The emotional rollercoaster experienced by those living with a covert narcissist can be punishing. Many individuals subjected to their partner’s put-downs find themselves in a vicious cycle of low self-esteem, which is perpetuated by the ever-present menace of the narcissist. Beyond just saying hurtful words, the narcissist may even employ special phrases and discourse that serve to destroy the target’s confidence.
When put-downs are spoken by those we care about, it is hard to stomach and comprehend, sometimes leaving us stunned and confused. Something so small can take a significant toll on our morale and undermine us, leaving us genuinely questioning ourselves. That’s why it’s particularly important to recognize these different types of phrases a covert narcissist uses as they are often skilled in this particular area.
First of all, the narcissist might rely on trivializing your experiences and contributions. Instead of showing appreciation for what you do, this kind of discource demeans your work or stints by mocking them and making you feel small. They might taunt your “accomplishments” or “undermine your worth” with truly cruel sarcasm.
Take the example of an individual who worked hard to write a book, perhaps hoping to receive admiration from their partner after its completion. The covert narcissist responds by saying "Are you serious? You call this writing? This isn’t worth being published". These reduced phrases often prove more hurtful than outright insults, as the sly attacker sprinkles devious attacks in what appears to be a charming and endearing remark.
Furthermore, another phrase seen quite frequently is the “you're too sensitive” comment. All too often, it is used to stop discussions at convenience and shift the blame onto the victim, silencing any opposition to the narcissist’s views. It sometimes is used to belittle another's authentic emotions, egged on by a false implication of fault and subsequent victim-blaming. The subtext of the phrase may be that the recipient of the message is “too dramatic” for the feelings they are exhibiting, likely leaving them feeling shameful and alone.
The narcissist may also use language that purports to show empathy and understanding, but which does not actually cover the heart of the issues mentioned. If you mention something troubling, the response could be “I know how it feels”, a kind of statement that diminishes your feelings and pain. Instead of displaying true support and concern, the narcissist acts as if they personally experienced the same issues you have gone through and empathize.
They may rely on invalidating expression such as “That doesn’t even make sense”. This serves to overall discredit their partner, seeing as the individual is told that whatever they say or feel is irrational or unjustified. This type of phrase implies that the other person is wrong and in effect, it attempts to make them doubt their own beliefs and opinions - yet another pick at the person’s slowly crumbling self-esteem.
Living with this kind of individual can be a torturous situation, one that can realistically be overcome only by setting strong boundaries, relying on supportive people, and always remembering the journey towards gaining confidence once again is worth it. Recognizing the phrases advanced by the potential narcissist allows us to build resilience and acts as the first step to getting on the path towards rewarding personal growth.
Once you attribute the problematic expressions to their manipulative source, it should be easier to separate yourself from this toxicity and focus on rebuilding your integrity and self-esteem. you will realize that your feelings and experiences are real and deserve to be validated.
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