Andrina

What is this, a farm? Why does he need to live on family property? In your situation as it is now, your SIL sounds bored and she apparently likes you. I know she annoys you, but if you're in total avoidance mode, you'll be creating a toxic foundation whereas all future gatherings will be full of tension, and you won't have the benefit of a fun relationship with your niece or nephew, who will likely be a playmate for your children if you plan on having children. What would I do? I'd probably actually make some plans with the SIL, getting to know her better. And then when you feel the need to place boundaries, with your regular friendliness, the boundaries will come across softer, i.e, when she follows you to the pool, you can say, "This is me and hubby's couple time. I hope you understand." Perhaps explain in one of your discussions with the SIL, whatever suits how you really feel, such as, "My work is stressful so I need a lot of solo time to decompress." Or, "Really, I'm an introvert, so I'm sorry if I appear tense at times, but I like to limit social activities so I'm not overwhelmed." As said, if you can't move, create a haven by planting fast growing tall trees to block your view from the other house, and put in a fence with a gate which you could even lock if they all still can't take a hint.

You can unfollow her on social media and not see her posts. I don't get what you mean by visiting twice a month. Do you mean they stay in your in-laws house for the weekend or what? What do you mean by your SIL not having boundaries. Does she knock on your door and hangs out in your home? Is your husband a wimp and won't speak up to set boundaries? Does he ignore your request of setting boundaries?

So it sounds like he's 27 yet can barely afford gifting someone with a $2.00 chocolate bar? What is his job, or is he unemployed? Do you have any standards for your partner's financial stability and work ethic? If this woman is just basically a social media friend, and barely more than that, would it be any sacrifice for him to end the friendship and come to a consensus with you about which relationship boundaries you're comfortable with? You might be letting things slide that you're not comfortable with because you're in the honeymoon stage. Be real with yourself about the relationship boundaries you'd prefer to stick with, and don't settle. Best not to invest any further time if your gut is telling you to beware.

What do you think of as the worst way to live a life? Forever short term casualness? Or an occasional breakup while possibly finding a forever person? I haven't personally known anyone who has jumped from person to person for brief, shallow sexual experiences for the longterm. Short term, sure. But I would think shallowness for a lengthy amount of time would get really old, really fast. Hard for FWBs to be on the exact same page for everything, because oddly enough, the loosey-gooseyness of boundaries or lack of boundaries, how often to communicate and about what, and how often to get together, etc. is a lot harder to navigate than clearer boundaries and accountability in an exclusive relationship. I'd work on resiliency in your therapy sessions, since IMO, and assuming you eventually really do want a life companion, occasional heartbreak is less egregious than being lonely for a lifetime, if you're the type who does value romantic companionship.

In what ways is he ex in his life? As far as the other stuff, you can train the self-talk going on in your brain. The only control you have is to be the best gf you can be, make sure you've chosen someone with similar ethics and dating goals, and to continue with a man with all your must-haves, and cut loose a man with dealbreakers. So have a fulfilling life BESIDES having a bf, and tell yourself daily that if the worst happens, you'll be upset like everyone is when a breakup happens, and then you'll heal and move on. There are no guarantees in life, so keep telling yourself you're resilient and will handle whatever comes your way. You don't have any other choice, so worrying about the unknown is a waste of time.

