Shocking Relationship Deal-Breakers You Can't Ignore!

Key Takeaways:

• Define personal relationship deal-breakers
• Spot red flags like control
• Understand emotional abuse warning signs
• Prioritize communication and respect
• Set boundaries for your well-being

What is a deal-breaker in a relationship?

We've all been there—trying to decide whether a particular issue is worth ending a relationship over. But what exactly is a deal-breaker? Simply put, a deal-breaker is a non-negotiable behavior or characteristic that, when present, makes it impossible for you to maintain a healthy, happy partnership.

Deal-breakers vary from person to person. What's intolerable for one person might be acceptable to another, and that's okay. What matters is your ability to identify what you can and cannot live with. This could range from infidelity to a lack of emotional support. But understanding and articulating your deal-breakers is crucial for long-term relationship satisfaction.

Psychologist Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship expert, says that deal-breakers often stem from “perpetual problems” or deep-rooted conflicts that keep resurfacing. The question is: what are you willing to tolerate, and what behaviors cross the line into the unacceptable?

Do they abuse you emotionally or physically?

Abuse is an obvious and immediate deal-breaker for most of us, but it can sometimes be hard to recognize, especially in the form of emotional abuse. Physical abuse, while more visible, is often just the tip of the iceberg. Emotional abuse can be more subtle but equally damaging. This includes manipulation, belittling, or making you feel guilty for having your own thoughts and desires.

Emotional abusers often control their partners by isolating them, creating an atmosphere where the abused person questions their self-worth. Dr. Lundy Bancroft, author of “Why Does He Do That?”, explains that emotional abuse leads to a loss of self-identity. He writes, “Emotional abuse can be more painful than physical violence because it erodes a person's sense of self.”

If you find yourself walking on eggshells around your partner or constantly doubting your worth because of their actions, it's a sign that emotional abuse may be present. No one should tolerate any form of abuse, and staying in an abusive relationship can have lasting emotional scars.

Do they have an alcohol or drug problem?

When alcohol or drug use starts affecting your partner's behavior and your relationship, it's a serious red flag. Substance abuse is more than just a habit—it can lead to neglect, erratic behavior, and emotional detachment. It's not just about how much they drink or use, but how it affects their ability to show up in the relationship.

Many times, a partner struggling with addiction may become unreliable, distant, or even defensive. You might notice patterns of broken promises, mood swings, or episodes where they seem entirely unavailable. This can leave you feeling like you're walking through a minefield—never knowing when their next outburst or disappearance will happen.

One of the most challenging aspects of loving someone with a substance problem is realizing that you can't fix them. Clinical psychologist Dr. Claudia Black says, “When you're in a relationship with someone struggling with addiction, you're dealing with two people: the one you love and the one that the addiction controls.” Recognizing this duality can help you see when the issue has become a deal-breaker for your emotional well-being.

Is your partner supportive of your goals?

Support is the backbone of any healthy relationship. If your partner truly cares about you, they will encourage your growth—whether it's in your career, personal life, or any other passion you're pursuing. A supportive partner doesn't just cheer you on from the sidelines; they actively create a space where you feel empowered to chase your dreams.

However, if you notice that your partner belittles your ambitions or makes you feel guilty for investing in your own future, this is a clear sign that something is off. A partner who consistently devalues your goals or holds you back may be motivated by insecurity or control. Either way, it's harmful.

Psychologist Abraham Maslow, known for his work on the hierarchy of needs, emphasized the importance of self-actualization—achieving your full potential. If your partner isn't helping you grow, or worse, is actively hindering you, then that's a signal to reevaluate the relationship. Being in a relationship shouldn't mean shrinking to fit someone else's comfort zone.

Are you a priority in their life?

Being a priority in someone's life doesn't mean they need to spend every waking moment with you, but it does mean you should feel valued. When you're a priority to your partner, they make time for you, even when life gets busy. They don't cancel plans with you for last-minute work events or repeatedly put other people ahead of your relationship.

When you're not a priority, you'll feel it in subtle ways. Maybe you've caught yourself waiting for them to finally have time for a real conversation, or worse, you feel like you're competing for their attention against their job, friends, or even their phone. While occasional busy periods are normal, consistently feeling neglected can deeply harm your sense of connection and security.

