Andrina

Just saying you'll change is something an ex might not have confidence in. To show your intent would involve letting him know at minimum which book you're reading on couples communication, and even better, how you're receiving counseling to learn better communication skills. Playing devil's advocate, maybe you speak too long and he felt a need to interrupt. You speak of his stubbornness of breaking up being final. In his view, it's likely more that he gave a lot of thought to breaking up, knowing that could mean forever, and he is okay with that. Because you have to realize that a person usually has unconditional love for one's child, but it's not so with a partner. Bitterness, over time, eats away at love like a cancer. If he decides not to reconcile, respect his wishes and leave him alone. You can still work on your communication skills, in the meantime, for better success with a future partner. Take care.

I'm guessing the biggest issue here is that you likely feel that what your bf reveals of himself is superficial. Of his 3 dimensions, he's only showing you one of them. I can see how that is less than satisfying for you. I think Billy Joel's lyrics for This is the Time fit's this scenario perfectly: You've given me the best of you But now I need the rest of you If you love him enough to want a future with him, I believe couple's therapy will be the only way to resolve this. Because how he's learned to behave seems to be really ingrained. Take care and let us know how it goes.

It's impossible to be someone's gf when there is no exclusivity. A person who cares won't want you to be a free agent. A person who wants to date with a goal of longterm if there is chemistry and compatibility, seen over a normal amount of time, will state that's his goal. He stated his goal was FWB and nothing more. It's a good learning lesson not to read between the lines, and take what a person says at face value. Hold out for someone who has the same dating goals. Obviously, it sounds like you're not cut out for FWBs. It's okay to learn these things about yourself so you can act in your own best interest in the future. I know I learned what worked and what didn't work for me while I was in the dating world. It's called the hard knocks of life, with good times in between.

I knew the first part was him. Doesn't the second part, though, fit you as well? It seems so, otherwise, you'd have exited this long ago.

The important thing you fail to realize, is that you will never have a successful relationship until you are first alone to work on your self-worth, and to build a fulfilling life for now without a partner. This would include finding your own company satisfying, such as trying a new recipe, reading an interesting book or listening to an audio book (I suggest starting with a book on improving your self-worth). Trying a new hobby. Asking girlfriends for get togethers, and if you don't have friends, join activities where you can meet people. Book discussion groups, women's hiking groups, environmental cleanups, etc. When you have achieved a fulfilling life solo, THEN you might be ready to date successfully, because you will wanting to share your happy life with a companion, versus a companion being the only reason you believe you're happy. For now, you're convinced he supplies you with some happiness, but you wouldn't be here on this forum if this were the type of happiness that is actually good for you. Ever hear of delayed gratification? It's the mature, adult way of putting in the effort needed to achieve your goal. Childish behavior is "Gimme! I want it now!!!" So you don't like being alone? Suck it up. You will survive. And you can move your emotional energy into doing the work on yourself. Predators can easily spot weak prey. You exude it with your demeanor and acceptance of bread crumbs. How can you stand being in that position? It doesn't have to be this way. Things have yet to work out in your favor. You've now received numerous advice, all pointing in the same direction. Perhaps you should change things up in your life and follow the majority of opinions. Don't you think that'd be a better plan than repeating the same failing pattern?

So aren't these two quotes very telling that what he finds the most satisfying is spending time with his friends and brother, since he does so about 4 nights per week, since you say he also hangs with them on the weekend? There are 7 days in a week, so that's the majority of the week. The norm is for couples to be with each other in after work hours the majority of the week, with no more than a day or two spent elsewhere. My husband and I spend time with other couples, and have also had group get togethers. Do none of his friends have girlfriends for double dating? Are there no group get-togethers with both men and women? So he feels isolated and bored with just you? You're sugarcoating it with the words "in the new city." He doesn't know how to enjoy your company, besides, I'm assuming, being intimate with you. So in your quote, you felt isolated and trapped while in his house, and now he feels isolated and bored outside of his house. If you two can't jibe on a location both will be happy with, one of you is slated for a lifetime of unhappiness if you stay together.

