Andrina

If you don't learn from your mistakes, you're bound to repeat them. Why is a grown man broke and struggling? He's childish and makes bad decisions.

The best way to feel better is to help those less fortunate. I read a story of a woman with terminal cancer. To get herself out of wallowing on her fate, she'd regularly buy a bunch of flowers and hand them out to people on a busy street. Seeing them smile and having them thank her made her happy. So try volunteer work. And also, having a goal of forming instant friendships is unrealistic, so it's a better mindset to just think about getting yourself out into the world to enjoy life. Think of social interaction, even if it doesn't lead to forming fast friends, as enjoyable. Such as just being around people to do fun things: dance lessons, cooking classes, book discussion groups, environmental cleanups, painting classes. Because sometimes friendships takes years to form. Of course, sometimes people just click and a friendship forms faster, which would be a pleasant surprise. And then when you're out enjoying life, you're more likely to attract a love interest. Of course a bad past affects you, but it doesn't define you. There are those who let those ugly pasts hang around their necks like a scratchy dried up husk. Therapy can be great in helping you to remove useless cargo, but there are also books you can read on this subject. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Yes, he sounds unhinged. I wouldn't allow him into your place ever again.

When you're dating the right person, he will make an equal effort. What should you have done? After asking him to do something, you should have sat back and waited for him to ask you out. If he didn't, then he could fade away. If he waited 3 weeks and then called, you should have told him the relationship wasn't working for you. A woman with a healthy self-worth would have dumped him after the first showing of his abuse. That's on you, for letting him continue to be a part of your life, when he most definitely should've been kicked to the curb. Read some books on the practice of self-love and apply the homework. I believe your outlook will improve, you will no longer put up with BS, and that you will have greater success in your interactions with people. Good luck.

That was a crappy thing to do, texting you to breakup instead of doing so in person. Apparently who you thought she was, was a fantasy built up in your head. Even people I've known a lifetime surprise me with things they do or say. Give it up trying to figure out why she did what she did, and how she feels. It's not for you to know. From what you've written, it's been her pattern to be a nomad, so that's the way she's comfortable running her life for now. What kind of life do you have besides your dating life? Do you have fulfilling friendships? Fun hobbies/interests you regularly engage in? With only 4 months of a romance, it was really infatuation, though you will argue the point. Perhaps you thrived on the drama of life and death situations in such a short time, but that's not conducive to a healthy relationship. Having had a first marriage with a partner suffering from depression, most of it untreated, I strongly recommend avoiding dating anyone with untreated depression. Your White Knight syndrome only hurts yourself, and will never save the princess stuck in her tower of depression. It's now time to delete photos and texts, block her, don't check on her social media, etc. In likely about 4 to 6 months time, you should no longer think of her on a daily basis. And don't even think about going back to being friends if she reaches out. Your future gf won't appreciate you staying in touch with an ex you wanted to build a future with. For now, treat yourself well, doing fun things solo or with friends and family. Time and distance will be healing. Take care.

In my opinion, if you ask for something reasonable, a person who cares will want to please you. A person who's shy will usually be much more open with their significant other. Do you feel really comfortable with her, or does she seem like a hard nut to crack? Is it her way or no way at all, or does she ever come to a consensus about other things with you? I don't know how the word "love" would seem kiddish, as in calling someone "love." You might ask her if she's willing to try that term of endearment out for your happiness. In which ways does she show you you're special (beside intimacy)?

You're only there temporarily. Do you expect a woman to want to enter a high risk LDR, and if it actually worked out, she'd have to uproot from her successful career and leave her family and friends? Sounds to me like you're a passing dalliance to her. Why should she put in effort for something casual?

This is the most concerning part of what you've written. IMO, he's a very uncaring individual. If that's a show of how he operates, maybe you've lost interest in sex because he's mentally abusive toward you, or possesses other bad traits you're not revealing, and maybe ones you think are normal in a relationship, but they're not. For your own knowledge, and not necessarily to save this relationship, which might not be worth saving, you might want to get your hormones checked. It'd be good to know if this is what your normal libido is, or if your libido is affected by what's going on with your hormones. As said, also consider how your bf treats you. What are his good traits? What are his bad traits? Sounds like you've been together since your late teens. It would be scary for you to no longer have him in your life, but aren't you worthy of someone who doesn't threaten, and works with you in a more caring way to solve problems? Just because you love a man, doesn't mean he should continue being your partner. What are your standards for a lifetime partner? Have you thought of what a man in that coveted role in your life should have and which dealbreakers he should lack?