Research shows that when we don't feel prioritized, it can lead to emotional disconnection. As Dr. Sue Johnson, an expert in relationship therapy, notes, “When our partner is emotionally unavailable, we start to question our worth in the relationship. We ask, ‘Am I not important enough?' and this question eats away at trust.” If you are constantly left feeling like an afterthought, it may be time to consider whether this is a deal-breaker for you.

Do they lie or keep secrets?

Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and without it, everything else crumbles. Lies and secrets create cracks in that foundation, whether it's a small lie about where they were last night or a bigger, more insidious deception. You should be able to trust that your partner is being honest with you—about their feelings, their whereabouts, and their intentions.

Secrets can be equally destructive. When a partner hides things from you—whether it's financial struggles, a past relationship, or even their thoughts about your future together—it undermines the trust you've built. You might start questioning everything: What else are they hiding? Can I trust what they're saying now?

In “The Truth About Trust,” psychologist David DeSteno explains, “The more often we catch our partners lying or keeping secrets, the more we feel the need to protect ourselves from future hurt. We begin to withhold parts of ourselves in return.” And once you start guarding yourself, true intimacy becomes almost impossible. If lying or secrecy becomes a recurring issue, it's time to ask yourself if you're willing to sacrifice your peace of mind to keep the relationship afloat.

Do they try to control you?

Control in a relationship can be subtle at first, but over time, it begins to erode your sense of independence. Maybe your partner insists on knowing where you are at all times, dictates how you should dress, or even tells you which friends are acceptable to hang out with. These may seem like small things, but they add up, and before you know it, you feel like you're losing pieces of yourself.

Controlling behavior is rooted in insecurity, but that doesn't make it any less harmful. It strips away your ability to make decisions freely and undermines the sense of equality in the relationship. The more someone controls you, the more you find yourself walking on eggshells, afraid of making the “wrong” choice that might upset them.

Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of “The Dance of Anger,” explains that control is about power. “When one partner exerts control over the other, the relationship becomes about dominance and submission, rather than mutual respect and trust.” If you notice these signs, it's crucial to recognize this as a serious deal-breaker. You deserve a relationship where both partners are equal, where your voice matters.

Is your partner in another relationship?

It may sound like an obvious deal-breaker, but sometimes, the signs of infidelity aren't clear-cut. Whether your partner is emotionally or physically involved with someone else, infidelity can destroy the trust that's vital to any relationship. And the betrayal doesn't have to involve sex—it can be emotional cheating, where your partner shares intimacy with someone else that should be reserved for you.

If your partner is in another relationship, whether openly or secretly, you may start to feel like you're in competition for their attention. This can lead to constant feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and ultimately, heartache. You might even find yourself rationalizing their behavior, thinking that maybe you're being too sensitive or that it's a phase. But the truth is, you should never have to share your partner's affection with someone else.

Author Esther Perel, in her book “The State of Affairs,” explains that cheating isn't just about sex; it's about betrayal and broken trust. She writes, “Affairs are not just about seeking pleasure, but about looking for lost parts of oneself.” While this may explain the motivations behind infidelity, it doesn't excuse the hurt it causes. If your partner is divided between you and someone else, it's time to evaluate whether staying is worth the damage to your self-esteem and emotional well-being.

What is their temperament like?

Your partner's temperament plays a huge role in the health of your relationship. Are they calm and collected in stressful situations, or do they tend to blow up at the smallest inconvenience? Do they handle disagreements with grace, or do they lash out with anger? These are critical factors because they shape how you handle conflict and how safe you feel expressing yourself.

It's normal for everyone to lose their temper once in a while, but if your partner's outbursts are frequent and unpredictable, it creates an unstable environment. You might start avoiding important conversations because you're afraid of how they'll react. When you're constantly walking on eggshells, that's a sign of emotional distress in the relationship.

Studies on emotional regulation show that people with volatile temperaments can deeply affect their partner's mental health. Dr. Daniel Goleman, the author of “Emotional Intelligence,” points out, “People who can't control their temper cause lasting emotional damage to those around them, creating a cycle of conflict that's hard to break.” If you're constantly managing their moods instead of focusing on a healthy partnership, this might be a deal-breaker worth considering.

How well do they communicate?

Communication is the backbone of any successful relationship. It's not just about talking but also about listening and understanding. How well does your partner express their feelings? Do they shut down when things get tough, or are they willing to engage in difficult conversations? Healthy communication doesn't mean you'll never argue, but it does mean you can talk openly and respectfully, even when emotions run high.

