Andrina

What kind of life have you built for yourself besides dating?

You're staying with him out of desperation, for a singular, weak thread of him supposedly being exclusive with you, and you have no way of knowing if that's even the case, since he lives a life far from you. This quote shows what little self-esteem you have, as people who possess self-love don't chase people who ignore them. People who have self-love make equal efforts to a love interest, and if it's unrequited, walk away to find someone who is worthy of them. Perhaps you've gotten in your own way, since you haven't had luck in the dating world. Appearing too clingy and desperate, you will only attract losers, and scare away decent men. My advice? Break up with this childish man. Read some books on achieving self-love. Therapy could assist with that goal as well. Start a new hobby if you don't have one. Make new girlfriends if you don't have any by joining clubs, groups, hobbies where you have fun alongside others. And then where you're ready to date, try things you haven't in the past. Meetup.com groups. Volunteer at a zoo, environment cleanups, or at a museum. Take dancing lessons, cooking classes, etc. Make a must-have list and a dealbreaker list so you're not settling. You have to take the reins and be proactive. Woe is me self-talk will just have you wallowing and stuck, exactly as you are now. Take care and let us know how it goes.

Wow, a spark gone for 6 months after 21 years and your first instincts aren't to pull out all the stops to try to reignite the spark with whom you say is a wonderful woman? There is marriage counseling. There is reading creative ideas to to reestablish an emotional connection. Perhaps you care, but no, you don't truly love a woman to just want to make a quick exit to boink another woman. After so much time together, It's hard to go cold turkey as far as properly living a separate life from your estranged wife, but it's wiser to do so. It's also wiser to not date for a full year after a divorce because you are not ready to date yet. Concentrate on divorcing and building a fulfilling life solo before venturing into the dating world. You'll thank yourself later for putting in that important work first. And if people in your family can no longer be warm and fuzzy toward you, it's because you didn't handle this situation well at all. And yes, your dating pool will be far smaller because few women, if any, will be okay with you spending time with your ex-wife as a buddy.

Won't the men you're dating be in your age range and developing wrinkles and graying hairs at a similar stage? It's insulting to the entire gender of men if you think every one of them is this shallow. In hindsight of my own life, at times, I believe it would've been wiser to wait until I was at your present age to date seriously. Instead, I married at age 21, and was too young and dumb to make a wise decision. That first marriage ended in divorce--and I know of many others--relatives, co-workers, who made the same mistake. As older and wiser people, I and they made better decisions the second time around in choosing a lifetime partner. You're going to have to change the reel going on in your brain. A book that helped me is The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. Also, a good activity is to make yourself a dream/vision board. Put everything on there you hope to accomplish and/or experience. It's a good way to be proactive and clear about what you want in life. And as said, it does take effort to achieve goals, so taking steps, even small ones, will give you a sense of achievement. Take care.

Most people in their teens and twenties have many dating experiences before being ready to find a lifetime partner. In fact, that's beneficial to realize who is right for them, and who is not. You're lacking must-haves with him, and as you see, love isn't enough by itself for a satisfying partnership. Break it off, and give yourself solo time to mourn the end, and be able to heal. And don't feel like you always have to have a boyfriend to enjoy life. I made that mistake when I was a teen, and wished I'd embraced being single for long stretches. I would have probably done a better job in choosing a better first husband if I'd done that. My first marriage ended in divorce. Luckily, I chose wiser the second time around. Good luck.

It's always better to take a risk, going for what you want, even if it doesn't pan out. A picnic sounds great.

Just so you know for any future dating experiences, just because a guy asks you a question, doesn't mean you have to answer it. Think about the purpose of answering a question and ask if it's helpful knowledge so the person knows you're presently a good prospect for dating. Good reasons for new couples discussing relationship histories are just trying to determine if the person is capable of longterm, if that's the goal. If a person is 30 and their longest relationship was 2 months, that's a relevant red flag and helpful info. If a person said they cheated, that's relevant bad info. If a person says they dated their last partner for a year, and decided their life goals were incompatible, that's not a red flag, and actually a good sign a person is serious about finding a good match. As for your bf, if it were me, I'd tell him I'd be discussing it with my therapist, and when anything major he needs to know arises, I will tell him. In the meantime, if he ends up behaving in a way that regularly makes you feel poorly about yourself, then he's not a person who should be in your life. Please know a person's brain isn't fully mature in the decision-making area of the brain, the pre-frontal cortex, until age 25. So please divulge everything to your skilled therapist and be open to his/her guidance. I'll give a little story of what happened when I was almost 14 and returned to my hometown for a wedding. My mother was arriving a week later and had sent my brother and I to stay with our Grandma. I had used of a bicycle, and had left my camera at my grown cousin's house a few miles away and went to retrieve it without calling him. Close to the dirt road he lived on, a man, dressed well and in a nice car stopped and asked if I could take a church survey. I said I was in a hurry but he said it would take only 2 minutes. He stayed in the car and I stayed on my bike. But I got suspicious when the questions turned to how physically fit I was and showed me a hand exerciser and said, "Come here, I want to see how strong you are." I then remembered my mother's voice in my head. She'd warned, "Don't go by anyone's car when they ask for directions. They will pull you right through the window." I took off, and thank God he didn't follow as my cousin wasn't even home. Perhaps he didn't follow because there had been someone in the neighborhood watering their lawn, who might have been eyeing him. My point is that when I got to my Grandma's and she asked me what took so long, she wanted to call the police. With my immature brain, I didn't want all this hullabaloo, and begged her not to call. With my now adult brain, I've always regretted how I didn't let her call the police, because it might have stopped him from whatever he did to other girls. Your brain still has some maturing to do. Please know that sacrificing whatever discomfort you'll experience telling authorities, is on a far lower level than the trauma other girls will experience being molested. Sometimes you have to do things for the greater good. If you ever have a child, wouldn't you want a stranger to speak up if it meant keeping them from possible harm? I still have PTSD when I see a hand exerciser, and I only came close to harm and never actually experienced being physically molested. I can only imagine the horror of someone who wasn't as lucky. I'm very sorry you were not protected from a monster.