In my experience, guys like this like the ego boost of a woman having a crush on them, and might act like they're interested, but just aren't into you enough to ask you out. For myself, I know if I had interest in someone who I had to turn down because of alternate plans, I'd definitely counter-offer with another day as a possibility. He's not shy and asking you questions, but an entire month has passed by with nothing more than chatting happening. In your shoes, I'd not ask him again and start directing emotional energy on someone who shares an equal interest. If you want to direct the conversation toward a last ditch effort for him to suggest something, then ask him if he's doing anything fun on the upcoming weekend. Or, you can tell him you're going to try some new coffee shop or smoothie place, and ask him if he'd like to join you. Just know if he says no or comes up with another excuse, if it's the case where you regularly have to see him at college or work or wherever it is you come in contact with him, it might be awkward for a while. If the answer is no, or you don't want to double-ask for coffee, it's best to mentally move on. Don't let him play around with you by throwing you bread crumbs just because he likes a fan. If that's the case, lose each others numbers.

When you're willing to let someone go even once, it means you're just not that into him. People who care work on their problems while together. They don't bail. If he knew how you're feeling, do you really think he'd want to stay with you? I know if a partner felt about me the way you're feeling, I'd want him to let me go for a final time. Maybe go solo for some time to find fulfillment in yourself without having a companion for the moment. When I was young, I wished I'd done that and not always felt the need to be coupled up at every moment.

Even when I was a teenager, I felt like when the guys were bold as he is, such as winking and saying flirty things (like he does, as the comment about if he's your favorite), when we weren't even dating, it turned me off. In my mind, it meant he had a lot of practice. I tended toward more earthy guys. If he's attractive and athletic, has a fun job, obviously has self-confidence, what would be the reason he's single, if he is? I agree with what was already said about the fact he's not shy, so he could easily ask you out if he wished. He knows you have a crush on him, so it likely feels good to interact with someone who admires him. Everybody loves a fan!

It really is the same for any ongoing issue a couple never resolves. When a relationship is more upsetting than satisfying, it's the wrong relationship for you. And it's ridiculous to go to couples counseling 6 months in. The whole purpose of dating is to vette a partner. Doesn't the idea to seek counseling during the infatuation stage tell you something important? Your dating pool will be smaller since you say you are friends with many exes, and there are a percentage of women not comfortable with that. But it's your choice how to navigate your life, so make sure you keep cutting off women early who try to punish you for how you choose to run your social life.

I wouldn't go the route of looking to date women from other countries. It's an enormous amount of work documenting that the relationship is real, extremely expensive, and you have to file an affidavit of support that you will be financially responsible for your spouse for 10 years, even if a divorce happens if she's allowed to stay in the country with a green card. I'm glad you like the advice to get out into the world to find women with healthy hobbies. There are Meetup.com groups that have activities for singles in certain age groups. Many hike, kayak, attend local festivals, etc. I'm sure Seattle must have plenty, since it's a large city. Good luck.

Couples who are invested in one another long-term come to a consensus on major decisions. He has not asked your opinion on HIS decision. He is not leaving for a career or educational reason, which would pay off for the BOTH of you, along with discussing a plan for the LDR with input given by each in the partnership. That's the only reasonable reason this long of a separation should be happening. His reason is to enjoy being a nomad and the sense of freedom that is the opposite of "settling down." I'm sure he cares about you, but not to the extent of what you, or any average person in a longterm relationship, normally desires. Your love for him has likely been the driving force and glue that has held you two together for so long. You've perceived his love has equalled your own, but by what you've written, it's unfortunately clear he's willing to lose you because of this decision. Though you can't imagine a life without him, it's actually best since you deserve someone who cares for you as much as you do him. Of course breakups are upsetting. There is no way around that. But he's not upset about what he's doing to you, so feel right about breaking up--that it's the right decision. I have a feeling you will sacrifice your own happiness, naively expecting he will return to you after a year. I believe it's a mistake. If you do decide to do a LDR, why not sit back and see how much effort he makes without you being the sole initiator of contact? Perhaps the effort he makes, or lack of it, will give some insight you may or may not want to realize. Take care and let us know how it goes.

