Andrina

Even as your parents have made it clear they don't support your relationship with your bf, he should not be punishing you for wanting to retain a connection to them. I don't understand this statement. Can you expand on this? I don't know if this is your parents opinion about what his flaws are, or something else. What is his relationship history? Does he have a solid career? Is he financially stable? What are both his good traits and bad as far as being your romantic partner? What do your friends think of your man? There are books you can read about establishing boundaries with people. You can teach people how to treat you by learning the skills to do this. Not only do the boundaries need to be set up with your parents, but also with your bf. Without more info from you, we don't know enough to understand if your parents are totally unreasonable, or if they see huge red flags and are panicking.

Exactly. Realize that what you have has an expiration date. So you either let things fade away so you're not as hurt as if you invest a lengthy amount of time and then one of you pulls the plug. Because yes, it's not fair to a SO to maintain this intense communication and emotional involvement with someone you boinked in the past. And he might be the one pulling the plug first when he gets a SO. It's to be expected. Sometimes you have to let your brain override your heart on these matters. You two don't seem slated as each others forever person. It's a youthful dalliance only meant to be temporary, so keep it that way.

His behavior has likely killed the love you need to have for a lifetime partner. And no, you don't sacrifice your happiness because a partner looks as though he's on a better path. You have to have your own back, and do what's best for yourself. For now, make a list of everything you need to do to get this divorce rolling. I know it's natural to seek comfort like a band-aid from another caring man at this time, but it's not the right thing to do at this point. It's time to concentrate on yourself and especially on your son, getting him used to a new family dynamic, without your attention turned to another man. The time for that is much later, when you and your son are settled into your new lives. Believe me, you will be happy you waited to date again, when you won't be rebounding, and your son can handle it when you begin dating. If your husband reacts badly to divorce, explain to him how you two co-parenting in a respectful and kind manner, will be the best for your son, psychologically. If you live in America, many states require parents to attend one class where that subject is discussed, before a divorce is granted. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Since you crossed the line into sexting, it's in the best interest for a future relationship with someone else, that you no longer communicate with the Reddit guy. I know if I started dating a guy who communicated with a woman he once sexted, even if he said they were just online friends and would never be anything more, I'd no longer date him. You're sabotaging yourself because of a mere stranger if you stay in contact. The fact you became so invested in him so quickly means you're not properly engaging with local people enough for both friendship and romance. Get out into the real world. And beside OLD like Hinge, try Meetup.com groups. I also suggest reading books about the best way to date in today's world.

Yeah, this is a person playing games for an ego boost, knowing what those things spur inside you. You've been so enamored, you fail to see she does crappy things to people without caring that those people will be hurt. Because if she's done this to you, she seems well practiced. You're a caring person, but perhaps too caring when you're naive to the fact she's not a good friend, so you shouldn't feel guilty walking away from this supposed friendship.

Would you treat someone like this, as in being rude with no reply? Leaving a person hanging? Just because she's pretty and fun to hang out with, doesn't mean a person should get a pass for being a coward and rude instead of being a decent human being and letting you know what the deal is. She attached a warning label to herself, hoping to put you off so you'd be the one to exit from a train wreck, and she wouldn't have to do the dirty work. If it were me, I'd be blocking such a bad risk for dating. Because she might contact you when she's having a dry spell and in need of an ego boost. Being pulled up by her string like you're a yo-yo would be a huge mistake.

What happened is a good example to stick closer to home when dating, such as to limit yourself to about a 45 minute drive from one another. No guarantee you still won't meet up with jerks, but you usually find out a whole lot sooner that a person is a jerk, versus the ones living further away, who can more easily hide skeletons in the closet. At least temporarily. In fact, it's why people who have things to hide seek out someone a bit distant. Just like he did. Go no contact with social media. Why keep a jerk in your life, even if solely in cyberspace?

Aside from all the other advice, I'll give my two cents about you remaining in contact. Even if you're now just pen pals, the emotional involvement, in the past and wishful thinking if things were presently different and you could be romantically involved, is not conducive to a future romance with someone else. I know if I started dating someone like you, and found out you were still in regular communication with a lady you wanted so much more from if she were on the same page, then I would walk away. Some relationships work for a time, and then have an expiration date. In your shoes, I'd tell her that for your own good, so you can bond with a new love interest, you will be going no contact. It doesn't seem like she'll be all that bothered by the prospect, anyway.

