Mix Maxster

there's a lot of wisdom in this mans reply and although you may already recognize it, maybe its easier to protect yourself from having to go through it.

hey man, I really appreciate your comments dude as I wonder about those things you mentioned. See in my experience I would normally just jump on this and start going on a bit stronger. I wasn't sure if I would be too pushy if I began to try jumping in there. I mean she just got out of a 2 and a half year relationship with a guy she was in love with, I would like to think I would be able to snag this girl, but I'm being more careful than I normally would because she's in a fragile state. Perhaps I am playing it safe and am afraid of rejection? I didn't think I was, but I also could be hiding that from myself. Thanks again and let me know why you think that it wouldn't be as big as a deal as I think it is, oddly enough there's another side of it that wants to believe I don't have to worry about this crap.

Any guy who has a problem with their friend having any involvement with their ex doesn't have it together. And a man lives his life to what his desires are, not someone elses.

Tragedy, I like the fact that you can admit you could see yourself fall for this girl as I think being able to do that is important. Trust is such a big thing in relationships and how such a general word can describe so many underlying things in relationships. Simply from composure to being is a matter of trust. For someone who says they'll "straighten out their finances" but never do and shout out "WHY AM I ALWAYS BROKE!" is hard to trust. You see that they say something they mean, but don't actually follow through with it. This is simply an example. Obviously there's more to it and this post isn't about the explanation aspect, but it does help understand this man's situation. He's been "beaten" on in relationships through dishonesty and betrayal and although the want to perhaps "be involved" becomes increasingly difficult when you begin to think "what's the point? chances are I'll go through the same problem" and there's a LOT of truth to this. Think of how many people out there have lives they live when they're single and almost asked to give that up because of relationship expectations. If you could have it any other way, wouldn't you want to live like you are single WHILE being in a relationship? I know that's what I'm aiming for. Of course commitment and fidelity is a serious matter when it comes to a relationship once it has been formed, but having a life outside of each other I feel is equally important. Being too involved in each others life leads to someone feeling "suffocated" and its usually the one who has a purpose they feel they've given up on. The only thing you can really do in this case man is ask yourself if this girl is worth your time and energy enough to see it through. Reaffirming to her that her pushiness or implied relationship is forming too much pressure and is acting as an attraction killer more than anything. Instead of saying straight up that you could see yourself falling for her, tell her what it is about her that WOULD cause you to fall for her so that she gets that impression and tell her that she needs to see where things go instead of trying to direct it a certain way. Far too many good potential relationships fail when two people confuse the feelings they have about a situation with how to act. Its pretty irrelevant to each situation in that what difference does it truly make if you stay with this girl or any other girl, really. I mean they all start to blend together and the same can be said for men. What really makes the difference though is when you recognize where things go wrong and aim to work on that instead of going through the same patterns and ending up in familiar resentment towards the other person.

actually it does if you know how to do it properly. In the situation where she's right infront of you it makes it hard. But all it takes is a little pause and about a good half minute to do. I will look straight, look in my peripheral view of vision, feel the flow of air going into my nose while feeling my stomach and chest expanding and releasing. I find that by noticing those three things and making sure to concetrate on those three things, that the anxiety and nervousness subsides quite a bit. It helps you to gain focus on the situation and pay more attention to her than yourself, which I find is where the anxiety usually comes from. I've found that I often will still have this problem, but by using that technique it definitely has helped. Also when you start to remove the general "worries" or things that cause the anxiety to begin with (typically a thought about the present situation that takes over all other mental faculties) that you'll soon realize how "dumb" it is to focus on those things and pay more attention to the situation and feeling that as opposed to worrying about the past or future. You may wonder how all this plays into it, but you'd be surprised.

where do you live? i'll date you. lol but honestly in my experience I've found that what you describe has happened to me too many times to count. It gets easier when you realize that the anxiety and "unwanted attention" is really irrelevant and unnecessary. But since you wanted a story, I"ll give you one. Really it was awkward and hard to adjust to at first, but I remember when I was interested in this one girl and wanted to date her that it started off as me seeing if she was single. Finding out that she was single, from there I asked her to hang out with me to which she was happy to. Then we went on your typical date (dinner and movie) and we talked and got to know one another. I realized that I liked her and although I was anxious about not knowing what was happening, I was intrigued and excited at the same time (the feeling of butterflies in ones stomach comes to mind). From that point on it was simply a matter of opening up to each other more and seeing how alike and different we were in interests and likes/dislikes and the similarities in views, boundaries and thoughts and feelings we had. When we realized that we shared more of the important things and still found we were attracted to each other, we took it upon ourselves to make steps to become bf/gf. It seemed pretty obvious from the start that that's what it was going to lead to anyways, so it was simply a matter of it naturally progressing to that state. That first relationship of mine lasted for about 2.5 years before we decided to split and I've been very casual about finding another gf since. I've had opportunities come up to enter into a relationship, but I see it as why ask if you two are a couple or try to make something out of it as opposed to just being there with each other, doing bf/gf things and being happy with the uncertainty of where you two stand. Its hard to be this way, but the freedom and love associated with it makes it harder for them to find reason to push away. If you need someone to talk to about it, you can always PM me and I"ll respond as soon as I can. Cheers

