Rysen

I had a bad day today...it's probably the worst day I've had since you decided you needed space. I was doing fine and had such clarity about the situation...until the last time we saw each other. When you told me that your messaging me to look for stuff that you thought was still at our old place, was just an excuse to see me. When you started to cry, because you felt so awful about yourself and didn't know how to get "you" back, and I held your hand while you vented to me, it broke my heart. It broke my heart because I hate seeing you so upset. I know, and agree, with the reasons behind you needing the time to focus on yourself and try and get "you" back, and I know that because I want more, there's a pressure that only makes the process more difficult for you. So I give you the space and time you need to sort it out. I know that things would just end up to what we were in the end if we try to rush this...I know that it would only end in heartbreak again until you're in a better place...but I still miss you. And it takes so much not to tell you how much I love you, and how much I miss you...but I won't...because I know that's what's needed right now. But I do. I love you and I miss you =/

I didn't realise people had replied! My apologies for not responding sooner. Yes, I no longer pine or think that she is the only girl I'll ever love. It's a good feeling to have, that's for sure but it took a really long time to get there....9 months to be exact. Anyway, the thing that helped me was just to live my life. I'm a musician and I used to be in bands all the time. I stopped performing music live for awhile, and when her and I were together I spent more time focusing on the things that I *thought* she wanted me to be doing. She never asked me to change or anything, I just always wanted to be a good boyfriend and want her to think highly of me, despite the fact that it was the way I was *before* that she fell in love with. In any event, I lost myself, at least I felt I did, and after a few months of being single I kind of rediscovered things about myself and consequently found happiness again without her. So I think all that worked, my confidence built-up, I kind of started seeing someone new and have been approached by a couple of others, and though none have worked out yet, it's made me feel better about myself and that helps a lot. So after all that time of losing my insecurity, when I finally saw my ex I was *myself* again, and the fact that seeing her felt like I was just catching up with an old friend...well that was kind of the icing on the cake. Anyway, my advice is to just live your life. If they come back, hey wonderful, if not, honestly, it's there loss. I think it says something when someone will put their thoughts, feelings and problems into the hands of complete strangers....I think people would be so lucky to have those that cared about them the way we do about our exes. But you know, some times it's just not meant to be and as shabazz said...there's so many people out there that we haven't even met that could very well be perfect for us. We just have to be patient and wait for that day, while focusing on the goals we've laid before ourselves, continuing to improve ourselves, and learn from the mistakes we've made in the past. Cheers, Rysen

Well folks, for those of you who have followed my story, I finally saw the ex today for the first time in almost 5 months. I finally heard back from her today after recieving an e-mail on Christmas Day asking if I wanted to get together. It turns out her boyfriend was over visiting from where she now goes to school, and since he doesn't know anyone over here (and she didn't want to bring him along to seeing me) she couldn't do anything until today. He's still here, but she heads back to school with him tomorrow and really wanted to see me so we met up at a coffee shop that's between where her and I live, right before dinner. The coffee shop was closed, so we ended up just sitting in her car and talking. She said that we could go back to her place if I wanted, but that she didn't think I would want to (because of her boyfriend) which I jokingly said "No. And still no." She laughed at that, and I really didn't feel that I showed a weakness. I just don't want to meet my "replacement", and I think she understands that. She gave me a big hug when she saw me, and it was really great to see her. But as I said before I went in with 0 expectations and you know what? I felt nothing. When I saw her....she was just another girl. It was like I didn't care that it was the first time I was going to see her in 5 months. We only talked for about half an hour, as I had to go and, the nice guy that I am, felt bad for making her boyfriend hang out with her parents for awhile. I love her parents to death, but her Mom can get really annoying after awhile. ^_^ haha. In any event, nothing about "us" came up, just what we had been up to these past months and what our plans were for the next year. I hugged her good-bye, told her it was really great to see her again, walked away and didn't turn back. I didn't need to....for whatever reason this meeting has given me what I needed to completely heal and move on. For the first time since we broke up 9 months ago...I didn't want her back. When I thought about us, I understood why it would have never worked, and I think about the life I lead today and how much I changed to try and be the person I thought she wanted me to be (not that she ever asked; I was alway too eager to please), and how unhappy I inevitably would have become. I'm myself today, and I'm learning a lot more as each day goes by. This meeting showed me that she wasn't the "one", but a damn good experience, and memories that I will cherrish for the rest of my life. I got closure from this meeting, and it feels really good. Although I know I still love her deep-down, and that there will always be a special place in my heart for her....I know our paths have taken off in different directions, and instead of hopeing for the past to come together, I'm looking forward to the future. A big *thank-you* goes out to all those who helped me since the very beginning on these boards. I don't know how I would've gotton through this without the guidance, advice and support of this community. You are all amazingly wonderful people who deserve nothing but the best. And to all those who are going through these terrible times: Keep your head up. I promise you, you will come out on top and find happiness again. I never thought I would see the day where I wouldn't want my ex back, where it wouldn't hurt every time we hung out, but it's happened, and I couldn't be happier. I wish you all the best in 2005! Cheers, Rysen

