Andrina

If you've already had numerous chats, why hasn't he cared enough about you to stop the sarcasm to please you? I don't know how you've addressed this, but you might be a bit stronger this time and tell him that every time he's sarcastic, it causes you to feel bitter, and you're afraid the bitterness will eat away at your love like a cancer.

Well, you will have to make sure your brain overrides your heart. If all you have is chemistry to build on, and the basic must-haves are lacking, one being that you argue far too much for the relationship ever to be satisfying, then your foundation will be like a sand castle, always crumbling. If you find alcohol regularly causes problems in your life, consider stopping that habit. What is your relationship history? What has been the cause of your past breakups, and what has your longest relationship been?

It's bizarre that someone who's regularly swamped with business would agree to date someone an hour and 15 minutes away. But anyway, even if YOU are not swamped with work, unless you live in a podunk town with very few prospects, it's best to limit dating to a bit closer distance that's doable. It takes a lot of sifting through sand to find the treasure, so don't be spending a lot of money this early on, such as you did with the gift card. Save that for someone who you have gotten past the honeymoon stage with, and it looks like it's heading to longterm. Your mistake is your double and triple texting after no response. If a person needs poking and prodding and isn't excited to contact you regularly, why would you want any more to do with her? Not everybody has the ethics, guts, decency, whatever you want to call it, to tell you they no longer want to communicate/date, etc. So when that's the case, you have to realize that their lack of contact means the same thing, even though they haven't voiced that to you. So my advice is to consider that the words and the actions have to match, that you shouldn't put in one-sided effort, and that it's okay to tell someone, "This relationship isn't working for me" if a person is lacking in any must-haves. In this case, she has faded away, so let her and block her number, so that she doesn't waste your time in the future if she's having a dry spell.

Why do you have zero days off? Do you two live beyond your means? You say you can't afford therapy. Since you feel the need to save the marriage, think about ways you could cut costs, if any, to afford therapy either for yourself or couples counseling. Do you pay for cable? You could cut that out and pay a lower cost for Internet only, buy an antenna. It's not like you two have a lot of time to watch t.v. anyway. You could get takeout or have dinners out less often, if that is the case. And then when money is gained for therapy, you could let your wife know the seriousness of the matter and say: I don't see myself living like this the rest of my life. I'd like to attend couples counseling with you because I love you and want this to work out. And then if she refuses and thinks you're bluffing, you can attend some therapy sessions yourself, and let her know you're doing this. Sometimes that's enough to shake a partner up that there is a serious watershed moment happening. You can also change your own behavior, alerting your partner that if she won't evolve with you, that you're seeking fulfillment in other ways. To have her see you in a different light, and have you enjoying life without her, how about starting a new hobby where you're out of the house once a week. Take your daughter somewhere fun without Mom once a week, like a father-daughter breakfast, to the park, etc. Since she's not responsive to your constant touches and kisses, stop that behavior. One-sided effort shouldn't be rewarded. Start having guy time with a friend or two. Let her know what life life will be like without your presence and attention. As the saying goes, the best way to change someone else's behavior is to change your own. How you've behaved in the past hasn't resulted in any positive changes, so try reacting to what she says differently, and behave differently. If you're living beyond your means, perhaps think about moving and downsizing to relieve your financial stress. I don't know your circumstances, and if this is feasible. Just an idea.

Now that you've written this, that is a major difference in life goals. You both apparently make good money. You own a house. Why would he want to wait to become engage after knowing you a full 5 years? You would be unwise to let this slide and hope for the best on this very major issue. Hoping things will change is foolish. Having a partner who shares life goals in the timeline that you want is essential. Perhaps if you don't want children, this issue wouldn't be as dire. But if you do want children, you don't want to hope for the best, have him in 3 years say maybe after seven years, and then you'll end up breaking up and scrambling to find another man before your window of being able to become pregnant is still open. Good luck.

Well, an acquaintance/new friend doesn't owe you any particular amount of texting. Friendships form and thrive when two people are happy with the amount of communication. If you're unsatisfied, it means the person doesn't mesh well with you as a friend. So this is one of your mistakes. Your expectations are not realistic. So who hasn't been hurt in the past? I would think in this situation it has more to do with: This man is fresh out of a relationship, so he's not good dating material. I'm glad you're receiving therapy, and on top of that, it'll be in your best interest to not have the goal of not getting hurt again, because that's an unrealistic goal. Your goal should be to note red flags and dealbreakers, and to act quickly to cut that person loose as soon as you see a person is not good dating material. Your goal should be to date wisely, and know your heart and brain must be equal partners in choosing a man. So, in reading the negative things you wrote about this man, you let your attraction for him override the red flags. You subconsciously think you deserve to feel crappy so his dysfunction seems comfortable to you. I would avoid dating until you get to a better mindset through therapy, because clearly you're not ready to choose an appropriate man. Concentrate, for now, on building a satisfying life solo. Take care.

