Andrina

Don't put in more effort than you're getting. That's the best way to gauge interest. Doesn't matter how shy someone is or that they don't like messaging or messaging first. A person who is into you won't let a golden opportunity slip them by. I'd stop initiating texts unless he does it at least half the time. Let him approach you at the work event. Don't be some overeager puppy.

When that happens, unfortunately, it means he didn't care enough to repair anything that he thought should be improved. When people are in love, they will communicate how they want the relationship to improve, and give that time to happen. When a person doesn't care, they bail. If there was nothing he thought you should do to fix things, then perhaps it was the case he stopped putting in effort, and therefore didn't care if his feelings were dying. Sadly, as Dr. Phil said, Recent past behavior predicts future behavior. If he bailed in that blindsiding way, once the reconciliation high ran its course, he'd be likely to bail again. The best thing you can do is let time do its healing. It doesn't happen overnight. In my case, I wouldn't stop thinking of a man daily for a good 4 to 6 months after a break up. I'm glad you're finding some fulfillment in your activities. Take care.

None of those things are good reasons to rush too quickly into moving in together. Better to accept the challenges you two presently have in dating each other, as far as busy schedules and bills, than to go to another level you're not ready for yet. Enjoy missing each other when apart, making the time together that more special, and get to know one another at minimum another six months before moving in together if everything continues going well. What's his relationship history been like during his 20 years of dating? What do your family and friends think of him?

Well, that's one thing likely false, as why wouldn't an attractive firefighter who probably has no problems finding women to date just break up with you if you weren't enough? Since you don't know whether to take him at face value or believe he could have another reason that he's hiding from you, it's a case in point that you have a lot more to learn about him before making major decisions like moving in together after only 6 months. What's your big hurry? You're only a few months beyond the honeymoon period. It takes time to learn if there are any skeletons in the closet if there are any, and if a person treats you well or not in the long term. Never make major decisions until knowing a person at minimum, a year, and preferably longer. Because it's much easier to break up, if warranted, when you're not living together. It takes a strong foundation to withstand the new step of living together, which might sound fun, but adapting to that new norm can be stressful and be a make or break situation. I hope everything works out the way you want it to.

So this woman was a brief, fun fling. You never experienced her through all the realities a long term relationship entails, such as the ex you lived with. So you've really only held the fantasy of this woman when in reality, you never even scratched the surface of who she is. Your head is still up in the clouds about her because you cannot see that a married woman who tries to begin a new romance without first ending the relationship she's in, is unethical, mentally unhealthy, and an extremely poor risk to your heart. Even if she got a divorce tomorrow, she and her children would need at least a good year without her distracted with dating, for them all to get used to the new dynamic of a changed family. If she did become single, you know her poor ethics, so do you really think you're so special that when things got rocky with you, she wouldn't be reaching out to another man? How is it that you feel good about yourself, accepting communication from a taken woman that wouldn't be happening if her husband was listening in, and meeting up with her for hugs. My suggestion, which you likely will balk at, but you will end up regretting if you don't take the advice: Block her. Don't date her if she becomes single because she does stuff behind her man's back. And then amp up your own dating life, pulling out all the stops. OLD, Meetup.com groups, lessons in dance or cooking or painting. Do volunteer work. Dating is a numbers game and if you're serious about finding a lifetime partner, it's like a part time job. Realize what you always thought would be a magical life with her was pure fantasy. Start living in the real world. Good luck.

The right person for you will expand your world, not minimize it. I'm sure when you think about what red flags he showed you at the beginning, it has given you insight in to what to avoid in men in the future. How about you actually make a written list of must-haves in a partner and dealbreakers, and then stick to it when you one day are ready to date again? That should ease your anxiety about dating in the future. It's normal to be upset with a breakup and still have feelings for a while, even if the person wasn't a good partner. Give yourself permission to feel bad for a while to mourn, but don't let it last too long. When you pamper yourself, do enjoyable things with friends and family, and work on making your life the way you want it to be, you will eventually get to a point you where you won't think of him on a daily basis. That would normally take me about 4 to 6 months. I'd text him that for your own good, you're going no contact, and there will be no reconciliation. And then block him before he can respond. I know that's hard for you, but not blocking him will keep the door open to his manipulation. And then I'd probably make myself scarce because with his controlling ways, he will try to track you down. Take care of yourself.