Given you have a decade together, I'd have a wait-and-see attitude, and reframe it as that, instead of the mindset of "giving her space." If you'll see the difference, you having the wait-and-see attitude is giving you power, instead of her having all the power. If she's truthful with the counselor, perhaps she'll be guided in the right direction, and apply those skills, if she indeed wants to repair the marriage. When she speaks to you tomorrow, listen without interruption. Of course, ask questions after fully listening, to clarify and understand. Before then, come up with your own list of topics and needs. For one, I'd ask for a particular time period per day, say, during an hour after dinner that is phone-free, where you two enjoy each other's company, whether playing DJ for each other, listening to music, watching a TV show you both enjoy, taking a walk, making a new dessert. Giving each other foot/back massages. Variety is great. Even if she wants "space" from you right now, it doesn't mean you can't at least voice your desires. Because the wait-and-see period should show whether she wants to please you by putting effort into what you wish, which are reasonable requests. In the meantime, since she's feeling smothered, give yourself some solo time. Is there a hobby you've always wanted to try? Get involved with that. If you've neglected friendships with guy friends, make some plans with them. Or if you do spend time with friends, continue and maybe do some different, fun activity with them to put back a little joy in your life. Any good concerts coming to your area, if you're into music? Ask a guy friend to go with you. I wouldn't voice this, but show in your actions that you're not a doormat and can create an enjoyable life without her if need be. That you can't be ignored and be mistreated without consequence. Do you have couples friends you've normally hung out with. Does she have female friends she does things with? Do you two have a group of friends. What have you two been doing in the last nine years in your leisure time, together and apart? Why did it take 8 years of dating to go to the next level of marriage? I can assure you you're not controlling. If she brings that up again, I'd tell her in a mellow tone how what the behavior for both of you in the past regarding opposite gender relationships is something you've been comfortable with. And now it's jarring and unacceptable for you to have the rules changed. I'm going to guess, but might be wrong, that she started this relationship before her brain was fully mature, which happens around age 25. And now that she's grown to her late twenties, what she wants now is a total 360 from what she wanted a decade ago. Perhaps she's stayed because she was afraid of change, and maybe too cowardly to break up. I don't know, but now is a watershed moment and perhaps you will soon get an answer. Until she makes some effort with you, assume the worst and start building a support system and a fulfilling life with solo activities and friendship activities so that a breakup won't be as devastating versus having her be the sole center of your universe. Take care and let us know how it goes.

I can see her no longer wishing to try for a baby with the poor state of your union, but yeah, not wanting to amp up interactions with you and not trying to better emotionally connect is very concerning. And now she's pooh-poohed your concerns about the male friend. It's not like a forever guy friend she's known since younger years, plus you've never met him. So she's choosing a new friendship that you have a right to feel wary about instead of being concerned about how that friendship is negatively impacting her marriage with you. Yes, please speak to her in person and not through messaging about important things. It's too bad her boundaries are no longer in line with yours. If it were me, and I wanted to save the marriage, I'd insist on marriage counseling and if my partner refused, I'd make plans to divorce because my marital rules aren't negotiable. Hard to work on a marriage when one or both is distracted by a third party. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

It's a really safe bet that even if you got back together, he would repeat the pattern of blindsiding you yet again with another breakup. As you thought things were going well, and there shouldn't be any dealbreakers for him such as you cheating, etc., then he's fallen out of love, or just a really messed up person who can't handle the average, minimal stress of a romantic relationship. I think when you get some time and distance away from him, that you will probably wonder why it wasn't you who did the breaking up, and a lot sooner. I know that happened to me when I wasn't with the right man. I definitely suggest severing all ties with him, including business. Think about when you're ready to date again and having to explain how you work closely with an ex, and if asked, if you were truthful, you'd divulge how you didn't want things to end and the ex did the breaking up. This makes you a high risk dating partner. Best to get closure now and be totally free of someone who has chosen his own freedom. Take care.

Perhaps the fact you two are young and your brains won't be fully developed until about age 25, you don't realize that this is a horrible idea. Until physically meeting, and then seeing each other regularly for a good long time, should such a plan like this go forward. Do not make an important plan like this, such as moving to another country for a stranger. A person can be far different in person than on a screen, and a person can hide a lot of things if they want to when you're thousands of miles away. Pretty, eighteen year old women who are emotionally able to fully handle romantic relationships will seek out local prospects, and in fact, will be swarmed by local guys and will have her choice. IMO, there are certain people who prefer LDRs versus local dating. Some have things to hide. Some aren't emotionally ready to handle dating in 3D. Some are unattractive and want a better-looking partner, knowing they can provide the attractive partner a better life in their country. A fair exchange in their eyes. There are a myriad of reasons. What is the reason you're seeking the most difficult type of relationship there is? It's expensive. You can't date at a normal pace. LDRs have a higher risk of failure when they start as an LDR. There's a high risk of scamming. If it actually worked on, one person has to be ripped away from a friends, family, career. You'll probably ignore everyone's advice and continue saving for a move. Always think of Plan B when Plan A doesn't work out. Also, people usually have many dating experiences from their teens and into their twenties. You don't even know yourself well enough at this point in time. So how will you know who is a good lifetime partner? That usually takes plenty of dating experiences with more than one partner to figure out. If you think she's acting aloof now, just wait until you move there and you've gone from never being together to being together 24/7. You're unrealistic that it will be magical. Too much pressure, too much, too soon. Even though she suggested it, she'll more likely think, "OMG, what if on our second date I'm not feeling it, and he's moved all this way?" Disaster.