"A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired." Thought I'd start off with some humor. I got that quote from a random IRC web site, so I'm not sure who the author is. Anyway, I think they do work, but I agree with what many have said that there is some other intention underneath. At least leading to the friendship. My best friend is a girl, who I tried to date...she said yes and then quickly changed her mind thinking it was "too weird", but after that we became really close friends and today are practically inseperable. The idea that it just "doesn't work" between us has been pushed into my mind so much that I don't really see her in any other light anymore, and as someone else said, I think of her more as a sister than anything. We're kind of flirty when we're together, but it never goes far. I've been mistaken for her boyfriend (I was recently asked if I was the "son-in-law to be" at a family get together I went to with her many times. We both find it funny. The worst was this summer when her and I went camping and I met a girl there who I became interested in...since it was just me and my friend in the same tent the other girl assumed that we were together and thought I was a big jerk for hitting on another girl right in front of my "girlfriend". Meanwhile it was my "girlfriend" who pushed me to even talk to the other girl. haha, oh well. In any event, we often talk about relationships and the opposite sex and it's truly a gem to have that insight...I don't know what I would do without her anymore. So totally, I think it can work as I'm living proof. Cheers, Rysen

Thanks for the replies switch and bdub, I appreciate them greatly. I replied to her e-mail telling her that I would like to get together this week (as she goes back to school this weekend), and asked her to give me a call when she gets home to finalise plans. So I will let you all know how it goes. Cheers, Rysen

Hey frank, I found myself feeling the same way when I was around your age. It was difficult for me to speak to girls...and whenever I found one I was interested in I would be too insecure and shy to talk to her. I thought about it a lot, and felt really lonely. I would just sit here on my computer at night, listen to music, and think about things. I always felt really unmotivated to do anything, really. I was too caught up in the idea that I needed a girlfriend to be happy. Well, I soon discovered that that wasn't true. I don't know what happened but one day I "woke up" and realised that if I spent as much energy on doing things to improve myself rather than think my about insecurities then I would be far better off. As a result I gained a lot more confidence in myself as I worked harder at things that interested me...mostly music. I spent a whole lot of energy composing, and learning piano, so one day while I was playing at school a girl noticed me. Because of my new found confidence, I was able to speak to her more easily, and after a couple of months we ended up dating for a year and a half. I attribute this to feeling better about myself, and not actively looking for someone. I found that the harder I tried the more lonlier I felt, so I just focused instead on improving myself and found it to be really rewarding. Basically, you *will* meet someone, this I can guaruntee, that you will hit it off with. You probably haven't met her yet, and it probably won't happen until you least expect it, but the point is it will happen some day. Until that time, focus on *you*. Set some goals to try and achieve and focus on obtaining those goals. As prosper said, the past is the past and there is nothing you can do to change it, but the what happens in the future is up to you. Think back to the experiences you've had and use them to shape your actions in the future. The rest will fall into place. Feel free to PM me any time you need someone to talk to. Cheers, -Rysen

Ah, I knew there was a reason I posted on here. Thanks for your reply. You've definitely put things into perspective...there was that faint shimmer of hope (despite me not really wanting to be in a relationship right now) that it meant more than just wanting to see me, so I ended up making a bigger deal out of it than it really was. But now that I read your post, I agree with everything that you wrote. She probably just misses me. I think I will meet up with her, as I know that I won't have that chance again for a very long time, and really...it doesn't hurt to think about her anymore. Even looking at the old photos seemed to bring back more fond memories than ones of sadness. Just to clarfiy though, we've been apart for about 9 months now, but I only did NC for the last 4. That was my fault for not mentioning that. Anyway, thanks for your reply and making things clearer for me. I shall go in with 0 expectations and only to catch up with an old friend. Cheers, -Rysen

