Andrina

The biggest mistake you made is being alone with a guy in a private residence on the first date. Don't ever put yourself in that position again. Even if the guy isn't dangerous, you might get carried away with sexual chemistry and do the deed before it's wise to do so. Another reason is to gauge if a guy is dating you just to bed you or not. No guarantees, but a guy who is interested in long term will keep asking you out on public dates, finding out more about you with each date, and enjoying your company besides having a goal of intimacy. Don't feel bad about having limits of age gaps in dating. When I started dating in my teens, I chose not to date anyone more than 3 years older than me. Every time you date, you will learn more about your wants, needs, and what you're comfortable with. And all of those things might do a 360 at any point and that's normal. Stick to your standards and have fun, but also be safe. Condoms can break so be prepared of what your actions will be if that happens.

If you haven't spent time outside of class together, you can start by asking if she wants to do a study session together in a cafe or some other public place that'd be good for that. You can also tell her you're planning to go get a smoothie or coffee at the end of the school day, and ask her if she'd like to join you. Always better to take a risk rather than not to try at all, even if it doesn't pan out.

In the future, don't text about major things like breaking up. Save important topics for in person. But in this case, it really didn't matter. Not texting for 24 hours is a clear sign he just wasn't that into you. Because no matter how busy a person is, he has to eat meals and during that break, he could text. When you're trying to test the waters with an ultimatum or scare them with a break up to force them into action, it's a waste of time. A guy who is right for you won't have you wishing he would change his behavior for the better. He will already being making you a priority. Luckily for you, you're at an age where you will be meeting a huge pool of single guys, so keep on going until you find a keeper. Take care.

I would give your sister a call and straighten everything out with her for clarification. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with her, but of course you can give your opinion if it won't cause a rift. If this is going to cause bottled up anger against her, best to speak up and tell her you preferred the original plan.

You say you are introverted. Does this mean you don't engage in social activities, and that's why you seek a dating opportunity in the work place? If that's the case, I recommend you get out into the world to meet single men your age. There are Meetup.com groups. You can volunteer on a day off at the zoo, museum, botanical gardens, etc. Wherever your interests lie. Don't hide inside a small little bubble. Guys will be scared off if you have nothing going on in your leisure time except being with him and watching TV. How is your personality rebellious?

You need to reconsider the way you are going about dating. Spending a whole weekend together on a first meet? Not smart. Too much, too soon, not to mention it can be dangerous to meet a stranger in a private place. Ideally, you should've each driven halfway and met in a public place for no more than a few hours. That's what a normal pace would be. And now you've tied yourself to someone whom you're not happy with about his communication style. Not fair. How about making observations of a prospective partner for several months and gauge the amount of effort he's putting in before you decide exclusivity? And if he does end up moving closer, don't continue this pattern of being on hyper speed, letting him move in with you before even knowing each other a year or two. As for the texts, don't you want someone to text you because they miss you and want to find out about your day, instead of feeling obligated and mumbling, "Oh, geez, let me tap in a hello before she starts nagging me." It takes some time to see if a person is into you past the beginning high. Just have a wait-and-see attitude. The reason you feel like you're walking on eggshells is because you don't know if this will work out or not. That's the way it has to be because you don't have a crystal ball to know the answer. I hope you have the mindset that if it doesn't work out, you'll be just fine after a little bit of sadness. If you're not that resilient after your past, stay solo and keep attending counseling sessions. Take care. Though an hour and a half isn't extremely far, it's still quite a distance when it comes to seeing each other regularly. Why have you chosen/accepted this very difficult type of dating?

It might help you to know that this friendship you have with him now will not remain "as is" if this does not transform into romance. It's common to have this sort of closeness with someone of the opposite sex when both are single, but when one or both get into a serious relationship with someone else, the friendship could lessen or even end. There are exceptions, but some people aren't comfortable with their mate having a bestie of the opposite sex so that ask is honored, or a person no longer has time for that sort of close friendship when busy with a spouse, job, and possibly when children are born into the family. So I say go for it when you feel the time is right. Just don't go too long without finding out if he's interested in more or not, because you don't want to pour so much time and emotional energy into him that you're letting dating opportunities with other guys pass you by.

