“How did I not see it sooner?” You may have asked yourself that same thought on repeat as you sit and try to make sense of what happened. It started off as an ordinary relationship. Out with friends, sharing meals, having numerous conversations - all those times spent together were building the foundation of what it seemed like a relationship would be sustained by trust. How could something so strong turn into utter fragility? When words are not backed up, it makes for an atmosphere of mistrust - where it feels as though every word spoken could be easily torn down. And if there’s anything worse than feeling as though you can’t trust your significant other, it’s finding out they were lying to you the entire time.
Before you can start working towards breaking the cycle of being lied to in your relationship, you must first accept that it has happened, and then understand why. Did they lie to cover up an affair? Did they lie because they didn’t trust you? Neither situation is right; you never deserve to be kept in the dark or even lied to in general. However, understanding why can give you some insight as to how to get to the underlying issues and really start to unpack what’s been happening.
No matter the reason, a liar can come between trust and understanding in relationships; what had started so strongly may suddenly become slowly torn apart. It’s easy to become resentful. It’s just as simple to become overwhelmed. When someone lies in relationships, it can become very difficult to continue those relationships. This is because trust is a crucial element of any successful relationship, and when someone betrays your trust it's nearly impossible to hold on. All apprehension aside, it’s possible to get through this situation and begin to regain that much-needed trust. Not overnight, but with effort and understanding in the long-term.
The key to repairing a relationship after a lie is communicating openly and honestly. It’s essential to create an environment which encourages your partner to be open and vulnerable; to show their truth. Without that, it’s almost impossible to move past something like a lie. Taking the initiative to start the conversation will require you to share your feelings, but it’s important to keep the end goal in mind. Establishing a space in which your partner feels safe enough to open up and talking through the issue without placing blame (on either side) is important. If everyone involved remains mindful that the goal is to begin to mend the relationship and move forward and communicate effectively, you will be off to a good start.
At this point, you might find it difficult to trust your partner completely again; it’s worth setting boundaries both for your safety and sanity. Boundaries might include requiring full disclosure of anything that could impact the relationship, and withholding certain aspects of your life from them until trust is built up again. Depending on the situation and the goals set, consider setting guidelines within your relationship to rebuild trust, such as taking communication breaks, and checking in before making major decisions.
Finally, don’t forget to take care of yourself, first and foremost. Utilize helpful resources such as counseling, support groups, and self-help books. Keeping an open dialogue with your friends and family is important to let them support you as well. Investing in your own wellbeing will help you to stay strong as time moves on.
Relationships can survive after being lied to, but there needs to be an active initiative from everyone involve to work towards rebuilding trust. Connecting and communicating with patience, understanding, and acceptance is fundamental to creating and maintaining a safe space in which to heal.
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