Hi everyone, How was everybody's holidays? Mine have been interesting, to say the least, but generally enjoyable. As the title says, my ex broke NC recently. It was before Christmas so I was a bit surprised. It's kind of a long story how it came to happen, but around the beginning of December I logged into an old MSN account that I forgot she was on, and was not blocked. So, she basically messaged me right away saying that she wasn't sure if she should try and talk to me but that if I was up for it that she wanted to. I really didn't know what to do, but I figured since she started the conversation, it's been 4 months since we've had contact of any kind, I'm feeling better, it's the holidays...why not? So I replied. It was actually a really nice conversation. Nothing heavy, just casual catching up and talking about school, how finals were going, etc. I ended the conversation as I had to go, and was generally pleased that I didn't get upset and rather thought of it as just a conversation with an old friend I hadn't had in a long time. At the end though, she expressed that she had missed me a lot and that "there hasn't been a day that's gone by that [she] hasn't thought about [me]." Which was kind of nice to hear...I didn't really know how to respond so I just said it was nice talking to her again, and promptly went offline. Another week or so we end up in another conversation on MSN. She's home from school now for the holiday's and asked if she could see me before she went back to school. I wasn't too sure about the idea, but in all honesty I have a lot going on in my life so I politely replied that I wasn't sure if I was going to have any time as I am really busy these days. She then asked if the opportunity came to be, if I would be up to meeting with her. A part of me really would like to see her again...and since she goes to school in a different city now, the odds of us running into each other are slim to none, so I said that if we could find time that maybe we could go for a coffee one day. She seemed content with that answer and the conversation ended. That afternoon she appearntly called me for the first time in 4 months. I was out, but I saw her number on my call display. I later spoke with her best-friend (who is one of my closest friends) who asked if my ex had gotton a hold of me. I asked why she called, and appearntly it was because she wanted to plan getting together. It was Christmas Eve, I had a lot going on family wise, so I decided not to return her call and just enjoy my holidays. She e-mailed me Christmas night to wish me a Merry Christmas but also to say that she was going away with her family for a couple of days, but would return on the 28th. "Would you want to get together for awhile? Go for coffee or something? I would love to see you....but don't feel pressured." And that was it. In each instance she seems to make the request as though it were a new one and not one we had all ready discussed which has me kind of wondering, but I try not to think too much into it. She seems eager to see me, but also really nervous about even asking. As far as I know she is still seeing someone at her school, I'm about 90% sure, so I doubt that she is wanting to get back together or anything. I'm just wondering what people's thoughts are on this. Since she went away for school, I have been making quite a name for myself locally as a musician and have really been improving myself as an individual. I know she's been keeping "tabs" on me, via my livejournal, as she brought up a few things in our conversations which I had discussed in my journal and not to anyone in particular. Our relationship didn't end horribly, but I didn't want to break up. I understood that we are both young and that this was her first serious relationship so, despite the pain I could understand that she may be wondering what else is out there, so I really hold nothing against her. It's kind of funny, but to prepare for the chance that we do meet I decided to look at some old photo's of her. (First time since I asked for NC 4 months ago.) I ended up looking at the photos from a school trip she took a few days after we broke up...she looked so sad in each one... Anyway! Generally, I guess I'm wondering if a). I should go for coffee with her since I probably won't have a chance to see her again until the summer when she comes home and b). why do you suppose she's trying so hard to meet up with me after all this time? I would have assumed she'd be angry with me for asking for NC, but she seems incredibly eager to see me now that she has a chance. It's kind of confusing. Thanks to all who read and I apologise for the length. I really should start writing this stuff out as it happens instead of in one lump sum. ^_^ Happy Holiday's all, -Rysen

Hey blink, In my 100% honest opinion I think you should go for it. I can completely understand and relate to your apprehensions as they are the same fears that plagued me all through high school. However, I would always end up getting more upset at myself because I would wait for too long, then lose my chance. Back in grade 11, I met this girl who I absolutely fell head over heals for. We became really close, to the point where we would hang out/talk daily. I had wanted to ask her out, but I was scared of ruining our friendship. Then after a few months I finally had enough of it, and decided that life is too short to always wonder "what if...?", so I finally did it. She actually did say no, and yes I was upset for a little while, however, I felt waaay better finally letting it off my chest. For a week or so things were kind of weird between us, but today (2 years later) that same girl is also my best friend and we still talk/hang out all the time. The way I see it is that...how can you know if you never try? We all have to take risks some times, and if we're too afraid to take those risks well, we may be losing out on some of the greatest opportunities in our life. Besides, if she does decline then at least you know and can move on with your life. If your friendship is strong you both will move past it together and eventually may end up joking about it on a regular basis (much like my friend and myself.) Good luck in whatever you decide to do, but I'll say again: You never know unless you try. Cheers, Rysen