Wow, I thought you'd be about 20 with no dating experience when I first read this. Someone your age should know that love takes a lot longer to truly grow, and buying jewelry at this early stage is too much. Perhaps your intensity at this early stage is too concerning for a woman. She wants you to fade away, so do so. Read some articles on successful dating practices.

So basically in your opinion he's a cheater. Since you didn't immediately break up with him after you found out, he sees you let it slide and it's not a dealbreaker. Know your standards and stick to them. He knew you thought strongly about strippers not touching him, and he took the risk, knowing he could lose you. He chose gratification with a stranger over a longterm girlfriend. Yeah, it would sicken me if my partner did the same, and it would be a dealbreaker to me. I kind of laughed at my husband's more than necessary boundaries when at Costco, a lady selling cologne or perfume put some on her wrist and held it out to my husband and he thought it inappropriate if he were to sniff her wrist, and didn't. Hold out for a man who matches your boundaries and makes you feel like a priority. And I did have a female co-worker who had a guy best friend. It was the case that the guy had wanted to date her, but she wasn't 100 percent attracted to his looks. They kissed once, but she wasn't feeling it. They both got with various partner, always staying friends. There is a chance your bf is lying and he did and does have a crush on his bestie, but she wasn't into him that way. And him calling her and his roommates gf goddesses isn't a platonic love of women friends. He is definitely noting that their gender really sticks out in his mind in more of a sexual way, with the way he speaks and acts. I think you're worthy of better.

I don't think she wants to rekindle. It's her way of relieving her conscience, even as she didn't really do anything wrong. She just feels bad that she knew you would've wanted to continue, but she wants to sow her wild oats. Her message doesn't require a response. There's ethically no right or wrong here, so the decision to reply or not is totally up to you.

You're not even dating and so it's really infatuation. For the future, it's best to have important discussions in person. That way, you can see a person's facial cues and body language. They can ask questions if needed. Texts often lack tone and clarity. What do you have to offer as a dating partner at the moment? Do you have the time, the energy, a sitter when needed, gas money and money for restaurant meals and outings to make an equal effort of dating someone an hour away? I'm just asking because I don't know your day-to-day situation. Babies bring much joy, but they also bring a lot of stress into a relationship, so it's best for a couple to be solid when a baby comes into the world, since so much time and attention has to be given to the child. I imagine getting a new partner at this stage is far more difficult when a dating interest isn't invested in the child and wants a partner who is free to go out a couple of times a week without a child in tow Of course, there are some people who can love another's child and is willing to give it a go. Take care and let us know how it goes.

Yes, the details in your story don't add up. You say you arrived in the U.S. 7 months ago. And then you say you were pregnant when you arrived, yet your daughter is now a year old. If you plan to overstay your VISA and get work illegally, expect to be tracked down by the federal gov't, and then you'll be barred from returning to the U.S. after you're deported. If you got along so well with your husband enough to get pregnant by him, what happened during the pregnancy that would warrant you divorcing him? Bringing any child around a new love interest, especially having the child around this man for days and weeks at a time is not in the child's best interest. You shouldn't let children get attached to a brand new partner where the stability of that relationship isn't solid. Children don't need to bond with people and then suffer if there's a breakup. I suggest you return to your home country and go through the normal routes of legal immigration into the U.S. And with a tourist VISA, you just can't leave for the allotted time and repeatedly come back to the U.S. just because you have a boyfriend in the U.S. That's a high risk person for overstaying their VISA. You're misusing your VISA because you're not vacationing. You wish to migrate and get a job. It's no wonder your relatives are no picnic to be around, because you should've gone home by now. They are feeding and housing two people who can't pay rent or buy groceries.

