faraday

I think because it's such a short amount of time to see everyone, he probably wants to pack it right full of visiting. It's tough I know when Jay and I travel to visit family, he does a lot of things without me. I need a few hours everyday of alone time...or I become extremely miserable to be around. We talked about it beforehand, and now he asks (in private), "we're planning on doing x, do you want to come, or have downtime?" Although I want him to go away lol, not spend it with me. Would you want S to spend downtime with you, or go do visiting without you? Did you explain your needs ahead of time?

My guess would be that because they had issues of jealousy before...where he would make comments if she wore high heels out, and wonder why she was going to live music events (with friends)...(because the only reason people go out is to meet someone new)...and even if he's not saying those things now...those words/judgements are probably still bouncing around in reinvent's head. I might be totally off base, but that's what I'm guessing. It would be hard to let go of those judgements and just be free.

I can understand the sad. It's not fair to have that kindness taken advantage of. It's not fair that your mom put other people first (intentional or not). I can't believe that he won't get out. I can't believe that he's not looking at you and saying "this is her child, I need to protect her"...I mean, by even in a fatherly way, just in a "this is the family of the woman that I loved" kind of way. I don't understand that. I also don't understand how it can be 50/50 when there isn't more to put in. Shouldn't the debts be shared then too? Why does this only benefit him? The law is stupid sometimes. It's not fair

I've read your post through 6 times and thought about it a lot, and I'm still thinking wt.h? Your mom really did have a heart of gold. And was apparently blinded by love... if she knew he was taking advantage of her kids, I'd like to think she would be very unimpressed with him. I don't even understand how any of this can happen...how you and your brother could end up owing him. I don't understand how her lawyer isn't giving you more options. IAG, I know you want to follow through with your moms wishes, but now that you see this man- how he took advantage of your mothers kindness- can you stop this from continuing? Is there anyway to evict him? I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all of this. It would be really heartbreaking to now see how much your mother sacrificed for him, how much she loved him...and how he's not respecting that enough to reciprocate that kindness back to you now.

I just saw this. I need to think on it a bit before I respond...but you're always allowed to write wherever you like- I get your pain and anger and fear...I'm here for you. I'll write by tomorrow...need to think through what I want to say. Just wanted to let you know- I saw it, and I'm thinking about you.

My heart hurts for you, friend. I've been sitting here for 15 minutes trying to think of something to say, and now I'm crying lol. I wish I had words, all I have is tears. I'm sorry that you're hurting today. Just remember her. I'm reading one of the books Tines teacher sent home. 20170323/a0cef28d82d7b68909487bf964725420.jpg

You seem to have come pretty far then. I wouldn't have thought you were closed off or shut down..so good work Do you feel like it's changed your relationship with your bf much? If so, does your bf like that you're more open? Sometimes I think Jay wishes I was less in touch with my feelings lol.

I don't understand....are you saying that most young people don't have role models with strong work ethic? Wouldn't that indicate that this isn't a generational issue?

I think work ethic can totally be taught. I didn't have a strong one when I was younger...it developed by having a few managers that cared, and by liking those managers- when I could empathize with *why* they wanted me to do things, I started to care more about getting things done because I liked them. And I come from very hardworking parents. My mom called in sick twice in 26 years at the company she worked for. They spent weekends working on their yard, on their rental properties...working overtime (at their salaried jobs)...my moms house was/is immaculately clean. You could go there any day at any time and it would be spotless. They really are overachievers. But...They were also pretty miserable...so that was my take away as a young person- working hard makes you miserable. My dad always told me work isn't supposed to be enjoyable- you toil away to pay your bills. That sounded terrible to me. I needed to see examples of happy coworkers, happy managers before I understood that working hard doesn't have to be a chore. Working hard makes the day go by faster...working hard gives you a sense of satisfaction. But I needed to see that in others before I could realize it. What really changed my work ethic in a hurry was becoming self employed...when I hired my own employees...oh man lol. I quickly realized how and why to be a good employee.

