5 Shocking Ways Lies of Omission Destroy Trust (Must Read)

Key Takeaways:

• Lies by omission erode trust.
• Withholding truth harms relationships deeply.
• Intent matters in omission lies.
• Lies of omission breed conflict.
• Open communication can prevent damage.

What is lying by omission?

Lying by omission is tricky, because it often doesn't feel like lying at all. When someone lies by omission, they choose to leave out crucial details—things that, if revealed, would change how you see the situation. It's not a direct lie, but it's certainly a form of deception. The truth is distorted, and the impact can be just as damaging as a flat-out lie. It's easy to think, "I didn't say anything untrue, so how can it be lying?" But here's the thing: withholding the full truth misleads the other person, making it just as harmful.

Omission lies can take many forms. Whether it's avoiding a tough conversation, omitting personal mistakes, or downplaying issues, it's all part of the same problem. One of the classic examples of this is hiding financial troubles from a partner—something that can devastate trust once uncovered. In relationships, these lies by omission can create a ripple effect, leading to more lies, mistrust, and emotional distance.

How does lying by omission affect trust?

Trust is fragile. Once broken, it can be nearly impossible to repair. When someone lies by omission, they rob you of the ability to make informed decisions. You're left to believe in a version of events that isn't entirely true, and that's a betrayal at its core.

At first, it might seem harmless. Maybe someone skips over a tiny detail, thinking, “This won't matter.” But over time, as more details are left out, it chips away at the foundation of trust. People start to wonder, "What else is being hidden from me?" A single omission can spiral into a pattern, leading to deeper issues within the relationship.

Psychologist Paul Ekman, a leading expert in human emotions and deception, once said, “We are most vulnerable to lies when we least expect them, especially from those we trust the most.” In relationships, trust is built on transparency. Without it, everything becomes shaky. When omission lies are involved, trust doesn't just weaken—it crumbles entirely.

5 common examples of lying by omission

While lying by omission can occur in many forms, here are five common situations where people tend to leave out crucial details. These examples highlight the everyday ways that omission lies can infiltrate relationships, workplaces, and even friendships:

1. Hiding financial information: Whether it's a hidden credit card debt or a secret savings account, money issues are one of the most common ways people lie by omission. Financial transparency is crucial in partnerships, and omitting these details can lead to serious trust issues.
2. Withholding information about past infidelity: Some people choose not to disclose a previous affair, believing that if it's in the past, it won't affect the present. However, not being upfront about this kind of history can create lingering doubts and insecurities.
3. Failing to disclose health issues: Whether it's mental health struggles or physical ailments, hiding health concerns can lead to misunderstandings and prevent others from fully supporting you.
4. Concealing important information about family or personal history: When people withhold key details about their past, such as family dynamics or unresolved trauma, it can make it difficult for others to truly understand them or their decisions.
5. Not being truthful about substance abuse or addiction issues: Avoiding disclosure about struggles with addiction can harm relationships, particularly when it leads to broken promises or patterns of behavior that others cannot explain.

Why do people engage in lying by omission?

The reasons people engage in lying by omission are often complex and deeply rooted in psychology. Many times, it's not as simple as wanting to deceive or manipulate. There are often personal fears or anxieties at play. People might withhold the truth because they fear judgment or believe that revealing the full story will cause conflict. It's a defense mechanism—a way to protect themselves from negative consequences.

One of the main psychological reasons is cognitive dissonance, a term used in psychology to describe the mental discomfort someone experiences when they hold two conflicting beliefs. When a person knows they should tell the truth but also fears the outcome of doing so, they experience this internal conflict. To reduce the discomfort, they may rationalize their decision to withhold the truth by thinking it's not a "real" lie.

People also engage in lies of omission to avoid accountability. By leaving out key details, they maintain a sense of control over the narrative. The omission allows them to present a version of events that works in their favor without fully stepping into the realm of deceit. But, as we know, omission is still deception—just wrapped in a subtler package.

The psychological toll of lies by omission

The impact of lies by omission goes far beyond the surface. On an emotional level, the person being deceived may feel a vague sense of unease, even if they can't quite put their finger on what's wrong. Over time, this unease turns into doubt, and doubt festers into anxiety. When trust begins to erode, so does the stability of the relationship, which can leave lasting scars.

On the flip side, the person doing the withholding also bears a psychological cost. Keeping secrets or leaving out information requires energy and constant vigilance. There's a heightened sense of fear that the truth may come out, leading to chronic stress. This emotional toll often manifests in guilt, shame, or even self-resentment. The inner turmoil can spill into other areas of life, affecting self-esteem and personal well-being.

Psychologist Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Deception, writes, “Deception in any form is a betrayal of intimacy and trust. Even small omissions can create emotional distance.” This distance builds over time, creating an invisible wall between partners. Eventually, this wall can become so thick that it feels impossible to break through, leaving both individuals isolated and disconnected.

5 reasons lies of omission harm relationships

Lies of omission can wreak havoc in relationships for several reasons. While direct lies are often obvious and confrontational, omission lies tend to be subtle yet equally damaging. Here are five key ways these types of lies corrode relationships:

1. Breach of trust: The most immediate consequence is the breakdown of trust. When someone discovers that information was intentionally withheld, it's difficult to know when or if they can trust the person again.
2. Loss of intimacy: Healthy relationships thrive on openness and vulnerability. When important truths are kept hidden, emotional intimacy takes a hit. Partners can't fully connect if they aren't sharing their full selves with one another.
3. Lack of communication: Omission often stems from a failure to communicate. The less people communicate openly, the more misunderstandings arise. This can create a cycle where partners stop talking about meaningful issues altogether.
4. Unresolved conflicts: By avoiding certain truths, problems get swept under the rug rather than addressed head-on. Over time, these unresolved conflicts build up, creating resentment and emotional baggage.
5. Feelings of betrayal: Ultimately, discovering a lie of omission feels like a betrayal. It creates a lingering question: “What else haven't you told me?” This sense of betrayal can linger, even after apologies and attempts to reconcile.