I still don't understand your mention of migrating and getting a job, because that's not possible on a tourist visa. How is your daughter a U.S. citizen?

I don't understand. If you're on a tourist VISA, isn't your 180 days up and you need to return to your own country? You're not allowed to work in the U.S. on a tourist VISA.

So she likes to have a male harem, and she smokes weed. What you see is what you get, so don't expect any of that to go away if you started dating her, which is probably unlikely because I'm assuming you're quite distant from her, which is why you've never met. If you eventually want children, you have to think about limitations of people who are on narcotics, even if they do it on a particular time schedule. If the school calls and says your child is sick, how will she pick them up from school when she's under the influence, and her career choices will be limited since many jobs require random drug tests. Since you're young, you might not have projected this far to the future, but you should. You're hiding behind a screen, less scary for you, but it's a fantasy that you're benefiting yourself by doing this. As said, best to get out in your local world. What would you enjoy? Book discussion groups? Co-ed sports team? Volunteering for Habitat for Humanity? Volunteering at a museum or zoo? So many things to choose from, and practice makes perfect in your social interactions. I'm shy too, but I did volunteer work in the past, at the zoo, rehabilitating a manatee, coaching my daughter's soccer team. I did those particular things not to meet a man because at the time I was in my first marriage, but I did have to interact with others, which was just great practice for that particular time in my life and benefited me in the future. Every minute you're pouring into this cyber space communication is pulling you away from more realistic and beneficial experiences locally and in person. IMO, you don't think very highly of yourself if this woman is all you think you're worthy of.

All of this behavior including the pattern of sweetness and groveling after the abuse, is of course abuse that will continue, but you already know this. You're only staying because if he goes through with suicide, that you will feel guilty and feel as though it's your fault. This is him acting out in emotional manipulation. You're allowing yourself to be kept hostage. If he threatened suicide, you can call 911 instead of sacrificing your happiness and be a prisoner for the rest of your life. And this verbal abuse often escalates into physical abuse, and sometimes homicide. As well as isolating your from friends and family. I don't know how old you are, where you live, if you're still at university or you work. I'm mentioning this because of his irrational behavior of showing up in your class. Because I probably wouldn't even break up with him in person, because he sounds dangerous, and he's not even worthy of that courtesy. I'd call him, and if possible, make yourself scarce if possible from where you would normally be, and warn your friends and family of your situation because he will try to track you down. And do get a restraining order if needed. Please don't pooh-pooh this suggestion, thinking he'd never go too far. He already has. I had a friend who was murdered by her estranged, abusive husband when she left him and got a restraining order. She moved in with her parents in another state and he tracked her down and killed her and her father. Restraining orders sometimes work, but when a person is mentally off, you sometimes should relocate to a place he'd never look. And as said, don't date for a good long while. You need time to find your own happiness solo, and to be at a better place mentally to choose more wisely the second time around. You likely missed red flags about him in the beginning. Can you remember and learn from all of this? Take care.

