as well. It's a good way to gauge her true interest, which is just as important, instead of you being the sole driver of this dating train. Enjoy!

Is it really a big deal for one of you to vacate your home for 6 months to live with the other? The vacant house can be checked on regularly. From your previous posts, I'm assuming you would be doing this test run in his house. Yes, this could show you a lot, either for the good or bad. If I were him, knowing this was a temporary time where you still have your own mortgage to pay, I'd expect you to contribute to groceries, and half the water bill perhaps, but not expect rent during this brief period. If that goes well, do you agree on what sort of home you will be buying? Do you both want to downsize or not? I don't know if you're retired or not, but many people want their mortgage paid off at retirement because at that point you won't be bringing in the money you did when working. I believe it's a seller's market right now, so just some things to think about. Make sure what you end up doing makes financial sense.

As Gwyneth Paltrow said: The best way to mend a broken heart is time and girlfriends. I always found a great movie that deals with women's struggles with men combined with humor is a good way to temporarily indulge in my pity plus laugh a little. A great movie for that is Bridget Jones' Diary. He had lots of red flags flying, so perhaps with time and distance away from him, you will see things through a more realistic lens that you can learn from going forward. He's a jerk and there's nothing you can do about that. But realize what you overlooked for too long so you don't make the same mistakes in the future. Take care.

Your guardian angels are shaking their heads at you. They threw not one but numerous secrets in your face and you're perplexed about your next move? If you don't take the time to boost your self-worth, you will continue to attract and accept toxic people.

If he wakes up for work at 8, does that mean he works like 9 to 5 p.m. and gets home at 6? And then goes to bed at 7? And then you probably go to bed at 9 or 10. So when do you two spend quality time together?

Hurt after 2 dates? Disappointment I can understand, but hurt is a bit much, showing you need to guard your heart a little more until a stranger reveals more of himself. Time will reveal all you need to know. Will it be devastating if you go on 2 or 3 more dates and then find out he is indeed a jerk? It's a brief period of time in the scope of things. Just as long as you don't sleep together until you're confident he's long-term material, as I'm assuming that's your goal. Everybody has to go through this vetting process. Parts of it aren't very fun. No way around it though, so learn to be more resilient and realistic. The end goal is worth it.

What about this do you enjoy, then? And self-medicating with alcohol is a huge red flag. Why are you sacrificing what you ideally would want for someone you've known for 90 days?

In my experience, it means he likes the ego boost that you have a crush on him, but just isn't that into you enough to ask you out. When he's in the mood for an ego boost, he plays nice. When he's not feeling it, he goes cold. Don't let him bat you around like he's a cat and your his toy. He's not your bf and you're not accountable to him for timely communication, or to communicate at all, other than work. I'd tell him you'd rather not continue texting each other, and to go back to just being co-workers who are pleasant to each other. Yeah, that's awkward, but how he's emotionally affecting you isn't right. You'll also be able to emotionally move on from your crush more easily to be able to bond with a guy who actually wants to date you.

Can you ask your friends to be blunt and ask them what they're observing? Tell them you want them to be frank, as in constructive criticism, so that you can work on these things if you're doing things you don't even realize. I know people can misinterpret things very easily when it comes to others, and especially shy people. I know firsthand because I'm shy myself. When I was a teen in a girls organization, a girl I eventually became friends with told me at first she assumed I was a snob. I'm actually a very earthy person and don't consider myself a snob, but my reserved nature made her think that. In one high school psychology class, we had an exercise where I found out other students considered me to be calm, whereas my brain was on edge and full of anxiety. When you say "open up," can you explain what you talk about? Do you mean emotional and serious topics, or just fun topics like what pets you have and what your hobbies are?

Ninety days in, so you don't love him. At this point, it's infatuation. Why subject yourself to this irritation, being ignored, and not enjoying a partner who matches the amount of communication and get-togethers you desire? Because of hormones released in a woman when she has sex, it makes her want to bond to a man, even if he's totally wrong for her. This is likely the case with you. He's not the only candidate for dating in your area. In your shoes, and I've actually been in them with past dating partners who failed my expectations in one way or another, I'd free myself to find someone who matches me in every major way. You'll know this when you're satisfied more than being upset. When you don't feel like a priority, you're not. And no, I wouldn't speak to him about this. You're seeing the real person emerge after the honeymoon period, and he's no prize partner. Good luck. You deserve better. I know I held out, with many mistakes in between, and was finally rewarded.

Well, there's the secret then. It's a new year, and this can be a resolution you can vow to stick to. Take small steps now, which will lead to bigger ones, and get you where you need to be. I know I've ticked off some things on my new year resolutions, updating my beneficiary forms and filling out a booklet for my husband with all my pertinent info in the case I happen to die before him. I feel a bit lighter, knowing I accomplished that. I guarantee you'll feel a little lighter with each of your own accomplishments. Something to look forward to.