You're going to have to be concrete about the chores, so the best way to go about this is to have a chore chart you create on a dry erase board, or a chalk board, or a paper calendar. Pick which chores might always be one person's job, like him making breakfast and doing morning dishes, as well as jobs you rotate daily or weekly. I used to work his schedule and know how I didn't want to do any chores after work. I did my chores in the morning. So be mindful of that. Such as for the evening, if you don't use a dishwasher, dishes could be soaked in a sink of soapy water until they can be washed in the morning. The dishwasher can be unloaded in the morning if you go that route. Or some evenings, you could use paper plates. There might be jobs you can do together, and that can be marked on the chart as well. There are also jobs you might let slide some of the time. I don't make the bed unless I'm having company over. In fact, here's a quote from the Internet: "If you make your bed right when you wake up, you trap that moisture in the sheets, allowing dust mites to thrive. The researchers found a simple solution. Just leave the bed unmade. It allowed the moisture to dry up, reducing the dust mites in the bed." What I would be saying is something like: I love you and want this marriage to be the best it can be. When we each contribute, it makes me feel more peaceful and I have more energy to do fun stuff besides chores. If he balks or fails to do the chores he is responsible for during the week, you can then speak up one more time, saying something like: When you fail to do your part, it builds up bitterness in me. I'm afraid of what that will do to our marriage. Hard to know if he's clueless or he doesn't care if you're tired and unhappy. Some clueless people need concrete directions instead of vague expectations. Give the chore chart a try. Perhaps it will be the key to your problem. I'd also speak up about his plans to start his own business, since most new businesses fail. If he doesn't want to walk around all day, he can start applying for desk jobs. Good luck.

Would you ghost a person after being intimate and dating a whole six weeks, unless it was because you were abused or stalked? Is there a reason you'd be a jerk and cold to someone? No? Because you're a nice person? Then why can't you identify someone who's the opposite of nice? You grasping for straws for any good reason and pining for him after you've been mistreated shows your self-worth is in the gutter. Predators spot prey instantly (prey often act like doormats). If that's the role you choose, being a doormat, don't act surprised when someone wants to wipe their dirty boots all over you and then walk away. Spend this time alone working on your self-worth so you will never allow toxicity in your life ever again. There are books and articles on how to learn that essential skill/mindset. Take care.

Well, just because she's now your gf doesn't mean she's your forever person. Keep communicating. Keep gauging your own satisfaction level. She's asked for things. You can do some asking yourself about your own wishes. See over the next few months if things improve. Do you hang out with her group of friends yet? It is odd she doesn't want any photos of you on her phone to look at when you two are apart. Guess you have more things to learn about her. I hope it works out the way you wish.

Why not? You can and should keep up with friends no matter if you have a partner or not. A partner will feel suffocated if she's your only priority. Life is more enjoyable with friends, and they also make your relationship more fun when you're invited on double dates and to parties, etc.

A 51 year old whose longest relationship only lasted 5 years, and she claims to never have loved the man. And now she wants space from you when it sounds like she normally only sees you once a week. How you can think this is actually going to work is beyond me. It is helpful to look at a person's relationship past to get clues if he/she knows how to be a good partner. I only see red flags. Don't take the fact she didn't flat out break up with you as a good sign. Take it as how she likely believes if space if formed first, when the final blow is dealt, there will be less drama from you. I wouldn't wait around any more. It's time wasted where you could start the steps of mourning, healing, and then moving on to date better risks to your heart.

Before his parent died, had he ever cried before because of anything going on in your relationship? You don't have to get engaged anytime soon if you fear this out of the ordinary incident might become a pattern. You can have a wait-and-see attitude for now.