How old (about) are you journeynow? Most of my friends were graduating (or had graduated a year or two) right around the 2008 recession. It is interesting how each generation is raised. I was raised maybe in a bit more old school way- I was raised with "I'll give you something to cry about" as well...and that idea of "ask not what your country/company can do for you, ask what you can do for your country/company" (dad is very patriotic and believes also that companies will look out for your (the "worker") best interest. So maybe I'm different than a lot of my peers. I was told that I needed to work hard, nothing in life is free...that I can't be an artist, I shouldn't go to school- I just needed to find an entry level job and work my way up. Find a husband that's a good provider. My brother did the work out way up thing, my dad is super pleased. I couldn't. I tried...I got promoted a few times, I was recognized as being a hard worker...but it just wasn't the fit for me. I wanted something different. A belief that a lot of people born into my generation was raised to believe- that we can make difference, and we can love our careers. I was okay taking a pay cut to enjoy my job...so I went that route. It worked out for me. I think a lot of things are different with this generation...because this is the first time (in our living memory) that our expectations aren't the same as reality. I'm talking about how after the depression our grandparents came back from the war not expecting much (because they grew up during the depression)...and they worked hard...the wives raised the children, they lived on one income...and they prospered. They lived better than they thought they would. They bought their houses, and raised their children, and experienced this huge boom in quality of life that had never existed before. They lived in a world of abundance. Of TV dinners. And washing machines. Most families had a car, a home, they were able to put away money for retirement...and they instilled in their children "work hard and you will prosper like we did,". And so the boomers went out into the world...they got jobs, they worked their way up in companies...they bought houses- even bigger houses than their parents..and both adults had cars...and they did even better than they ever thought they would. Better than their parents had. They prospered. So they raised their children Ina world of plenty, giving them participation trophies and telling them "work hard, and you can have anything you want." And so this generation has went out into the world...and they can't get jobs like their parents did. So they went to school...and worked hard, and got degrees, and graduated...to find that the only jobs available are jobs at Starbucks...or internships....or jobs where they can't pay their student loans and rent at the same time. They can't afford to buy houses because the market value of a home is 5-10 times what they were 20 years ago...and their job at Starbucks will not cut it. The reality doesn't match the expectations set. We were told "work hard and you'll have what I have"...but it's not really working out that way I think when reality is so far below what expectations are...it breeds contempt. It feels unjust. Not right. But it is what it is. We pay off our student loans to degrees that don't help us...and we save...and buy houses (or hope to buy houses)...and we hope that one day we'll be able to retire. We hope that one day we'll be able to have what our parents have. But we'll see. I keep hearing about the bubble of capitalism bursting...so we'll see where that takes us. All I know...is that my parents and their friends often talk about how my generation is not as capable as they were back in the day. Not as resourceful. But knowing the people that I do...I don't agree. I know a lot of hardworking people. Resourceful people. Capable people. And if they had the same opportunities, they would be thriving too.

Do you think that the attitude could potentially be from going to school for ___ years, getting out into the workforce (with student loans) and having employers ask them do internships without pay? Or paying them a wage that they can't/can barely live on? That didn't happen to me, but I would feel frustrated if it did. And I see it happening all the time. I have many friends with degrees (in relevant fields) making $40,000 a year to start...and they have a degree. One of the reasons I didn't finish school is that at the time my friends were graduating, I was making more than them working at Costco...with no student loan debt. Idk, it's just a thought. I will say though that throughout history, every single generation berates the younger generations as lazy and entitled. It's just how society works. So I try not to take it personally...and I'll try to remember not to generalize my daughters generation when I'm older. I guess it's just hard being called the generation of participation trophies...when it wasn't me handing them out. I was six years old, I wasn't asking for trophies...or having them made for myself.

I'm a millennial...many of my friends are. I get that a lot of my friends lived at home until close to 30, so that makes them all losers (in the eyes of older generations)...but it's different than when my parents were young. My parents were high school drop outs...and they made a better salary (dad made $65,000 and mom made $45,000 a year- and that was 25 years ago!) than Jay does with a degree in a science field (his base pay is around $60,000). They bought their first house for $85,000....a house. You can't even buy a condo for that. Our downpayment on our house (which costs less than my parents current home) was more than the entire purchase price of their home. So people can say millennials are entitled...I think a lot of them are frustrated. The idea of homeownership is...not a reality for many in my generation. Wages have not went up enough to support house prices...or the cost of living....so more people need to stay home longer...work multiple jobs...struggle. It's funny, my parents talk about how much they struggled back with their $85,000 mortgage...we had to save that amount for a downpayment while paying rent. And my parents don't understand at all our struggle lol.