If your partner avoids communication—whether by dismissing your concerns, giving you the silent treatment, or simply refusing to engage—it leads to feelings of isolation. On the other hand, open communication fosters trust and intimacy, allowing you to tackle problems together rather than sweeping them under the rug.

Renowned marriage expert Dr. John Gottman emphasizes that “The difference between happy and unhappy couples is how they manage conflict. Couples who communicate openly are more likely to navigate through difficulties and come out stronger.” If your partner isn't willing to communicate, it's like trying to build a house without a foundation—sooner or later, it will collapse.

Do you fight frequently?

Fighting in a relationship is normal, but when it becomes the main form of communication, there's a problem. Every couple has disagreements, but if your relationship feels like one long argument, it's a sign that something deeper is wrong. Frequent fighting can erode trust and respect, leaving both partners feeling emotionally drained.

Ask yourself, what are the fights usually about? Is it the same issue coming up again and again, or is it a constant power struggle? If you find yourselves bickering over small things or having explosive arguments over minor issues, it could mean you're both frustrated about larger, unspoken problems.

Dr. Julie Gottman, a relationship therapist and co-founder of The Gottman Institute, notes, “When couples find themselves locked in a cycle of constant fighting, they're often dealing with underlying emotions like fear, insecurity, or unmet needs.” It's crucial to recognize whether the frequency and intensity of your fights are leading to long-term damage. Conflict should lead to resolution, not to continuous tension.

What are your instincts telling you?

Sometimes, the best barometer for whether or not your relationship is healthy is your gut feeling. Deep down, you usually know when something's not right. You may have moments where you're flooded with doubt, where something feels off even if you can't pinpoint exactly why. Trusting your instincts can be difficult, especially when emotions are involved, but it's often your subconscious picking up on red flags.

Our brains are wired to recognize patterns, and even if you can't consciously explain what's bothering you, your instincts are often a reflection of repeated behavior you've noticed. If you frequently feel anxious, worried, or uneasy around your partner, it's time to explore why.

Relationship expert Dr. David Schnarch says, “Trusting your gut is part of emotional intelligence. When something feels off in a relationship, it usually is, and ignoring your instincts only prolongs the inevitable.” If your instincts are telling you that you're unhappy or unsafe, don't dismiss them. Those feelings are there for a reason.

Do they have serious health issues?

Serious health issues can complicate relationships in unexpected ways. Whether physical or mental, health problems can create emotional strain, especially if they significantly affect your partner's ability to engage in the relationship. It's important to distinguish between being a supportive partner and recognizing when their health issues are preventing you both from having a balanced, fulfilling relationship.

While illness should never be a reason to abandon a partner, it's important to ask yourself whether their health issues are negatively impacting your own mental and emotional well-being. Are you constantly in the caregiver role, sacrificing your own needs to care for them? Or do their health problems lead to frequent emotional volatility that leaves you feeling drained?

In some cases, serious health issues can shift the dynamic of a relationship to the point where it no longer feels like a partnership. Psychologist Dr. Pauline Boss, who studies caregiving stress, notes, “When illness transforms a relationship into one of constant caregiving, partners often feel isolated and lose their sense of identity.” It's not about being selfish—it's about recognizing when the relationship is no longer sustainable for both partners.

Are they inattentive or uncaring?

Feeling ignored or uncared for in a relationship can be devastating. It's not just about grand romantic gestures; it's about the little things, like listening when you talk or showing concern when you're upset. A partner who is consistently inattentive or emotionally unavailable signals that they may not be fully invested in the relationship.

When a partner doesn't care about your feelings or makes little effort to connect emotionally, it can leave you feeling lonely even when you're together. Emotional neglect is a subtle but powerful form of abandonment, and it erodes the emotional bond that keeps a relationship strong. Over time, this lack of attention can lead to feelings of resentment or bitterness.

In her book “Hold Me Tight,” Dr. Sue Johnson, a pioneer in couples therapy, explains, “Emotional disconnection is one of the biggest predictors of relationship dissatisfaction. When one partner consistently feels ignored or neglected, the emotional distance grows until it feels insurmountable.” If your partner isn't showing up for you emotionally, it's time to question whether this is a relationship you want to continue investing in.

Do they isolate you from friends or family?

