My sad story. Please help me!

Okay, I'm really sorry to for those of you that read my original post, but since I first wrote it, I have come to question so many things and am beginning to wonder what the hell is going on with me. The basic story is still the same but what I am feeling is much different now. I feel that in past posts I have not been honest enough...and thereforeeee....I am not getting the responses I'd hoped for. So I am going to lay it all out on the table right here...for what it's worth. So, I am going to start from the beginning in hopes of maybe getting accross to someone out there. After I starting writing this, it is becoming very long so I do apologize for that. But I don't know how else I can explain it...other than just letting it all out. If you have the time, Please read it....it is very emotional and shows a lot of struggle through my life. It may even help people understand homosexuality a little better.

about me...

I am currently 19 years old. I live in a very conservative area where anything other than pure heterosexuality is "feared" and "hated." I am suffering from severe depression. I question the point in living almost every night as I lay in bed. I have very few friends (by that I mean like a couple.) I am extremely self-conscious. I have a very low self-esteem. And, I just dream of another life all the time. I hate who I am, and where my life is heading right now is not worth living. As I have best put it....Every day I can't wait for tomorrow--every day comes and goes and yet, its as if tomorrow doesn't exist.

the story...

When I was a young child, along the lines of 8 or so, my parents split up. I was given the decision of who I wanted to live with and I chose my dad. A couple years later, my grandmother passed away (the best way I can describe her is that she was an angel on Earth) But for the next five or so years, I don't have much memory of at all (the greatest part of childhood and I have no memories... ) From what I understand now, I was a little hellion. I lied all the time. My grades weren't very good for as smart as I am. I would be extremely over-defensive and fight if slightly threatened. All and all, I really didn't have many friends at all at this time in my life and no girlfriends. (I don't know if this is really relevant or not but it might partially contribute to problems I am having now so I included it.)

Once I hit about 14 or 15, I was completely changed. I was a well-behaved young-man basically. Only, now I believe that this is where my depression can be traced to. This is basically who I am now. I was very quiet. And going into high school being completely non-outgoing and not having many friends to begin with---well....not a good combination. I was not popular at all. No girls wanted to be around me. Again....not many friends at all. I wasn't really picked on but it was one of those situations where ten people would be sitting at a table and I would come along and there would be none there within a few minutes. Days came and went by. My grades were up, as I was very intelligent and my test scores were always great, though I never seemed to have any intereast or care whatsoever outside of school. So what could have been perfect grades were brought down by the lack of homework I did. Now that I look back, I think this is where I first started developing the "I don't really care about my life" attitude. Again all and all, no girlfriends, and not many friends.

Now, to start getting into it...

Through the first 12 years of my life, girlfriends were out of the question, but, in the other hand, so were boyfriends. I didn't have really any intimate feeling towards any sex. But, I think that my sexuality was beginning to shape itself during this time. I remember when I was 11, my best friend at the time (which I only saw about twice a month) stayed over one night. He was sleeping in my bed, and I was on the floor. I don't know why, or where it came from, but I just had to try on the clothes he had brought with him. Now, they were clean as they were his change for the next day, but I put on his sweat pants and shirt. I took them off and put them back in the bag...like nothing happened. It was probably about a year with nothing like that again. Then, I turned 13. This is where I starting developing sexual feelings (not necesarrily for any person or gender, but more like arousal and small things like that.) I thought there were some girls that were good-looking, but no girlfriends. The kicker though--I had these feelings that I just had to put on certain boys clothes that I thought were "cute". Thus, my secret begins. This went on for five years. I would take things like boxers and whatever....preferrably dirty clothes. Anyway, I wanted to go out with girls but since I was so quiet, shy, and unpopular.....no dates. But, as much as I thought that some girls were good-looking, it was the cute boys that got me aroused. I can't explain why. But the thought of being with another boy was just so--well--arousing to me. Now, I still never thought of myself as gay. It just never hit me that, OMG, I like people of the same sex.

where it gets interesting...

I was now 17 and going into my senior year in high school. I still hadn't had much thought about whether or not I was gay. I was pretty much a straight teenager, but I still never had a girlfriend; I'd never even been kissed before. The year started and was like any other year in that days just came and went.

During lunch time, I'd started sitting with one of the guys who I thought was cute. Now, he wasn't popular by any means either--he also wasn't a loaner--he was more one of those people that everybody kinda likes but he didn't have many "friends." He was in about 75% of my classes. So as the year began, he talked to me and we would talk in class and stuff. About a month into the year, he asked me if I wanted to go bowling with him; thus, our friendship begins.

We would become inseperable in classes. Every weekend we would be out doing something together. We were slowly developing a great friendship. We never fought with each other. We would eventually come to be able to talk to the other about anything. We became best friends. I'd have no problem spending an hour on the phone with him (which for me is a very long time to have a conversation.)

