Sometimes it's difficult to know what to do when someone you love is unhappy or upset with you. You feel powerless and unlucky, as if you committed some terrible crime that you don't understand and can't fix. It's especially hard to grapple with when it's someone whom you care so deeply about.
It's a common experience to feel confused and baffled when they don't explain themselves sufficiently, on their own. After all, it's not your responsibility to read the minds of those you care about. But it could be equally difficult to reach out directly, only to risk furthering disappointment and igniting frustration in the conversation. In this kind of situation, it's taken me a long time to realize that a gentle and unaffected attitude makes all the difference.
The best approach is to try to really listen to them. Let them express whatever they have been trying holding inside. Don’t offer advice unless asked. Allow them to take however long they need and offer validation by expressing to them that you understand. Show them that you are willing to sit there with them until it all makes sense. Show support and let them know that you can find a way together, even if you don't understand why they're feeling upset.
Respect their feelings and give them space. If they need it, allow them to shut down if they want to. Create a safe environment for them to express their feelings. If playing some music or going for a walk calms them down, do that.
Be aware of how your presence can assure them that all is not lost, even when the whole situation is a mystery to you. Allow yourself to allow the person to feel, without judgment or expectations. Reach out when it seems appropriate, like offering words of encouragement, and letting them know they don't have to be alone, should they need it. Respect their need for peace when they request it– try not to press them beyond where they can handle. And above all, be sure to thank them afterwards for being vulnerable and allowing you in.
Refrain from giving any kind of opinion, other than demonstrating you are there regardless of the outcome. Don’t blame yourself or them for the confusion and hurt. Try not to make any assumptions either – no matter how obvious it may be to you. Stick to heartfelt questions and attention, with a willing appreciation for the trust they show by opening up to you.
After the initial conversations, ensure there’s still an opportunity to continue exchanging and respect whatever the outcome might be. One of the hardest things can be to feel like there's no resolution. At times, it's more helpful to accept this and find ways to manage it through patience and practice.
There will never be a single answer to explain anyone's general distress. Trust yourself to be present for the person you love and rest in the assurance that our connection can be enough to get through it, as well as create a greater level of understanding. That trust in yourself and in the person you’re devoted to can be the greatest step towards helping them to heal and find their own peace.
In the end, if none of this works the best option is often just to be there for them, whatever else happens. The effort and intention matters more than anything else.
Recommended Comments
There are no comments to display.
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now