I have to agree with San. For me MSN was just as bad as talking to her on the phone or in person. I had to take the extra step of actually deleting her off my list on top of blocking her. Every time I saw her online it was just far too tempting to talk to her, and every time I did, the feelings came back. So, while you're still trying to move on it'd probably be best not to talk to her through any medium. I know how comforting it is to know that she's still thinking about you, believe me..I've definatley been there. But at the same time, the idea is to be over her, and get to the point where you won't care if she thinks about you or not. It's been 7 months for me, and I'm still not quite there...but I'm getting better every day, and I know that it's because we're no longer in contact of any kind. It prevents me from thinking about her, and the feelings. I think when the time is right, MSN could definitely be a good way of reopening communication, but for now, I would focus on yourself and your healing. Good luck Cheers, Rysen

Wow. You just described basically exactly what I've been feeling. From the ex right to college decisions. I'm currently enrolled in my first year, taking a computer science degree, but now that this term is nearly over I find myself realizing that this isn't what I want to do. My passion is music, and I've always been apart of music in some form or another, whether it be teaching, playing, or writing and yet...I decided to go in to computers? It was a security thing for me, really. I never had much growing up, and I always promised myself that I would give my children the opportunities I never had, so the idea was to try and get into a field where jobs are more abundant. Then, after a few months of unhappiness, boredom, and complete disinterest in the courses I'm taking, it hit me: I'm sacrificing for a family I don't even have yet....It's a lot of money to spend to do learn about something you don't really care too much for. In any event, I"m switching majors next year to music simply because...it just feels like that's what I should be doing. I think I'm going to become a teacher, and compose on the side, sending off demo tapes, etc. to various companies and hope for a bite. My ex and I have been apart for about 7-8 months now (I've lost count, which is a good thing!) and there are times when I really miss having her as well. But as tiger_lilies said I think it might be the comfort I miss. She too has a new boyfriend and has moved on. In a lot of ways I see him a far better match for her than I was (they have more in common, are in the same program in college, etc.) but there's still that feeling that I should be with her. It hurts, some times, to think about her with the new guy. It almost seems unfair, really. She ended it, broke my heart, left me so hurt that it was hard to get through a day without thinking about her or crying at least once (in the beginning), and yet, she found someone new, has moved on, is happy, and seemingly unphased by the fact that we're no longer together. It seems unfair that she should be the one that gets to find happiness when she's the one that made me so unhappy. But that's the mind of the "dumpee" I suppose. The best realization I've had since the break up is that...life is what you make it. And if choose to be miserable then you will be. This is why I've started to get back into the things I stopped doing when her and I were together, and have been trying to get together as much as possible with the friends I neglected during the relationship. I'm in a band again, and performing music, which I didn't do the entire year that her and I were together if only because I wanted to spend so much time with her, or if she were to ask me to come over I would drop everything and rush right over. Today I am happy again. Much happier than I have been in a really long time, and I think it's because I finally took control and started making an effort to be happy again. I started to look at myself and tried to figure out what it was that I did that made me happy *before* she was in my life. I think I've rediscovered a good majority of that, and consequently, have rediscovered myself, while also discovering new things that I didn't know before. It has been an extremely rewarding experience so far, and I know that I'm only just starting. Small town! My goodness yes! I've been living here for about 4 years as well. There's nothing to do, nowhere to meet people, I'm bored, and I want to leave. My closest friends all live in the town I used to live in which is about an hour drive away, and though I do get down there often...it's kind of a pain in that I can't really afford the gas, and my car isn't in the greatest of shape. =/ And most of my other friends are gone off to University. In any event...I guess I don't really have any advice but some times it's just nice to know that you're not alone. My plan is to switch majors to music, and move out of this town when I can afford it. I think tiger lilies had the best advice in that you should travel. The only problem with travel is the money, and I can completely relate to tuition fees and loans...the cost of education keeps getting higher every year. I saw a great quote on TV recently: "I can't afford to be smart." Despite school costs, I'm slowly accumilating a "Trip to Japan" fund. I've always wanted to go to Japan. My goal is to get there if not this year, then definitely next. Sorry for the length. I tend to just let my ideas flow when I write. ^_^; Good luck in all your future endeavours. And keep in mind that the world is full of wonderful people and exciting opportunities. You've just gotta get out there and find them. Cheers, -Rysen