What kind of goals did you set in therapy? (If it's too personal to share, no worries...you can also make them generic, or examples if that's less intrusive). I'm curious because I know I need to start a journey and I'm not sure even where to start.

Thoughts?

Hey IAG, I couldn't respond before now because I couldn't handle any more emotions...and your post hits close to home and brings up a lot of emotions for me...so it's a tough one. You're right, it is normal to have the ebb and flow of emotions...some days you feel almost numb to them and other days they threaten to drown you. I can completely relate to feeling older. I think a lot of times experience makes us older because it wearies us...we become heavier with the weight of knowledge. Like how children of abuse and alcoholism always seem to have this quiet beyond their years thing going on...I've always been older because of moms drinking...because of moving out at 14...living in shelters and foster homes...it changes you when you don't grow up in a "normal" household. It's like you've seen more of the big picture and...the more you see of it, the older you feel. I'm sorry that you feel like you need to get a handle on all of this before your bf comes back. It's completely understandable...I mean, I know I felt bad for not being happy and fun around Jay...like he deserves to be with old me, not the current sad me...you know, the me that he signed up for....I don't know if you can ever fully go back though. Your heart is different now. Just don't put too much pressure on yourself to be like before...you're dealing with a lot of emotions...and if this makes him bail, he's not the right one. But he sounds like a good one....so trust that he'll have you back He'll love the new you too...because you're wiser, kinder, and more empathetic...and now you have an even greater appreciation for those good moments. At the height of my moms sickness I often felt like...what's the point? We live, we struggle, we struggle more and we die. I think it's depression talking though...keep an eye on that voice saying those things...because that's a voice that is trying to pull you under. Find the light, IAG. Find the reasons that you live for...and focus on those. Not the sad...because there is so much sad in the world...we need to really be joyous as much as possible. Thinking of you. Thank you for posting in my journal, your posts are always a bright spot for me. I feel like we have an understanding...it's neat

How have things been now that you're back at work? Do you have more therapy appointments scheduled? I hope you're doing self care...taking baths, going to the gym (or getting some kind of physical outlet)...and eating things that are nourishing. Politics are very polarizing right now. It's weird, there are sides like there never has been before...even here in canada. It would be tough right now to not agree with your partner on politics...especially because so much of it right now is about human rights. My dad and I have always disagreed on politics, and it was never a big deal. We joked about it. But lately...with his blind following of Fox News, I'm finding it hard to joke about. It feels personal...like he's against me. Like he thinks less of minorities, less of women, less of the LGBT community...every time he voices support for the other side, it feels like an affront to who I am. And that sucks so much. Hopefully it's not that extreme with your bf...but yeah....maybe avoid politics for a while lol.

It might be good to get back into routine...even if you're not totally with it at work...to be around people regularly again- especially ones that haven't seen your struggle/grief (so they'll act more "normal") is probably good for the continuing on with life part (the "moving on") of the processing. Not easy...but necessary I wish everyone had an employer like yours...she must really think you're special to have been so accommodating...you must do good work I'm sorry that yesterday was rough. Some days will be awesome- you'll take steps forward and feel like you've got everything under control...and other days will knock you on your as$. I'm glad you were able to get alone time to recharge...hopefully you'll be able to get a bit more as you head back to work- that will be pretty draining, I imagine. Just ask for it when you need it. Don't feel guilty about it- self care is important. When mom was first diagnosed, I felt like I was in a haze for months...I didn't feel like myself...I felt like a shell of my former self...someone empty who was going through the motions of life without feeling them or really experiencing. It felt like I was watching my life instead of living it. I can't imagine the sadness and loss that you're experiencing- but I do know the feeling of not feeling like myself...and I hope you can connect with your life again soon. It's hard. Part of me felt really guilty when I did connect- when I felt joy and could laugh at something...like what right do I have to find joy today when her world will never be the same again? Eventually this new, emptier world becomes a new normal...and you will find laughter again...and you'll want to connect. I wish your heart a speedy recovery