Dates and "going out" is dumb because I feel it puts too much pressure on the situation. Instead of focusing on going out to have a good time and enjoying each others company, there's got to be that air of judgement that makes one wonder if "things are going well" or not. Already I feel that she likes me and because of the circumstances I DO need to approach this carefully and patiently. Thankfully I am this way with all girls now and how I'm approaching this is exactly how I'd approach any other girl. The biggest thing right now is trust and not making her vulnerable in the way she will choose to pull out of if she feels pressured. I guess in my view I see it as, well if we both like each other then why not? Unfortunately its not that simple and I know this already, if I come on too strong I know she'll get the wrong impression and want to "run" away before seeing where it could go. I also don't want her to cheat herself out of something that could be great just because she's scared to. See what I'm saying now?

Hey everyone, I'm trying to figure out some things when it comes to dating. Everything is pretty new to me it seems and yet the anxiety I used to face before isn't there so much anymore. There's this one girl I am particularly liking at the moment and although I don't usually like being attached right away, I feel that she's attracte to me but I honestly don't have any idea. She's got a cool personality, she's good looking and we can tease each other pretty good. Now I'm just not sure where I stand, for all I know I can be just one of those "friends" girls talk about. You know, the one they'll include in hanging out with friends or the kind they'll go shopping with, but the one they're not attracted to or would even date. To end this quickly, I'm still trying to figure out if she's attracted to me, but its not like I want to push for anything or be a chump and ask her. I'm trying to be trustable and friendly the best way I know how, by being honest and myself. I feel like she likes me, but I could be wrong and she's just like that with anyone. For all I know, she finds me completely unattractive and would laugh if I asked her, but I think its too soon to be pushing for that sort of an answer and that's why I'd appreciate feedback on this. I feel like something could progress here, but I'm really not sure. Any ideas?

I've found that the constant erection and ejactulating would eventually cause my penis to be sore. If endurance and wear weren't a problem well then I found that when I was really horny I could do it once every 30 minutes or so. I've orgasmed twice within 5 minutes, but I've only managed to do that a few times.

It really sounds like you are suffering. Whatever it is that is "missing" or causing the suffering, you seek out in a relationship for. And what you haven't learned to do yet is to be nurturing to yourself, so you find external ways (i.e. relationships, cutting yourself, food is another big one if you find yourself eating a lot.) and it gives you the feeling that you are feeling better when really you're just camouflage it. Perhaps this could give some perspective to what is happening.

By making the choice yours. Afterall you get to decide whether or not she's in your life. Really. If you're not going to be played for a fool, then don't let her. Put her in her place and don't let her take you down. You need to be ready to walk away and I mean this. Don't be afraid to even if it means losing everything that you built together. The ironic thing is that NOT taking action is more likely to mess up what you had than putting her in her place. I don't mean be downright rude and nasty to her, but it's time you showed some strength and let her know that she doesn't have power over you. Its time to be the one in control and not give her a choice in whether or not she can disrespect you. She needs to know you won't allow any of it and have no time for someone who thinks they can. If you can't do this I think the problem goes above anything mentioned.

Man not enough people are "honest" in this world. I was once suicidal and just saying that you WERE suicidal is enough to scare people away. Looking back I realize how much I could have lost if I had been successful and I too wondered about the people I would hurt, but the one person I didn't consider was myself. People will say they love you and mean it, but unfortunately they can't always be there or do the things we would hope for. It can be selfish to ask that they go out of their way, but it's another thing when the only time they try is when they feel they have to. Appreciation, love and respect are things that require people to take notice and give with no reciprocity. Unfortunately we do live in a fast paced society and we are left to fend for ourselves. I'd glady try to convince you of all of life's luxuries and nuances, but that doesn't help. What needs to change is finding your own inner light, the kind that can guide you when things are dark. Many times we are left to figure these things on our own and are never taught to love and appreciate ourselves as the unique individuals we are. Instead we're lead to believe we're inadequate and should change ourselves to fit into societies view. We live in a quick fix society, one where we are built to receive things right now. Instead of waiting 3-5 days for a letter, we can e-mail someone accross the world in the time it takes to type a message. We don't have to order many things as we can walk to most any kind of shop and find what we're looking for. It's hard to have to wait or to work on something when we've grown accustomed to this type of reality. The biggest thing is trying to find a cause to someone's behaviour as a mental disease or something that requires medication to fix when all it does is mask the symptoms of something deeper and more pyschological. I used to wake up feeling good some days and just completely miserable others. Things would bug me and I would become completely frustrated and wrapped up in whatever it was that started it. I would hope and pray that it would get better and believed that it would, but bad things still happened and my situation never got better. I remember what it felt like to lose all hope and to already feel dead when I was alive. And I know that exact feeling you get when you cry out for help and people treat you like some disease they're afraid to catch. Looking back I can laugh at how I used to be and how thankful I am that I am alive. I have a very hard time trying to make ends meet and things look dismal, but I know that I'm the only chance I have at making it in this world and I will find a way. I never was proactive in any part of my life, especially when it came to defining my happiness. I thought maybe one day I'll wake up and everything will be different and I'll be fine. The truth is though is that we need to be the ones in control of ourselves. Who we are, what we want out of life, whether or not we are happy and that is a choice, how we behave and act, our goals and beliefs, etc. It's up to us to seek these things out and to discover them on our own. Afterall, do you really want someone else telling you how you should live?