And how did those past relationships go? They obviously didn't last, right? Why would you interrupt someone out enjoying time with his friends? His attention should be on them, not his phone. And don't you want to enjoy your own uninterrupted time with friends without ignoring them and paying attention to whoever is typing to you on your phone? If a guy expects you to check in with him as if he's your parole officer, you're in a toxic relationship. There is a healthy balance in healthy relationships that include time together, time apart, and time alone. Have a wait and see attitude and see if you two get along more often than not, and share the same dating style and relationship goals if it comes to being exclusive.

I reported the toxic poster's cruel comments. I'm very sorry for all your suffering. Has your therapy included particular skills to get past the anger and mourning stages? If so, what are they, and you have been practicing them? If not, ask about this in therapy and if they can't provide this, perhaps find a new therapist more skilled in that area. I know that certain things can keep a person from the past very present in your daily life, such as looking at their photos, reading their past communication such as texts, notes, e-mails, listening to voice messages. There is a point at the time of the ending of things where you do need to vent and feel anger and sadness, but then it's healthier to either get rid of photos and communication, or put them away out of sight and out of mind for many, many years so that the healing stage can begin. If you're bringing her up i conversation regularly with friends, that also needs to fade away. Whenever the thought of her comes to mind, redirect your mind to think of something else. Perhaps make a bucket-list of things you want to experience in life, and pick one to start making plans to complete. You might want to also read a book on how to forgive for your own good. The injustice done to you should not be the source of eating away your soul. And to also forgive yourself. You were both humans who made mistakes. She can no longer learn from hers, but you can. There is always room to grow and evolve. It's okay to not want to date again right now. You shouldn't. But don't put a self-fulfilling prophecy into your brain that you will never find true love again. It's very possible you will, and it's better to keep an open mind. The unknown has wonderful potential. Take care.

He's created and allowed this toxicity that makes you feel like crap. Uses his words like an arrow to pierce your heart. In the right relationship, a partner wants you to have the happiest life possible, and arguments won't be as regular as it seems is happening in your relationship. Get away from the drama. Life is stressful enough without having a partner add to it instead of easing your troubles. No matter how cute he is, the bad outweighs the good.

The right partner makes your world bigger instead of shrinking it down with egregious sacrifices. As you can see, having a White Knight syndrome doesn't have the fairytale ending you wished for. Really, it's insulting to assume she will crumble without you in her life, and as for her, she's manipulative, putting that worm in your ear that you two must remain friends. She could care less what that will do to your psyche. She's always been about what's best for herself, and you're too caught up in her current to even see this. When you get time and distance away, you will see things more objectively. Don't even wait for her to make a final decision, because she is totally not good for you. You need to end things and go no contact to begin the mourning and then healing process. Painful for both of you? Of course, but who lives an entire life without painful experiences? Nobody is exempt. And then go solo a minimum of a year and build a fulfilling life without a partner. Read books about what a good relationship looks like, so you don't repeat a toxic pattern. Reconnect with friends. You should always keep friends in your life so you don't make your partner the sole center of your universe--so unhealthy. Mistakes are okay as long as you learn from them. Good luck for a new, healthier 2023.

Speaking as a woman, I'm smart enough to not let golden opportunities pass. I'd never give this vague, non-answer to someone I was truly interested in. She's also rude. She could've been mature and been honest that she wasn't interested. Hold out for the one who can't wait to say yes.

Those are some things you'll have to work on for your own good because you can train your brain to think in alternate ways. Let's say your fear actually did come true. If he's bored of you and breaks up with you, well then that'd be for your own good because it would free you to find your forever person. It's always good to have a mindset of only having control of yourself, being the best partner you can be, and if that's not good enough for a guy, well good riddens. I highly doubt your fear will come to pass. I know I've enjoyed my travels, but am always happy to go to my home, sweet home. You've been joined at the hip with your bf from a very young age. How about using this time to find fulfillment in your own company? What if you took up a new hobby you can be passionate about? It'd be certainly fun to share your excitement about it with your bf while he's away. Please stay positive about his opportunity when speaking to him before he leaves and while he's away. I have two different experiences, one good, and one bad, so I know how it felt to be the one going away. As a teen, I went to France for a month with a school group. My boyfriend tried every way possible to stop me from going, saying he dreamed my plane crashed, said he thought I'd cheat on him with a handsome Frenchman, and then he had anger at me, a few tantrums when I returned. He didn't totally ruin my experience there, but it certainly would've been more pleasant without the stress he piled on me. (I should've broken up with him right there and then, but eventually did). Versus how my husband behaves. Whenever I'd had work trips or when I've taken a trip with a girlfriend, he has detailed my car when I'm gone, and makes the house spotless for my arrival home. And the daily phone calls are about pleasant chats and how we miss each other. For your own good, try to practice self-talk where you will tell yourself that you are strong and will survive anything. Be resilient, knowing you can be upset over life's bumps, but that you will get back on your feet and move on. Perhaps that will serve to lessen unrealistic fears.