You can start by realizing people are only human and make mistakes. I can't answer what else is at play as far as your psychology goes. Chemistry is a vital ingredient that was missing here, because if it was there, you wouldn't find her features off-putting. People who have everything, chemistry and an enjoyment of their partner's personality, plus sharing life goals and ethics, don't seem to have any issue with looks fading over time. Your theory: a person whose looks are subpar to you should be irrelevant because everyone gets older and less unattractive anyway, is a false theory. It doesn't work like that. You've taken a lot longer to get over this because you've allowed contact, so can never get closure. You will have to go no contact for good, and realize you have done her a favor, even as it hurts the both of you right now. I recommend a book of fiction I read, called The Librarian by Christy Sloat. Though it's fiction, it really is insightful about how we might fantasize that if we could go back in time and change decisions we once made, that the outcome would've been a beautiful fairy tale. But the reality is often the opposite, or far worse than what we'd imagined. Learn to embrace whatever decisions you make so you can come to a sense of peace. And learn to use the words in your head wisely, to make the reel in your brain work for you, not against you. You've use the word "tortured." Instead, you could retrain your brain to think, "I'm upset about the breakup, just as everyone is in a breakup. But I'll go through all the steps of mourning and healing so I can eventually move on, learning from it all." Take care.

Just saying you'll change is something an ex might not have confidence in. To show your intent would involve letting him know at minimum which book you're reading on couples communication, and even better, how you're receiving counseling to learn better communication skills. Playing devil's advocate, maybe you speak too long and he felt a need to interrupt. You speak of his stubbornness of breaking up being final. In his view, it's likely more that he gave a lot of thought to breaking up, knowing that could mean forever, and he is okay with that. Because you have to realize that a person usually has unconditional love for one's child, but it's not so with a partner. Bitterness, over time, eats away at love like a cancer. If he decides not to reconcile, respect his wishes and leave him alone. You can still work on your communication skills, in the meantime, for better success with a future partner. Take care.

I'm guessing the biggest issue here is that you likely feel that what your bf reveals of himself is superficial. Of his 3 dimensions, he's only showing you one of them. I can see how that is less than satisfying for you. I think Billy Joel's lyrics for This is the Time fit's this scenario perfectly: You've given me the best of you But now I need the rest of you If you love him enough to want a future with him, I believe couple's therapy will be the only way to resolve this. Because how he's learned to behave seems to be really ingrained. Take care and let us know how it goes.

It's impossible to be someone's gf when there is no exclusivity. A person who cares won't want you to be a free agent. A person who wants to date with a goal of longterm if there is chemistry and compatibility, seen over a normal amount of time, will state that's his goal. He stated his goal was FWB and nothing more. It's a good learning lesson not to read between the lines, and take what a person says at face value. Hold out for someone who has the same dating goals. Obviously, it sounds like you're not cut out for FWBs. It's okay to learn these things about yourself so you can act in your own best interest in the future. I know I learned what worked and what didn't work for me while I was in the dating world. It's called the hard knocks of life, with good times in between.

I knew the first part was him. Doesn't the second part, though, fit you as well? It seems so, otherwise, you'd have exited this long ago.

The important thing you fail to realize, is that you will never have a successful relationship until you are first alone to work on your self-worth, and to build a fulfilling life for now without a partner. This would include finding your own company satisfying, such as trying a new recipe, reading an interesting book or listening to an audio book (I suggest starting with a book on improving your self-worth). Trying a new hobby. Asking girlfriends for get togethers, and if you don't have friends, join activities where you can meet people. Book discussion groups, women's hiking groups, environmental cleanups, etc. When you have achieved a fulfilling life solo, THEN you might be ready to date successfully, because you will wanting to share your happy life with a companion, versus a companion being the only reason you believe you're happy. For now, you're convinced he supplies you with some happiness, but you wouldn't be here on this forum if this were the type of happiness that is actually good for you. Ever hear of delayed gratification? It's the mature, adult way of putting in the effort needed to achieve your goal. Childish behavior is "Gimme! I want it now!!!" So you don't like being alone? Suck it up. You will survive. And you can move your emotional energy into doing the work on yourself. Predators can easily spot weak prey. You exude it with your demeanor and acceptance of bread crumbs. How can you stand being in that position? It doesn't have to be this way. Things have yet to work out in your favor. You've now received numerous advice, all pointing in the same direction. Perhaps you should change things up in your life and follow the majority of opinions. Don't you think that'd be a better plan than repeating the same failing pattern?