Male/female friendships with this dynamic usually always have an expiration date. This is a watershed moment you should allow to happen. This long friendship crush is preventing you from bonding with a love interest who would want to date you. Many people are intuitive and would sense you like this woman more than a friend, including both a love interest of hers, and a love interest of yours. That sort of situation will go to an "Either it's me or your 'friend.' Make up your mind and if it's your friend, I'm walking." And one last thing. People who truly care and want you in their life, whether it be in friendship or a love relationship, will communicate to make things right with you if they have an issue. When they don't care, they simply bail. Sometimes, for certain situations when something bad happens, you don't always realize it was for the best at the time. But in hindsight, you will see that when one door closes, another opens. I think that will definitely be the case for you. Take care.

Once the line of friendship crosses into a romance, it's really not in your best interest to remain friends. A future love interest in your life would most likely not be comfortable with that. You took a risk in your life and it didn't pan out. Happens to most of us. Feel lucky you have the block function on your phone. Something like 15 years ago, I dated a toxic person for a year who broke up with me. My self esteem had been poor and I didn't want that breakup. Once I got time and distance away from him, I realized the breakup was a blessing. The block function didn't exist on my phone at that time, and four months after the breakup he texted me. I can say it through me for a loop, and really played a number on my emotions. I pissed him off by no longer being under his spell, however, and his parting words were venomous, validating my now clear view of him as a toxic person. It's good you will no longer allow him access to hurt you. Stay strong and keep him blocked.

You're trying to find the heady distraction of romance to avoid all the other issues that are not so fun to deal with right now. You won't like my advice, but I'll give it anyway. You should remove yourself from the dating apps for now. When you're carrying around heavy emotional baggage, as said in this excerpt, you're in no way ready to be a good partner to anyone, and in that state, toxic men will be the only ones interested in you. For the future, you can attempt to choose a man wisely, but there are no guarantees you won't get a broken heart. Instead of the unrealistic goal of avoiding that, it's healthier to have a mindset that whatever happens to you in life, you're resilient and will get through it because of your own strength and the support of buddies. Until you achieve that mindset, for your own good, be alone. You'll thank yourself later that you did.

So don't be left hanging. Cut yourself loose. It's like you haven't learned anything if after all this, you would be reeled in again if he began to warm up after his cold spell. He doesn't even deserve a goodbye. Block his number. You've written walls of text about this guy, and he can't even bother to text unless nudged by you. And regarding your last line in this excerpt--it doesn't matter what his deal is, and he's not worth one more second in your head. As fun as sex is, unfortunately for women, particular hormones are released during the act to make her want to bond to a man, even if he's a piece of crap. My advice is for future dating, stick to local guys and don't be intimate until you know what you need to know about a guy over a longer period of time, and to date at a normal pace. Not slow, not fast--a plain, normal, keeping your feet on the ground and head out of the clouds pace. You're a human being who makes mistakes, just like we all do, so don't beat yourself up about a newbie snafu, as long as you learn from it. I made numerous mistakes of my own when in the dating world. Take some time to learn about yourself solo. You've been part of a couple for so long. Maybe with pampering yourself, finding out how to live happily for now as a single person, will serve you well when you are ready to venture into the dating world again. There is a big difference between seeking a person to make you happy, versus a healthier situation where you're already happy and seeking a companion to share your joy. Take care.

Go no contact, and you will eventually move on. Given time and distance away from him, you will realize he did you a favor by breaking up. Use the time to boost your self-esteem, because if you don't, you will continue to attract, and be attracted to, men who aren't worthy of you. If you don't have a support system of friends, try some new hobbies to find others to share fun times with. This relationship will have taught you some lessons about what you deserve and who you should avoid in the future. You're likely too close to the situation to see the big picture right now, but with time, I hope you'll begin to see the light. Take care.

Like others have said, does it make sense that a good-looking guy with a decent job seeks out women living very far away? Why choose the most difficult type of dating there is? If it doesn't make sense, then he has things to hide. Sounds like he chooses this way of dating so that he gets a new woman each month to make the effort of going to his place for marathon love-making. And then he doesn't have to put in the effort a more serious relationship requires because that's too much work for him. Paying the appropriate amount of attention to you after he met his immediate goal would serve the opposite of his future goals. I agree with every word Sindy wrote. I did OLD for several years after my divorce, and this rule served me well. Local dating is the way to go for so many reasons, including dating at a normal pace--crucial for success. Even with local dating, you have to be careful about overdoing it. Even if the chemistry is strong and you're enjoying each other's company. Stick to no more than a few hours for a first meet, and not much more on the next few dates. So why aren't you sitting back to let him initiate, and if he doesn't, you'd get an even clearer answer of whether or not he makes enough effort to satisfy you? And then you were going to visit him again, instead of seeing if he missed you and would come your way this time? Don't be the only one driving the train, because if you are, you have to admit he's just not that into you. He's giving you bread crumbs. All those signs you saw before and during that extended first meet are really meaningless, although you believe they hold enormous value. Sorry, but you don't see the real person emerge until the honeymoon stage is over, and his honeymoon stage was extremely brief. You've been out of the dating scene a very long time, and you've never even done dating in adulthood. Your naivety, unfortunately, will have you hurting a lot until you start dating more wisely. I suggest, for now, to get off OLD and try Meetup.com groups instead and see if you have any luck in that venue of meeting single men in your age group. It's a lot less stressful than OLD. Good luck.