Time to look into some electric fireplaces for back up! We have 3 of them...they help a lot when you need targeted heat, and they looks so pretty (we have one in our bedroom, my studio, and the dining room). Hope you got your furnance/heat sorted out. We had a morning where ours didn't kick on...and was it ever cold in the house that morning! Makes it so hard to get out of bed. I'm sorry about your car I did that one time- I hit a pillar in an underground parking garage...scraped/dented the side of my vehicle real good...luckily mine was paid off and old, so I wasn't devastated, just bummed out. I would cry if that happened to my current car. ****shudders*** soup out of a can?!?!? I can't even. That's gross lol. The only canned soups I can think of that aren't condensed are like those chunky soups with meat and potatoes and stuff...****shudders**** lol. That would weird me out so much!

Almost time to head back to work. Your employer is really incredible...what an amazing person to work for. How are you making out? Are you getting the loose ends tidied up? I'm sorry your mom didn't take care of things...that must be really frustrating to be dealing with- especially while you're trying to process her passing and deal with your grief. How is your brother doing?

I'm sorry that your neighbourhood is changing. That's happening to my inlaws place...they used to back onto a huge field, and it had a mountain in the distance, and a forest...so pretty. Then the land was sold, and now houses are going up- and they are so tall they obscure the view of the mountain! So my in laws are moving. Their new place doesn't have a view, but now if they walk a block, they're at the ocean...where as before it was a 15 minute drive...so they're happy with that trade off. They actually like their new place a lot more than the place they're moving from (they move in the middle of next month). Hopefully you end up finding something really nice Do you think you would find a place with your bf if you moved at this point? I'm sorry that you're in charge of the estate. I know it's a really stressful position to be in...hopefully she set things up so it's not complicated. How is your brother coping? It's really special that you guys took time to visit both mom and dad, and we're able to talk about things together. I don't think my brother will be able to do any of that...he shuts down. You're lucky to have each other. When do you go back to work?

We don't have rare burgers in canada. It's so weird to me when we've went to the states and someone at the table has ordered a burger and the server asks how they want it cooked. It's just not a thing here. But I've never been eaten ground beef. I've had steak...but the vegetarian for 23 years that still dwells inside me can't eat meat if it's been ground up. I don't trust it. Maybe I could eat a rare burger if I ground up my own burger from steak or something...but idk. I've never had a meat burger lol, it seems weird. Yeah....I have issues lol.

When I was 20 I got food poisoning from spaghetti that was past it's prime. Jay has somehow never had food poisoning (which I'm skeptical of)...so I think that's why he's all meh about it. But yeah, when you're violently expelling everything from your body for a day...you don't want to ever allow that to happen again. So not fun lol

I can't eat off the floor lol. Especially casserole, it's wet! That's funny. Eating things from the floor is actually pretty good for the immune system. When my girl was a baby/toddler I'd try to keep track of her, but jeez, she'd eat so much stuff off the floor...even at the grocery store But...she has an awesome immune system now...like she never gets sick. And as a toddler...she was perpetually sick. I guess it worked out- I'd rather her not miss school. But man, it was so gross.

I'm not weird about expiration dates...I can eat yogurt weeks after the date...same with eggs (you just see if they float)....I'm not weird about veggies that have sat in the crisper too long, they make it into stocks or soups... It's things that I've made. Mostly we eat vegetarian, so I think food is general good for a week after preparing it. And opened jar of pasta sauce...maybe 2 weeks (I check for mould)...but he wants to eat 3 week old leftovers...like he'll be insisting something is still good, and I'll put it out of the fridge and the container will have moulded. Or it smells funky. But he can't smell things, so he rarely believes me...I think I have a Really sensitive nose, I can smell the garbage a few days before he can...and when clementine was a baby, I could smell a diaper on a different floor (and no one else could). Oh man, I just checked out that site...and now I'm going to be even more paranoid! Things I think are okay, are like a week past when they should be eaten (according to that site anyway) lol. I mean, we never have stomach issues, so I don't think we eat food that's already turned...maybe we've built up a tolerance lol.

How are things going today? It's hard to find bearings after someone important passes. Your days are so different right now...you spent weeks (months?) with your mom everyday...and now she's gone. What is the new normal? It will take time to make a new one. Did her partner live with her? Do you need to deal with closing up her home, or will he? I'm glad you have your bf and cat to go home to Thinking of you.