The Surprising Reason They Pushed You Away (And How to Cope)

Key Takeaways:

• Understand emotional distance isn't personal
• Balance love with personal boundaries
• Patience and observation are essential
• Protect your mental health if needed
• Be prepared for difficult decisions

When Loving Someone Who Pushes You Away

There's nothing quite as painful as offering someone your love, only for them to push you away. It creates an emotional tug-of-war, leaving you feeling powerless, confused, and emotionally drained. You might wonder, “Is it me? Did I do something wrong?” When someone distances themselves, the instinct can be to hold on tighter, but that often backfires, doesn't it? It's natural to want to fix things, but there are times when understanding, not control, is the most valuable tool.

In relationships, especially with people who struggle with emotional vulnerability, this pushing away can feel like rejection, but often it's a reflection of their inner conflict, not your worth. We'll explore the reasons behind this emotional push-pull and give you strategies to navigate the delicate balance of loving someone who seems to resist your care.

Reasons Why Someone You Love Pushes You Away

It's easy to feel hurt when someone creates distance in a relationship. The truth is, people push others away for various reasons, and it's not always about you. Sometimes, they are protecting themselves from potential pain or dealing with internal struggles that make intimacy feel overwhelming.

Psychologically speaking, attachment theory offers one explanation. People with an avoidant attachment style, for example, may struggle with closeness because it feels threatening to their independence. Instead of leaning into intimacy, they distance themselves. Similarly, trauma or past negative relationship experiences can create a self-defense mechanism where they retreat to protect themselves emotionally. It's crucial to remember that their behavior is often rooted in fear, not in a reflection of your value as a partner.

We can also see cognitive dissonance at play here. Someone might desire closeness on one level but fear it on another, leading them to behave in ways that are contradictory to their emotions. It's this internal conflict that can leave you feeling confused and rejected. Understanding these psychological forces can help you step back and see their behavior from a more compassionate perspective.

Don't Stop Loving Them: The Balance Between Love and Space

When someone you care about starts pushing you away, the impulse can be to love them harder, to show them you're there no matter what. But too much pressure, even with the best intentions, can suffocate a person who feels overwhelmed. Loving someone while giving them space might seem like walking a tightrope, but it's essential for their emotional security and for your peace of mind.

Think of love like a steady hand offering support, not a grip that restricts. It's about being present without crowding. You can maintain your love and care for them, even if they don't seem to want it at that moment. But it's important to understand that love sometimes means allowing someone the room to breathe, reflect, and even come back when they're ready.

Author Esther Perel captures this dynamic perfectly when she says, “Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness.” This idea reflects that healthy love is not about control, but balance—a balance between being close and stepping back, trusting that both of you will find your way back to each other when the time is right.

Do Give Them Space: The Importance of Emotional Boundaries

As hard as it is to accept, sometimes the best way to support someone is to step back. Space is not abandonment, nor is it indifference. It's about respecting the emotional boundaries they've set, even if you don't fully understand them. Emotional boundaries help define where one person ends and another begins. Without them, we risk enmeshment, where both partners lose their individual identity within the relationship.

Psychologist Henry Cloud writes, “Boundaries are basically about providing structure, and structure is essential in building anything that thrives.” Space gives your partner room to think, process, and resolve their own emotional battles without the pressure of constantly managing yours. This step back doesn't diminish your love—it reinforces it by respecting their need for solitude.

By giving space, you create a safe distance where the person can explore their thoughts, fears, and desires without feeling overwhelmed. It's difficult, yes, but necessary for both their growth and the long-term health of your relationship. Sometimes the most powerful act of love is to let go, just enough, to let them find their way back.

Encourage Them to Open Up to You: Building a Bridge of Trust

When someone you love pushes you away, it's often because they are struggling with feelings they can't fully express. Encouraging them to open up is about building a bridge of trust—one that reassures them you're a safe space. But trust isn't something you can force; it's something you nurture through consistency, patience, and compassion.

Instead of asking direct questions that might make them feel cornered, create an environment where they feel comfortable sharing. For instance, a simple “I'm here if you ever need to talk” can do wonders in showing that you're available without pressuring them. The key is to listen, not just with the intention of responding, but to truly understand what they're experiencing.

Brené Brown, a leading researcher on vulnerability, says, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen.” By being open with your own feelings in a way that doesn't overwhelm, you model vulnerability, which can slowly encourage them to reciprocate.

Remember, their reluctance to open up isn't necessarily about mistrust in you, but rather a reflection of the difficulty they have trusting themselves or their own emotions. Patience and gentle reassurance can go a long way in helping them feel safe to share.

Step Back and Observe: Understanding Their Patterns

Sometimes the most valuable thing you can do in a relationship is simply observe. When someone you care about is distancing themselves, their actions often speak louder than words. Stepping back and observing their behavior gives you insight into their emotional patterns and helps you understand the root of their discomfort.

Are they pulling away after conflict? Or does it happen when things start to get too intimate? By paying attention to these details, you can learn what triggers their emotional retreat and respond with greater empathy. Rather than taking their distance personally, this understanding helps you see that their withdrawal may be a coping mechanism for deeper issues, not a reflection of your relationship's value.

Observation also allows you to gain perspective. It's easy to react emotionally when you're in the thick of things, but stepping back gives you a clearer view of the bigger picture. In this space, you're less likely to make decisions out of frustration and more likely to approach the situation with compassion and clarity.

This kind of detachment is not about disconnecting emotionally; it's about creating enough space to understand their behavior without being consumed by it. With time and insight, you'll be able to respond in a way that strengthens the relationship rather than escalating the emotional distance.

