Do I leave my wife for the mother of my child?

Four years ago, I had an affair with someone. We now have a 3 year old son. It is very difficult being apart from him and I really don't feel that I can be much of a father just 2 days a week. At the same time, I'm so torn beng away from him that I am a lousy husband. I still care for my child's mother, but have some issues with her. And issues with my wife. I'm on the fence and just can't decide what to do. Please give me your perspective. And don't waste your time telling me what a low-life I am. If you have something constructive to say, please do so. I am contemplating leaving my wife for the mother of my son. I hate to lose my wife & life with her; but hate missing out on the opportunity to be this little guy's dad full-time. He is truly the single most important thing to me.

does your wife know all about this?

Do you love your wife? You said you have some issues with the mother of your child, what if you get back together and those issues aren't resolved? It would be better to stay with your wife than be with the mother of your child and argue all the time in front of your child. Do what's best for him. Don't force a relationship that won't work out, because the person that you truly care about, your son, will be the one suffering the most.

welcome to enotalone.

i'm not sure that leaving your wife for this woman is really the solution. maybe you can come up with an arrangement to spend more time with your son, and work on repairing your marriage with your wife? it's not like the mother of your child is your long-lost soul mate and you are crazy about her - you admit there are problems there too. and you did make a promise to your wife. i'm not sure that leaving one for the other will 'fix' things for you.

i would really sit down and try to get more time with your son. i am really glad to hear that you want to be with your son - i think there are far too many men out there that don't care to be with their children.

What does your son's mother have to say about this?

Or do you just intend to show up on her doorstep going "Tadah!"

Yes, my wife knows about it. She wants to stay together (we've been married 10 years). She is a wonderful person but very difficult to be with in many ways. Not that I'm always a picnic, obviously.

What does your son's mother have to say about this?

 

Or do you just intend to show up on her doorstep going "Tadah!"

lolz that was funny. Are they both willing to be with you?

I've been married 10 years. It's been a fairly difficult marriage. She's a wonderful person but difficult to be with in many ways, because we relate many times like oil & water. The "other woman" from 4 years ago was easy to be with. My 3-year-old son adds new dynamics. I'm the product of a broken home and I missed my Dad like crazy. I don't want him alone & unprotected. He needs me. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Yes, they are both willing to be with me.

A child won't save a relationship. The child deserves a happy home with two loving parents if not one.

Thanks for your reply. My son is definitely the most important thing to me. My wife is wonderful as a person but we just have never mixed well (like oil & water). The person with whom I had the relationship was accepting of me and I found it very easy to be with her. I feel like the easiest thing to do for ME is to stay married. Kids need you when they need you. Not being with him definitely shortchanges him. I've struggled with this for 3 years and it's really time to get off the fence.

 

 

but youve never had a commitment. I'm sure she was easy to sleep with...

We never had a commitment, true. But she still wants to be with me and to give our son a home together with 2 parents.

Yes, my wife knows about it. She wants to stay together (we've been married 10 years). She is a wonderful person but very difficult to be with in many ways. Not that I'm always a picnic, obviously.

It is admirable to want to spend more time with your son, but you and he are not the only ones involved here. There are two women involved who both have lives and feelings, one of which you made a commitment to in marriage.

The grass is always going to be greener. If you left your wife for the mistress, who is to say she won't have her quirks too and make you regret leaving your wife for her? - and who says the boy's mother wants to marry you in the first place? And if she had an affair with you - a married man - who is to say that she wouldn't do it again. And do you love her? If you just are with her for the child, the child will know it.

If I were you, I would try to spend more time with your son without changing women if you can, even ask for custody if that is what you want.

I really don't blame your wife for being difficult. Her husband has a child with another woman born during your marriage, of which she has made part of her life as well. If she is a wonderful person, go to counseling and do what you can to make your marriage work.

I have a cousin who had a child with a woman and ended up signing his rights of the child off when the mother married. The child calls the stepfather daddy. It was just better for all involved that way. I am not suggesting you do that. But that is what one person did.

I had my son for 2 days this week. When I dropped him off he didn't want me to go. He said "I want mommy AND daddy." He loves us both for sure. It kills me to leave. Neither my son nor his mommy wants me to leave. It's killing me. At the same time, my wife is trying to accept him and to help let him into our home. God bless her for that. Truly 2 wonderful women, and so different from one another. Again, this wasn't just a quick fling. I have 2 options and I can't have them both.

