Andrina

Just because as you say he has some good traits (listening to you) that were lacking in your past toxic partners, doesn't mean at all that the good should outweigh the bad here. You say you feel like you're dying inside, and yet wonder if you should stick it out until XYZ is divulged. Isn't that what dating in the early stages is for? To vette potential longterm partner? Isn't the feeling of dying inside a clue you should make a speedy exit? Instead you're playing detective, stomach in knots. Instead you're asking for what you want--more communication during the week, and he hears you and chooses not to please you. Doesn't that show he doesn't care? Doesn't the fact he doesn't divulge the truth because his needs are more important than yours give you pause? Just reading about this man makes my skin crawl, and you have a lot of trouble breaking up with him? As the saying goes, Look at who you're with, and that's what you think of yourself. Your self-love needs a lot of work, or you will continue the pattern of allowing toxic men into your life. A big mistake you made was sleeping with him before finding out who he truly is. You put the cart before the horse. That's something you can learn from when dating in the future. I suggest taking a break from dating and continue on with your therapist and reading books on establishing a healthy self-worth. As for him, just tell him "This relationship doesn't work for me." Then block him. He's not worthy of any long discussions. You don't have conversations with the cockroaches you get rid of in your house, or the garbage you take to the sidewalk, do you?

You don't know what he does out of your sight. You're making excuses because of what you're trying to avoid.

You likely would be protecting other girls from the same abuse if you choose to report this. There's no guarantee you were the only victim and that he's not continuing these crimes. I agree you seek a therapist who will help guide you through all this.

These words speak of your low self esteem. Traded you? You're only 24, so maybe be realistic that a lot of young people have short term relationships because perhaps they are not ready to be ultra serious yet. Also, it usually takes several dating experiences to know what works and what doesn't. You're going to have to alter your self-talk for your own good. How about saying that it was in your best interest that none of these men worked out long term? Are there things you've learned from your dating experiences, like red flags you ignored, or if any of them were missing must-haves? As for this guy you're dating, you survived before meeting him and you will survive if things don't work out. I know it's nerve-wracking to be at this early stage and have hope for someone whose company you enjoy, but there is no fast-forward button, so try to keep a realistic wait-and-see attitude. Have the mindset that you're a special person, and he needs to treat you well to stay in your life. And then make an equal effort. You don't even know yet if he's worthy of you, so don't cling so hard to an unknown. Time will reveal all.

You sound like a total doormat here. You overlook her bad behavior because she's pretty. The only thing people want to do with doormats is wipe their dirty boots on them. Have some dignity and and standards. You'll attract better quality people when you practice self-love and self-respect.

Of course, it's nice to occasionally make a genuine remark to compliment someone on their clothing, or if they have pretty eyes, or on their cooking, etc. It doesn't take much effort. Don't you appreciate the same? Not really sure what you're asking here. But in my opinion, the business trip should be irrelevant for anyone who is into you and wants the dating situation to continue upon your return. If each of you have a comfort level of the amount of communication you've established, continue with the same pattern.

I've never once called anyone my best friend because I know that friendships often evolve. Sometimes they strengthen, sometimes they peter out, sometimes they totally end, etc. There are so many variables in one's life, and people usually have limited leisure time, so they must choose their priorities. The thing of it is, is that this is likely best for you, since all the emotional energy you've poured into her can now be eventually be redirected to someone who shares an equal interest in whatever type of relationship you want. No, do not subject her to any more talk of what you think will rectify the situation. She'll probably see it as more of you being over invested, and you'll make things worse. I've never once said, "I can't lose this friend." With some of them, would I be upset if they drifted away? Yes, and some have, but I've never tried to bargain, plead, convince them of staying friends on their terms, etc. When I lose I friend, I move on and then spend my time on other activities or with other friends. As the saying goes, when one door closes, another opens. You can't see it now, but it's probably a blessing in disguise to scoot you in another direction that will be more satisfying for you.

If nobody's advice sways you, even though there is no married person in the picture, streaming the movie Fatal Attraction might give you a possible peek into the crystal ball of a future with this PHD candidate who somehow has oodles of free time to bombard you with texts and photos.

Due to the chemistry and her attractiveness, what you see as refreshingly straightforward and open, anybody else not in your position will see as red flags. She comes with not one, but many warning labels. When things don't make sense, beware. Why does an attractive woman who supposedly has a lot going for her choose to seek out someone long distance, and then decide after a few hours of togetherness, that she will not date anyone else? You'll be spending a lot of money on a very high risk situation. Besides all the downsides of LDRs, you're letting your sparks for her cloud your judgement. She sent sexy photos to a new acquaintance, so don't you think she's well practiced at it? You're taking everything she's said as factual when she could be feeding you lines of BS. She's a stranger, and as said, it will take far longer to know the real person in an LDR. I stuck to local dating when I was single, and I give that same advice to everyone.

