My bf's coworker slept in his bed!! How would you react

My bf is 40. We've dated for 6 months and he's a complete gentleman, kind, loving, supportive, and helpful but recently we got into an argument.

His also 40 year old female colleague is moving to Las Vegas also. She's a surgeon and plans to work for him. However, she's moving from a high paying job in Maine, taking a pay cut and leaving behind all her friends and family. She's staying at his place until she finds her own and I recently found out they SLEPT IN THE SAME BED. He vowed he's not attracted to her and would never mix business with his personal life but come on, she may have motives!

I'm incredibly upset with how careless and immature he's being and not to mention disrespectful to me and what we have (I genuinely don't think she knows about me) and would love your opinions!! Thank you.

I too would be suspicious of her motives to move to Las Vegas (unless she has a gambling addiction or wants to get away from the Maine weather). I've heard women complaining that this or that was "disrespectful," but I think sleeping in his bed is suspicious as well. (You get to see the person in their underwear.)

I think you were showing your own insecurities by getting into an argument with him over this. But I think you should take a trip to work and make sure you introduce yourself to his new surgeon so she knows who you are and that he's in a relationship.

Your boyfriend should have made alternative sleeping arrangements for himself e.g. shack up with you or a friend or sleep on the couch. If he is rich enough to employ a surgeon, he could also have put her up in an airbnb or hotel or some other type of housing accommodation. He should also have casually mentioned your existence. If he is leading her on, and sharing a bed fits in that category imo, none of this is her fault. Imo, it's your boyfriend that you need to question.

I'd dump him. No bf of mine will ever sleep in the same bed as another female and still remain in a relationship with me after.

That's so inappropriate. Things obviously happened and he has no excuse to support the contrary.

He’s cheating

Easy way to test this. Sleep over his damn house! If he acts cagey about you coming over, you got your proof

Hi thanks for responses. We all live in Las Vegas/a nearby suburb. So this all occurred during my boards where she and his female best friend arrived at the same time and he said one will take the couch while the other takes his bed. Of course I felt insecure, I don't think a man in a long term committed relationship with a decent income as a surgeon should be doing this. Further, its disrespectful and rude to me. He didn't see it that way and said I'm mean and when a good friend comes into town and leaves behind her life and career to work for you- you must take care of her and not just leave her at a random hotel or what not.

You're correct, I should have. It was a very difficult two weeks around my exam but to be fair to him we always knew she'd arrive then

Completely inappropriate and playing with fire even if nothing happened. It's not consistent with being in a committed relationship even if nothing happened and even if they did not intend anything to happen.

No way is that innocent. Two grown adults do not sleep in the same bed if he is just helping her out for a place to stay. There is a couch or the floor or another solution.

There is something going on between them and you have reason to not trust this.

I can't think of any rational reason why a grown adult who can afford a decent hotel or airbnb would want to shack up like some broke student, sleeping on a couch or sharing a bed if all is on the up and up. As for professional......I mean what is professional about this? Sexual harassment claim begging to happen....."he made me sleep in his bed and ...."

Either he is completely stupid or, and much more likely, there is history between them that's leading to something right under your nose. Either way, I'd exit this situation if I were you. This is one of those where you don't bother with arguing, you simply judge his actions at face value and walk away fast.

Wow.... damn... Yeah - Not Cool. I call bull crap.

There are no airbnbs/rooms for rent in all of Las Vegas?

She's staying at his place until she finds her own and I recently found out they SLEPT IN THE SAME BED.

when a good friend comes into town and leaves behind her life and career to work for you- you must take care of her and not just leave her at a random hotel or what not.

No! He is saying this to make you feel guilty. If he is so concerned with her, he should have gotten her a nice hotel. WHY is she "leaving behind her life and career" to work for him when like you said, she is taking a pay cut and moving away from her family? And did you also say he has another female best friend? So if she decided to sleep in his bed and the other one took the couch, would he have hooked up with her instead?

