Andrina

Many people I know who have been roomies with friends end up enemies. Very hard to be on the same page on every single thing, with all that involves co-habiting. So he'll be embarrassed. People generally experience many trials in life. Just continue giving him your pleasant company in friendship.

If you wanted casual and a FWB, you wouldn't need to write a wall of text about this guy. You'd be okay with no strings attached, and you two could boink whomever you wanted besides each other. Get real with yourself about what you really want in the dating world, and then set standards for yourself. Cut bait when the guy wants different than you. Longterm guys who see potential will be patient about being intimate. Maybe try that next time to possibly vette a guy better before giving him the gift of your body.

That kind of craziness is something to be take into consideration, since whoever you date, if it becomes serious, you will also have to be around her family at times. IMO, wherever you travel, especially when young and meeting a lot of people on the trip, there will always be someone you spark with. Chemistry is rather common, and something you can also find in abundance locally. LDRs are high risk unless they start as local relationships, and people have to temporarily move for jobs or college. Because the normal pace of dating can't happen. It ends up as too much time apart, and then when visiting each other, it's too much time together. And then if after dating long distance and you decide to close the distance, one of you will have to uproot, leaving all your friends, family, and possibly a good job. That adds an extreme amount of stress. You both sound young, so if she's that beautiful, do you think she's going to forego all the opportunities to date other guys in her town when only getting to see you a handful of times during the year? It's also an expensive way to date for such an iffy thing, since I'm assuming you would be flying to her. In your shoes, I'd concentrate on dating locally, but if you want to keep in contact with her, see if she puts in effort equally with traveling to you as well, if you choose to spend on airfare. It'd also be in your best interest, before spending a lot of your money, to find out what her dating style and goals are, to make sure they match yours.

IMO, You shouldn't be in a relationship if your dating and life goals don't match. His style for the moment is to date short term, with an expiration date. Your goal seems to be that you're dating in order to have a long term, lifetime partner. Do you want to keep falling deeper in love when you know there is an expiration date? He's willing to let you go, and has more wild oats to sow. If it were me, I'd tell him, "I'll always cherish the memories and wish you well. For my own good and closure, we're going to have to go no contact." Be glad he was honest with you, so you could do what's best for yourself. Take care.

You put her between a rock and a hard place. She's the coordinator of the volunteers, and you're a volunteer. When you asked her to meet up, she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. If she assumes you're into her and she's either not into you, or finds it inappropriate to date a volunteer, if she say's "No, I don't want to mix business with pleasure with a volunteer, she would feel as though it would be an awkward conversation full of assumptions, which may be false. She might have at first said, yes, and then realized it was a mistake and is trying her best to keep your interactions as pleasant colleagues. When you said before that you in no way would no longer volunteer if she ghosted you, then you're volunteering for the wrong reasons. I thought you were volunteering because art is a passion of yours, and you're doing this for yourself and to give back to society. She is but one person present there, so what does it matter if she doesn't behave as you would've liked, especially as you're the one who put her in that awkward position. I previously recommended not dating right now, and building up your passions in this art hobby and forming some friendships. I'll tell you that your average looks have nothing to do with why you're single. The angry seething and defeatist attitude going on in your brain is emanating from your demeanor, aura, and is clearly shown on your face. As an example, the now deceased Bob Ross who had the show teaching people to paint was totally average in looks. Liver spots and all, he had a huge following of women who were gaga over him. Why? His passion for his art. His positive presence, in the words he spoke to describe what he was painting. As is right now, a woman would be terrified to go out with you when your thoughts show through very clearly on your face and demeanor, no matter if you don't think that's happening. You thought it was normal to text that lady about why you ran off so quickly at those events, which was another clue your emotions run too extreme. A woman needs to know that if she dates you, that if things don't work out, you can part pleasantly as two mature adults. And women are usually intuitive, so I'm sure they can sense this might not be the case since you're already on edge, even at the beginning. As I said before, work on building a life where you have a hobby and a few friends, because a woman is too scared to be the only good thing in your life. You've begun this volunteering, so that's a great step forward. Don't sabotage yourself by running away just because things got a little rocky. Resilient people are more successful than people who have wed noodles for spines. People are taking their time to type because they care. If we do, others physically in your life will eventually do that as well, if you mellow out and take your armor off.