You can never fully know what goes on in a person's mind, and you might be assuming things that aren't factual. A person might not choose to tell you the real reason she is no longer interested. Start thinking of her as just another student. You do have control over your mind. This is the time in your life you will be meeting the largest group of singles in your age group. I suggest not wasting it being hung up on a dead end.

Isn't that what you do for a child? So you're married to someone childish. When you want someone to change in a major way, and can't be happy as is, you're in the wrong relationship. How about divorcing, giving you the freedom to eventually find a man you don't want to change?

Just because as you say he has some good traits (listening to you) that were lacking in your past toxic partners, doesn't mean at all that the good should outweigh the bad here. You say you feel like you're dying inside, and yet wonder if you should stick it out until XYZ is divulged. Isn't that what dating in the early stages is for? To vette potential longterm partner? Isn't the feeling of dying inside a clue you should make a speedy exit? Instead you're playing detective, stomach in knots. Instead you're asking for what you want--more communication during the week, and he hears you and chooses not to please you. Doesn't that show he doesn't care? Doesn't the fact he doesn't divulge the truth because his needs are more important than yours give you pause? Just reading about this man makes my skin crawl, and you have a lot of trouble breaking up with him? As the saying goes, Look at who you're with, and that's what you think of yourself. Your self-love needs a lot of work, or you will continue the pattern of allowing toxic men into your life. A big mistake you made was sleeping with him before finding out who he truly is. You put the cart before the horse. That's something you can learn from when dating in the future. I suggest taking a break from dating and continue on with your therapist and reading books on establishing a healthy self-worth. As for him, just tell him "This relationship doesn't work for me." Then block him. He's not worthy of any long discussions. You don't have conversations with the cockroaches you get rid of in your house, or the garbage you take to the sidewalk, do you?

You don't know what he does out of your sight. You're making excuses because of what you're trying to avoid.

You likely would be protecting other girls from the same abuse if you choose to report this. There's no guarantee you were the only victim and that he's not continuing these crimes. I agree you seek a therapist who will help guide you through all this.

These words speak of your low self esteem. Traded you? You're only 24, so maybe be realistic that a lot of young people have short term relationships because perhaps they are not ready to be ultra serious yet. Also, it usually takes several dating experiences to know what works and what doesn't. You're going to have to alter your self-talk for your own good. How about saying that it was in your best interest that none of these men worked out long term? Are there things you've learned from your dating experiences, like red flags you ignored, or if any of them were missing must-haves? As for this guy you're dating, you survived before meeting him and you will survive if things don't work out. I know it's nerve-wracking to be at this early stage and have hope for someone whose company you enjoy, but there is no fast-forward button, so try to keep a realistic wait-and-see attitude. Have the mindset that you're a special person, and he needs to treat you well to stay in your life. And then make an equal effort. You don't even know yet if he's worthy of you, so don't cling so hard to an unknown. Time will reveal all.

You sound like a total doormat here. You overlook her bad behavior because she's pretty. The only thing people want to do with doormats is wipe their dirty boots on them. Have some dignity and and standards. You'll attract better quality people when you practice self-love and self-respect.

Of course, it's nice to occasionally make a genuine remark to compliment someone on their clothing, or if they have pretty eyes, or on their cooking, etc. It doesn't take much effort. Don't you appreciate the same? Not really sure what you're asking here. But in my opinion, the business trip should be irrelevant for anyone who is into you and wants the dating situation to continue upon your return. If each of you have a comfort level of the amount of communication you've established, continue with the same pattern.