If you haven't set some rules for yourself in OLD, it's better late than never. I know I did back when I was single and on OLD. I chose not to date anyone who lived more than an hour away. It's a lot cheaper. It's much quicker to vette people. I had to go on dates with about 30 guys over a period of two and a half years before I found a keeper. If I had to do all that vetting with 30 long distance guys, I'd have spent thousands and more to meet them, and taking 30 times longer to get through that list. What a huge waste of precious time. People who reach out from far away either have secrets or they're so emotionally messed up, their local prospects have all dried up, or they can't handle the reality of what a local relationship entails. Only twice did I give in to guys who lived one and a half hours away. Both were disastrous experiences. Good to learn from others experiences. I say to block her and stick to local dating.

Well, people disappoint me all the time. I just decide as time goes along if the good outweighs the bad whether to stay in the person's life or not, or lessen the interactions. When it's family, it's a little more complicated whereas I won't be cutting off the person, but in most cases, the majority of my relatives live far away and my physical time with them is limited. Yeah, it's incomprehensible why some people act the way they do. Not much you can do but shake your head about it, or try to get answers with a discussion. Good luck with that discussion.

That's awfully strange. When there was no deal breaker, that you speak of, anyway, instead of working on whatever issue there was, you both bailed. That means neither of you were really that into each other to begin with. Perhaps nothing else is going on for either of you at the moment in the romance department, so an iffy thing where you're paying some attention to each other is better than nothing, and filling a void until someone you're each crazy about comes along. When things just don't click as they should, perhaps realize this isn't a powerful connection that should exist when choosing a partner. You mention she lack in the communication area, and that bothers you. In your shoes, I'd end the friendship as it won't be respectful to a new romantic partner to be in communication with someone you dated for several months, and had a close friendship with for so long.

That a sort of voyeurism, objectifying women, don't you think? This should be a fun time for the both of you. Not full of these regular arguments. People with bad traits can have good traits, too. But if the bad traits are dealbreakers, best not to invest any more time. And yes, some friendships can transfer well into moving into a romance, but not always. A good partner eases your troubles instead of creating them. I suggest moving on.

Wow, the poor children, who could be exposed to yet another toxic adult brought into their lives by a a toxic parent. They just can't win. If you think letting your children be around a woman who is on a sugar daddy site as being healthy for them, you don't deserve custody of your kids either. My advice is to be without female companionship until you receive and benefit from psychiatric care while concentrating on your children, as they need full support, without you being distracted by a sugar baby, through all these custody issues. If you can't do that, consider a loving family member who will be better guardians to your children. Instead of spending money on a prostitute, get some counseling for your children since they've been abused in every way possible. You've been spending hours typing about a woman who exchanges money for sex instead of spending time with your kids. Your priorities are really screwed up.

Well, you stick around after talking blue in the face about how he has crossed boundaries, so obviously you do accept it, otherwise you'd be gone by now. Communication hasn't worked, and decent people put their own boundaries in place, even when a partner isn't around to see and hear what is happening. Whenever I became exclusive with someone, I made sure we were on the same page with relationship boundaries, and told them the consequences if they were broken. Such as: I don't give second chances for cheating. If it happens once, I'm done. Even if your bf promised to never do that again, doesn't it already sicken you that he behaved in this manner? Enough to no longer think of him as a prized, longterm partner?

