Andrina

Just as when someone is an addict (drugs, gambling, etc.), that person prioritizes the addiction over any person, the same goes for a person lugging around useless, emotional baggage. The sabotaging baggage takes precedence over caring properly for a partner. You've known all these years you weren't the best possible partner because of your baggage, yet you didn't choose to get therapy for it at the time, so how can you say you truly love her? She deserved someone fully free of constant fears and you weren't willing to provide that. If I were her buddy, I'd tell her that past recent behavior predicts the present and future, and that you're not a good risk for her heart. A hard lesson to learn, but even if she's not returning to you, you need years of therapy if you ever expect to date to find a lifetime companion, so don't let that slide.

I know that people with phobias are sometimes gradually introduced to whatever their phobia is, and starting with short time periods before extending to longer time periods. I would buy a vibrating dildo and just put it on your stomach for two seconds and then put it away. Over time, when you can get up to five minutes, then you can begin lowering it a bit on your body. Eventually you can work up to stimulating yourself on the outside of your body, and then lubricating it and bringing it lower before working your way in. You can buy lavender oil to breath in for relaxation, listen to your favorite music, watch soft porn where women enjoy themselves. You can stream Tubi which has the old series Red Shoe Diaries. Arousal, natural lubrication and added purchased lubrication, makes penetration pleasurable. Any phobia can be overcome with practice and determination. Good luck.

You're leaving the door open which is wrong for yourself and your wife. The ex is a woman who should've been left in the past. Instead, she has regularly intruded on your life, making her presence known. Obviously, as said, you find something positive/get some emotional reward/ in having this happen. Otherwise, you would've blocked her. I'd make your wife the priority over your curiosity regarding the psychology behind the ex's behavior. Even if your wife hasn't suggested that, it'd be the decent thing to do.

Yeah, I have a resting B#$% face too, and the same happened to me when I was a teen, that a few girls who later became my friends told me they at first thought I was stuck up. One time, when we were watching a ceremony in the group we belonged to, I was trying to smile just because I'd been told I don't do it enough, and my friend asked, "Why do you have that weird look on your face?" ha ha Of course I've always smiled and laughed when I've been engaged in good and funny conversations. I say, just do you. Customer service probably isn't your thing, but there are so many other jobs up your alley you will be successful doing. Even as an introvert, and not being the most popular person in the room, I've been the most financially successful member of my family. Their will always be people who get you and like you exactly as you are. Usually I get along better with extroverts, maybe because they like how I listen to them and I like how they pull me out of my shell. I also have a dry sense of humor that those who like that type of humor, get a kick out of. But yeah, when you need to, channel someone you admire, such as faking it until you make it, if you need to act a little bubblier than normal if the situation arises that requires it. You can get good at anything with practice. Take care!

Never put more effort in than you are receiving. It's the best way to gauge someone's interest or lack of it. The last time you communicated something, the ball was then in his court, and if he doesn't initiate further contact, don't reach out to him. When he said he needed time to organize his life, you should've said: "Okay, when you're ready to meet, you can reach out to me and if I'm still single, we can talk about meeting. Until then, let's go no contact. Good luck in finding a job." I did OLD for several years. 9 out of 10 times upon the actual first meet, one or both of us didn't feel the chemistry, or was put off by behavior/personality, etc. It's all fantasy before seeing each other in person, so it's best not to get emotionally involved if a quick meet can't happen for a good long while. It doesn't matter what his deal is. You shouldn't give a lot of space in your head for a stranger. Keep on trying to meet eligible men whether it be on OLD, or expanding to Meetup.com activities and engaging in other local activities where single men your age participate. Good luck.

I would block her number now. Eventually when you date someone, you don't want this ex-FWB ringing you up and having a new dating prospect be turned off about what you'd been involved in. She also has proven to be a loose cannon. I'd consider looking for other employment to distance yourself even further. A good learning lesson of the types of people you shouldn't allow into your life.

So when you're not out actively pursuing a social life, you're passively waiting for a social life to fall into your lap, and so you're subjected to the bread crumbs thrown your way. Desperate people tend to attract predators. You've placed yourself in a no-win situation. In your situation as it is now, even if you happened upon a decent guy, he will quickly feel smothered because he's the only source of your social life, and he'd be afraid you'd be "crushed" if a break up happened. Too much drama. I can imagine the fall-out from you when you say you're crushed with the exit of a man you barely knew. Most hobby groups are very welcoming to new members who share their passion in the hobby. You'd probably be pleasantly surprised when you look at how many Meetup.com groups are in your area. If it's really friends you want and not a romantic partner, then pursue friendships with people who have the same relationship goals. Starting with someone who had a different goal isn't wise. Plenty of people would love your company if you want to volunteer in bringing patients to their doctor appointments or to teach adult literacy, etc. You can mold your life into what you want but that requires pro-active behavior. Good luck!

If your plan is to get some time under your belt in this particular position in order to transfer back to the U.S. to be closer in distance to your child, then realize it's for the best this didn't work out, because as you say, it complicates your already complicated situation.