For me I tend to find glasses very attractive, but I also wear glasses, so that could be the reason. I saw on a TV show somewhere that Da Vinci had a theory that the characteristics you find most physically attractive, on someone's face, are something you could find on your own. (or something to that affect, I don't quite remember...) so I always attributed the fact that because I wear glasses myself, I find them more attractive. It's a neat theory. I looked for awhile to see if I could find a link on that theory for people to read, but I came up empty-handed. =/ The girl I'm seeing now has glasses, but doesn't wear them very often at all. Although I think she's extremely attractive with out, I think she's even more attractive with them on. So, I guess it really just depends on the person. For me glasses rock!

Heya, I was in a similar situation with my ex...we were great friends before, and during our relationship. We both always feared that if something were to ever happen that our friendship would be ruined. So, when she ended it last spring, we both knew we wanted to be friends. Unfortunately, it was incredibly difficult on both of us. Well, I'm not sure how difficult it was on her, but I found it pretty harsh as I didn't want the break up, and all the while I constantly hoped for her to change her mind. I think that is why I tried to be her friend and still did really nice things for her. I guess I was trying to prove to her that I'm a really great guy, and that she should take me back. In any event, it hurt me every time I saw her. We'd hang out, have a great time, and I'd go home and cry...and I just started wondering if it was worth it any more. So, the day she left for University I told her I couldn't be her friend yet, that it still hurt me too much. I think that this is exactly what we needed. I'm not sure if it's the same for all people, but definitely in a lot of situations there needs to be a grace period where there is no contact, and each person can go and clear their head. My hope, and the words I told her that last time we spoke, is that, after enough time has passed, we could come together and start anew with a clean slate. People often change, so who's to say if she'll be even close to the same person the next time I talk to her? Sorry, for the long reply, I tend to be over-zealous in my writing. I guess my actual point is...as sprkal said you can't expect things to ever be the same between you two, but I honestly believe that you can build something new when enough time has passed, and you two feel you both are ready. That something new could be a great friendship, or a new relationship, you can never really tell. No, it'll never be the same as before but that doesn't mean that it can't be good again. As for your question, do you have to meet someone new in order to truly get over your ex...well I've often wondered that myself, and am still asking that question. I am kind of seeing someone new (but that's a whole different post it definitely no longer hurts as much, and every day that passes it gets better all the time, but I still think about her often enough that I still feel down from time to time. I'm not sure that it is the only solution to moving on, but I know it definitely helps. You're in a difficult situation here, and I can completely relate, I just know that for me the idea of a friendship with my ex isn't possible at this time. I'm just not ready, but I am confident that some day, if our paths were to cross again, that we could be great friends again. That time just isn't now. I wish you all the best. Cheers, -Rysen

Thank you all so very much for your kind words and support. I am so happy that I found this forum at the time that I did, because it has been a tremendous help to me in these hard times. It is truly inspiring to see so many strangers all around the world reach out and try to help each other in any way that they can. reflex: I've sent you a PM with the relative parts that wrote. Thanks again everyone. Cheers, Rysen

Thanks for the quick replies You both have made me feel a lot better about it. Rich: Did you get a reply from her? I didn't...so I think that's what's bothering me is that I don't know how she took it. I'm extremely close to her best-friend and could ask, I suppose, but I really don't want her friend involved anymore. I know she probably didn't take it well, and I can just picture her crying as she was reading it...it kills me to see her hurt in any way y'know? But you're right. At the end of the day you have to look out for yourself, and this is what I need to do to move on. uj2004: I completely understand what you mean about the two feelings that her contacting you gives you. For me it was either false hope, or hurt. Some times she would act like I was incredibly important, and it would feel like we were still together (false hope), and then the next time I would see her, she would ignore me, and act completely indifferent towards me. (hurt). And I also understand about maintaing that hope...that's another part of why I have doubts. I wonder if that because of this, I have closed the door on all chance of reconciliation....but I suppose at the end of the day, there comes a point where we all either get what we want, or take that last step needed to move on. Thanks guys. You really helped me feel better. I hope you guys feel better soon too. Cheers, Rysen