One of the most concerning signs in a relationship is when your partner begins to isolate you from the people who care about you. Isolation can start subtly, like them discouraging you from spending time with friends or making you feel guilty for visiting family. Over time, this isolation becomes more pronounced, and you might find yourself increasingly cut off from your support system.

Isolation is a form of control. When your partner limits your contact with others, they gain more influence over your thoughts and decisions. It becomes easier for them to manipulate your perspective when you have no one else to turn to for advice or reassurance. It's a tactic often used by emotionally abusive partners to ensure that you become dependent on them.

Psychologist Dr. Patricia Evans, in her book “The Verbally Abusive Relationship,” explains that isolation serves as a means of control. She writes, “When a partner systematically cuts you off from loved ones, they are attempting to take away your external sources of support and validation.” If you find yourself distanced from friends or family because of your partner's influence, it's a serious red flag that needs to be addressed.

Are they unavailable when you need them?

A partner who is never there when you need them isn't just physically absent—they're emotionally unavailable too. Whether it's not answering calls, missing important events, or simply being emotionally checked out, consistent unavailability is a sign of disconnection. Relationships thrive on mutual support, and if your partner can't be counted on during critical moments, it's going to wear you down over time.

We all go through rough patches, but if you notice a pattern where your partner is constantly unavailable—whether due to work, distractions, or other priorities—it's a sign that your needs are not being met. Feeling unsupported during tough times can make you feel alone even when you're in a relationship, which is a clear indicator that something's wrong.

Relationship counselor Terri Orbuch, author of “5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great,” points out that “Emotional availability is about being present not just in physical presence, but in emotional support and engagement.” If your partner consistently fails to show up when you need them, it's time to reconsider how much effort they're putting into the relationship.

Are you sacrificing your career or personal goals?

A healthy relationship should enhance your life, not hinder your growth. If you find yourself constantly putting your career or personal ambitions on the back burner to accommodate your partner's needs, it's worth asking whether this dynamic is sustainable. Compromise is a normal part of any relationship, but sacrificing your dreams entirely is not.

When you start to abandon your goals for the sake of the relationship, resentment often follows. You may begin to feel trapped or frustrated, wondering why your partner's dreams seem to take precedence over yours. While some compromises are necessary, your partner should encourage your growth, not stifle it.

Therapist Esther Perel explains in “Mating in Captivity” that “A partnership thrives when both individuals are able to pursue their personal ambitions while nurturing the relationship.” If you constantly feel like your personal goals are sidelined, it's a strong indication that the relationship may be holding you back rather than pushing you forward.

Do they neglect personal hygiene?

Neglecting personal hygiene may seem trivial at first, but it can be a sign of deeper issues. When someone stops caring about their appearance or basic self-care, it often reflects a lack of respect—for themselves and for the relationship. Hygiene neglect can lead to discomfort, embarrassment, or even a sense of distance between partners.

It's not just about superficial appearance. Neglecting hygiene can be a sign of depression, stress, or underlying health problems. If your partner used to take care of themselves but has gradually let that slip, it's worth having an open, honest conversation about what's going on beneath the surface. Ignoring the issue won't make it go away.

As psychiatrist Dr. Richard O'Connor notes in “Undoing Depression,” “Changes in self-care habits are often a reflection of mental health struggles, and addressing the underlying cause is just as important as addressing the behavior.” If hygiene neglect becomes a pattern, it may also be a signal that your partner is disengaging from the relationship altogether.

Are they too high maintenance?

Being with someone who constantly demands attention, gifts, or validation can be exhausting. If your partner requires frequent reassurances, over-the-top gestures, or always wants things done their way, they may be too high maintenance for a balanced relationship. Relationships thrive on give and take, and if you're the one doing all the giving, resentment is bound to build.

High-maintenance behavior often stems from insecurity or a need for control. While it's natural to want love and attention, a partner who constantly drains your emotional energy leaves little room for mutual support and growth. If you find yourself constantly working to keep them happy, ask yourself if you're getting the same effort in return.

Psychologist Dr. Sherry Argov, in her book “Why Men Love Bitches,” suggests that “Partners who are too demanding often end up suffocating the relationship, leaving little room for individuality or personal space.” If you feel like you're always walking on eggshells to meet their demands, this could be a deal-breaker.

Are they okay with a long-distance relationship?