Let's just say that you did meet her and eventually became exclusive. Are you okay with her continuing her career, engaging in sexual talk for money? You can only have one longterm partner for your one precious life. Is that what an ideal, prized partner looks like to you, or are you desperate and overlooking it right now? If she is cute, smart, and sweet, why do you think she is single? And if you're reasoning it's because she's been avoiding relationships because of emotional baggage, then a person like that is not dating material. You're not the white knight who will be the special one to "save" her. I did OLD for several years when I was single. As per what I quoted, it's far wiser when you're not exclusive with someone to have a "Don't ask, Don't tell" rule. You have to assume someone could be chatting with, or going on dates with others, but it's not at all pleasant to hear about that. There's absolutely no good reason to divulge that. What is the available times you have to date a woman locally? How often are you home versus gone for your job?

First of all, if you say you're the heavier drinker, I'm just wondering if this changes your behavior, and that she doesn't see you as "present" when she speaks to you. As in even if you don't perceive yourself as being different, alcohol can of course alter your brain and change your personality while you're drinking. Her behavior is childish. She's taking a tantrum and is now acting like you're the parent and punishing her. Mature people know when they are in an exclusive relationship, that they have to be accountable to their partner and cannot operate in the same way they did when single. For example, a single woman might do the following with girlfriends: shopping at the mall, meeting up at restaurants, attending concerts, barhopping and dancing, hikes, bowling. When exclusive, the barhopping and dancing have to happen far less during than year than in single years, and the dancing now has to be girls only without the former goal of getting asked by a guy to dance. Apparently, the talk that should have happened when you became exclusive is way overdue about relationship rules when it comes to opposite sex friends. Each couple has to make sure they match on that rule. It's not normal that you are barred from meeting her friends. As said, you might not want to join them every time they get together, but her excuse is unreasonable and she needs to bend in that area. Many couples, besides having individual friends, have couples they double date with and group friends they hang out with. This seems to be lacking in your relationship and perhaps she's bored, but she's dealing with that boredom in the wrong way. Yeah, if it were me, I'd again have a discussion about the both of you coming up with a social life plan you can both come to a consensus about. And this should involve other things that aren't solely narcotics and alcohol centered. If she can't have a mature discussion, you can suggest meeting up with a marriage therapist who will be an impartial, skilled person to guide you two in a better direction. Good luck.

I've been there, in my first marriage, and would always advise anyone not to enter into any romance with a person who fails to keep their depression in check with therapy and medication. On Dr. Phil, I once saw a show where a woman quit her job to be the full time caretaker for her husband who'd become a paraplegic. It was well intentioned, but ended up as the couple feeling less like a romantic couple and more like a nurse caring for a patient. Dr. Phil helped them come up with a plan to use resources where she went back to work and they used someone else the majority of the day for her husband's care, so they could go back to going on dates and acting more like a romantic couple. Seems as though the same thing happens when you have to coddle and do whatever is expected from your partner who hasn't sought treatment from a psychiatrist like she should have. It's draining. I'm happier after divorcing my ex. Breaks don't work. Breaks mean the person isn't right for you because you feel like the air is toxic in their presence. She survived two years ago without you as a partner and she will survive post-breakup. You can't sacrifice your happiness because you think she will wither away without your support. That's attributing too much importance to yourself. She herself told you to go ahead and step back.