GET OUT!

OP, how did you find out she slept in his bed?

Did he tell you? Was it posted on his or her FB?

Apologies if already mentioned, but if he told you, that is weird.

"Oh by the way, xxxx stayed with me and slept in my bed." He may have told you hoping to provoke an argument, if in fact he was the one to tell you.

By the way, if she's even remotely attractive then he is attracted so him telling you he's not is BS. Doesn't mean he has to act on his attraction, if in a "relationship" with you, he shouldn't.

He should have slept on the couch. You know it and he knows it.

Or better yet a hotel! As a doctor surely she could afford it, or he could have paid.

He may have started out on the couch but the thought of her in his room, in his bed, was too tempting so he went in to join her.

I am now wondering if there's more to her moving other than work.

Something's not jiving, sorry.

I would react by breaking up with him.

Nope. Not acceptable.

That would be cheating. Buy-bye to this guy.

Um, it's not like the Las Vegas area is completely devoid of hotels.

He's gaslighting you.

I would react by breaking up with him.

 

Nope. Not acceptable.

I second this. Totally inappropriate and very disrespectful to you too.

she and his female best friend arrived at the same time and he said one will take the couch while the other takes his bed.

Hmm, why didn't he take the couch and they both take the bed, if someone had to double up? I know, everything is innocent. Until, oops, it's not. Naturally you want to trust him, and if he was going to cheat, it could happen anywhere, anytime. However, why make it hard for you to trust him? And I don't consider sharing your bed with a friend a gentlemanly thing to do.

You're absolutely correct. He told me that's his plan and I thought he's kidding until afterwards. I got very upset, he's not dumb he's a well educated surgeon, questioned his values and upbringing and because of that this all became my fault and that I am not hospitable and I should've been more understanding and told him I was uncomfortable earlier. The two are traveling together constantly for work as they are in the same field and he swears they're in different rooms and tried showing proof but frankly once such boundaries are gone between the two I will be uncomfortable anytime they do anything together. It's become a huge fight and he's not being receptive and perhaps I may have just dodged the bullet of my life!

Sabrina, I'm sorry this happened.

But don't feel too bad, I'm dating a doctor as well and going through something similar, not nearly as severe as your situation though, at least I hope not!

I created a thread about it today in the "Relationships" section if you want to check it out.

Another member of this forum (can't remember who) said beware of dating doctors!

I dismissed it at the time, but perhaps there's something to it!

Good luck!

I would not say "beware of dating doctors". That's really not fair because I know some wonderful husbands and fathers who are doctors.

I would say "beware of dating anyone with poor relationship boundaries. Beware of anyone who tries to gaslight you into thinking you're at fault".

Yes. He did just that, gaslight me and told me he thinks my yelling at him and getting upset over this show that I don't do well over stress and he doesn't think I'm a good match! All o can say is good riddance

Hi thanks for responses. We all live in Las Vegas/a nearby suburb. So this all occurred during my boards where she and his female best friend arrived at the same time and he said one will take the couch while the other takes his bed. Of course I felt insecure, I don't think a man in a long term committed relationship with a decent income as a surgeon should be doing this. Further, its disrespectful and rude to me. He didn't see it that way and said I'm mean and when a good friend comes into town and leaves behind her life and career to work for you- you must take care of her and not just leave her at a random hotel or what not.

So he has a female best friend? Have you met her?

Why didn't the best friend and the other female share the bed, while he took the couch?

Then again, why didn't the two women just get hotel rooms. Oh wait, Vegas famously has so few.

Something very fishy about this whole story. What gets me most is the gaslighting, which is just plain abusive.

Have you broken up with him?

Yeah, how dare you get upset about someone you are in a relationship with sharing a bed with another woman when there were plenty of other options!

Jeez, what a loser. I guess he expects you to be so gosh darned grateful he deemed to date you that you are supposed to just put up with whatever he dishes out.

Good riddance, indeed.