I've never once called anyone my best friend because I know that friendships often evolve. Sometimes they strengthen, sometimes they peter out, sometimes they totally end, etc. There are so many variables in one's life, and people usually have limited leisure time, so they must choose their priorities. The thing of it is, is that this is likely best for you, since all the emotional energy you've poured into her can now be eventually be redirected to someone who shares an equal interest in whatever type of relationship you want. No, do not subject her to any more talk of what you think will rectify the situation. She'll probably see it as more of you being over invested, and you'll make things worse. I've never once said, "I can't lose this friend." With some of them, would I be upset if they drifted away? Yes, and some have, but I've never tried to bargain, plead, convince them of staying friends on their terms, etc. When I lose I friend, I move on and then spend my time on other activities or with other friends. As the saying goes, when one door closes, another opens. You can't see it now, but it's probably a blessing in disguise to scoot you in another direction that will be more satisfying for you.

If nobody's advice sways you, even though there is no married person in the picture, streaming the movie Fatal Attraction might give you a possible peek into the crystal ball of a future with this PHD candidate who somehow has oodles of free time to bombard you with texts and photos.

Due to the chemistry and her attractiveness, what you see as refreshingly straightforward and open, anybody else not in your position will see as red flags. She comes with not one, but many warning labels. When things don't make sense, beware. Why does an attractive woman who supposedly has a lot going for her choose to seek out someone long distance, and then decide after a few hours of togetherness, that she will not date anyone else? You'll be spending a lot of money on a very high risk situation. Besides all the downsides of LDRs, you're letting your sparks for her cloud your judgement. She sent sexy photos to a new acquaintance, so don't you think she's well practiced at it? You're taking everything she's said as factual when she could be feeding you lines of BS. She's a stranger, and as said, it will take far longer to know the real person in an LDR. I stuck to local dating when I was single, and I give that same advice to everyone.

I highlighted those words you used because they are not conducive to productive problem solving. Start with what you can do to have a happier marriage, and how to communicate more effectively. As said, if you're not seeking treatment for depression, that should be a priority on your list. If you don't presently work outside the home, what are your future plans to do so? Will your child be in full or part time school next year, where it might be a possibility for you to be able to contribute financially to ease your family's financial burden? Can you be doing anything now in-house, like regularly babysitting for another person? Regarding communication, you have to be clearcut about what you want. You could have said something like: In the future, if you see me crying in bed, I'd like you to come and rub my back for five minutes. (Just an example of being concrete instead of being vague.) You two could sit down and write columns of pros and cons of each possible decision. Perhaps seeing everything written down would be helpful. Your emotional connection needs work. Make sure you're using the resources of family involvement by asking them to babysit once or twice a month so you and your husband can have couples time, which can alternate between home dates and outside activities. Make sure it's time where you have affectionate fun together. Shake things up. Do things you've never done before. He works hard? Give him a foot or back rub. He'll be more liable to care for you when you're crying in bed if you've been similarly caring for his well being. Take care and let us know how it goes.

You have more right to be angry than her, that she used you as a stepping stone out of her failing marriage. She saw you as easy prey with your low self-esteem, and then just as easily as she leaped on, she quickly leaped off. Although anger is meant to be temporary, because it will eat away at you if you keep feeding it. And this is all so immature-- interactions of he said/she said. People passing along gossip of what is hurtful and the opposite of being constructive. The best use of your time now is to work on building your self-esteem by reading about skills to do this, or going to therapy. Because people who possess a healthy self-worth will tend to have better success in vetting prospective partners. Take care.

Yes, oops.

As far as the lengths of time for each date, the cat's already out of the bag, so why worry now? Just keep having a wait-and-see attitude. Know that this is the honeymoon period so enjoy it for what it is. If it gets past the 4 to 6 months of newness, that's when you will see the reality of the situation. If what is happening is, and should be, longterm or not. Try to keep having as many dates outside of your homes. Many women regret having sex too soon, but most don't regret waiting a bit longer. Because players whose goal is to bed you and then exit usually don't have the patience to keep on dating with boogie. If he's enjoying your company and enjoys finding out everything about you (healthy topics of course), that's a good sign. If you find a keeper your first time out, I envy you. When I did OLD, I had to go on dates with about 30 men before finding a keeper. Enjoy!

So do you have a personal timeline of how long you will allow emotional abuse, being punished for a crime you're not committing? Either it's a dealbreaker or it's not. Self-worth or a lack of it usually determines that.

Well, that's alarming. Perhaps if you've been used to being controlled by your parents, that subconsciously, you chose a partner who is also controlling because that sort of dysfunction feels "normal" to you. Psychology is a strange thing. Trying to isolate you from those you love is controlling. Read a book and articles on establishing boundaries. Let people know the rules of remaining in your life and the consequences when they don't play by your rules.

It's called the hard knocks of life. We've all made mistakes, letting our hearts override our brains. I know I've made plenty of my own, even as for the most part, I'm an intelligent person with a lot of common sense. Accept what you're feeling now is a normal part of the mourning process, and with no communication and treating yourself well with enjoyable activities and spending time with good friends, you will eventually get to the healing and moving on steps. Take care.