Just curious if you might be spending too much time together, versus certain other couples' who have the opposite problem of not enough time together. Do each of you spend separate time with a friend or two? Do you have any other couples you go on double dates with, or do you have a group of friends you both hang with? Do either of you do a hobby you don't do together? Besides the great advice you've already been given, maybe start your own hobby you do once or twice a week or start doing a regular buddy outing with a friend. Give him a chance to miss you. I'm not talking about a lot of time here. Just a healthy balance. I also might initiate non-sexual touch just to reestablish a connection you or he might not realize is missing. You could tell him he looks tired after work and give him a foot massage, without any flirting whatsoever or he might see it as your shot at foreplay. You could also reach for his hand when you're out walking, if you don't normally hold hands. I know it's hard to practice that behavior as he's lacking in sexual effort, but hopefully something like this will have him feeling emotionally closer to you, which might spur on a desire for physical closeness. I'd probably also engage in conversation such as, "Do you have a bucket list of places you'd like to visit in your lifetime, or things you'd like to try (such as snow skiing, hot air balloon ride, etc.)?" Just by speaking of things like this, you might get entry into his brain as to things going on you might not have known about. As well as perhaps, "Ideally, how do you picture your life in 10 years, such as still living in the same house and the same state?" Things like that. If all else fails, over a long period of trying and of seeing no good results, you can plainly say, "I'm not willing to live the rest of my life like this." Perhaps if he then sees the seriousness of that statement, if he cares, he will agree to counseling and a medical checkup. Good luck and keep us updated.

She likes the ego boost that he pays attention to her--that he's a fan. But she's just not that into him for more. If she were a decent person she'd be fair to both of you. She'd be fair to him by ending her friendship with him (of course, continuing to be pleasant as a co-worker) so that he'd be emotionally free to bond with a single woman. And she'd be fair to you by respecting your relationship and not communicate with a man she recently boinked, etc. It's okay and normal to not be kosher with what she's doing. There are people who'd be okay with this, but you're not, so you have to do you. If you're regularly stressed in a relationship, it means it's not the right one for you. There are single women who would match you in the way you'd like to behave in a relationship. I'd hold out for one of them. One thing I'd like to mention is that after 7 years, you should really take a good year off from dating. Perhaps if you take that time to know yourself as a single person for a while, you'll be able to make better decisions in future dating prospects and not just be guided by lust. Take care.

Whatever emotional baggage you have from your childhood needs to be addressed and dealt with in counseling. You're an adult now, so learn the skills to move forward instead of being mired in a toxic past. Learn the power of the reel going on in your brain, and change up what you say to yourself. She's not your soulmate, since for her, she's shown you and told you you're not her one and only. And it's a mistake to make the promises you made to each other, because that means you will never, for the expected remainder of your life, probably 50 to 60 years, never date another woman. It's idiotic to sacrifice your one life on this planet for someone who's chosen not to be exclusive with you. You should even consider she's using you, telling you what she knows will touch on your heartstrings so she's not homeless, or forced to live in lesser digs, and being without a live-in caretaker while she gets 3 days away from the kids to have fun. From now on, conversations need to be about the kids only, and not about staying friends or soulmates or occasional lovers. That ship has sailed, and you will forever be without a partner, because no new woman will accept dating you when you're living with your "soulmate." Time and distance from the dynamic you have now will help you see more clearly that you need to learn a new dynamic of solely being co-parents. I suggest you take at least a day that she normally expects you to watch the children, and instead you begin a new hobby where you can meet new friends. You cannot keep all of your eggs in one basket, because you can see that things can change on a dime, and it's more devastating when the only person you socialize with ends that relationship, or it greatly lessens. Stop blaming shyness. I am shy, but always pushed myself to join clubs, volunteer, and have always put effort into being a good friend, even as all those friendships have evolved or sometimes ended, which is quite normal. It takes a while to get used to separating from a longterm partner, but taking small steps in that direction to begin with is a good start. Read some books and articles on what you should be doing in this case. It's not like you have to have her move right now, but that should be the eventual goal. Working out a co-parenting plan doesn't have to involve you two living together. As said, divorced parents have accomplished this, and there are even single parents making that situation work. Take care and let us know how it goes.

