Titles of sad love songs, stories of breakups and divorces, whispered conversations during friendly gatherings - they all echo one truth: relationships are difficult. Unraveling the tangled web of issues underlying a frustratingly dysfunctional relationship can be particularly tricky and immensely trying. Such was the case of Tess and Patricio, a couple in their late twenties who decided to seek counseling together.
When they first stepped into my consulting office, Tess and Patricio were caught tightly in an embrace of familiar pain and resentment. I sensed that this wasn’t a typical period of adjustment that couples experience at certain times - it seemed to me that their bond was on the brink of dissolution.
As I got to know them better, I found out that Patricio was extremely jealous. He was overly possessive and showed signs of insecurity, which caused both of them incredible distress and made their relationship increasingly volatile. His constant suspicion and invasive behavior had led to many fights and hurtful comments, eventually culminating in their decision to seek help.
While the main problem in their relationship was deep-rooted jealousy, it was also driven by lack of confidence in the partnership. Tess felt neglected, as Patricio’s attention was often diverted to doubts and insecurity - though he claimed to love her deeply. On numerous occasions, Patricio made her feel small and unworthy, creating a vicious cycle of mistrust and recrimination.
Unfortunately, until that moment, nothing had worked successfully in quelling his feelings of inadequacy and distrust. During our sessions, it became increasingly evident that he required a sense of safety in order to accept and trust other people. In addition, I could tell that exploring his own past could yield deeper insight into his condition. Despite feeling vulnerable and exposed, he agreed to look into unresolved issues from his past.
We started by delving into Patricio's childhood experiences, combining psychoanalytic techniques with more traditional forms of counseling. Through distilling and understanding his family dynamics, his past insecurities, and our awareness of the current state of their relationship, we were able to start prising open old wounds and frame his past in a new way.
By understanding himself more deeply, Patricio was able to recognize what had triggered his jealous behaviors and where the need for such expressions of love had stemmed from. He was also able to begin empathizing with Tess and understanding how his behaviors had hurt her, ultimately allowing them to restore some of the trust they had lost.
Although Tess and Patricio were facing a huge challenge, they decided to face it together, with mindfulness and compassion grounded in a solid commitment to create a secure and trusting bond. it was this open and honest willingness to understand and accept each other which enabled them to take steps to ameliorate the deepest difficulties in their relationship.
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