Long-distance relationships are challenging, and not everyone is equipped to handle the emotional and logistical strain they can bring. If you and your partner are separated by distance—whether due to work, school, or family obligations—it's crucial to discuss whether both of you are committed to making it work. Being okay with long-distance means being willing to put in the extra effort to stay connected and emotionally close, despite the physical gap.

Some people thrive in long-distance situations, using the separation as an opportunity to focus on personal growth, while others struggle with feelings of loneliness or insecurity. If your partner isn't fully on board with maintaining communication and trust over the distance, it's going to cause problems. A long-distance relationship requires clear expectations and a willingness to be emotionally present, even when you're physically apart.

Relationship expert Dr. Terri Orbuch notes, “Couples in long-distance relationships who actively work on maintaining emotional intimacy, by regularly communicating and visiting, have a much higher chance of success.” If your partner isn't willing to put in the effort to bridge the distance, it may be a sign that the relationship won't survive the miles.

Do you lack sexual compatibility?

Sexual compatibility is often more important than we realize. It's not just about physical attraction, but about shared values, desires, and intimacy in the bedroom. If you and your partner have different sexual needs or preferences, it can lead to frustration and disconnect over time. While it's normal for couples to have periods where sex isn't a priority, a persistent lack of sexual fulfillment can be a significant issue.

Sexual compatibility isn't about how often you have sex, but rather about whether both partners feel satisfied with the physical and emotional intimacy they share. If one person feels neglected or unsatisfied, it can spill over into other areas of the relationship, leading to resentment or emotional distance. Addressing sexual incompatibility early on can prevent larger issues down the road.

In her book “Mating in Captivity,” Esther Perel discusses how sexual dissatisfaction often stems from emotional disconnect, noting that “Erotic life is about more than just pleasure; it's about connection and communication.” If you and your partner can't find common ground in this area, it's a conversation that needs to happen, because sexual frustration can quietly erode the foundation of a relationship.

Are they irresponsible with money?

Financial irresponsibility is one of the leading causes of stress in relationships. If your partner is consistently bad with money—whether it's overspending, gambling, or racking up debt without a plan to pay it off—it can lead to constant tension and worry. Financial problems don't just affect your bank account; they also take a toll on your emotional well-being and future plans.

Money represents security, stability, and the ability to build a future together. When one partner is irresponsible with finances, it creates an imbalance of power and trust. You may find yourself picking up the slack, covering their expenses, or bailing them out of financial messes, which breeds resentment. Financial compatibility is crucial because it reflects shared values and goals.

In “The Total Money Makeover,” financial expert Dave Ramsey emphasizes, “Couples who don't have a shared financial vision often end up fighting about money more than any other topic. Trust and openness about finances are key to a healthy relationship.” If your partner's financial habits are causing stress and uncertainty, it's important to evaluate whether you can continue in the relationship without constant financial conflict.

Final thoughts on deal-breakers in a relationship

Ultimately, deal-breakers are deeply personal. What you find intolerable might be something someone else can live with. But the key is understanding your own boundaries and being honest about what you need to feel secure and fulfilled in a relationship. Ignoring deal-breakers because you're afraid of being alone or because you're hopeful things will change often leads to prolonged heartache and resentment. Respecting yourself enough to walk away when your boundaries are crossed is an act of self-love.

Deal-breakers aren't about being inflexible—they're about protecting your emotional health. If certain behaviors or patterns consistently make you feel unappreciated, unsupported, or unsafe, it's time to reevaluate the relationship. Choosing to stay in a situation that diminishes your sense of self-worth can have long-lasting emotional consequences.

Relationship expert Dr. Henry Cloud, co-author of “Boundaries in Marriage,” emphasizes the importance of setting limits in relationships. He writes, “You get what you tolerate. If you allow certain behaviors without holding your partner accountable, they're unlikely to change.” Deal-breakers should be respected by both partners, and mutual understanding of these boundaries is essential for a relationship to thrive.

It's important to remember that deal-breakers aren't always about the other person being “bad.” Sometimes, it's just about fundamental incompatibilities—whether it's values, goals, or the way you approach life. There's no shame in recognizing when a relationship isn't right for you and choosing to move on to something healthier and more fulfilling.

Recommended Resources

• "Boundaries in Marriage" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
• "The Dance of Anger" by Dr. Harriet Lerner
• "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel
• "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Dr. Patricia Evans
• "The Total Money Makeover" by Dave Ramsey