You know what the interesting thing is though? As a kid that went through having his parents divorce, I must say that not once not ONCE did I actually ever hear the things I really needed to hear. My parents never admitted things, they pretended to be perfect and act as if my behaviours and actions were a result of something outside of their divorce when in fact it had everything to do with what I was going through. It's one thing to affect a child's life because you two couldn't work it out, but it's another to blindly let your ego get in the way that you can't even admit anything to your child just to help them with going through it all. Especially when they don't have any choice but to deal with it and wonder why it all happened. Now I'm not a professional, I'm not a woman and I'm especially not this guy's wife, but surely I'm not the only one that can at least read into what is going on here. I can sorta relate as I once went through bouts of depression and irrational behaviour, but there was a lot that contributed to it that meds alone and councelling alone wouldn't fix. My ex had to endure all of it with me and I'm truly sorry she had to go through all of it, but I know now that I wanted to fix things... I just didn't know how to or what to do. This guy friend of hers played into it all and got what he wanted from her. Or maybe there's something else going on between them and simply want you to remain oblivious toit. The brutal end fact though is that you got to really listen to her in this, you have to hear what she is saying and what she is truly wanting. Not what you think you're hearing or what you want to hear, but what she is actually saying. It's very tempting to go for what is familiar and what we know best because it's safe to us, it's predictable and its something we can comfortably handle. Unpredictable, unfamiliar things put us into a state of over-analysing and constant rationalizing so that we can make sense of it all. In your case man the only best advice that one can actually give is in the end to actually listen to her and actually see how she reacts to everything. People aren't always good at asking for help or really knowing what to do because as much as people try to help someone discover something, in the end only that individual can make the leap. That's where one can only help those that want to be helped. Good luck with everything and I hope things work out for the best. Max

Man what is happening to the male population these days? Are we really being completely brainwashed? Man why do you got to act this way? She cheated on you for obvious reasons and yes this is harsh, but its better than allowing you to continue on this way. Look, you're a man and as a man you have to control yourself and how you handle yourself. Things will always happen that are outside of your control and you have to be ok with that. You choose how you feel and what you think and don't ever allow it to control you. That said, I want you to know that what is important is for you to think about what you're going to do for yourself not what she's going to do for herself. It's all about you because it's your life, why allow her to get away with anything. I always have to wonder how my other guy friends are so fast to just allow things to go back to the way they were instead of actually changing things like they originally planned on. If she actually had sex with a guy while with you, then I would never give them another chance. But if she slept with this guy after she broke up, then you need to get this through your head that she don't belong to you and is free to do as she pleases when you've broken up. People don't have to stay faithful, but they do anyways. The two most important things to remember is that the girl is never the prize, we are the prize and if you do your part, no woman is ever going to want to cheat on you. Afterall, ask women how hard it is to find a good man. max

Hey man, Cheers on your post. I commend you for your attitude. But I do have a word of caution and that is that the second you start putting your hopes up or thinking that by her saying yes that it will make your day, that also means that it can ruin your day if she says no. Sure, you'll be ready for either response, but it still doesn't help dealing with it does it? As a person who has been through a similar stage, I will say that you will get to where you want to be so long as you believe you'll get there. The next part is knowing that you'll get there and will do what you can do in the mean time to get there. Next is actually doing. In this case I would say that you should most definitely ask this girl out, but it's very important that you know why you are. The obvious short answer is to get a girl I am assuming? But remember the important things such as will you actually get along with her or will it mean that you'll have to change yourself to be with her? (acting different, etc.) I will tell you that what you're saying about confidence and going for what you want, is the BEST thing you can do! Trust me man, if I had someone who was able to tell me this stuff I WISH I had someone back then. I'd be glad to help you out some more to get you going if you'd like, or if you feel like you will manage on your own, then the best to you. Good luck and let us know how it goes.