We would joke around with each other. We'd even wrestle around some (o so fun for me ) But, nothing was ever sexual--nothing even close....unless you consider wrestling around fully-clothed along those lines. It had never really hit me until about a month or two prior to graduation that I was actually falling in love with him. I was in love with another guy. The thing was though--depression hadn't really set in as he was always there almost every day picking me up. I never really thought about "being gay." I was just happy thinking about good things happening in most days. The best way I can put this is that I was happy. My grades in school were the best they've ever been. And, I had a best friend that was absolutely wonderful. Little did I know that all the happiness that I was experiencing was about to end.

Graduation came and went. Summer started--we started working our separate summer jobs. Now's when I started thinking about the future. He was going to one college and I was going to another (roughly 250 miles away ) I started going into a state of depression that I am currently struggling with today. The thought of not seeing him for months at a time just crushed me.

After everything happening between us, I started thinking that he might feel the same way I do. The way he acted around me. The way he stared into my eyes with his beautiful blue eyes 8) . Thats actually when I discovered this website. I tried to ask for help and everybody backed me up. But now that I am writing this looking back, I think that I can say that he did love me. But he would never fall "in love" with me. He was like my big brother: even though we're the same age. I would have done anything to spend eternity with him. And that's no exageration. What I felt for him was "true love." The feeling was so overpowering.

Anyway, the time came for us to go our separate paths. College had begun. He was off having the time of his life--meeting new people--and even slowly beginning to change who he was. And, I was stuggling to meet people. Me being the overly self-conscious boy....had very little luck. For the first three months--days just dragged by. I had no friends. And I just could not stop thinking about my friend. Everywhere I went--everything I did--he was in my thoughts--in my dreams. He was driving me into a state of severe depression.

Me and my friend finally got together one weekend and I actually almost felt uncomfortable around him. He had all these great stories and all these friends he would tell me about and it seemed like I had nothing. But the weekend was over and back to school. My thoughts of him kept getting worse.

This basically repeats until summer came. But, I throughout all that I was going through, I still never thought of myself as gay. That changed though this past summer. I came to terms with it. I am in love with a person that will never feel the same way I do. I couldn't accept homosexuality though. I liked another male. And, I thought other males were atrractive. As much as I would try to convince myself that I am not gay--I would always end up checking out that hot guy on the other side. It wasn't until late summer that I finally accepted that I am gay. And ever since that point. I have gone from depression to thoughts of wanting to die. I hate myself and who I am. I can't help it. And I just can't try to live the life of a homosexual because no matter how hard I try not to care what people think of me--It crushes me and makes me crazy if I know someone is talking about me...or if someone doesn't like me.

As for my friend, I still think about him a lot, but now it is more of the past that wanting to be with him now. Now I actually feel uncomfortable around him. It's as if we are of two different worlds now. We still occasionally hang out when he's home (I didn't make it back to school this year) , but it's not the same. I know that he still cares about me. He was always there to pick me up in the past when I was depressed. And i'm sure he would be there now. But what scares me to death is what he would say if he knew I was gay. I mean, he's as straight as an arrow and is 100% against homosexuality as he is a very religious person. I think what kills me so much though is tha--if I don't tell him, I will always feel unappreciated because I think that he would hate me if I was gay, but if I would tell him, then he would just hate me. So it's a no win situation. He told me once that his friends at school think I'm gay--so there is a possibility that he has considered it himself. But what scares me is that he had confidence that I wasn't gay and never believed it. So....I dunno.

Right now I am sitting here writing this small story. It is Tuesday, December 28. I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't come-out to the world. I can't come-out to my friend. And I am so pathetic that I can't ever get close to anyone else. I try to be as nice as can be, but I have basically no friends. I hate my life. I hate who I am. And quite frankly, If I wasn't so worried about other people....I probably already would have killed myself. Call it a blessing--call it what you will. My life is heading nowhere. I've even tried looking on online personals just to see if there was anybody in the area.....of course...nothing. Support groups are not an option for me. I don't think I could talk to a counselor or therapist about my problems as--just like anybody else I could tell--scared to talk about it becase I have no self-confidence.

I feel so ALONE!!! And I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't end my life. I can't come out. I can't meet people. My friendship with my friend is slipping away. I feel like the only possible option is to go back to seventh grade and just re-live my life again--but that's not even possible.

Well, I am crying my eyes out right now. I am sorry for this long post. But maybe there is someone out there, who has been in a similar situation, who can give me advice. All I want is to be happy again. I don't care about anything else. I regret so many things. And It just hit me--now as I am writing this. I think the biggest regret was becoming friends with this kid. I'm sorry but I just don't know....and it seems like even though my happiness came from him....The one love of my life can never exist. And that hurts worse.

shorty

Shorty, I am so sorry you are going through such unhappiness. So much of what you have to say hit home to me.