He was 25 when he bought the house with his brother--old enough to consider all the ramifications of that. A situation that is not conducive to dating with the goal of marriage and privacy with a significant other. Understand that people who possess what should be dealbreakers, also can have good traits. So his good trait is that he has temporarily moved in with you. But what would be a dealbreaker for me, and what I feel should be a dealbreaker for anyone, is that he allows his family to dictate major decisions in his life. When he says they will dictate the sort of wedding he has, do you not think they won't dictate where he lives (such as if you got an amazing job offer 1,000 miles away, and he wanted to move there with you), where you would spend holidays (especially if you wound up having kids together, and you wanted to go to your parents house, instead), and he would also likely not put up barriers to his family and they might pop in without notice to see the grandkids). You shouldn't be turning a blind eye to predicting a future with this man based on what you're seeing in the present. Another dealbreaker should be how he chooses to spend his leisure time. I would not be okay with a partner clubbing 3 nights per week. I'm totally okay with a partner having a healthy hobby he engages in a few times a week, and an occasional guys night out, but would never be ok with my guy going to a bar once a week, let alone 3 times a week. People who are satisfied in relationships have partners who have a healthy balance of time together and time apart. It's not too top-heavy away from a partner. If you refuse to break up, then this is what I suggest. When you're done with school, move back to where you're comfortable, which sounds like it's not too far from where he lives. It sounds like it's not too far a distance where he could drive to you for dates, so see what type of effort he makes to be in your life. He can work from anywhere, so if he won't eventually move to where you will be happy, why should you settle and live a life where you will always be a third wheel? The right partner normally expands your world, not minimize it. His outside activities aren't ones that include you. And neither does he put up boundaries when your quality time as a couple is interrupted by his brother. You've spent so many of your young years in this relationship, that even as you see these issues as problematic, you don't see them as egregious as a person who doesn't love him. After four years, many women would expect to be engaged by now. You have no idea if this is ever going to happen, and according to him, it could be another 4 or 5 years, so you think dating 9 or 10 years is an okay arrangement, and a risk worth taking? After this many years especially, if the only way you'll be happy is if there is major change, then you're in the wrong relationship. The trick to happiness is to date someone you don't want to change in a major way. Take care.

This is exactly what you need to say to her. If she was at all interested in more, this would be the point she would speak up, versus losing you. Although, after speaking 30 hours per week, I believe if that was her intent, she would've brought it up by now. If I were in your shoes, seeing how she is still in communication with her ex, that'd be a dealbreaker to me. You didn't say it was a dealbreaker, but you did mention your discomfort about it, so I'd suggest not getting into something where you see red flags. If you did take a risk of being with her, don't take this communication as a clear sign it would work this time. You won't see the reality until regularly being in each other's presence, dating, past the honeymoon period. That is, if things don't fall apart sooner. Take care and keep us updated.

If you care in the least bit about him, you will not agree to this plan of him leaving college for a year. It's a bad idea to halt his education like this. If you two can't be strong enough to manage a LDR, then it'd be better to go your separate ways now and then when you're both done with college, if you're both single, you can then make a plan to close the distance and try again. Assuming both of your brains haven't reached the full maturity of an adult brain, which is 25, you'd be wise to listen to older people who've had the life experience to know your plan is whacked. P.S. If you don't listen, be prepared that going from rarely seeing each other to living together 24/7, will blow up in your faces.

I guess you failed to listen to my or anyone else's advice, so why ask again? Cats bat around mice, let them run again, and then pounce because it's fun, and they don't care about the welfare of that mouse. You may as well go by one of those headbands with mouse ears to fully embrace your role, since you haven't disengaged yourself from his toxic game.

With no contact, a person usually no longer thinks of an ex daily after about 4 months. You keep allowing contact, so each time, that sets you back to square one. So step one is to block contact. Step two is to read up on how to gain self-worth. Otherwise, you will repeat the pattern of entering, and staying too long, in another toxic relationship.

Well, it's good you have empathy. It shows you have room to grow as a human being. With time, the pain for everyone will lessen.

