Andrina

Lots of great comments from all the posters. I will add that you have to think about why someone seeks out long distance on OLD unless you live in a podunk town. In his case, my guess is that he could more easily, temporarily hide the fact he's a player, and gets what he wants quicker with these marathon weekends together. I'm going to guess you did the majority, if not all, of the traveling to him. He got what he wanted--intimacy with a new woman, and then when the new became old for him, she would live far enough away that he wouldn't be bumping into her, and far enough away so she wouldn't show up at his home or work to plead for reconciliation. When single, I did OLD for several years. I limited my dating to local, which has far more pros than LDRs. It still wasn't easy, but I could quickly vette prospects a lot quicker, we could date at a normal pace, and neither of us would have to uproot our lives if things worked out. People are drawn into the fantasy of a small world with social media, but reality quickly rears an ugly head in LDRs. I made plenty of mistakes myself, but as long as you learn from the mistakes, you'll get better at this difficult yet important goal of finding the right guy.

Why did you begin things in the first place when you knew her situation? You had sex twice and now you want to put on the brakes? You have two choices. Either tell her that you two will go no contact and in 10 months, you will contact her and see if she is single and wants to give dating you a chance. Or, continue dating her, knowing she will gradually be moving away from her feelings from her ex, as long as she blocked him as a contact, and hopefully growing to care for you in the way all couples want. You are already invested too much to get out of this like a robot without feelings. Sorry, but you always have to be vulnerable when it comes to love interests. But do realize the psychology of your self-talk. Instead of telling yourself that taking a chance on someone is terrifying, tell yourself that the person is worth a shot, if in fact she is, and if it all falls apart, you're resilient enough to handle anything. Most experience heartbreak, and most go through the normal stages: mourning, healing, moving on. Feel confident you will do the same, since the alternative is living in a safe bubble--safe but lonely.

If your wife was writing the same thing on a forum about a guy at work she couldn't stop thinking about, would you give her a plan of action to become friends with him? You don't love your wife if you're trying to become friends with a woman you can't stop thinking about. Doesn't matter if you never bedded her. My advice is to divorce, be alone for a year, and then ask a single woman out. Leave the engaged woman alone. She doesn't want a married man fantasizing about her and making plans to be "buddies." Keep asking others for advice for major decisions because your decision making skills are definitely in need of improvement.

Lots of good replies. One thing I was wondering is who will be your son's guardian when you and your husband pass away, and where does that person live according to your husband's cousin's province? I will add that sometimes doing business with relatives can ruin a good, familial relationship if things go south. If you do go for the house, I'd definitely get the home inspected and not just rely on what the cousin says about it. For myself, I'd probably be more likely to take the deal if it involved 2 or less years of just seeing my hubby on weekends. I think 6 years would be way to long for me. But of course, that's a decision you and your husband will have to come to a consensus on. Does the cousin have an end date for this offer? Was the house recently vacated, or has it been vacant for years?

Don't you see a pattern of bailing? She's crappy dating material. Who cares about her birthday when she hasn't even replied to you for two days? Would you do that to anyone? Do you base your decisions solely on looks and anything goes for a woman's behavior? Your self-esteem is in the gutter if you don't block and delete after all of this.

Speaking as a woman, if a guy I was totally into asked me out and I was going out of town, I'd say: "I get back from visiting my family on (date given). I'm free on the Saturday after that. Would that work for you?" Hold out for the a woman who's into you. She seems to be okay with flirty attention, but just not that into you enough to date. The ball was in her court to give you an alternate date, or to ask you out when she got back from her vacay. She'd didn't lob the ball back, so stop pouring your time and energy into a dead end. You can't buy a person's love, so no on the flowers. Save that for a woman you've been dating a few months. I'd just delete her as a contact, since communicating with her will cause problems with a new love interest. The good thing about university is that you will be meeting the most single women you will ever meet in your lifetime. Good luck in meeting someone great for you.

Better to take a risk than not to try at all. It's actually good you can avoid her after labor day if the answer is no, but if it's yes, it could change your entire world, and hopefully for the better.