I highlighted those words you used because they are not conducive to productive problem solving. Start with what you can do to have a happier marriage, and how to communicate more effectively. As said, if you're not seeking treatment for depression, that should be a priority on your list. If you don't presently work outside the home, what are your future plans to do so? Will your child be in full or part time school next year, where it might be a possibility for you to be able to contribute financially to ease your family's financial burden? Can you be doing anything now in-house, like regularly babysitting for another person? Regarding communication, you have to be clearcut about what you want. You could have said something like: In the future, if you see me crying in bed, I'd like you to come and rub my back for five minutes. (Just an example of being concrete instead of being vague.) You two could sit down and write columns of pros and cons of each possible decision. Perhaps seeing everything written down would be helpful. Your emotional connection needs work. Make sure you're using the resources of family involvement by asking them to babysit once or twice a month so you and your husband can have couples time, which can alternate between home dates and outside activities. Make sure it's time where you have affectionate fun together. Shake things up. Do things you've never done before. He works hard? Give him a foot or back rub. He'll be more liable to care for you when you're crying in bed if you've been similarly caring for his well being. Take care and let us know how it goes.

You have more right to be angry than her, that she used you as a stepping stone out of her failing marriage. She saw you as easy prey with your low self-esteem, and then just as easily as she leaped on, she quickly leaped off. Although anger is meant to be temporary, because it will eat away at you if you keep feeding it. And this is all so immature-- interactions of he said/she said. People passing along gossip of what is hurtful and the opposite of being constructive. The best use of your time now is to work on building your self-esteem by reading about skills to do this, or going to therapy. Because people who possess a healthy self-worth will tend to have better success in vetting prospective partners. Take care.

Yes, oops.

As far as the lengths of time for each date, the cat's already out of the bag, so why worry now? Just keep having a wait-and-see attitude. Know that this is the honeymoon period so enjoy it for what it is. If it gets past the 4 to 6 months of newness, that's when you will see the reality of the situation. If what is happening is, and should be, longterm or not. Try to keep having as many dates outside of your homes. Many women regret having sex too soon, but most don't regret waiting a bit longer. Because players whose goal is to bed you and then exit usually don't have the patience to keep on dating with boogie. If he's enjoying your company and enjoys finding out everything about you (healthy topics of course), that's a good sign. If you find a keeper your first time out, I envy you. When I did OLD, I had to go on dates with about 30 men before finding a keeper. Enjoy!

So do you have a personal timeline of how long you will allow emotional abuse, being punished for a crime you're not committing? Either it's a dealbreaker or it's not. Self-worth or a lack of it usually determines that.

Well, that's alarming. Perhaps if you've been used to being controlled by your parents, that subconsciously, you chose a partner who is also controlling because that sort of dysfunction feels "normal" to you. Psychology is a strange thing. Trying to isolate you from those you love is controlling. Read a book and articles on establishing boundaries. Let people know the rules of remaining in your life and the consequences when they don't play by your rules.

It's called the hard knocks of life. We've all made mistakes, letting our hearts override our brains. I know I've made plenty of my own, even as for the most part, I'm an intelligent person with a lot of common sense. Accept what you're feeling now is a normal part of the mourning process, and with no communication and treating yourself well with enjoyable activities and spending time with good friends, you will eventually get to the healing and moving on steps. Take care.

Even as your parents have made it clear they don't support your relationship with your bf, he should not be punishing you for wanting to retain a connection to them. I don't understand this statement. Can you expand on this? I don't know if this is your parents opinion about what his flaws are, or something else. What is his relationship history? Does he have a solid career? Is he financially stable? What are both his good traits and bad as far as being your romantic partner? What do your friends think of your man? There are books you can read about establishing boundaries with people. You can teach people how to treat you by learning the skills to do this. Not only do the boundaries need to be set up with your parents, but also with your bf. Without more info from you, we don't know enough to understand if your parents are totally unreasonable, or if they see huge red flags and are panicking.

Exactly. Realize that what you have has an expiration date. So you either let things fade away so you're not as hurt as if you invest a lengthy amount of time and then one of you pulls the plug. Because yes, it's not fair to a SO to maintain this intense communication and emotional involvement with someone you boinked in the past. And he might be the one pulling the plug first when he gets a SO. It's to be expected. Sometimes you have to let your brain override your heart on these matters. You two don't seem slated as each others forever person. It's a youthful dalliance only meant to be temporary, so keep it that way.