How to identify when someone is lying by omission

Recognizing when someone is lying by omission can be difficult, but there are subtle signs that might raise red flags. One key indicator is when a story feels incomplete, or there are vague details that don't quite add up. People who omit the truth often give just enough information to satisfy the question, but leave out critical elements. This can create a feeling that something's missing or off.

Another sign is inconsistency. If someone's behavior or words don't align with what they've previously told you, that could indicate an omission. They may avoid certain topics or become defensive when asked for more details. Pay attention to body language as well. A person who's withholding information might exhibit nervous gestures, such as fidgeting, avoiding eye contact, or changing the subject abruptly.

It's also essential to trust your gut. If you have a persistent feeling that you're not getting the whole truth, don't ignore it. While it's not definitive proof, our instincts can often detect when something is being hidden from us. Of course, not every omission is a deliberate attempt to deceive. Sometimes people avoid certain subjects because they're embarrassed or unsure of how to discuss them. That's why communication is key—don't hesitate to ask questions and seek clarity if something feels unclear.

Is lying by omission a form of gaslighting?

At first glance, lying by omission and gaslighting might seem different, but they share some overlapping characteristics. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where someone makes another person question their reality, often by denying facts or downplaying their feelings. Lies of omission, though less overt, can have a similar effect by distorting the truth and causing the other person to second-guess themselves.

In both cases, the goal is control. When someone lies by omission, they control what information the other person has access to, which ultimately shapes their perception of events. This can be confusing for the person on the receiving end, as they might feel uncertain or insecure about what they know. Over time, omission lies can contribute to the same feelings of self-doubt and confusion that gaslighting creates.

However, it's important to differentiate the two. Not every lie by omission is meant to manipulate or gaslight. Some omissions may be motivated by fear, shame, or a desire to avoid conflict, rather than an intent to distort reality. Still, when lies of omission are used repeatedly and systematically to control another person's understanding of the truth, they can become a subtle form of gaslighting.

5 ways to deal with lying by omission

When faced with lies of omission, it's essential to take action to prevent further damage. Here are five practical steps to handle the situation effectively:

1. Establish open communication: One of the first steps is to create an environment where honesty and openness are prioritized. Encourage clear communication, and express your desire for the full truth, even when it's difficult.
2. Confront the behavior: If you suspect someone is lying by omission, address the issue head-on. Confront the person in a calm and respectful manner. Share how the omission made you feel and why it's important to have complete transparency.
3. Ask direct questions: People who lie by omission often rely on the assumption that certain topics won't be brought up. Break that assumption by asking specific, pointed questions. This can make it harder for them to avoid the truth.
4. Set boundaries: Establish clear boundaries for what kind of information-sharing is necessary for a healthy relationship. Let the other person know that withholding key details is not acceptable and will impact your trust moving forward.
5. Seek professional help: If omission lies become a repeated pattern, it might be beneficial to involve a therapist or counselor. They can help mediate the situation and provide strategies for fostering more honest communication.

How to rebuild trust after lies by omission

Rebuilding trust after someone has lied by omission is no small feat. Trust is fragile, and once broken, it can take a long time to restore. However, it's not impossible. Both parties must be willing to engage in the process if trust is to be rebuilt.

The first step is full disclosure. The person who withheld information must come clean and be transparent moving forward. Without this, the path to trust will remain blocked. A sincere apology is also crucial—it's not enough to say, “I'm sorry.” The apology needs to acknowledge the impact the omission had on the relationship and express a commitment to change.

Consistency is another critical factor. Trust isn't rebuilt overnight; it takes time and effort. The person who lied by omission must demonstrate trustworthy behavior repeatedly. This means being honest, even when the truth is uncomfortable, and showing that they're committed to a more open and honest relationship.

Finally, patience is key. The person who was deceived may still harbor doubts and fears. It's important to give them the space they need to heal while reassuring them that you're committed to regaining their trust. In some cases, professional support from a therapist can provide the guidance necessary for both individuals to navigate this challenging process together.

Final thoughts on the consequences of omission

Lies of omission may seem harmless on the surface, but the damage they inflict on relationships can be profound. While they might appear to spare feelings or avoid conflict, the long-term effects are far more damaging. Trust, once broken, is difficult to rebuild, and the emotional distance caused by omission can lead to lasting scars in any relationship.

It's important to remember that withholding the truth often causes more pain than facing it head-on. By avoiding tough conversations or omitting key information, we create a false sense of security. This false sense of trust is fragile, and when the full truth comes to light, the devastation can be even greater than if the truth had been revealed earlier.

In relationships—whether romantic, familial, or professional—transparency is vital. People rely on trust to form genuine connections. Lies by omission threaten that connection by creating gaps in understanding and communication. They leave space for doubt and insecurity, which can erode the foundation of any relationship. Ultimately, truth is the bedrock on which meaningful relationships are built, and anything less weakens that foundation.

The lesson? Even when the truth is uncomfortable or difficult to share, it's always better to be honest and open. In the long run, transparency fosters stronger, healthier connections, while lies of omission only serve to create rifts that are often impossible to mend.

Recommended Resources

• The Dance of Deception by Harriet Lerner – A look into how deception, even subtle, affects relationships and personal growth.
• Lying: Moral Choice in Public and Private Life by Sissela Bok – This book explores the ethical and psychological impacts of lying, including lies by omission.
• Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen – A practical guide to navigating tough conversations and the importance of being open and honest.