Is this a brand new friend group? Just get to gradually know her. It's not like a person has chemistry with anyone they meet, so just because those two guys are attracted to her, doesn't mean she'd be interested in them. If you act overeager like it's some race to the finish line, you'll scare a woman away. And no, you never tell someone you've never been on a date with how you "feel." You simply look for signs she might say yes if you asked her out, then you ask her out. She will know you are interested if you ask her to get together for something that's clearly a date. She will then have the chance to give an excuse if she's not interested, and if that's the case, don't press her and ask again. If a woman is interested but busy the day you want to meet, she will always come up with an alternated date. Telling a woman how you feel will make her feel awkward, and there's no squirming out of that. Save sharing feelings for when you actually date someone long enough to become boyfriend and girlfriend. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I'm sorry for the hardships you've faced. As for telling a woman you're a virgin or lying about it, I see no need to bring it up at all. I would've been annoyed if, when I was first dating, if a guy asked me if I was a virgin or if he expected me to bring this up in conversation. I actually don't think you should start dating until you lose the assumption women will think of you as a loser. You're not the only person who has experienced hardships in this world. My cousin developed a rare form of tuberculosis right after her marriage and had to give up her teaching career to rest at home, and put her plans of motherhood on hold for a solid decade. I got my first college degree when young but found that the career it led me to didn't earn much, so I went back to college in my late 20s to earn another degree, and I accomplished this while I already had two young children. In college, I actually found a group of older students like myself and we created our own study groups. You're going to have to gradually work on developing a more positive mindset that you're a good person with a lot to offer to some lucky woman. Read books and articles on how to redirect negative thoughts into more positive ones. Beating yourself up will do nothing more than attract toxic bullies into your orbit. They'll smell your low self-esteem from miles away and target you as prey. Whereas mentally healthy people are more self-aware to recognize and reject toxic people, and will attract other people who have their crap together. When asked about your relationship history, just be truthful, that a family member's death affected you greatly and you couldn't concentrate on education or dating. But now you're ready to get on with your life and you're taking steps to meet your goals. Nothing to be ashamed of, so don't act like it. Take care.

There are times it's good to communicate your wants, but I'm not so sure I'd do that in this case. He might feel too much like it's a parent, demanding to know his whereabouts. He also might see this as a needy whining. What might I do in your shoes? If his Instagram is a constant stressor for you, delete him as a contact. I'd continue connecting to him in the ways and amounts you are comfortable with, and have a wait-and-see attitude to see if he improves in the way you like to be connected. These are the beginning stages to see if you two are compatible. I know when I was single and dating, there was one guy who didn't like to be connected unless he was calling to make a date for us to get together. With the man who ended up becoming my husband, he'd text a few times a day, call me once in the evening, and make dates with me 2 or 3 times per week. I enjoyed his style of being connected. At 16, this guy likely won't become your lifetime partner, so try not to be so serious about certain things. This is a time to have a fun companion to spend time with, but make sure you keep a well-rounded life besides being someone's partner. Keep up with your time with friends, hobbies, and everything else that keeps you busy in life. If you start nit-picking about minor things, he'll move to things more pleasurable in life and exit from your life if the cons start overriding the pros. Good luck.

Some of the qualities you list as must-haves are reasonable. But it'd be in your best interest to loosen up on things you enjoy that could be found in friends or family instead. Such as the traveling. Although my husband has done some traveling with me, he doesn't like certain destinations and at one point had a problem with his foot and couldn't do a lot of walking, so I've taken plenty of trips with girl friends. And if you like deep, intellectual discussions about certain topics, how about joining book discussion groups, auditing a college course with a likeminded friend and having discussions about it, or doing volunteer work (museum? historical site?) where you can share your knowledge with interested people. Or creating your own biblical study group. Relegating some wishes elsewhere will widen your pool of candidates.

The only closure you need is to comprehend he's a jerk. Why grill a jerk? I'm sure he must've been waving red flags far sooner than this that you likely ignored. When you get some distance from all this, perhaps you will find areas you can learn from. It's time to pamper yourself while you mourn this loss, and with proper self-love, you should heal in time, and then move on. For the future, local dating is more ideal, and you can date at a normal pace. With LDRs, there is too much time apart along with too much time together when you do visit one another. Take care.

She's just not into you but temporarily liked having a fan, but ultimately she realized not putting up clearer boundaries bit her in the butt. Start thinking of her as just another co-worker to be pleasant to and no more. Delete her contact info and from social media. Probably no reason to have each other's phone numbers for work, but of course, if that's needed, nothing you can do about that. Otherwise, deleting all the social media connection will be good for closure. No need to be in contact because you can't be friends when you two have different relationship goals. You can't bond with a new love interest if you're hung up on a dead end. The sooner you take steps to move on from this, the sooner you'll be ready for new possibilities.