He's always full of excuses and reasons why he does what he does. Really, in the therapy he's receiving, it is best that he do all that without the stress of a relationship. Because besides the positive aspects of relationships, they also do involve much stress. He needs to concentrate on his therapy. He already feels like you're keeping a watchful eye on him, and believe me, he's going to come to resent you--that he has to be a good boy or be punished by a mother figure. You're young and are still learning about relationships. There is a big difference of controlling behavior versus expecting accountability. He doesn't want to reasonably be accountable to anyone, and people in healthy relationships are accountable to one another. And no, you can't dictate if a person uses drugs or not. But you can decide that's a dealbreaker for you, as there are so many cons to having a partner who uses. It's expensive, and that money could have been used for better things. It's illegal, and you could either have a bf in jail, or you could join him there if circumstances went awry. And he would fail to get better jobs since many jobs require random drug tests. Plus if you had children, they could accidentally ingest it. I think if you get time and distance away from him, you will see you can do far better. Take care.

Doesn't really make sense that she was fear-free your first 5 months together, and now all of sudden she uses fear as an excuse. If the ex is this involved, he'd have known you two were dating. This is her way of exiting with less drama. Keeping you dangling from afar, figuring in 6 months you will have moved on, and/or your emotions will have cooled. It's wiser to have a "What you see is what you get" attitude. If she's mired in drama, assume she will always be. Some people find dysfunction normal and create it. A decent person doesn't attempt to put a person on ice like this. Go no contact so the spider doesn't catch you in her sticky web again. And I suggest not dating until you no longer love her--no longer think of her on a daily basis. It's not fair to another woman. Have fun hanging out with your guy friends for a while. Take care.

You're lacking in some self-worth, because many of your statements are totally about how he's feeling and that the decision is in his hands. How about that you feel ignored, confused, hurt that a man who is supposed to love you should want to hear your voice at least once a day, and this guy doesn't. That a man invested in you would miss you and make clear plans with you regularly. That a man who loves you should make sure he treats you right to keep you in his life. Doesn't the fact that this isn't happening show you he doesn't care enough? So why are you leaving the decision in his hands? You should be telling him, "This relationship isn't working for me. I've decided to move on." About the text regarding his grandchild? My guess is that his family is asking him, "What does your gf think of the new baby?" So he feels dumb or worse and gets an answer from you so he doesn't look like a @#&* to them. You mention "polite" texts? Wow, after 6 months, this, and so many any things you mentioned, is so far from where you should be after this amount of time together. He likely enjoyed the beginnings of intimacy with a new partner, but now where you should be entering a deeper level, he just doesn't have it in him. Sorry about this failed relationship, but believe me, when you meet someone worthy of you, you'll appreciate him that much more. I know that happened to me. Take care and let us know how it goes.

Any new love interest you have might make a quick exit when she finds out you're buddies with a lady you once dated. Also, expect the woman who doesn't have time for you now will have even less time when she gets a new boyfriend. Best to move on now without staying friends. Why take that risk and play around with your romantic future?

Like just about everything, there are both pros and cons about it. The majority of my relatives are scattered in other states and even other countries. On FB, I get to see more photos of them and keep updated on their lives than I would otherwise. I enjoyed seeing my brother's cute new dog. (My brother lives in another country.) I like seeing recent photos of my cousins and how they are enjoying life. I no longer work with certain former co-workers whom I miss, and we message each other on occasion on FB messenger. I also like seeing photos of people's vacations. Sometimes it sparks my interest in visiting the place myself. If not, I still like seeing different aspects of a location I can't find in a book or documentary, etc. I also like seeing shared recipes, craft projects, holiday greeting memes. Of course, there are also people who annoy with their posts. But that's what the unfollow or unfriend function is for.