I recall helping someone with their resume. He kept applying for a supervisor job but never was picked. I told him, "You keep writing what you would do in that position, but what you really should be writing down is what you've accomplished in the past that shows how you've handled tasks and problems. Because anybody can say what they'd do in the future, but you should only have faith in what you're seeing in their past and present--better, more factual indicators. You're presently seeing how he rolls and it's already causing you resentment. Just think how much that resentment will grow when you're trying to keep your family's head above water financially and he's continuing to show on his resume he's not a good candidate for longevity as far as jobs go.

I'm guessing she might be the passive type, and you were the one who assumed she felt the same and wanted you there for your marathon weekends from very early on. Instead of speaking up, that it's too much and she prefers to no longer have this as the standard, she's dealing with it the way you're now seeing. I'd also guess she might be too cowardly to break up, and is trying to let it fade away since maybe she sees drama coming from your side if she totally ends things. You don't even say if she's the one who invites you to join her for a meal, or if you're the one saying, "Are we getting together this weekend?" And she then suggests to meet at a restaurant. If that's the case, no longer suggest meeting up and if she lets you fade away, there's your answer. If she initiates a get together but acts distant and doesn't want affection, have a discussion. I'd say something like: "Please communicate whatever's on your mind. I'll listen without interruption. Because a relationship without communication and the emotional connection we're now lacking isn't working for me." If this ends, think about your own behavior maybe playing a part in the demise. Just because you're gung-ho about someone, pace yourself a little better. Date at a normal pace. No days long dates from so early on. Take care and let us know how it goes.

Take it from someone whose first husband also suffered from depression. When a person isn't committed to a lifetime of continuing to keep their own mental state in a good place with the right meds and psychiatric care, then it is best to walk away. It's not being uncaring. You don't sacrifice your own happiness for what you think of as being in the best interest of the partner, or because of hopeful thinking. He doesn't meet your needs. I know how that feels. There were periods where my ex-husband wouldn't speak at the dinner table, unless it was to bite my head off over what he perceived was me giving him a dirty look, when I was just daydreaming and not even thinking of him. And then he'd go to his man cave in the garage and isolate himself there. Yes, I felt like I was lonely and that was the opposite of what my goal was for marriage. People with rescuing mentalities only end up hurting themselves. He doesn't want to be rescued and you don't have the superpowers to do that, anyway. Caring for someone isn't enough when your major must-haves are lacking. I'd just tell him, "This relationship isn't working for me." Breakups are always upsetting, but they allow you to eventually find a better match.

Taking tango or salsa lessons can be a sexy sort of fun you can have together. I know they have those types of classes in my area because I participated in them years ago. They never advertised so it took searching on the Internet. For the bedroom, there are couples stores where you two could have fun looking for new products together. Role playing costs absolutely nothing and the range of characters is endless. That can end up as quite sexy, and often hilarious. It's good to laugh. Just for some variety in life, a good social life includes group friends and other couples you can meet up with for concerts, or to host them for a barbecue or to play card games like poker, etc. You can also each have a separate hobby so you can miss each other while apart, as long as it doesn't become too much time apart. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

If you have no further business dealings with her about the lease, it's time to block. As you allude to, every time you hear from her, it sets you back to square one in closure and opens a can of worms of difficult emotions. You also don't want to be in a new relationship and have your phone pinging from the ex and making your new partner question your faithfulness. When you meet a far better partner, you'll look back and think, "The ex actually did me a favor by breaking up with me." Work on your self-worth so in the future you'll only accept someone into your life who knows how to be decent partner. Take care.

Yes, I meant isn't. A typo.