She turned him down when he asked her out, so I think it's safer to say she's not interested in dating him. Even shy people won't let the opportunity they have been waiting for get away from them.

Has he ever asked you if you're willing to move out West, since that was the dealbreaker to his last relationship?

Very exciting! Enjoy!

Well, don't beat yourself up over making mistakes as long as you've now learned from them. I made plenty in my life, including my dating life. And as said, each person's journey as far as romantic relationships is different. One person's right could be another person's wrong. It's not one size fits all. I loved my college years. I wish for you the same fulfilling and fun times I had throughout the rest of your education.

Don't date until you can ditch your emotional baggage. Being cheated on is upsetting but no excuse to also behave in a toxic way. My husband was cheated on in two of his major relationships before he dated me. He had taken a 2 and a half year break from his last relationship before he and I met. Did he have a look of extreme fear in his eyes that I was lying when I said I was meeting a girl friend for dinner? Absolutely not. When I went on a trip with her to visit my parents in another state (he couldn't go because he'd just started a new job), did he assume she and I would frequent bars and flirt with men? No. He detailed my car when I was gone as a nice surprise. When you date, the control you have is observing a person's ethics and what their past relationship history entailed (some stupidly admit they've cheated before). You choose wisely, and if you find out a guy has cheated, you find the resiliency to move on and are grateful to find out so you waste no more time on a loser. And then you eventually date again and start with the same plan--controlling the only thing you can control--observing and hanging on to a winner and letting go of a loser. Because nobody should pay for a crime somebody else committed. Whatever happens in life, you have yourself to rely on, and a group of friends you've cultivated for both a support system and to have fun with. If you lack hobbies or friends, work on that during this time when it's not wise to date. Take care.

You took a risk, which was good, asking her out. But when she cancelled and never scheduled an alternate date, that was the time to move on. I've always been shy too, but always let a guy know when I was free if I couldn't meet with him on the day he suggested. Since you're into her, you're trying to logically explain why she is acting awkward that doesn't involve the idea that she's just not that into you. Even if you don't say: "I'm sizing you up to see if you meet the standards of being my future wife and mother of my children." Believe me, that energy from you is coming across loud and clear, and it will scare a woman away when you're for all intents and purposes, acquaintances. How about lightening up and making a goal of just enjoying a woman's company by living in the present? Not projecting into the future, and if you find yourselves to be compatible and having the same dating and life goals after you get past the honeymoon stage (if you even make it that far), then you can have hopes of a forever love when it gets to the one year mark and beyond. Many in their late teens and early twenties go through many relationships before finding "the one." The human brain isn't even fully formed until around age 25, so what a person wants from the late teens to the late twenties could do a whole 360 degrees. It's why there is a higher divorce rate for people who marry under age 25. I'd be pleasant to her whenever you encounter her at school, but would no longer initiate communication in person or on social media. Start thinking of her as just another student who is not available for you to date. If her stories popping up on your social media disrupts your ability to move on, delete her. Good luck.

You've tried communication and that hasn't worked. When you're upset more often than satisfied, you're in the wrong relationship.

This is a bit abrupt for you to be thinking this is the end, when his behavior changed less than a week ago. Are you saying since high school he's worked a minimum wage job, or has he been a stay-at-home dad? Do not live outside the family home, as in he stays with the kids and you go to your mom's, or he could say you abandoned the family home if it gets to the point of divorce and he's seeking full custody of the kids with you paying him child support. You want things the way they used to be before last Sunday, or some other point in time? Have you had regular discussions over the years about "the state of your union"? Sometimes I ask my husband if there's anything he'd want improved in our marriage, and if there's anything he wants that's not happening. As for you, do you think you've outgrown the marriage and it's all you know and change scares you? Or, do you ever fantasize about starting a new chapter in your life, if it could be done easily? Or, do you love him and wish you could stay together forever if only he treated you better and had a higher work ethic? Can you elaborate what he says or does to be vindictive and spiteful? Are the children witnessing this? How is he as a father? Just trying to get a bigger picture.

If he's can't even fathom a yes when you've garnered the courage to ask him to get together one-on-one, then he's losing out on a golden opportunity if he's actually into you. Just ask him the say way guys have asked you (at least in a way those times you've welcomed the invite--it's been asked in a courteous way). But if this happens and he's still dull in conversation, you might end up having to admit you've held some fantasy that he behaves the way he does is really not due to shyness, but because what other people are doing doesn't interest him that much. There are people I can't stand speaking to, like my former sister-in-law. I'd ask about where she's working and I'd get a 3 word answer with no expansion. She'd only speak about what was going on in the room at the time. Not about the news. Not asking me any questions. Not about any of her future plans. Dullsville. Yeah, I'd get to the bottom of what he's about now since I'm assuming you've had this crush for a year. It's time to either nip it in the bud or to see if he has any more dimensions worth exploring.