Why have you allowed yourself to be parented by a bf? Over time, it's hard to stay romantically attracted to someone who is supposed to be your partner, but acts like a parent. And then you rebel, just as you did when you didn't agree with your parents rules, by going behind their backs. You already did this once, by drinking at the party when he forbade that. In case you didn't know, this is totally not a healthy dynamic. I'm assuming you're both young, so I'll play devil's advocate and say that your bf has observed that your use of alcohol goes beyond a controlled, casual use. Perhaps it affects your behavior into dangerous territory. It sounds that way, since you're using it to control your anxiety in a large party crowd. That's is definitely a warning bell that you need to address. In any case, he is young and dumb and trying to fix this in an unhealthy way. What would I do in your shoes? 1. Do not go to parties if you'll be using alcohol to handle the situation. Explain to your friend that you would rather take them out for lunch/dinner at their convenience. 2. Go to a psychiatrist about your anxiety, since you run and cry with social anxiety. There, you will learn skills to overcome these stressful feelings. 3. Don't drink, because you're a strong candidate for this leading to alcoholism. Believe me, I've had many relatives who are now sober, and relay how much happier they are since becoming sober. 4. I don't know if your relationship is worth salvaging or not. If your alcohol use is the only problem and as I say your bf went about trying to manage this problem stupidly, then that problem might go away if you show him how you realize this and what you're doing to handle this. But one step beyond is to tell him that you're a grown woman and he will no longer tell you what you can and can't do. Of course, a couple has to have relationship boundaries and agree on those boundaries. But that if he's parenting you, it's a dealbreaker to you. Good luck and let us know your plans and how it goes.

Just know this can be part of the norm of OLD. People are so complex, that even people I've known my whole life can surprise me with things they say or their behavior. I, too, experienced the same when I did OLD. It does wear thin. I was just thinking of a mistake I made back then that you should be aware of making. I was so tired of these non-starters that when I did meet a man who it was clear he had the same goal as me of a LTR and was faithful, those ended up being his only good qualities, and I ignored red flags. I allowed myself to be in a toxic relationship for a year. Thankfully, 9 months later, I met my future husband, and I appreciated him all that much more after my past snafu. Besides, OLD, try Meetup.com groups for singles in your age group. It's less stressful than OLD, and you can gradually get to know women a little longer if they are frequent attendees, before deciding if asking her out is a good idea. Take care.

Using such a negative moniker as cursed dude is gearing yourself toward a self-fulfilling prophecy. Self-talk is very important and you're doing yourself a great disservice if much of the reel going on in your brain is negative about your worth. Could be why you're in the predicament you're in. If you lack confidence, you will only attract predators and users. Yes, you plan of concentrating on your studies is a good one. However, you say you have no friends. It's always good to have a support system, and to enjoy the company of your peers. Plus a future partner will be scared off if she's the only source of your social world. How about joining a college club in an area that interests you? I was a member of the ski club when I was in college, and met friends and went on fun skiing trips. Good luck.

I supplemented OLD with Meetup.com groups, taking dance classes (group lesson an hour before the dance: East Coast Swing), and accepting friends attempts at fix-ups. I didn't join any other hobbies to meet men, but I might have considered that if I'd had that kind of time back then. Spread your net wide to find a larger school of fish. It's a numbers game.

Can I ask you how often you've preferred sex? Do you mean two or three times a week, daily, two or three times a day? If it's far above the norm, do you think he attempted to please you as per your amount, but then that became too much for him? Perhaps the groping without intimacy is trying to meet you halfway and appeasing you without putting in all the effort that's really required? Just a guess, if that's the case. Other reasons for a low libido could be diabetes, being on antidepressants, hormones being out of whack, dissatisfaction with the partnership which causes anger and/or depression. Have you ever asked him if there are areas in your relationship he thinks needs improving? Good luck and let us know how it goes.

This thought process is showing you as a desperate person. Desperate people are the least appealing people to anyone. Aren't you worth more than pleading for attention from someone who chose to no longer be in your life? Get real with yourself about your dating goals, and maintain that standard. Don't settle. If it's a longterm gf you want, date only women with those same life goals. There's never any guarantees that a relationship will work out, but starting off with someone compatible in dating goals will have a higher risk of success. And as for answering her call if she ever does, know that recent past behavior is a great predictor of future behavior. She'd likely repeat the same pattern. Work on your self-worth, and you will attract higher quality women.

Your partner is supposed to be someone who eases your troubles, not instigates them. Of course, all couples argue, but the point should be to resolve whatever the issue is. Is he trying to resolve an issue by rubbing your shortcomings in your face? Sounds like punishing to me. Is that who you want for a lifetime partner? Is your love having you overlook dealbreakers? Do you lack dating experience, as in is he your first serious relationship? One thing you shouldn't do is text about serious issues. Save those discussions for in-person. What do your friends and family think of him?