If my husband was going out of his normal area to take a lady co-worker to lunch, I'd be filing divorce papers. In normal friendships, people don't use each other. This isn't a run-of-the mill friendship. You two are overly involved, not conducive to either of your marriages. As far as a crush, there's a difference between a momentary idea of seeing a charismatic new co-worker and thinking, "Wow, if we were both single, I'd certainly give that a go," versus amping up a friendship with daily contact and relishing inside jokes and as for you, venting about your marriage which I'm assuming you mean by when you say you share your personal life with him. So what is your plan of action? Don't think you can work on your marriage AND not make any changes with your mentor. I know what emotional affairs look like because in my first marriage, my husband and I were each in minor emotional affairs with our respective co-workers and it caused many arguments. We ultimately divorced due to his depression. But anyway, labels don't matter even if you don't think you're in an emotional affair and excusing your behavior because you think everyone has crushes. Regardless, when you're pouring more emotional energy and time into someone more than you're doing with your husband, know that your husband doesn't deserve that, even if he's lacking as a husband. Fix things with him or break up, and then you'll be free to give another single man all the attention you want.

Because of your lack of a satisfying emotional connection with your husband, you've allowed yourself to be drawn into an emotional affair, whether it be one-sided or not. When taken, someone you share chemistry with, like a co-worker, is exactly the person you have to be extra careful with and keep your mindset at: He's just another co-worker. And just because your husband is okay with your colleague friendship, doesn't mean this friendship should continue. If he knew what was going on in your brain about your co-worker, he wouldn't be okay with your friendship, unless he's totally checked out and doesn't care if you divorce. What you've started needs to go in reverse. That means no more meeting for meals inside or outside of work. It means only talking about work and no more about personal lives. Because you two have become so close, I'm afraid you should have the awkward task of having a talk with him so that he's not questioning your change in behavior. What would I say in your shoes? "I have to talk to you about something awkward but important. My husband and I are working on our marriage, and I've found that having a close male friend co-worker is crossing boundaries in my situation. I have to pour all my emotional energy into him to fix things, so I have a favor to ask. Let's keep our communication solely on work. Thanks for understanding." As another poster suggested, pull out all the stops--counseling, reading up on injecting a spark back into the relationship, and applying the advice. If you give this a good year and you're still not feeling it, then yes, you've probably outgrown the relationship. As for your husband, be concrete on what you want from him, instead of being vague. Such as, instead of saying you'd like more affection from him, a more concrete request would be: I'd like you to sit by me on the couch while we watch XYZ show and caress my hair. Though it's not very satisfying to ask for this, and it might at first feel robotic, know if he does he cares and wants to please you, and then it might eventually feel more natural. Even if you did leave your husband, it doesn't mean you should jump into something else. You should be alone a good year and find out who you are as a single person, especially since you began this relationship as a very young adult. And even if this co-worker became single doesn't mean he'd be the ideal partner even though you two get along. Do you really think his wife would be happy if she knew the extent of his friendship with you? Good luck and let us know how it goes.

What are you? Like around 25 years old and you don't want to start over? You probably have 60 or more years left on the planet. Why live in frustration with someone you regularly clash with--a person who doesn't care you're exhausted and how she's played a bait and switch with you? Doesn't act like a team player with you--not making decisions together for the best interest of the both of you. She doesn't even truly love you, since she said she'd be gone in a heartbeat if it weren't for your salary, but you find all of this less stressful than starting over and have the chance to find someone you can be actually happy with? With some distance from all of this, perhaps you'll be more clear-headed and shake your head at why you stayed a day longer after ending the ineffective marriage counseling.

If there is just one in a hundred, keep on going until you find her. Otherwise, you're settling plus setting yourself up in a relationship that's frustrating and upsetting.

Look at Meetup.com groups in your area. Plenty around my area have groups that meet up for hiking, going to festivals, kayaking, bicycling. Some are geared to anyone interested in socializing. Some are specific to singles in a particular age group. You could also take dance lessons in whatever type seems fun to you. Or do volunteer work at a local zoo or museum. This should give you practice in being more approachable, and they are opportunities to meet women in a less stressful way than OLD.

Just as friend relationships can change, whether growing or lessening or the dynamic is evolving, so can sibling relationships change. Do you have any friendships besides the one you have with your sister? If not, she might be feeling smothered, and it sounds like she no longer wishes for this standing Monday get-together. What would I do in your shoes? I'd probably take the hint and stop going there without an invite. Let her take the lead, for now, in efforts to get together with you. Perhaps she will develop a new pattern you'll have to respect to remain in her life. I would still, however, ask to pick up the kids once a week or every other week for an outing since you're obviously attached to them and they value you as a wonderful, involved auntie. Take care.