We've probably been in counseling for 5 of the 10 years we've been married.

And yes, the "other woman" would definitely want to marry me. Of course there is no guarantee that she wouldn't do it again with someone else, but none of us are guaranteed of anything. We just take our best shot at things, and some decisions are better than others.

No matter what, I appreciate ALL of you taking a few minutes of your Saturday night to give me your input. It's been a really difficult situation, and I've been on the edge emotionally. The Christmas season is particularly rough. Anyway, thank you - I truly mean that.

The "easy to be with" part also comes from the newness of a relationship. You were probably still in the honeymoon period. And you didn't see eachother for the drudgery stuff like the weekly chores, the bad days, etc.

We never had a commitment, true. But she still wants to be with me and to give our son a home together with 2 parents.

But you are not available! And giving the son a home with 2 parents - the child has a father and a step mother and a mother. The child could be in a 2 parent home with you and your wife, or the mother could move on and find someone, fall in love, and the future guy could be a great stepfather. If a 2 parent home is what you think is the best option for the child, then you have to remove yourself from the outcome and look at all the possibilities.

Also, you are mentioning the 2 parent home but I have heard nothing of how you really get along together - is there really love there, compatibility, etc. for real. If you go live with this woman and you end up not working out or you feel like you are just both there to raise the kid and are not in love with eachother, etc the child would feel shortchanged. Its not just about 2 warm bodies and sometimes a 2 day a week dad can be more of an influence than you think

Anyways, as you can tell - i feel bad for your wife

EDITED: I realize other responses happened before mine, etc, so maybe my response is not so relevant now, sorry!

I feel bad for my wife, too. It's a crappy position to have put her in. As for woman #2, yes there are still feelings for her. I'm just kind of ashamed to admit to it because I look like a total rat. Both women love me, more than I particularly love myself right now.

...and I dread the thought of woman #2 finding someone else and him becoming my child's step-dad. He would be living my dream and I would have to watch it from the outside-in.

Don't do it. I think you'll reallllllly regret it in the end. Stick with your wife. You guys will have beautiful children one day.

But my wife and I don't have children. I have a child with the other woman.

You should want to be with the mother of your son..because you love her, not because you want to be closer to your son. In my opinion, that is really selfish. Not thinking of your wife, or the mother of your child.

I don't have children, but I can understand you wanting to be with him as much as you can. Reality is you don't seem to be in love with this woman, and you have issues with her. Not saying you don't care about her, but to leave your wife, to be with someone who you only want to be with to be close to your sons seems a little absurd to me.

I'm not saying you're a bad person but maybe you should think a little more rationally.

Could you go to court and arrange to see him more than you do now? twice a week isn't that bad. A good father doesn't need to see his children constantly, but needs to always be there FOR his childen, and love them unconditionally, and you DO spend as much time as you can with him. It seems like you have what it takes to be a good father, and I think you should take the next step to be a good husband.

Wow. This is like the culmination of a few of the threads from yesterday...all tied up in one situation: Marriage, single parent, Involved Dad, all tied up...

You marriage is a commitment that you made forever. You and your wife have been trying to work on your issues, so why stop now?

As some may know, I am as very strong believer in a 2-parent traditional family.

However, there is one comment that you made that stands out: "#2 finding someone else and him becoming my child's step-dad. He would be living my dream and I would have to watch it from the outside-in."

Whether you admit it or not, you are considering this "change" for your own benefit, not the benefit of you son.

If you are involved in his life, he will be fine. I would try getting more time with him - maybe talk to his mother in to a 50/50 timeshare program. At 3 years old, he knows you as Daddy and even if #2 finds someone else, you will always be his daddy.

Good luck.

Erik

If this story helps....I know a man who was in your exact situation. It was really hard for him.

He loved his child, and he love his wife. He stayed with his wife. He didn't go to be with the woman who had his child.

He and his wife eventually had a child. And now he and his wife have been married for 3 decades, and they are the cutest couple you've ever seen!

You made a commitment to your wife, and she made a commitment to you. You can't just throw that away because things are becoming difficult. Stick around so you can experience all of the joys your marriage will bring.