Am I trying to make up for a regretful past, too much?

Basically I feel I have made a lot of mistakes in the past, and I think my autism has had a lot do with it, and the choices I was driven to make. Basically I feel that I wasted a lot of years on bad jobs, and not advancing towards any type of career or anything.

I feel I am a lot better now, and like myself today, a lot better. But I hated who I was before, a few years ago. I am 32, and didn't start liking myself and making good decisions till I was around 28.

But I can't get over the past, cause I feel my bad decisions have crippled me to a degree, or painted me into a corner with what I can do with my life, and I feel that even if I try to make up for it now, it will take years, and I am tired of all the lost time, and would like to build a life for myself that I am happy with. But at the same time, all the lost time is making me feel bad.

It's given me a lot of depression and anxiety lately. Does anyone have any advice or input, on how to handle a past of unforgiving memories. People say don't dwell on the past, but when it's the only memories you have, how do you not stop them from pre-occupying your head so much?

Basically in the past I felt like I did nothing, but wasted a bunch of time in my basement for years, playing video games, watching movies, etc. I felt like I could done more school, done more martial arts, since I am into that now, but wish I had learned it before, so I could be really good now. I feel I wasted so much opportunity not learnings when I could have. I have also gotten into acting and music and filmmaking, and wished I could have learned more of that now. The anxiety of never having done it before, is burning so bad in me that I am hot all the time body heat wise. I am sweating so bad, that I don't even need a coat, when everyone else, does and I haven't been able to sleep well a lot, because of it now.

I have had to take time off work to get better as well, and have been calling in sick, cause I can't sleep and am exhausted.

The thing that hurts the most is I get jealous of other people's conversations, and have a hard time talking to them. They talk about their accomplishments, and I feel left out or do not like my past even more when I hear it, and feel more shamed that I didn't have the guts or ambition to go as far as others did. I am even having trouble spending time with one of my best friends cause of it, as I get jealous of her past and more fonder memories of her accomplishments.

I actually decided I want to get into fimmaking and have decided to make movies, over the past four years but have not had much luck. I have decided I am going to make a feature film and put my own budget of at least 50K towards it. But other people say I am crazy and haven't had near as much practice experience. But I am so anxious to make new memories, and do something worth living for, that I feel I don't have time to practice. I don't want to get my career started at say 40, I want to start now, before I get even more jealous of others. Am I crazy?

Everyone learns and grows at different rates. The fact that you recognize the mistakes you've made in the past is a GOOD thing, because it means you've changed. There's nothing wrong with being a late bloomer. Van Gogh didn't start painting until he was your age. Julia Child didn't start cooking until she was 40. If you could take the energy you are now wasting on anxious thoughts about the past and channel it into living your dreams, imagine how much more effective you could be. The past is indelible, the future unknowable. All that matters is today. Walk towards your goals, heedless of the opinions of others. They don't feel the passion you feel, and they don't know what it's like to be you.

Think on this. Back in the day you didn't do much so got nowhere. Today, you are sitting dwelling about the past and so still not doing much so going nowhere still. Yes, people are telling you to quit dwelling, because success only happens when you simply shut up and do it. Success is also built on a million failures.

Only way you are going to learn, accomplish, achieve is by rolling your sleeves up, getting constructive advice on how to and then simply going for it. When you achieve something, nobody will ever ask you when, how old, why didn't you do it early, how many times you failed, etc. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that you achieved.

Also, distinguish between naysayers and constructive criticism. Naysayers will just tell you don't do it, you don't know enough, it's crazy. Constructive criticism is when someone tells you "listen if you want to do this, then do it this way and not that way because of x, y, z"

Oh man haha.

This was me years back. Same boat. But first let me say....EVERYONE makes bad decisions and believe it or not, everyone's life is not just peaches and cream. So before you think people judge you because of your past, try to put yourself in other people's shoes too. Everyone has their battles.

Stop thinking so much!

Find a distraction: friends, family, video games, etc. Too much thinking will make your brain go into overdrive and you over analyze.

I'm with you man. From a very early age, you couldn't tell me what I could or couldn't do. I always had to find out "why" for myself. This played into positive AND negative decisions. I don't regret anything I did because it taught me.

