What do you do when you desire to take an active role in reigniting a once-burnt flame of love with someone who is no longer interested in being with you? How much can another change, develop and evolve before you recognize them as the person you once loved? When it comes to winning someone back, it often takes more than subtle gestures of appreciation or big romantic displays to bring about a lasting relationship. It requires both individuals’ acknowledgement of their respective contribution to the situation and an effort to understand – to really listen – to one another.
There is something do deeply romantic in the idea that we may be able to win back the one we loved without deeply understanding how we had fallen apart in the first place. Much like a beginning of a fairytale relationship, however, this thought is often but an illusion. Change does not come easily, and the course of our interpersonal dynamics cannot be altered on a whim.
Practically speaking, the first obstacle that confronts us is forming a comprehension of the condition of our relationship. They way we see ourselves affected – what angers us, what hurts us – provides insight into common ground while also offering clues of how to address our personal pain. After this understanding is formed, the next step is determining how one’s own contribution can help mend the divide. Do your actions demonstrate care, concern and kindness even when challenged? Is there an openness to resolving the case in a constructive manner instead of resorting to the same tired pattern?
Furthermore, recognizing your loved one’s accomplishments may provide another avenue of success. Attentive listening- really taking the time to pay attention - rather than defend yourself aids in understanding their thought process and creating a dialogue ripe for possible reconcilliation. This exchange opens paths for both individuals to express needs and feelings in a healthy fashion. Additionally, this therapeutic approach allows both parties to learn from mistakes, such that repeating these patterns becomes less likely down the road.
No less important is allowing the other person time to process what has transpired. If regret for your past is conducted in the proper manner, a ceasefire can be formed providing a bridge to negotiated peace. Patience and acceptance become key factors in undertaking such mission. Even if a reaction is not immediate, the hope of reconciliation remains.
If trust should arise from this exchange, both parties may be comfortable exploring whether love may be resurrected and can again flourish. Paths once left barren then sprout fresh signs of life, perhaps leading to a renewal of connection.
Winning the one you love feels like a significant victory. But along with achieving that goal comes responsibility. After conquering the obstacles and winning in the end, our true challenge lies in maintaining a joint understanding of the issues, of their pain and our hurt. We may win battles, but only by accepting, understanding and respecting one another can true victory be achieved in love.
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