I'm surprised you didn't see that behavior in the past, as I'm assuming you had her sleep over before you moved in. Regardless, communication hasn't worked. What you're asking for is reasonable. She doesn't care that it stresses you out. And it's rude she leaves the half-eaten food for you to clean up. If it were me, I'd consider it a dealbreaker. You know you're dating the right person when you don't want to change them in a major way.

People who run hot and cold just aren't that into you. I've learned that by observation and a few times when it happened to me in the past. Good to know so you can emotionally move on. Fate has someone better in store for you.

I've never once taken back an ex, whether I did the breaking up or he did. If I did the breaking up, I'd thought long and hard and did it for good reasons. If he were the initiator, I'd know he knew that action could spell forever. A person willing to do this couldn't truly care about me in doing so, unless there was a dealbreaker like cheating, and in this case, there wasn't one. My advice is to learn that a person's recent past behavior is a good predictor of present and future behavior. He definitely did a repeat. It was a mistake to take him back, but as long as you learn from the mistake, you'll likely make better decisions in the future. Block him so you can have closure. He no longer deserves access to you, especially when he has another dry spell. Take care.

I hope you continue to volunteer there, even if she doesn't respond or just wants to be friends.

If a person is working full time, they usually get at least one lunch break and possibly a short 15 minute break, besides. So if he had the desire to find out how your day is going, and the pleasure of hearing your voice, don't you think he'd do this? You say you understand, but you're giving him an excuse because you hope he's not reaching out for some practical reason and that he doesn't really care. My guess is that he's too cowardly to break up, so he's hoping if he ignores you, that you will fade away without drama, or that you break up with him, so he can avoid that hard task. If it makes you feel better to not throw in the towel before trying one last thing, tell him you love hearing his voice and how his day went, so if he has a break from work, that you'd be happy to hear from him. He must have days off. Of course it's healthy for him to also spend time with friends and family, just as you should be doing, but if his time with them is far more often than time with you, then perhaps you should receive the message. And at that point I'd tell him: This relationship no longer works for me. Most people have many relationship in their youth, learning from each of them. You now have some good experience under your belt, knowing what you definitely don't want in a relationship. That'll be good knowledge for you, moving forward.

When you say "our friends," are these all male friends you two hang out with, or other couples, or single people of both genders? Since he's changed by going out more often, and there is an unhealthy balance weighing too lightly on the time he spends with you, perhaps he feels the relationship is stale and he's trying to find some sort of fulfillment through that. A tough spot for you, as if you tell him to stay home more often with you rather than going out with his friends, he might end up resenting you. In your shoes, I might try shaking things up with new stuff you've never done before. You have a new apartment, so why not have friends over for a small dinner or lunch party, and make it a theme party, such as everyone has to wear a hat? See if he wants take a dance class with you, like salsa or tango, etc? If he's so social, and you're not, why can't you bend a little and do a little more in that area? And if he sees you making an effort, maybe a future conversation can be had about him bending too, about him cutting back a little for the health of your relationship. He might be more amenable if things start being a bit more fun with you two in your together time. You should realize because you make him almost your entire world, and are lacking in your own friendship circle and a hobby, that he can feel quite smothered. Perhaps he's reacting to that feeling after so many years of it. As for the chores, since cooking isn't working as his assignment, have him at least do his own laundry. He can't get away with not doing that, unless he's okay wearing smelly clothes. Don't be a doormat and do everything while he's having all the fun. I'd be concerned about how much he actually cares if he doesn't mind you being tired and also doing all the chores. That's what a mom for a tiny tot does--not what you should be doing when you have a grown man in the house. Also, since you're saving for a house, what is his part in that since he spends money for a gym membership and is spending money on his regular outings with friends and family? How is he in handling finances? Good luck and let us know how it goes.