Then that's who you need to avoid right now, in every way, until you decide to either end things with your husband or work on the marriage. If he or she is crossing boundaries with you, a taken woman, know that the person has poor ethics and isn't good partner material if you were to divorce. In 15 years, you haven't made any friends? Isn't that on you? Decent people finish one relationship before beginning another. Only you know your heart and whether or not you want to save this marriage. If you want to save it, since communication hasn't worked, do instead of talk. Look at articles on how to reestablish an emotional connection with your partner. Buy massage oil, and you can trade foot rubs or back rubs while watching TV. If you don't have date days/nights, get a babysitter at least once a month and do something fun, and not just the same old dinner and a movie. Be creative. Go to a couples store and buy some new stuff together for intimacy in the bedroom Write a note on everything you appreciate about him. With your efforts, perhaps he will begin making his own effort. If he doesn't, you can either then call it quits or ask he attend marital counseling with you. With all of that, at least you can feel good about pulling out all the stops before calling it quits. Even if you do divorce, give yourself and children a good year to get used to the new family dynamic. The kids needs your full attention instead of your focus being on some new love interest. Kids need time to adapt before you jump into a dating situation, much as you're chomping at the bit with your desires.

I'm assuming she was too far away to meet in person. I find it crazy for anyone in high school or college to even have the need for online dating, since at school, you likely encounter at least a hundred women your age per day in all of your classes. Don't you ever find anyone attractive at school, or hanging out with neighborhood friends and they introduce you to more friends? IMO, people who seek out long distance cyber relationships either have social anxiety, or they have something to hide, or they aren't emotionally ready for an in-person relationship. Meeting in person is reality, rather than building a fantasy idea of who a person is you've never seen in person. If you can't meet with a person within a two week time frame, best not to waste time in any investment of a high risk thing. My suggestion is to get off the Internet and engage with people in person. Join some clubs you're interested in to find a larger pool of dating prospects. Good luck.

This is supposed to be the vetting stage, to see if it's best to stay or move on. Yes, people normally show their partners love in whatever comes naturally, according to their love language. They don't have to match, but when you communicate what you need to feel loved and that request is reasonable, a person who cares would want to please you and make an effort. You tried communication and you were met with anger. I'd take this as a huge sign it's time to exit.

It's hard not to drive yourself crazy about if he's telling the truth or became interested in someone else. Ultimately, it doesn't matter, because whether he thought long and hard with a clear head about breaking up, or did it because he's in a skewed mental state, he's too high of a risk as a partner if you two reconciled. It's best to expect he'd repeat the pattern of bailing when life gets rough. I was married to a depressed man in my first marriage and had my share of my former spouse isolating himself. It's one common behavior trait among depressed people who go off meds or can't quite get the right dosage or type of meds that will work well with their bodies. Though it's hurtful to you that you haven't heard from him, it's actually better for you to be able to gain closure. If I were you, I'd even block his number so he doesn't bring you back to square one in the healing process if he happens to call. Whenever I had breakups, it'd take a good 4 to 6 months to stop thinking daily of my ex. Know this is normal, and hopefully, you'll get through this process well with self-care.

As taken people, you're both acting inappropriately. You can be assured you're crossing boundaries when you imagine your partner being in the room. Would you have said, and done, and allowed all of these things anyway? If I was your partner and a fly on the wall, witnessing all this, I'd say: No thanks. I'm outta here. Just because she might be breaking up with her long term partner doesn't make it ethically right to be touchy feely with you and to have sent a photo of herself to you, even if she recalled it. So just know if you got back together with her, that she clearly lacks relationship boundaries, so you've been warned. When you have arguments, she might reach out to her ex, seeking out HIS attention. You have two ways you can play this: 1. Break up with your girlfriend and ask your ex wife to reconcile. Even if she says no, a breakup with your girlfriend should happen first, because she doesn't deserve having this stuff done behind her back with your divided heart. 2. Decide you want to grow your relationship with your gf, but to be a decent bf, you will have to create better boundaries with your ex. Conversation should be solely about the kids. No more conversing about anything else. No more family dinners. Not appropriate when you're dating someone else. The birthday parties some would say are okay. IMO, those should be separate as well. She can celebrate her own time with the kids without your family. I have a stepdaughter and I wouldn't have enjoyed having my husbands ex around for all of those celebrations. I expected to be around the ex for my stepdaughter's graduation and if she ever had a wedding. I can deal with that, but other than that, it's too much. You have to consider what's conducive to a new partnership, not get all emotional about your ex not having family in the area. Kids adapt and can have more than one birthday celebration with each of the parents. It might be more confusing to them with all this togetherness and their parents flirting. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

When he agreed to meet up with you, he could have chosen to meet when he was off-duty, which he did not. To me that speaks volumes. I don't know the legalities in regards to his profession, but it might be similar to a psychiatrist not being able to date his patient. It could be a big no-no under these circumstances. If you feel mentally ready to date, I suggest joining some Meetup.com groups for singles in your age group. It's a lot less stressful than OLD. Take care.