Apparently, you two never had discussions about relationship rules, as far as opposite gender friendships go. That's too bad, as those sorts of things should be discussed when deciding to become exclusive, as it won't work when a couple has opposite view on that topic. It's not like she is some lifelong buddy from high school. In the span of time, he hasn't known her long, so it shouldn't be a big sacrifice to release her from his life when his friendship with her upsets you. If you didn't have children together, I'd say the best option would be to divorce. But since kids are involved, I'd make a last ditch attempt with marriage counseling. If he refuses, and he ignores the relationship rules you can bring up, of what you're comfortable with, then sadly, it won't be in your best interest to stay. Kids are a joy, but they also are a source of stress, and a couple has to have a strong foundation to be better able to handle the stress. Sorry you're learning some hard life lessons. Take care and keep us updated.

What is the ethical thing you should have done, as far as the feelings of your co-worker and to be faithful to your bf? You should have said, "Just so you know, I have a boyfriend." So when you don't act like a decent human being, yes, things will blow up in your face. And you have to respect other people's wishes. You and the co-worker have, or had, two different goals. When one person has a crush, friendship isn't possible, as the person with the crush is emotionally caught up on a dead-end, when they should be seeking something with a person available to date. You're the opposite of the person this co-worker thought you were. He had the wool pulled over his eyes, and now he's steering clear. Leave the poor guy alone. You've done enough damage. And if you can't be faithful to your bf by welcoming flirtatious behavior from other men, free him to be with someone who knows how to be a good partner. Take this as a learning experience. As long as you learn from mistakes, you can feel good about improvements, moving forward.

It's not clear if he actually moved out when you asked him to, or not. If he were the one to suggest breaking up, would it feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off your chest, or would you be upset? If you're just staying because your spine isn't strong enough to fend off his pleading, then you need to find the strength to tell him it's done, and then go no contact. Of course, if he still lives with you, you need to give him notice and time to find a new place. Take care.

From what I've read and observed, there are two types of people who cheat. The first type is a person whose ethics suck, and they lack the ability to truly love a partner the way they should. The second type is someone who has lost an emotional connection with their partner because of a lack of attention, or disrespect, or any other regular behavior that makes a relationship bitter. And then they find themselves responding to the attention of someone who treats them better, over time, such as a co-worker or someone they are in regular contact with. The best way to prevent a partner having an affair is to be the best partner you can be, to keep an emotional connection. If you're doing that and a partner still lacks relationship boundaries and has an emotional or physical affair, then I say good rides. Best to know that so you can exit and seek a partner who is faithful. What you're doing is self-sabotage. She looks in your eyes, sees fear there and hears it in your voice, and that's akin to her paying a price for a crime she didn't commit. Instead, you should've said with a smile on your face, "Congrats on your new position. I'm so proud of you. I'm taking you to dinner to celebrate." Aren't you aware that's what would keep a woman happy in a marriage? Build a strong foundation with those words and behavior versus taking a sledge hammer to the foundation with your unfounded worries. That will surely form cracks that will make your foundation crumble.

In telling you this, he doesn't really care that you may walk away, and actually is probably hoping you will because he's too cowardly to make a clean break from you himself. If he were serious about longterm with you, he would've had the maturity to put up boundaries and not be best buddies with female he has a crush on. He hasn't ended that friendship, nor distanced himself enough so that he thought of her as just another platonic friend, so he values her over you. It's not uncommon for young people to want to have a lot dating experiences before ultimately settling down. That's what's happening here. For your own good, I'd make a clean break and go no contact. A hard thing to do since you've been in daily contact for 3 years, but the faster you go cold turkey, the faster you will be able to heal and move on. Take care.

Secrets have a way of coming out, and I believe guardian angels make sure of that, so you can do what's best for yourself. I'm sorry you've been betrayed by a man who made vows to you. You will go through all the mourning all breakups involve, but with self-care, be able to heal and move on. It's never too late to begin a new chapter of your life. It's hard to presently think you will ever be happy again, but many people end up being surprised at how much better their lives are when they ditch a toxic past. It frees them to eventually live the life they deserve. After my first marriage ended, I wound up living the second half of my life much happier than when I was with the wrong partner. Take care.