I also went through a long period of self doubt and, frankly, self loathing. While I always had friends, I also was so LONELY for such a long time. Because I spent so much time worrying about what might happen, I never really let things happen.

Eventually I convinced myself that I was in love with a guy-- one who was much younger than me, and frankly very confused himself. After working myself into an incredible state (I wanted to die, frankly), I finally sought help. Yeah, it was really, really hard to say certain things out loud. But it feels so much better afterward. The key is to find someone you can trust.

The therapist I talked to pointed out something I had never really considered. I was basing all of my doubts and fears on something that I really didn't KNOW. I had never allowed myself to experience real intimacy with anyone. (And that doesn't necessarilly mean sex!)

If there is any way you can get to someone who can help you, please, please do so. I am particularly concerned about this, as I just lost a close friend to suicide. Seeing the emotional ruin he has left behind has been so hard to deal with. And I am so deeply sad for him. So many people loved him-- but he didn't let them get close enough to find out. And now, he is gone. I will always miss him.

Please, Shorty, seek some professional help, and find a friend or friends you can trust enough to confide in.

I hope you will be happy.

The therapist I talked to pointed out something I had never really considered. I was basing all of my doubts and fears on something that I really didn't KNOW. I had never allowed myself to experience real intimacy with anyone. (And that doesn't necessarilly mean sex!)

shorty, don't know if you checked but I PMed you earlier today...and this was the point I was going to get around to...with the question(s) I asked you...

Im here to talk to if you want. Let me know!

You've got to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Nobody is responsible for your happiness except you. Everybody goes through hardships. You are lucky you have two arms and two legs. Nobody is going to make you happy except you. It may be about time you took responsiblity? Like for example, choose where you are going to go to college, move out of the area you complain about, into a more gay-friendly environment? You said you "couldn't" go to a support group, well, why not?

No wonder u left me the message u did! there was so much that I left out because I was ashamed at what I had done. I feel the same way u do even though things are starting to look better. My last post the weekend that tyler said all that stuff to me I had attempted suicide. but that is becasue my love for him is so real and he knows it and he lied to me. I felt life was no longer worth living if it wasn't for friends that showed up I would not have been writing this message right now. I still have a hard time with the fact that he is willing to play with my emotions like that and get really depressed about it. sorry that this is not helping u in anyway but I am letting u know that u are not the only one going threw this type of problems.

If his friends think that u are gay then probably he does to and has come to accept u for who u are. also if he doesn't know and u tell him then he will be there for u if he is a true friend. hope to hear from u

email removed

Thank you everybody for taking the time to read and respond to my post. I gotten some really good feedback that has pushed me far enough into wanting to pursue getting proffesional help. As a matter of fact, I made that my New Year's resolution. Somebody really opened the door up to things I had never considered before that I would like to "explore." Specifically

--"The therapist I talked to pointed out something I had never really considered. I was basing all of my doubts and fears on something that I really didn't KNOW. I had never allowed myself to experience real intimacy with anyone."--

Unfortunately, this year couldn't have started off worse for me. I'm now having some family problems on top of everything.

Luckily, something that I will never be able to explain happened that saved me. My grandmother saved me from self-injury.

Thank you again to everyone that read my post.

~Shorty

I miss you Gram!!!

Well, New Year, new me. Last night I told one of my friends what is going on with me right now (not my friend in the story). I'm glad I did. It showed me that there are people out there that want to help--"true friends" so to speak. He was totally supportive. Said he was a bit taken aback as it was quite a shock to him, but he was there for me.

Now, my New Years Resolution--getting help. I think by telling someone, I have just opened up the door. It is a new day, and I will not screw it up.

Now, I just don't know whether or not to talk to the friend mentioned in my story. I don't know whether I should get in a more confident state before I do, or whether I should tell him in hopes of support and reassurance. There is positives and negatives to both options. I want to tell him basically what I told my other friend last night--and that is just basically that I am having problems with my sexuality (I wouldn't tell him that a lot of it revolved around him at first, or maybe ever). In one light, he might be there for me and help me through it despite the possibility of me being gay. On the other hand, however, this could be the thing that ends our friendship. It's almost as if my friend is two persons. One person is the one that really cares about me and would support me no matter--the other is who I see more of now and that is that I am basically just an old friend that he can do without. So, i just don't know. Maybe someone out there could offer some possible options as to what I could do.

Thanks again to everyone.

~Shorty

Congratulations to you! I am so happy to hear that you are starting a truly new year. I am sorry that you have had to go through so much awful stuff to get here.

I am so glad your Grandmother was there for you. And that you were able to talk to a trusted friend. Yes, you probably should wait before confiding in others. It feels so good (doesn't it?) that you may want to tell others. But be sure that they are as ready as you are for the "new" you.

By all means seek professional help. Find someone who will help you build on the positive steps you have taken.

I hope you will be happy in 2005!