Give Them the Benefit of the Doubt: It's Not Always About You

When someone pulls away, it's easy to internalize their actions and think, “What did I do wrong?” But often, their withdrawal has little to do with you and more to do with their internal struggles. Giving them the benefit of the doubt is about recognizing that their actions are likely driven by personal fears, insecurities, or past experiences.

In relationships, especially when emotions run high, we often view the other person's behavior through the lens of our own feelings. But assuming every distance or silence is a reflection of your actions can lead to unnecessary guilt or resentment. By stepping back and considering that their actions might stem from something beyond your control, you relieve yourself of this emotional burden.

John Gottman, renowned for his research on relationship dynamics, emphasizes the importance of generosity in relationships. He says, “In marriage and other committed relationships, generosity is as important as loyalty.” This generosity of spirit means giving your partner room to be human—to have bad days, insecurities, and moments of withdrawal without immediately assuming the worst.

It doesn't mean you should ignore consistent harmful behavior, but rather give them the space to be flawed without making every action feel like an attack on you. Trust in their intentions and, more importantly, trust in your resilience as a partner.

Patience is a Must: Navigating Emotional Distance

Patience is not just a virtue in relationships—it's essential. Navigating emotional distance requires a deep well of patience because the journey can be long and filled with uncertainty. When someone is emotionally distant, they are often processing their own internal battles, and rushing them or demanding immediate resolution will only push them further away.

In these moments, patience means allowing the other person to come to their own conclusions in their own time. It's about creating a non-judgmental space where they don't feel pressured to resolve things on your timeline. Of course, waiting is uncomfortable, but patience doesn't mean doing nothing. It's active—it's about showing continued support, being available without smothering, and knowing when to offer encouragement and when to give them space.

Psychologically, this process ties into the concept of emotional regulation. For someone who feels overwhelmed or anxious about intimacy, emotional regulation can take time. They need to learn to manage their own feelings before they can re-engage with you in a meaningful way.

By being patient, you give them the opportunity to heal or reflect on their terms. And This patience often strengthens your bond, as it builds trust and shows that you're in this relationship for the long haul, not just for the easy moments.

Learn to Detach If Necessary: Protecting Your Own Mental Health

There comes a point when, despite all the love and patience you offer, you need to take a step back for your own well-being. Learning to detach doesn't mean you stop caring; it means you prioritize your mental health. Emotional distance in a relationship can be draining, and constantly chasing after someone who pushes you away can leave you feeling empty and anxious.

Detachment is about recognizing that you can't control someone else's feelings or actions. It's a way of setting emotional boundaries that protect your sense of self. This doesn't mean you have to walk away immediately, but it does mean loosening your grip on the idea that you can “fix” things. Sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do for both of you is to step back and give yourself room to breathe.

Dr. Judith Orloff, an expert in emotional freedom, explains, “Detachment is not that you should own nothing, but that nothing should own you.” In relationships, detachment allows you to maintain your sense of self-worth and identity, even when the other person is pulling away. It prevents you from losing yourself in their emotional turmoil and keeps you grounded in your own strength.

In practicing healthy detachment, you safeguard your mental health, avoid emotional burnout, and ultimately create a more balanced dynamic in your relationship. After all, you can't pour from an empty cup.

Be Ready to Walk Away: Knowing When It's Time to Let Go

Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, the healthiest choice is to walk away. If you've given them space, shown patience, encouraged openness, and still find yourself in a cycle of emotional distance and pain, it may be time to reconsider whether this relationship is serving your emotional well-being.

Walking away doesn't mean you've failed. It means you've recognized your worth and your limits. It's incredibly hard to leave someone you care about, but staying in a relationship that consistently drains you can have long-lasting effects on your mental health. Knowing when it's time to let go is a form of self-respect and a sign of emotional maturity.

In moments of doubt, remember the words of Maya Angelou: “You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.” These words remind us that your value isn't tied to someone else's willingness to engage emotionally. You deserve a relationship where love, respect, and emotional connection flow both ways.

While walking away is a painful decision, it opens the door to healing and, eventually, to a healthier relationship—whether with someone new or with yourself. You owe it to yourself to be in a relationship where you are valued and where both partners are fully present.

Last Words: The Power of Resilience in Relationships

At the end of the day, relationships are complex, and navigating emotional distance is never easy. But the true test of love often lies in how resilient both partners can be. Resilience in a relationship doesn't mean enduring pain or tolerating neglect—it means being able to weather the storms together and emerge stronger. It's about growth, understanding, and adapting to each other's needs without losing yourself in the process.

Resilience is not just about bouncing back; it's about learning from challenges, using them as opportunities to deepen your connection, and growing as individuals within the relationship. Every setback, every moment of emotional distance, is a chance to develop greater empathy, patience, and self-awareness. It teaches you the value of both togetherness and independence, helping you build a bond that's not only loving but also sustainable.

Remember, resilience in love isn't about holding on to something that's broken—it's about having the strength to make the right choices, whether that's staying and working through the issues or choosing to let go for the sake of your well-being. As you move forward, trust that the hard times will shape you into a more compassionate, emotionally intelligent person, capable of giving and receiving the love you deserve.

Whether you choose to stay or move on, the lessons you learn from this journey will shape how you approach all your relationships in the future. Resilience allows you to walk away stronger, or stay and build a deeper connection, knowing that you've navigated the hardest parts with grace.

Recommended Resources

• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown
• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
• Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend