Letting Go of Defensiveness - How to Unlearn Being Defensive in Relationships

We all know that defensiveness can be a real impediment to our relationships. This often surface as guardedness, criticism, accusation, or hostility. But do you know where it comes from and how to let it go? It may be easier said than done, but with understanding and effort, it is possible to unlearn being defensive in relationships.

Having a strong sense of self-awareness is critical to recognizing defensiveness and its underlying causes. Defensiveness often stems from insecurity. When we feel threatened by someone's words or actions, we may become defensive to protect ourselves from pain. We may start to shut down or put up walls, even when there is nothing to defend against. It is natural to want to protect yourself, but it prevents real connection.

Similarly, deep-rooted feelings of inferiority can also lead to defensiveness in relationships. We may feel unworthy or undeserving of love and our defensive posture becomes a reflex to shield ourselves from judgment and ridicule. Consequently, our guard goes up and this keeps us from progressing emotionally. In these cases, the key is accepting that flaws are a part of life. Instead of being ashamed or getting defensive, recognize and own them.

People may also become defensive because our past experiences have conditioned us to respond a certain way in certain situations. Maybe we grew up in an environment where judgements and criticism where rampant. These types of responses may have been so normal that they become instinctive; they seep into our subconscious until they are triggered by anything that resembles vulnerability. To break these unhealthy patterns, one must first identify what triggers them and look objectively at how they respond.

Of course, no two people are exactly alike and the same goes for their experiences with defensiveness. Therefore, the path to changing defensive behaviors can look different for everyone. Here are some tips to help you on your journey:

1) Start with yourself—Develop an honest understanding of why you're so defensive and take ownership of these emotions and reactions.

2) Be mindful—Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings, freely admitting when something is triggering your defenses and validating them, but still not letting them control your actions.

3) Practice positive self-talk—Change negative mantras such as "they don't like me", "I'm always right" into more objective language that focuses on behavior over character traits such as "I don't agree with their decision" or "let me think about this more".

4) Listen—When another person speaks to you, really listen to what they are saying and try to understand their perspective before reacting defensively. Sometimes, all you need is some clarification on their viewpoint to dispel any misunderstandings.

5) Empathize—Put yourself in the other person's shoes for a minute and see the world through their perspective. This can help you gain a better understanding of what they're feeling and can foster empathy and help to dissipate any prickling emotions or tension.

6) Stay engaged—Don't just shut down when things get difficult or you start feeling overwhelmed; stay in it and actively work through matters of conflict. This openness will show the other person that you care enough that you want to understand each other and come out of the situation as improved people and partners.

7) Speak up—Share your opinions and innermost thoughts without worry that they will be judged or met with hostility. Open dialogue requires courage and trust, so keep your guard down and be honest with your communication.

Defensiveness can seem like an insurmountable labyrinth trying to separate two people who love each other — it can make it seem impossible to get through. But practice makes perfect! Hopefully these tips will help clear the pathway so that you can find your way back to each other, stronger than ever before.