None of those activities involve you, and they're not conducive to a good marriage when there isn't a healthy balance of time with you, time doing chores, and time being a dad. Wow, this keeps getting worse and worse. Oral is usually the best part of sex for a woman to receive, especially as a woman ages, when penetration isn't as pleasurable after menopause. Yes, again, this shows his childishness. You deserve a million times better. My first husband was childish as well. I'm 100 percent happier having chosen a far better 2nd husband when I was older and wiser. Sorry you're going through this mess. Take care.

Your child can still have positive, fatherly figures in his/her life, especially as you say you have a supportive family. Don't live in the same home as anyone toxic, which is what your bf is. Give your bf an option of finding a roommate, or working with him to be released from the lease. I once rented an extra house I had to a couple who decided to divorce. I told them they could be released from the lease as soon as I found new renters, which took only a few months. Depending where the home is, most rentals get snapped up quickly. It's worth a try. Take care.

That, especially, is dealbreaker activity in my book. He's someone who lacks decent relationship boundaries. And let me guess--he didn't block the past FWB. He likes the intrigue and excitement off all this attention. As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

Does she have specific chores she wants you to do or hasn't been specific? I think what you're doing sounds like a good contribution, and even going overboard with getting up in the middle of the night with the baby, since you have to work the next day. She at least could nap when the baby does. Do you think she might be lashing out because you two have lost an emotional connection because of a lack of quality alone time with each other? Do you think she might be suffering from postpartum depression? What issues did you have before your latest child was born, or were you both satisfied? A few things you could do to lessen your workload? As said, the kids, if old enough, could fold their own laundry, fill a dishwasher, set the table, possibly vacuum. I find the addition of a deep freezer is really helpful, and could cut down on your daily shopping trips. But I live in America where we have space, so if you're in Europe, I know limited space might not allow that. Instead of waking up every other night to care for the baby, I think it'd do her mind a lot more good for you to watch all the kids a few nights per week so she can get out and do a hobby or spend time with a girlfriend. If you are friends with another family with kids, perhaps you could trade babysitting hours once per month so you and your wife can just be a couple without kids in tow for a few hours. Or hire a babysitter once a month if you have no family around who can occasionally babysit. If you sit down with her to draw up on paper what you're both presently doing in two separate columns, along with the amount of time it takes to do them, (including your hours at work), perhaps she will see better in writing what is fair, or what would be unfair if more is added to your column. I wouldn't approach this as a belligerent "See?" I'd say: Let's write what each of us is doing and let me know any changes you want to happen, so we can see things more clearly. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

He is childish, and doesn't care that you're exhausted. A partner is supposed to ease your troubles, not create them. Has his lack of a work ethic and not holding a steady job (assuming from the little you wrote) been the reason you have to work more than 40 hours per week? IMO, I wouldn't even see a reason for discussions and counseling with a man who doesn't have the basic sensibility or capability of a mature, expected love. You can't get blood from a cold stone, as the saying goes. And your caregivers spend more time with your children than their own dad? How sad. He provides nothing accept demands, so wouldn't life be better without him?

Your relationship should be a soft pillow to land on after dealing with the stresses of a normal life. When instead you have a partner who pokes at you with harsh words, then yes, it's a toxic situation that shouldn't be tolerated. Please learn in the future to make a quicker exit if a partner behaves in a dealbreaker manner. Take this as life experience of what you DON'T want in a relationship. Take care.

You normally have to date a boatload of prospects to find one that meets ALL of your main needs. Not impossible, but often not easy. It's a lot of work. The trick is to cut the losers loose as soon as you see a dealbreaker, so you can be free to continue your search. If you're lugging emotional baggage into relationships, you shouldn't be dating until ridding yourself of it. People who possess a healthy self-worth and have a fulfilling life solo besides dating tend to have better luck in attracting the right partner.