You gotta trust me when I say, your "bad decisions" are only setting you up for something great. Your turn is coming. I know because I was feeling the same until a few years back. You're only 32? Thats not old man. I didn't rally start my family until around that age.

All your decisions will help you play your role in something. So don't worry. Just be patient.

I know that feeling all to well though. All your friends are couples, everyone seems SOOOO happy. It sucks because you're wondering "when is it my turn to have this stuff?"

One thing I have learned over the years, people's "success" and "happiness" is not always what it seems. Just because someone makes lots of money and has a house, does not nesessarily mean they have their $hit together. Sometimes in fact it's the exact opposite.

Keep your head up man. Everything works out. Not when you want it, but when you NEED it

Okay thanks. Well I wouldn't say I am dwelling. I mean I am making a feature film now with a lot of my savings, so I feel more ambitious than ever now, but people are saying this is bad of me and that I am too ambitious, and making a mistake. So is moving forward, and trying to accomplish something to make up for the past, a bad thing?

Okay thanks. Well I wouldn't say I am dwelling. I mean I am making a feature film now with a lot of my savings, so I feel more ambitious than ever now, but people are saying this is bad of me and that I am too ambitious, and making a mistake. So is moving forward, and trying to accomplish something to make up for the past, a bad thing?

No it's a good thing. Like I said, you have to learn to differentiate between people who are just telling you no, you can't or you shouldn't and those who are giving you constructive criticism. Those who are just telling you no no no, you need to learn to tune out. If you listen to naysayers....you'll never get anywhere.

Consider that those who win ARE different. You have to be otherwise you are just average and won't win. Being different, having different ideas or approaches isn't always going to be easy or approved. As the old saying goes, it's lonely at the top.

Okay thanks for the advice. So if I am out with friends or out on a date for example, and they ask me questions about my past, and I don't want to talk about it, since I am not proud of it, how should I approach it then?

Okay thanks for the advice. So if I am out with friends or out on a date for example, and they ask me questions about my past, and I don't want to talk about it, since I am not proud of it, how should I approach it then?

Well part of confidence is owning who you are and that means owning your past, your mistakes, etc. Think on it this way - your past is exactly what's driving you and motivating you today to become a success. That's a good thing.

Anyway, when people ask about your past, they aren't really looking for detailed answers or TMI. More like executive summary bullet point style and avoiding things that are too personal or TMI. It's a general curiosity question not meant to be discussed in detail. You are free to tell them as little as you want. Depending on your style you can brush it off with a joking manner like "liven in a basement until I decided it's time to grow up and get out into the world" or can be more serious about it. Either way, work out a canned short answer you are comfortable with and change topics. Ultimately remember that just because someone asks, doesn't mean you have to answer and avoid getting yourself into a pissing contest mentality. Life is not a competition. You live your life, other people live their life. Absolutely everyone in the world has their own personal challenges. Nobody escapes without that.

Regarding avoiding the competition mentality.... I have pretty impressive credentials, however when someone starts getting into that, I politely brush them off. Meaning I will listen to them list their achievements and pat them on the back about it and tell them that's great and then move on to topics that actually matter work wise. Why? Because I don't give a hoot about their credentials and I'm not going to waste my time comparing and competing, I care only about what they are capable of getting done right now and either they are or they aren't good at it and it will be obvious pretty fast. Lots of people have a similar attitude of "shut up and show me what you can do". The worst contract I've ever seen in my life was written by a Harvard lawyer and the best was written by a very successful business woman who had never graduated from high school and it never stopped her from doing what she wants. Life isn't about your credentials, what school you went to, what you did yesterday. Only thing that matters is what you are doing today.

Okay thanks. It's just other people's attitudes are different. Like how I want to get into filmmaking, and make my first feature film, but people are saying that I am way over my head, and have delusions of grandeur. They also say that I will not be taken seriously, since I did not make any short films previously, accept for one no so far, and that I have not gone to school for it either, so I am not ready, not will I be taken seriously.

Can you find a mentor or someone to give you some feedback about your ideas for the film?

