Boyfriend might join band with old flame

Hey guys!

 

It's been a while since I've been on because I am now in a very happy relationship (yaaay!) but I wanted to come back to get your opinions on something. It's not the biggest of deals though, I just find people's opinions very insightful on here.

 

Basically, my boyfriend told me that a girl he used to sleep with (not be in a relationship with, more of an occasional thing when they were drunk, but have stayed friends) has asked him to be in a band, and he is considering it. He wanted to tell me because he thought it was the right thing to do and wanted to see how I felt about it.

 

I asked if he'd told her he has a girlfriend now, and he said he hadn't but that he would. Because there is of course the chance that she is just suggesting this to "hook up" or whatever. Otherwise, I said it wasn't an ideal situation but I wasn't going to tell him who he can hang out with etc, it would feel wrong to me and I do trust him.

 

Do you think I have done the right thing? And would anyone else feel uncomfortable with their partner being in a band with someone they used to sleep with?

I'd feel fine about it as long as it is a legitimate band and not just the two of them meeting up at her house to 'practice". Glad you're enjoying your relationship!

Good thing you trust him, but like you I would be very wary about this situation. Did she come out of the blue asking him to join? Have they been in touch? He needs to tell her that this time the way thir situation was in the past, cannot happen like that anymore. Its not being controlling not wanting you SO to hang out w/someone they used to hook up w/. Tell him you feel extremely uncomfortable.

I mean if you're going to resent him after giving him the go-ahead, then you haven't done the right thing. Otherwise, it's fine.

 

Personally, I wouldn't care too much. If drunken hookups used to be their thing, I might ask he keep the alcohol limited, but even then, you're trusting him not to get too smashed around her and the band. I'd trust him and play it by ear.

I would tell him you appreciate that he wants to know how you feel, and ask him if he would like to be in band, why not explore other opportunities as well? There are other bands out there that he can be in. I would almost be more comfortable if the woman was someone he dated in high school or college or something, the relationship broke off very cleanly/was someone they dated for a short while and wasn't a match and they ran into eachother years later and have zero feelings than i would be with a woman who was his drunk hookup FWB. When people are in a band, many times the venue gives them a beer tab and food in addition to pay or in lieu of depending on the venue.

 

You have a point that if she has no clue he has a girlfriend, she could be invited him partially to rekindle old times. Even if he isn't interested.

 

I would tell him that you told him to go ahead because you wanted to be the "cool girlfriend" but that's not totally how you really feel.

Is she settled in a relationship ?

Is she settled in a relationship ?

 

My question as well. She could be hitting him up because she has no other prospective guys. And abitbroken has a point, there are other bands he could join.

 

I asked if he'd told her he has a girlfriend now, and he said he hadn't but that he would.

 

What bothers me is that people in his circle don't know he has a girlfriend just as common knowledge. Unless its very new -- like just a month or two. Word should be that he is happily in a relationship.

Well, the fact that they've slept with each other means it would be very easy to break down any barrier (like he has a girlfriend) and sleep together again. All it would take is a "look" or a comment. So, yeah, I would be a bit uneasy about it. Just keep in mind it's a possibility.

 

As to what to do, I guess you trust him until you find out otherwise.

Thankyou guys.

 

I've messaged him today explaining that I was trying to be cool but I do feel uncomfortable with it, but that I don't want to tell him what to do and I completely trust him it's just I felt I should be honest with him about my feelings.

 

I think it is better I just own up to my feelings. He was very worried I would be annoyed at him when he told me so I was trying to reassure him I wasn't mad. But while I'm not mad at him, it's fair of me to express my feelings on the matter.

 

I guess I was a bit worried he'd choose being in the band over me.

Thankyou guys.

 

I've messaged him today explaining that I was trying to be cool but I do feel uncomfortable with it, but that I don't want to tell him what to do and I completely trust him it's just I felt I should be honest with him about my feelings.

 

I think it is better I just own up to my feelings. He was very worried I would be annoyed at him when he told me so I was trying to reassure him I wasn't mad. But while I'm not mad at him, it's fair of me to express my feelings on the matter.

 

I guess I was a bit worried he'd choose being in the band over me.

 

I don't think that kind of issue belongs in a message - this deserves a face to face or at least by phone - so I would send another message explaining that on reflection, yes, this is how you feel but you realize you both deserve to talk this out in person.

 

I don't think you should put it as "I should be honest" but rather than you feel the need to share. It's just as honest to self-talk and decide that telling him that you're uncomfortable with it might be unfair in impeding what he loves to do (being a musician/being in a band) and that his needs in this particular situation trump your need to express how you feel. Yes, I know he asked for your input which is nice but I wouldn't tell myself you "had to" to be "honest".

 

Finally I wouldn't give him even a hint of "band" or "me" because do you really want a set up where he doesn't make a move if it makes you uncomfortable because then you're going to guilt him with the choice of ___ or "me"? You have a good thing going - make careful choices.

I am very glad that you were honest -- it creates a better foot for the relationship to be on rather than to build up resentments.

 

It's just as honest to self-talk and decide that telling him that you're uncomfortable with it might be unfair in impeding what he loves to do (being a musician/being in a band) and that his needs in this particular situation trump your need to express how you feel.

 

It does not impede what he loves to do because he can find another band to join where she is not included. If he loved being in a band the most, he would have already have been in a band and her call would have only been a request for him to switch bands. If the only time he has been in bands is when he was in one with her, and hasn't been in one since and now its with her again, then he really doesn't love being in a band above all things. He only is in a band when its at her beck and call.

I am very glad that you were honest -- it creates a better foot for the relationship to be on rather than to build up resentments.

 

It's just as honest to self-talk and decide that telling him that you're uncomfortable with it might be unfair in impeding what he loves to do (being a musician/being in a band) and that his needs in this particular situation trump your need to express how you feel.

 

It does not impede what he loves to do because he can find another band to join where she is not included. If he loved being in a band the most, he would have already have been in a band and her call would have only been a request for him to switch bands. If the only time he has been in bands is when he was in one with her, and hasn't been in one since and now its with her again, then he really doesn't love being in a band above all things. He only is in a band when its at her beck and call.

 

I did not interpret it that way at all.

 

I think honesty should be balanced again how the information is shared and if it's that important, meaningful and emotional it should not be shared by typing it to your partner IMO.

Thankyou guys.

 

I've messaged him today explaining that I was trying to be cool but I do feel uncomfortable with it, but that I don't want to tell him what to do and I completely trust him it's just I felt I should be honest with him about my feelings.

 

I think it is better I just own up to my feelings. He was very worried I would be annoyed at him when he told me so I was trying to reassure him I wasn't mad. But while I'm not mad at him, it's fair of me to express my feelings on the matter.

 

I guess I was a bit worried he'd choose being in the band over me.

 

If he loves you, he won't choose the band over you. If he does, he never truly cared for you anyways.

If he loves you, he won't choose the band over you. If he does, he never truly cared for you anyways.

 

Or, if she loves him, she will put his desire to be in a band that works for him and his passion for being a musician, above her insecurities about this woman. If you want to interpret it in this polarized way. I wouldn't.

If he loves you, he won't choose the band over you. If he does, he never truly cared for you anyways.

We could play that game all day. I'm gonna start banning my lady from going to brunch because if she chooses a $30 omelette over me, she never cared for me anyways.

Two words: Fleetwood Mac

Two words: Fleetwood Mac

 

A yes. Aren't they all either divorced or former lovers of eachother?

A yes. Aren't they all either divorced or former lovers of eachother?

Something like that.......cocaine's a helluva drug....