How do you think all these people partnered up and found friends to do these activities with? It wasn't by expecting the worst of others, that they'd be ignored when initially beginning a conversation with them. I think it's too much pressure for you to be asking out a pretty, extroverted woman you've just met whom you have a crush on. From my experience when I volunteered at the zoo, I noticed how, for the manager who oversaw volunteers, that they chose a very charismatic people person, because of course volunteers are free labor, and that type of manager could better retain those free volunteers. What you should be doing is setting goals at those types of events. Such as going up to three different strangers during the event, and just say, Hi, I'm XYZ. I just started volunteering here. And then ask them something, like what their favorite piece was, or anything organic that would fit naturally into conversation. And you could start by whom you would least be intimidated by, and work up to those people you would find to be more challenging. If they ignore you, or don't seem interested, oh well. You're still meeting your goal and practicing social skills. But I believe more often than not, you will receive a positive response because I know I would treat someone kindly who did this. And I can't be the only one. My husband is gregarious and talks up numerous strangers while we shop, and they always respond positively. It's just a word or two and you never see them again. Build that concrete foundation of social skills first before venturing into asking women out, when a decent one will expect you to have a fulfilling life other than her.

When she at one time thought it was okay to flirt with another man when she had a bf, what makes you think her ethics have changed and that she'd be outstanding gf material? When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

So, Jupana, after reading all this advice, what is your plan of action?

Repetitive, numerous conversations over several years about this same subject. Sounds mentally draining. I don't know why you ever found this relationship satisfying. If a person can't get rid of emotional baggage or is lying for attention, they are dating material. Dating is supposed to be about having fun together, but of course there will be times of regular life stressors. Learn the difference between normal, inevitable stressors versus stressors people create because they are toxic.

You began this relationship when your brain wasn't fully formed in the decision making area. Now, it should be at its fully formed adult level. So put it to work, lady, and let your brain override your heart. He's learned and embraced the family dynamic of manipulation, exclusion, abuse, etc. I know all about that because I dated my first love for two years as a teen. But even then, I was wise enough to get out of that situation, because I would not allow someone to control me in that way. When someone regularly stresses you out for irrational reasons, which this is, it should be a dealbreaker for anyone who practices self-love. What would I now do in your shoes? Meet with him in a public place, which you have privacy to talk but there are people within the vicinity to come to your aid if he acted out in a crazy way. I'd tell him: This relationship isn't working for me. No discussion or any changes will no longer make any difference. We need to go no contact for closure. I will treasure the memories that are good, and I wish you the best. If I were you, I'd confide to family what you're doing, so they will know that he might be seeking an passage to you through them, and they will know not to answer the door and phone. It might be a good time for you to take a vacation or stay with family or a friend because manipulative controllers have a really hard time letting go. I know that the boy I broke up with brought his brother and sister to my house for support and tried to talk me into reconciliation. He also met my mother outside of her work at the end of her shift, which scared her half to death. You have to be firm in no longer speaking to him, because when you give him an inch, he'll take a mile. It will take you probably a good 6 months to even a year to mourn and heal after so long together. During this time, read about what healthy relationships are and make a list of must-haves and dealbreakers. Because when you become ready to date again, you don't want to repeat the same mistakes of staying eons to long with someone who possesses a dealbreaker. Take care and let us know how it goes.

Haven't you ever heard the term "hiding in plain sight?" That's what he's obviously doing. There is a difference between unjustified jealousy and justified jealousy. You're coo-coo for staying one more second with this jerk, but you're not they type of coo-coo he's saying you are for being uncomfortable with inappropriate nonsense. Whatever improvements you've seen are not enough. Dump him so you're free to find a man who knows how to be a decent partner.

It's normal at your age for some friends to fade away, and for immature bickering to be happening, etc. Now that they are not good people to be hanging out with, start thinking about some activities/clubs/volunteer work you can do for the summer, where you can meet some new buddies. Volunteer work is often required by schools before you can graduate, so it'd be good to get some hours under your belt. Even if it's not required, it'd be good to place on your resume when applying for jobs in the future. Zoos are a fun place to volunteer at. Take care.

Does your bf know all this? That a marriage might not happen because you will abide by your parents decision?