What you are going through is a healthy and very common component of healing Ironpony. When we are in a more empowered situation in life after some struggles - which maybe we even didn't register was a struggle, it was just our normal then- not all of us start functioning very happily. We first look back and experience a period of grief actually. For all the time we lost. This is very common in recovering alcoholics, people getting out of abusive relationships, people who have changed their conditions significantly for the better. We look at our pasts with our new, empowered eyes and wonder why the hell we wasted so much time with such stuff - which may seem pointless now. Sometimes we may feel terribly angry with ourselves because of this. Maybe the solution to come to terms with this is to see this as the giantness, greatness of recovery success instead of the giantness of the "failure" in the past. Maybe success is the thing that is causing this gap, this discrepancy between our pasts and presents. In that case, it is to be welcomed and celebrated maybe. Look at where you were, and look at where you are now. You did a great job, congratulate yourself for it instead of scorning yourself.

I know what you are talking about. I come from a difficult family. I was able to name this when I was around 18 and understand the implications of this (more or less) when I was around 25. Yet, naming and understanding do not mean healing. It took me yet another decade until I felt that I managed to raise myself more or less in a way that pleases me as an adult. I'm a quick learner, have always been a high-achiever, I consider myself emotionally astute. Imagine the blow on my ego, self-image because of this incredible "slowness" in my personal life. I first had anger fits at myself, why, oh, why did I waste so much time with such unnecessary stuff which seems solvable with one act when one has the inner power to do so?

Well, I simply didn't have that inner power.

Looking at this angrily is something learned I believe and can be replaced with a more loving attitude toward the self. It wasn't a "mistake", it was "survival." After coming to terms with what happened during survival, we can start "thriving". Accepting what happened is purely self-respect to me now. I respect all the pain I had, I recognize the covert giantness of the issue and I will stop criticising myself for it. Looking at that past with anger minimizes the situation I was in and I will not do that to myself because I seriously think it was bad. I'm very happy that I'm doing better now and congratulate myself for it. It could have been worse.

Other people deal with this through the route of forgiveness. They try to experience all their anger, bad feelings but make a decision to forgive themselves for it. It works for some people.

Gratefulness also helps me. But for the grace of God - though I'm an atheist. Basically, I could have ended up much worse; nothing but some chance prevented that actually. Maybe even the capacity to heal is a chance, what if we didn't have it? Who would we blame? Who would we get it from? So, yes, it could have been much worse. Better be grateful than angry.

It is true that we will have lost some opportunities. The things I lost were particularly those that I deemed very important for my identity. Talk about self-sabotage or wrong priorities. But believe me, we grow out of that phase too when we start thriving because we can focus on the future and imagine new things that will ultimately make us equally happy, satisfied etc. Life is varied enough for this if we can recognize its richness and variety. When we are stuck with the past, it is hard to see this. But yes, sometimes satisfaction comes from a completely unimagined thing.

As for practical decisions about filmmaking, the importance of the ratio of 50K to your overall assets would be more important than the amount I reckon. So tell us how rich you are ha ha ha

The answer of whether you want to do that or not lies in yourself I think. Understanding why would be important. Like a revenge or compensation for a missed past or a meaningful step into a future? An obsession or a choice no matter how unwise other may find it? You have the freedom to live as you want, do whatever you do with your money. If you want, you can use it in any way and then choose to live in different - and to some, deprived- circumstances. Noone can have a say on that. It is your choice. Thinking about the reasons would give you more of an idea. But in my experience, it is more accurate to do this relatively slowly, maybe giving things a bit of time.

Many people experience a new, super fast drive, a kind of "urgency" to act when they feel they are empowered. I don't know if you have this. It depends on your individual history.

Good luck with everything.

Okay thanks, I guess I have a lot to think about.

Can you find a mentor or someone to give you some feedback about your ideas for the film?

There is one mentor who gave me an interesting proposal:

He is a director who has had more success than me and lives in LA, gave me a interesting proposition. He said that if I use my budget to direct my own movie, and give the budget to him and produce his movie, he will give me a co-producer credit as well as let me direct a couple of scenes in the movie.

He said that me getting to direct a couple of scenes, in an LA production as well as getting a co-producer credit will give me something to put in my portfolio that is worth a lot more than making my own movie, with the experience that I have so far.

What do you think. Is this a good proposal from him and I should go for it?