I've been there. Would have my co-workers begging for more horror stories that were so terrible they were, in a way, hilarious. Yes, it's a lot of sifting through sand to find the treasure. I can't say that I have a thick skin, but my eye on the prize kept me going. Hang in there!

What came to mind is love languages. Do you think that "Acts of Service" is his how he mainly shows his love to you? Perhaps he feels like he's barred from this, and is acting out. I just wanted to ask what he's like in other areas. What do you two do together to enjoy life? Does he handle his money well/not a spendthrift, frugal in good way but also having fun money? How does he treat his own family? Does he have any good friends? According to what you will charge him when he lives with you--I think it's a big mistake to only charge him half of the utilities and groceries. Certainly, he shouldn't pay half the mortgage, but you are giving him shelter. I would guess what he'd be paying you would amount to about $325 per month. Is it really fair that he be able to pack his savings account with oodles of money he doesn't have to pay an apartment landlord, whereas perhaps you have no money left after all your bills are paid to pad your savings account. He'd be paying at least $800 a month for a studio, depending on location. You should at least tack on $200 for rent besides half the utilities and groceries. He's still getting a bargain. As far as his urge to help, I'd sit him down when both of you are mellow and tell him that it's great he wants to fix up the house, but that how he's been regularly upset and how he's communicating his upset to you, is stressing you out. Tell him you enjoy your dad's company, and your bf is going to have to do some bending in that area, and then you can tell your bf in what ways you will bend. (Come up with that plan, and then present it). You are a team and need to come up with a consensus. And if you begin using your dad less for house repair, make sure you two just meet for lunch to get in Dad and daughter time. And yes, do discuss the financial plan and chore plan BEFORE you two move in together, to make sure you're on the same page. If he won't communicate about that, this is a major hurdle to achieve a happy union. What is it about him that makes him a great prospect for a lifetime partner? Just curious how you came to this decision, and making sure you're just not going with the flow and have thought about it in great detail.

You are way too intense and instead of this being a relationship of mainly having fun together, you're mistakenly thinking you're bonding and growing closer by divulging your past trauma. Work and college is stressful, so one would want to spend their little bit of leisure time with fun activities and lighthearted communication like "I love and miss you." Not like the pile of rocks you unloaded onto his chest, quoted below: I'd be running for the hills, too, if I were subjected to that. Do you have any girlfriends and hobbies, or are you a a member of a college club? If not, I'd start getting fulfilled with those friendships and activities, while seeking therapy to ditch your unhealthy emotional baggage. You could also read books on the subject, and begin practicing skills to achieve that, since therapists usually have a long waiting list. Do you feel the need to always have a bf in your life? I was that way myself in my teens, and I'd wished I'd allowed myself to learn who I was as a happy solo act for a good long while, since I ended up marrying too young to a guy who wasn't right for me. Good luck and find ways to enjoy your summer as a footloose and fancy free single.

What you see as caring is controlling. Giving your constant location to a mere stranger, for all intents and purposes? Dangerous and ridiculous. You're a grown woman and did just fine keeping yourself safe for 30 years. What's he going to do, call 911 when you fail, after 3 hours, to answer his call? Or show up at the bar you're at when you don't reply to his text to see if you're unconscious with the other patrons walking over your body? As for you, think about how you contributed to the mess. With this statement, sounds like you've regularly made accusations about other girls. You're not ready to date until ditching emotional baggage. If you can't date a guy without making hi pay the price for crimes your exes committed, then don't date. This guy sounds like a jerk, so you're definitely not ready to date when you would likely take him back. Also know that LDRs that don't start locally, whereas a solid foundation has been built first, have a very high risk of failure. When ready to date again, how about trying some Meetup. com groups for singles in your age group? Take care.