So aren't these two quotes very telling that what he finds the most satisfying is spending time with his friends and brother, since he does so about 4 nights per week, since you say he also hangs with them on the weekend? There are 7 days in a week, so that's the majority of the week. The norm is for couples to be with each other in after work hours the majority of the week, with no more than a day or two spent elsewhere. My husband and I spend time with other couples, and have also had group get togethers. Do none of his friends have girlfriends for double dating? Are there no group get-togethers with both men and women? So he feels isolated and bored with just you? You're sugarcoating it with the words "in the new city." He doesn't know how to enjoy your company, besides, I'm assuming, being intimate with you. So in your quote, you felt isolated and trapped while in his house, and now he feels isolated and bored outside of his house. If you two can't jibe on a location both will be happy with, one of you is slated for a lifetime of unhappiness if you stay together.

He was 25 when he bought the house with his brother--old enough to consider all the ramifications of that. A situation that is not conducive to dating with the goal of marriage and privacy with a significant other. Understand that people who possess what should be dealbreakers, also can have good traits. So his good trait is that he has temporarily moved in with you. But what would be a dealbreaker for me, and what I feel should be a dealbreaker for anyone, is that he allows his family to dictate major decisions in his life. When he says they will dictate the sort of wedding he has, do you not think they won't dictate where he lives (such as if you got an amazing job offer 1,000 miles away, and he wanted to move there with you), where you would spend holidays (especially if you wound up having kids together, and you wanted to go to your parents house, instead), and he would also likely not put up barriers to his family and they might pop in without notice to see the grandkids). You shouldn't be turning a blind eye to predicting a future with this man based on what you're seeing in the present. Another dealbreaker should be how he chooses to spend his leisure time. I would not be okay with a partner clubbing 3 nights per week. I'm totally okay with a partner having a healthy hobby he engages in a few times a week, and an occasional guys night out, but would never be ok with my guy going to a bar once a week, let alone 3 times a week. People who are satisfied in relationships have partners who have a healthy balance of time together and time apart. It's not too top-heavy away from a partner. If you refuse to break up, then this is what I suggest. When you're done with school, move back to where you're comfortable, which sounds like it's not too far from where he lives. It sounds like it's not too far a distance where he could drive to you for dates, so see what type of effort he makes to be in your life. He can work from anywhere, so if he won't eventually move to where you will be happy, why should you settle and live a life where you will always be a third wheel? The right partner normally expands your world, not minimize it. His outside activities aren't ones that include you. And neither does he put up boundaries when your quality time as a couple is interrupted by his brother. You've spent so many of your young years in this relationship, that even as you see these issues as problematic, you don't see them as egregious as a person who doesn't love him. After four years, many women would expect to be engaged by now. You have no idea if this is ever going to happen, and according to him, it could be another 4 or 5 years, so you think dating 9 or 10 years is an okay arrangement, and a risk worth taking? After this many years especially, if the only way you'll be happy is if there is major change, then you're in the wrong relationship. The trick to happiness is to date someone you don't want to change in a major way. Take care.

This is exactly what you need to say to her. If she was at all interested in more, this would be the point she would speak up, versus losing you. Although, after speaking 30 hours per week, I believe if that was her intent, she would've brought it up by now. If I were in your shoes, seeing how she is still in communication with her ex, that'd be a dealbreaker to me. You didn't say it was a dealbreaker, but you did mention your discomfort about it, so I'd suggest not getting into something where you see red flags. If you did take a risk of being with her, don't take this communication as a clear sign it would work this time. You won't see the reality until regularly being in each other's presence, dating, past the honeymoon period. That is, if things don't fall apart sooner. Take care and keep us updated.