I don't know how far apart you two live, but I'm assuming it's a few hours drive or more. A few downsides to this is that relationships that start as long distance have a high risk of failure because the dating is not done at a normal pace--too much time apart and then the times together are too long since one is visiting and it's normally jarring to go from not being together to 24/7 for days or weeks all at once. People in college normally have heavy loads of schoolwork so how to fit that in with an LDR would make that even more difficult. At your age, aren't you meeting large groups of guys your age where you live? If not, why not? I agree with Wiseman that you'll find dating locally easier and more enjoyable.

Sounds like the improvements he's made no longer matters--too little, too late. I know what it feels like when a build up of bitterness causes permanent damage. Even as the old friend checked in recently, you'll really be doing yourself a favor to stay alone a good year to mourn the relationship with your bf, heal, and learn to be fulfilled as a solo person before venturing into dating again. Keep your head out of the clouds when it comes to the friend. I'm not trying to be a downer but am being realistic that a good friend doesn't always translate into someone also being a great romantic partner to you. I'm not saying not to date him when the time is more appropriate. I'm just saying to have a wait-and-see attitude while dating because it takes time to see everything you need to know about a person past the honeymoon stage, if it even makes it that far. The expectations, of course that you expect from a friend is totally different than you will have of a partner. There are some people from my younger years I still cherish as friends, and others that were best left in my past because of who they became as adults. Anyway, I'm glad you will now get a chance to start a new chapter of your life under YOUR terms and standards. Good luck.

Oh, Lordy, In this day and age with sex trafficking a major problem, I would never throw caution to the wind. Please don't consider these sort of dangers being far-fetched. Start reading about how women have been duped and held sexual prisoners, including in America.

At your ages, I'm assuming you'll both be hanging out with people of both genders and liking social media posts of both genders as well. If looking at what he likes on social media is going to regularly upset you, don't be social media friends with him. Or date a guy who isn't interested in social media at all. You're going to have to start changing your mindset that any guy is lucky to be with you and paying attention to if he's worthy of you and your precious time. Because when you have a low self-esteem, you will only attract predators and you will accept being treated poorly since you're not caring for yourself as you should. If he can be pulled away from your company by any other pretty face, let him go. Don't feel like you need to be a spy and/or cling to him like you'll melt into a hopeless puddle if he decides to no longer be in your life. Good riddens if he chooses that path because then you'll be free to eventually meet the right guy who doesn't want to leave. When you're doing all this worrying, it's preventing you from fully enjoying the present. Worrying is a waste of time. Time will reveal all, and no matter what happens, you'll be strong, be the same wonderful woman you've always been, and move on. Right?

Even if someone told you shouldn't feel upset, you cannot pretend to feel good about it, and magically feel okay. And if you told him to stop his behavior, he will resent you or sneak around behind your back so he doesn't have to hear your complaints. You already told him you were upset and his behavior hasn't changed, so other than going to marriage counseling to see if a non-partial professional can get through to him, there's nothing more you can do. So it's that or get divorced, because when you're upset more than satisfied, you're in the wrong relationship. Good luck.

It's okay to not be in a place in life that you want to put effort into being a part of a couple. Don't pressure yourself to do that. Just be single and have fun with friends as you've been doing. As for the date you have today, I'd tell her in advance that you're not emotionally in the right headspace to date, and that meeting up with her is as friends. And then ask if she still wants to get together when that's the case. Good luck.

Don't be surprised if the next time you hear from her, she tells you she went on a business trip abroad, calls you her future husband, and asks you to wire money to her so she can get out of a foreign jail so that you two can finally be blissfully together. Even if that's not the case, as said, she's a poor candidate for dating. If a person can't meet within two weeks, no longer let yourself get invested with more communication with that person. When I did OLD, I followed that standard of meeting within a few weeks, and even when being hopeful because I'd liked his photos and the communication we had before meeting, 9 out of 10 times on the actual meet, one or both of us didn't want to meet a second time. You sound like a kind person, but I hope you're not a people-pleaser doormat, letting another's bad behavior slide just because she's attractive. Because if you possess those traits, you will only attract sub-standard women. Try some Meetup.com groups to supplement the OLD. In that way, you'll know the woman actually exists and she has time to participate socially. Good luck.