You can change your self-talk to be more positive and productive. You can think: If a break up happens, I'll be upset, but eventually I'll be okay and move on. The way you're operating is like trying to herd cats. Make things more simple and compact. Realize that the only person you can control is yourself. Be yourself, which is good enough for your best friend, for you, and for everyone who loves you. So if that's not good enough for a man you're dating, then he's not the right man for you. You also have control over being the best girlfriend you can be. And again, if that's not good enough for a guy, then it's best that you two part so you can find a many who is crazy about you for the longterm. You're in the honeymoon period, so this every weekend has become a pattern, but counting on that and anticipating dread if the pattern is interrupted is doing yourself a disservice. If he makes plans with a friend on a weekend, plan in advance some activities you can look forward to when he's otherwise engaged. I also think it'd be wise for you to pick one of this weekend days where you make other plans that don't include him. Even as you see one friend during weekdays, you can do something with her or another friend on the weekend. This will show him that you are independent and have a full life besides him, and that if he doesn't treat you right, you're just find moving on. And if you're not okay with this intensity you've built with him without exclusivity, after this amount of time, I'd certainly address that. If you're afraid of losing him because of this sort of discussion, then he's not the right man for you. If he says something like: "It takes me a long, long time to decide to become exclusive with a woman." Then take that as a red flag because 3 months is plenty of time to know you well enough to want this, and if not, it's time to move on. If he's happy about this, then you can also be happy to achieve this new level. Don't be so laid back and mellow that you're a doormat. You don't say what his recent, past relationship history has been. It's good to note any patterns in regards to that. And you're fearing him leaving based on what's happening today since you're happy. But it's best to have a wait-and-see attitude and think: As long as he keeps treating me like the treasure I am, I want to continue on with him. If he stops putting in effort at any point, and treats me poorly, I have the self-love to end things, doing what's best for myself. Make it about what YOU want to do versus considering what he will do and how he's feeling. Give that power to yourself, and let go of what he will do because you can't know that. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

This is a good watershed moment to realize you need to deal with your issues of what you're fearing about a real romantic relationship. Yes, a skilled professional will help give you the skills to move out of this stage that's keeping you stagnant. Take care.

This is one of the possible consequences of mixing flirtations, romance, etc. in the workplace. When things go awry, you have to see that person most of the week. It's why many refuse to date a co-worker. She'll probably get bored of taking tantrums, but if she doesn't, I'm sure the impact of it won't affect you as strongly as time goes by. She's just making herself look like an idiot to her co-workers. You can't control other people, so just let her do her, and you keep your concentration on work. Even when people don't dabble in romance at work, they often end up dealing with difficult or toxic co-workers or management, so to me, it's par for the course.

More red flags. After, what, an hour together and he's already planning that each of you will regularly make 6 hour round trips to see each other, and on top of that, when he's a single father to a 5 year old? I don't even think he's telling the truth that he would be serious about doing this, but if he were, he's delusional that this would work. He's got only one goal--the schmoozing, leading to knocking boots, and then using those boots to make a mad dash away. Hold out for someone golden, not this piece of @#$%

Don't take this bait. He wants to hookup without putting in the effort it takes that a relationship leading to longterm would require. I wouldn't even bother replying. Logically, put yourself in his shoes. If you knew you were moving in 80 days, would you begin or continue being on a dating site in the city you were moving away from? I know I wouldn't. When something doesn't make sense, realize why. Take that date as good practice for yourself, that you felt confident, enjoyed yourself, and were a good conversationalist. You did it once, you can do it again. And good for you for not entertaining his selfish, bad idea. It's called vetting so that your precious time isn't wasted. Take care.

Remaining friends is very different than being friendly when encountering one another at a major family event, like a grown child getting married, and seeing each other at the hospital when your grandchild is born. Most women aren't going to date you when you're buddies with your ex-wife, as in communicating about things other than a crisis you have to talk about concerning your grown child, and getting together for fun activities. I don't know why you think the 20 years were a waste if you can't remain friends. I'm sure you had good experiences, and your children were born because of the union. And just because your marriage had become stale, and you couldn't wait for the excitement of being with another woman, doesn't mean you should've raced into that. Ever hear of delayed gratification versus instant gratification? It takes maturity to consider better outcomes when waiting until the time is right to pursue your goal. As said, better to first get a divorce and learn to be happy alone first, and get your life in order before dating. It's a more selfless thing to do than to waste a woman's time while you're still involved with your wife.

His mother's manipulation has psychologically affected him so deeply that it's extremely unlikely that he will ever be the partner you deserve. And I agree that besides his allowing his mother's abuse toward you, that he verbally abused you as well. I'm sorry for your heartbreak, losing your precious child. Regarding the possibility of staying with him and having more children with him will be the last thing you should do. No child should have to be subjected to the presence of this mentally ill woman. You would and should be fearful that if your marriage ended, that he and his mother would try to gain full custody of your child and might even try kidnapping the child if the courts gave you sole custody, or even partial custody. Are you really willing to risk this possibility? That alone should have you packing. You have the capability of loving someone else in the future who is mentally healthy and knows how to be a good partner. If I were you, I'd seek therapy after all you've been through. You certainly don't want to repeat this sick pattern when choosing another partner. Take care.