His behavior has likely killed the love you need to have for a lifetime partner. And no, you don't sacrifice your happiness because a partner looks as though he's on a better path. You have to have your own back, and do what's best for yourself. For now, make a list of everything you need to do to get this divorce rolling. I know it's natural to seek comfort like a band-aid from another caring man at this time, but it's not the right thing to do at this point. It's time to concentrate on yourself and especially on your son, getting him used to a new family dynamic, without your attention turned to another man. The time for that is much later, when you and your son are settled into your new lives. Believe me, you will be happy you waited to date again, when you won't be rebounding, and your son can handle it when you begin dating. If your husband reacts badly to divorce, explain to him how you two co-parenting in a respectful and kind manner, will be the best for your son, psychologically. If you live in America, many states require parents to attend one class where that subject is discussed, before a divorce is granted. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Since you crossed the line into sexting, it's in the best interest for a future relationship with someone else, that you no longer communicate with the Reddit guy. I know if I started dating a guy who communicated with a woman he once sexted, even if he said they were just online friends and would never be anything more, I'd no longer date him. You're sabotaging yourself because of a mere stranger if you stay in contact. The fact you became so invested in him so quickly means you're not properly engaging with local people enough for both friendship and romance. Get out into the real world. And beside OLD like Hinge, try Meetup.com groups. I also suggest reading books about the best way to date in today's world.

Yeah, this is a person playing games for an ego boost, knowing what those things spur inside you. You've been so enamored, you fail to see she does crappy things to people without caring that those people will be hurt. Because if she's done this to you, she seems well practiced. You're a caring person, but perhaps too caring when you're naive to the fact she's not a good friend, so you shouldn't feel guilty walking away from this supposed friendship.

Would you treat someone like this, as in being rude with no reply? Leaving a person hanging? Just because she's pretty and fun to hang out with, doesn't mean a person should get a pass for being a coward and rude instead of being a decent human being and letting you know what the deal is. She attached a warning label to herself, hoping to put you off so you'd be the one to exit from a train wreck, and she wouldn't have to do the dirty work. If it were me, I'd be blocking such a bad risk for dating. Because she might contact you when she's having a dry spell and in need of an ego boost. Being pulled up by her string like you're a yo-yo would be a huge mistake.

What happened is a good example to stick closer to home when dating, such as to limit yourself to about a 45 minute drive from one another. No guarantee you still won't meet up with jerks, but you usually find out a whole lot sooner that a person is a jerk, versus the ones living further away, who can more easily hide skeletons in the closet. At least temporarily. In fact, it's why people who have things to hide seek out someone a bit distant. Just like he did. Go no contact with social media. Why keep a jerk in your life, even if solely in cyberspace?

Aside from all the other advice, I'll give my two cents about you remaining in contact. Even if you're now just pen pals, the emotional involvement, in the past and wishful thinking if things were presently different and you could be romantically involved, is not conducive to a future romance with someone else. I know if I started dating someone like you, and found out you were still in regular communication with a lady you wanted so much more from if she were on the same page, then I would walk away. Some relationships work for a time, and then have an expiration date. In your shoes, I'd tell her that for your own good, so you can bond with a new love interest, you will be going no contact. It doesn't seem like she'll be all that bothered by the prospect, anyway.

You can start by realizing people are only human and make mistakes. I can't answer what else is at play as far as your psychology goes. Chemistry is a vital ingredient that was missing here, because if it was there, you wouldn't find her features off-putting. People who have everything, chemistry and an enjoyment of their partner's personality, plus sharing life goals and ethics, don't seem to have any issue with looks fading over time. Your theory: a person whose looks are subpar to you should be irrelevant because everyone gets older and less unattractive anyway, is a false theory. It doesn't work like that. You've taken a lot longer to get over this because you've allowed contact, so can never get closure. You will have to go no contact for good, and realize you have done her a favor, even as it hurts the both of you right now. I recommend a book of fiction I read, called The Librarian by Christy Sloat. Though it's fiction, it really is insightful about how we might fantasize that if we could go back in time and change decisions we once made, that the outcome would've been a beautiful fairy tale. But the reality is often the opposite, or far worse than what we'd imagined. Learn to embrace whatever decisions you make so you can come to a sense of peace. And learn to use the words in your head wisely, to make the reel in your brain work for you, not against you. You've use the word "tortured." Instead, you could retrain your brain to think, "I'm upset about the breakup, just as everyone is in a breakup. But I'll go through all the steps of mourning and healing so I can eventually move on, learning from it all." Take care.