Why you can't see how how every bit of this was wrong on every level, I don't know. Ethically, bosses don't enter into relationships with people who work for them. People who make wise relationship decisions don't make major decisions like moving in with a partner until knowing them a minimum of a year--seeing the partner in all sorts of situations to ensure compatibility in lifestyles and ethics. Wise people also don't move in with a love interest until exclusive. It's a lot more work to break up with someone when you're living with them versus dating and living in separate residences. It also makes no sense that you weren't exclusive and yet you were calling her out for communicating with and getting together with her ex. She was free to date anybody else she wanted to, just as you were. TIme to read a Dating 101 manual before attempting to get back into the dating world. You'll likely never be able to let go of your bad feelings of whatever this was, so it's best to leave this ugly past in the past, and start fresh with someone else once your mourning for the demise of this FWB ends.

Hard to know if her behavior is just because she's an extrovert or if she's into you. It's good that you regularly see her. Next time you see her, have a place in mind, and as an example, say something like: Hey, I'm going to try this pizza place I heard is good on Friday night. Would you like to come with me? If she says she already has plans, but is into you, she will suggest an alternate date. If she says yes, this gives you some time to get to know one another, either as friends or more. I wouldn't bother with some long, drawn out process of Instagram and connecting on social media as a pathway to closeness, where you're among a group of 200 other people. Cut to the chase and get some one-on-one time. Good luck.

With a friendly tone, you could say: I'd like to ask a favor. Long story short, I have a pet peeve about nicknames. I prefer being called XYZ. Thanks for understanding. A softer way of saying what will give you the same results--a person abiding by your wishes yet leaving them feeling not as bad about the situation than they did with your original approach.

I feel for you, as I also experienced a lot of frustration and upsets and craziness in the dating world. Even though I pulled out all the stops--friends fixing me up, taking dancing lessons, OLD and Meetup.com, it was a lot of emotional ups and downs and dashed hopes. In the end, I found the treasure after sifting through a lot of sand. Unfortunately, the timeline ends up differently for each person. When feeling down, I watched movies like Bridget Jones' Diary, where I could both wallow and laugh since the character was dealing with the same. Glad you're making progress in the way you date. Take care.

If the only way you'll be happy is when a person or his situation changes in a major way, then you're in the wrong relationship. It's naive to count on what you want to happen, to happen very soon or even ever. No guarantees. Therefore, you don't want to keep investing in an unknown. IMO, you should've never begun dating a man who lives with his estranged wife. In your shoes now, I'd tell him: When you've been divorced a year and live in your own residence, reach out to me and if I'm single, we can talk about dating again. Besides mourning and healing from a divorce, even if the divorce was his idea, solo time is important for a while after being married. He also needs that time to get his children used to a new family dynamic. It's not healthy at all for him to be dating right now. Children pick up on everything, and it's not healthy for them to see dad dating when he's still living with mom--a very confusing time for them. I'd remove myself from that poor decision making on both of your parts.

Sounds more like something you might discuss with a girl friend. In my experience, guys don't like this psychological, in-depth delving into your issues. My husband would've rolled his eyes if I'd said anything like that. If he asks about your romantic past, keep it simple, such as: I was concentrating on my career and dated here and there but nothing long term. Figured the right person would arrive at the right time. Now's the time for light and fluffy, keeping topics on positive things like if he has siblings, pets, places he'd like to travel in the future, bands he likes, and you share the same. Just as you see his personality, he sees yours and is just fine with it. Have fun!

I did have a similar situation after my first marriage ended. I worked in a very large building with many agencies/companies and developed a crush on someone in the workplace. I've always thought of myself as intuitive, and thought he was into me, and a friend/co-worker noticed and said the guy would look for me on my day off. He would come in to speak to me about personal matters with his ex, and everyone thought he was single. I couldn't figure out why he wasn't asking me out and I asked him to go to the zoo with me and he accepted. But he did not make any moves. Later, I became friends with a woman in the building who I found out had been secretly dating him during the time period we all thought he was single. They wanted to keep it secret to avoid gossip, apparently. She also told me he drank way too much, and he might have been an alcoholic. So then I saw it was for the best we never did date, because I've never been interested in dating someone who abuses alcohol, and then saw he wasn't as nice as I thought he was. He knew I had a crush and enjoyed the ego boost, not caring how it would hurt me that he was misleading me. I'd take her behavior of looking at you and enjoying conversation means she enjoys having a fan as well. She's also rude not to reply to an invite, even if it's a no. So she's showing you this unkind behavior but you're choosing to overlook this very major thing. As a woman, I also know how it feels when a guy repeatedly won't take no for an answer because it's happened to me at least twice. In this particular case, I'd safely veer to the idea she'd be annoyed versus this turning out in your favor if you ask why she ignores you when you've asked her out twice. As you say, there will be more opportunities. If she happens to be "afraid" which I doubt, those sorts of people usually aren't good candidates to date anyway. People with emotional baggage need to ditch it before being a good partner. Take care.

If it's a boyfriend you want, you'll have to put yourself out into your local world. Join Meetup.com groups for singles in your age group. Join a book discussion group. Take part in environmental clean up events. Taking classes in art, cooking, dancing. Start Googling your interests and see what events are happening in your town. Lessen your talks with this long distance guy. Especially don't talk about personal matters. Keep the subject to art only. If that doesn't work, you might have end that cyber friendship.