I don't know why you've always clung to this dissatisfying relationship from the very beginning. Could it be you haven't had enough dating experiences to know what a good relationship feels like? Could it be that subconsciously you don't think you deserve any better, because you lack self-worth? She could be suffering from depression, but if she wanted to seek help for that, she would've. Obviously, she's okay with the way she is and doesn't care enough about you or your relationship to make improvements. Good relationships grow to deeper levels of seriousness and fulfillment. This relationship is regressing, with more distance and space. Like, do you really think the idea that you're toxic fumes whereas your partner needs to move away from you versus moving closer is healthy? Love is only one element required for a satisfying relationship. Unfortunately, yours is missing many major elements. It's hard to move onto a new life, leaving what you're used to, but it's clear for your own good, how this needs to happen. When you get time and distance from HER, perhaps you'll see things a lot more clearly and accurately, and realize that you stayed far too long. Of course, nobody's saying to jump into another relationship. You need time to mourn, heal, and work on being happy solo before venturing into the dating world again. Take care.

I would gather what a guy's relationship history has been. Not in detail but in general, like what was his longest relationship. The reason for the ending of his last major relationship. You can get good info learning if there is a bad pattern or if he has the capability of being in a long term relationship, and it didn't end because he cheated, etc. Of course, a person might not be truthful, but most people's real selves will eventually come out. Past the honeymoon stage, see if a guy takes care of you when you're sick, comes to your aid when needed, is financially responsible, treats his family and friends well, makes you a priority, puts in equal effort. It takes a special person to be your lifetime partner.

Your self worth is in the gutter. Perhaps work on that first and maybe you'll have better luck in the dating world. Love doesn't conquer anything when one's major needs aren't met.

Perhaps you're fooling yourself that you don't bond through sex. Perhaps this might have been the case for you in the past, but things may have changed. You say you found out quicker by having sex with him who he really was. Well, IMO, if you're multi-dating, why not just enjoy beginning meet ups and dates with men with a wait and see attitude without giving the gift of your body. There are no guarantees, but a man whose goal is long term will likely have more patience, waiting to be intimate than the man whose sole goal is to bed you and then not stick around for the seriousness a committed relationship requires. So what if this takes a few months time? You will be going on fun outings, and taking several months to vette men is worth the lengthier time in the long run. There is a happy medium between a fast foot race and a marathon. Find that sweet spot.

Off and on relationships usually mean the relationship isn't right for you, and what you've written besides that confirms this. No sex. You don't feel like a priority. Nobody is holding you prisoner, so why aren't you leaving to find a satisfactory relationship?

How much longer until you're done with online classes until you get a degree? Is it leading to something where you're likely to be able to have a lucrative career? When you says he gets mad, what type of mad? Do you have a supportive family outside of your marriage? Not knowing the answers to these questions, the only thing I can say is that if it were me, I'd be making a plan to exit the marriage. I don't think he's worth trying to go to marriage counseling with, because that won't change the jerk he is. I'd perhaps see if you can supplement the online classes with adding a class in person if possible, telling him he can care for your child that one or two nights you're in class, if that's a safe request and he is kind to your child. If you mean he grumbles or barks to leave him alone, but doesn't physically abuse you or calls you names or insults you, you could stop doing his laundry and tell him you're too tired and something has to give. I don't know how you can stand being intimate after all this. Is there any way you can get a divorce ASAP. Could you live off the custody payments?

Yes, if she wanted help for her issues, she can seek that with professionals. Her sending you photos is actually manipulating you. It's common for friendships to run their course and end. I've kept some lifetime friends from my teen years, but the majority ended for various reasons, and good reasons. You've learned that behavioral patterns often repeat themselves, so in the future, maybe feel more confident about sticking to your initial decision of going separate ways.

I know how important it is to get your needs met in how much time you spend together. I, too, would like to no why all of a sudden he's working longer hours. When I did OLD, I remember at least once rejecting a guy with a very young child, because I was about to have an empty nest, and I wanted someone who had more time for me. You made the deal of being exclusive under particular conditions that are now changed. Do you mean that you meet halfway for dinner which is 40 min. for you and and hour for him, and that one of you drives an hour and a half for every other full weekends together? An hour and a half is a pretty hefty distance when people work and have full lives. And then since he has children and you don't mention if you do, I'm assuming it'd be you who would move by him when it's time to close the distance if it even gets that far. Are you okay with that? As for me, if he pooh-poohed my needs and didn't mention an ending date to longer working hours, then I might consider he's not the match I'm worthy of. You mention that you want ideas to bring up to him. But if he really cared as much about seeing you as much as you want to see him, he'd be equally coming up with ideas. Don't settle for crumbs and have to plead for someone's company.