If you care in the least bit about him, you will not agree to this plan of him leaving college for a year. It's a bad idea to halt his education like this. If you two can't be strong enough to manage a LDR, then it'd be better to go your separate ways now and then when you're both done with college, if you're both single, you can then make a plan to close the distance and try again. Assuming both of your brains haven't reached the full maturity of an adult brain, which is 25, you'd be wise to listen to older people who've had the life experience to know your plan is whacked. P.S. If you don't listen, be prepared that going from rarely seeing each other to living together 24/7, will blow up in your faces.

I guess you failed to listen to my or anyone else's advice, so why ask again? Cats bat around mice, let them run again, and then pounce because it's fun, and they don't care about the welfare of that mouse. You may as well go by one of those headbands with mouse ears to fully embrace your role, since you haven't disengaged yourself from his toxic game.

With no contact, a person usually no longer thinks of an ex daily after about 4 months. You keep allowing contact, so each time, that sets you back to square one. So step one is to block contact. Step two is to read up on how to gain self-worth. Otherwise, you will repeat the pattern of entering, and staying too long, in another toxic relationship.

Well, it's good you have empathy. It shows you have room to grow as a human being. With time, the pain for everyone will lessen.

Apparently, you two never had discussions about relationship rules, as far as opposite gender friendships go. That's too bad, as those sorts of things should be discussed when deciding to become exclusive, as it won't work when a couple has opposite view on that topic. It's not like she is some lifelong buddy from high school. In the span of time, he hasn't known her long, so it shouldn't be a big sacrifice to release her from his life when his friendship with her upsets you. If you didn't have children together, I'd say the best option would be to divorce. But since kids are involved, I'd make a last ditch attempt with marriage counseling. If he refuses, and he ignores the relationship rules you can bring up, of what you're comfortable with, then sadly, it won't be in your best interest to stay. Kids are a joy, but they also are a source of stress, and a couple has to have a strong foundation to be better able to handle the stress. Sorry you're learning some hard life lessons. Take care and keep us updated.

What is the ethical thing you should have done, as far as the feelings of your co-worker and to be faithful to your bf? You should have said, "Just so you know, I have a boyfriend." So when you don't act like a decent human being, yes, things will blow up in your face. And you have to respect other people's wishes. You and the co-worker have, or had, two different goals. When one person has a crush, friendship isn't possible, as the person with the crush is emotionally caught up on a dead-end, when they should be seeking something with a person available to date. You're the opposite of the person this co-worker thought you were. He had the wool pulled over his eyes, and now he's steering clear. Leave the poor guy alone. You've done enough damage. And if you can't be faithful to your bf by welcoming flirtatious behavior from other men, free him to be with someone who knows how to be a good partner. Take this as a learning experience. As long as you learn from mistakes, you can feel good about improvements, moving forward.

It's not clear if he actually moved out when you asked him to, or not. If he were the one to suggest breaking up, would it feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off your chest, or would you be upset? If you're just staying because your spine isn't strong enough to fend off his pleading, then you need to find the strength to tell him it's done, and then go no contact. Of course, if he still lives with you, you need to give him notice and time to find a new place. Take care.

From what I've read and observed, there are two types of people who cheat. The first type is a person whose ethics suck, and they lack the ability to truly love a partner the way they should. The second type is someone who has lost an emotional connection with their partner because of a lack of attention, or disrespect, or any other regular behavior that makes a relationship bitter. And then they find themselves responding to the attention of someone who treats them better, over time, such as a co-worker or someone they are in regular contact with. The best way to prevent a partner having an affair is to be the best partner you can be, to keep an emotional connection. If you're doing that and a partner still lacks relationship boundaries and has an emotional or physical affair, then I say good rides. Best to know that so you can exit and seek a partner who is faithful. What you're doing is self-sabotage. She looks in your eyes, sees fear there and hears it in your voice, and that's akin to her paying a price for a crime she didn't commit. Instead, you should've said with a smile on your face, "Congrats on your new position. I'm so proud of you. I'm taking you to dinner to celebrate." Aren't you aware that's what would keep a woman happy in a marriage? Build a strong foundation with those words and behavior versus taking a sledge hammer to the foundation with your unfounded worries. That will surely form cracks that will make your foundation crumble.