It can be very easy to end up resenting someone when you are constantly being taken for granted and put second. There may come a time in relationships of any kind–whether familial, romantic, or platonic–where one person may begin to feel as if they are not being valued or respected, and resentment can quickly set in. Learning how to recognise when you’re putting others first to your own detriment and how to give yourself permission to prioritise your own needs is an essential relationship skill.
Too often, we stay put in relationships where we are stuck in an unhealthy pattern. We keep going without realising that this unhealthy pattern is slowly eroding away at our own self-worth and happiness. The deeper we get into the cycle, the more we risk compromising our joy and peace. When our reservoirs of patience and compassion break, all we have left is destabilising resentment that keeps us from reaching true feelings of trust and acceptance.
This attitude of self-sacrifice and martyrdom may stem from a place of wanting to please, to show loyalty and love or to offer unconditional support. It’s perfectly alright to want to show someone that they are cared for, but it’s also important to move away from the subconscious need to please and ‘prove’ oneself, or to receive appreciation or validation. This is synonymous with putting yourself in prison; bashing yourself against the wall until you are drained physically, mentally and emotionally.
The process of letting go of the resentment and putting yourself first starts by recognising that there is an imbalance and making the conscious decision to adjust through action. You must learn to identify what “putting yourself first” means to you and learn to enforce this boundary without guilt. Along the way, you will find yourself saying ‘no’ to requests that you do not wish to take on and learning how to express yourself effectively.
Part of effective communication is also about self-expression. For a relationship to be healthy, you must be able to discuss difficult subjects openly and with respect. Open communication prevents misunderstandings, frustration, and gives both parties the chance to find resolution. Open communication can start with simply expressing your truth in an assertive, non-confrontational way. Doing this encourages the other person to also share without fear of judgement and negative responses.
Be mindful of the way internal dialogue affects the self. Our emotional and mental health is often affected by negative self-talk and self-criticism, both of which can lead to a distorted sense of perspective in life. Positive affirmations are helpful, such as reminding yourself that you are worthy and that boundaries can be established out of love, not just for yourself, but for all relationships involved.
Sometimes, boundaries are of little use without having implemented some sort of self-care practice. This could be anything from taking a walk outdoors and appreciating nature, treating yourself to minor luxuries, quitting bad habits such as smoking or playing computer games excessively and reducing your caffeine intake. A good way to kick-start a self-care plan is to write down a comprehensive list of all the things that bring you joy and make an effort to include those activities in your day-to-day life.
Putting yourself first is not selfish–it’s necessary. Prioritising your mental, physical and emotional well-being will allow you to find balance, cultivate joy and foster healthier relationships in the long run. Allowing yourself time and resources to fill your reservoir of psychological and emotional resilience is essential to understanding and implementing boundaries in relationships that make you feel fulfilled and satisfied.
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