Normally I don't recommend dating if you live more than an hour apart, but if this thing actually worked out, it wouldn't be some major ordeal for her to uproot and move back to where she's originally from. But saying that, don't project that far in advance. Take it as a wait-and-see attitude, and see if she ends up putting in an equal effort. No matter how into her you are, don't be the sole person driving the train. It's a good way to gauge another's continuing interest or lack of it. Don't always be the first to communicate and do the asking out on dates. As for the texting, I'd think about which place you want to meet more for coffee. Choose one with a lot of personality, and not too loud so you can speak without yelling. And then you can text her something like: This place (name) might be fun for our coffee meet up. Or if you have a better place you like, I'm open to suggestions. Then on another day, you can text and ask if she's the type of person who likes to occasionally talk on the phone, and if so, you can ring her up when it's convenient to you both. Make sure the first meet is a marathon one, even if you're getting along and she's free. Sometimes the marathon sessions are too much too soon. This is all more info than you've asked for, but I'm just putting in my extra two cents. Have fun!

How far apart do you live from one another? Did she move away and comes into town to visit friends regularly?

So basically, you're the key to lessening everyone else's load, tying you to a life where you serve others when most at your age are leading independent lives and only meeting with family for occasional get-togethers. Sorry you're in this situation, and under this arrangement, I now see why I would've thought you and your girlfriends ages would've been in the late teens or the very early twenties, if you hadn't written your actual ages. This behavior of her flirtations with others and you wanting to stay regardless, is very juvenile, especially after 3 years. No wonder your growth has been stunted when you're emotionally manipulated to live in your childhood home. It's nice to help out parents during certain times of need, but this goes way overboard. Will your mother be receiving any retirement income at a certain age? Is there a possibility of them downsizing into a less expensive dwelling? Is your mother able-bodied to do jobs that usually need many employees like hotel cleaning staff and personal caregivers like doing light housework and cooking for the elderly and disabled? If I were you, I'd end your unsatisfying relationship and read some books on developing boundaries with family. Think about ways I've suggested such as the home downsizing and other alternatives you could come up with that will allow you to lead your own life. People pleasers eventually burn out, which is what is happening to you now. If others don't love you enough to want the best life possible for YOU, you have to be the one to love yourself and make your goals happen. Put things in perspective. You've already lived a third of your life. No more time to waste prioritizing others over yourself, because time really does fly. Good luck.

Glad of your good news with the local date. As for the long distance guy, I question the decision-making skills of people who quit a job before having another offer of employment. Of course, there are extreme situations where quitting would be wiser than staying, but it's usually smarter to get another job before leaving a job just because you don't like it.

I'm glad you're reconsidering your original plan. When I first read your initial post, my ideas were: When you're not happy in your present, you sometimes look to the past to find it there, because the future hasn't happened yet and is unknown. The past is something you already know, so it's where your mind naturally goes. Two guesses of why you weren't happy. 1. You subconsciously feel like you're worthless, so a loving partner feels "off" to you. 2. Your partner is good on paper so you should love her and not pine for someone from your past, but really, a spark is missing. Whether or not those things are true, you say you could feel more comfortable in regards to sex, but don't specify why the discomfort exists. My advice is to no longer look at your ex's social media, and delete her as a friend if you two are connected. It's never right to have the discussion you'd thought of with a taken person. Whenever a discussion would never happen if her husband or your girlfriend was in the room, then it's wrong. Your gf doesn't deserve you reaching out to an ex for apologies, closure, or any other reason. Your task should be to see if you can form the emotional connection with your gf that is necessary for a lifetime commitment. Read books and articles on ideas to ignite a spark in the bedroom and in other areas of your relationship. Give it a good year of effort and if you still feel something missing, let your partner go. Even then, I wouldn't rush to the past to find what you're looking for. I'd be alone a good year to mourn, heal, and then be able to move on to whatever adventure lies in your future.

People have to give up friendships all the time for all sorts of reasons. It's par for the course of being a human being. Yes, it's upsetting, but in cases like this, it's in the best interest of your future life partner. I would've stopped dating my husband if I'd found out he'd stayed friends with a lady he'd been intimate with and would've wanted long term if she'd agreed.