I think that's a good plan. If it doesn't work out romantically, don't let her corral who she thinks is her fan into sucking a lot of time and energy from you. Some people who just aren't that into you try to keep you tethered just because they enjoy being adored. You don't want to end up giving other women the impression you're so smitten by this woman that they don't have a chance. I had several of these iffy situations, myself, when I attended community college. Quite common. In any case, good luck in your continuing education. I loved my college years and had fun times in their snow-ski club I was a member of.

Turn the tables. How would you feel if you were dating a guy and a woman he once had a crush on him invited him for drinks? Would you say, "Oh, that's sweet. I hope they establish a beautiful friendship." When people aren't happy in the present, they look to the past to try to find happiness. He was someone who could feed your ego and need for attention since he once did, so you sought this regardless that it could greatly impact the happiness of his marriage. That is something major that you're messing with, and you haven't had the foresight to predict what you could be doing to these people? Not nice. Unethical. I feel sorry for the poor people left to clean up the mess after you bring in your wrecking ball. There are single people in your area you can form friendships or romances with. Go do that. Join some Meetup.com groups. Tell this guy you made a mistake in contacting him and then block his number for his own good and the sanctity of his marriage. It's not all about your wants. Mature, healthy people know how to erect boundaries and avoid certain situation.

It's like you didn't learn from your mistakes the first time. I would've thought it best to keep your work lives separate after it was the cause of your break up. This first time, you knew her for mere days or weeks and hired her, assuming she was your forever love. Why would you make such a major decision like that? Too much pressure, especially on her, that if the relationship ends, she's out of a job. And now you've jumped onto the same crazy ride. You only knew her 90 days the last go around. You should've entered the second try only seeing each other twice a week at the beginning, like any new dating couple. This is way too much togetherness. IMO, people need some time to miss each other. I know I would never want to work with my husband all day long. I like coming home from work looking forward to seeing him, and we tell each other about what went on in our days. Fewer things to talk about when you've both witnessed the same things all day, every day. You're too full on and want too much too soon. Lighten up, spend some time apart as you should with guy friends and hobbies, and maybe she will relax and have time to miss you. You shouldn't even have discussed a future marriage until getting past the honeymoon stage, and seeing if you could even make it a year with her. You act like the 90 days you were with her several years ago means you were practically married. Ridiculous. It's not even a 3 digit number! But if in a few months you're not satisfied break up. In the future, have more realistic expectations when dating--take it at a normal pace, not the pace of Speed Racer. And how about keeping your partner out of your business? A healthy amount of space away from a partner is a good thing.

So you'll have to be firmer with him, and if that doesn't work, threaten him that you will have to report him to management if he doesn't stop. Nobody should be subjected to harassment in the workplace.

If you're paying for a background check for someone you've never even met, you're wasting a lot of money. If you know his last name, you could look at local court records that anyone can see in your county, though of course a person could've committed a crime in another county or state you don't know about. Communication should never go beyond a few weeks. If a guy hasn't asked for a date by then, you ask, and if he's stalling, cut off being a pen pal. Besides texting or e-mailing, when I did OLD, I always wanted one actual phone call with a guy before accepting a date. And then meet in a public place where you will be safe. I never dated long distance, since that's a high risk for failure plus too expensive. Date locally to be able to vette very quickly, because dating is a numbers game. You have to usually date a boatload before finding a keeper. Good luck.

It feels good for him to have a fan and that breaks up the monotony of his work day. How about telling him things like: No time to talk. I'm busy. I need to get back to work. Can you take a few steps back? You're making me uncomfortable. Don't attend parties where he will be until you no longer have a crush. Start thinking of him as just another co-worker. You can still be pleasant and say hello, but cut off discussions that do not involve business talk. Good luck in finding a keeper.