How to Get That Guy You Want (With Proven Steps)

Key Takeaways:

• Confidence is more attractive than perfection.
• Genuine interest builds emotional connection.
• Active listening shows you care.
• Maintain independence to stay empowered.
• Boundaries create respect and trust.

Why We Feel Insecure Around Guys We Like

Ever notice how when you really like someone, all your usual confidence can suddenly vanish? One moment you're totally fine, and the next, you're overthinking every word and action. It's frustrating, but incredibly common. This insecurity stems from the desire for acceptance. We all want to feel liked, but when emotions are involved, that need can become overwhelming.

Psychologist Carl Rogers talks about this in his theory of unconditional positive regard. Essentially, we fear rejection because we tie our self-worth to how others view us. That's why the stakes feel so high when we like someone—we're afraid they won't see us as valuable, or worse, they'll outright reject us.

But here's the truth: a lot of this insecurity comes from within, not from the guy you're interested in. Once we recognize that our fears are often self-imposed, we can begin to challenge and overcome them. By working on our mindset, we can reduce the pressure we place on ourselves and approach interactions more naturally.

Building Confidence Starts From Within

Confidence is magnetic. Yet, for so many of us, it's something we constantly feel we're lacking—especially when trying to get the attention of a guy we like. But here's the thing: confidence isn't about being flawless, it's about owning who you are. When you walk into a room with the belief that you're enough, people pick up on that energy.

One of the first steps in building confidence is recognizing that you have something valuable to offer. Stop comparing yourself to others or thinking you need to change to fit someone else's ideal. This ties into self-acceptance, a critical part of psychologist Albert Ellis' Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT). Ellis argued that our irrational beliefs about ourselves are often the biggest source of our insecurity. Rewriting these beliefs—telling yourself you're worthy just as you are—is the foundation of genuine confidence.

Instead of seeking external validation from the guy you like, start validating yourself. Confidence begins when you stop looking for approval and start believing that you're enough. Whether it's through self-care, personal growth, or simply affirming your strengths, building confidence from within is a game-changer in relationships—and life.

How to Show Interest Without Being Overbearing

Showing interest in a guy you like can feel like walking a tightrope. You don't want to come off as too eager, but you also don't want to seem disinterested. So, how do you strike the balance? The key lies in subtlety and authenticity. A light touch goes a long way.

Let's start with body language. It often says more than words ever could. Leaning slightly forward during conversation, making consistent (but not constant) eye contact, and giving a warm smile can signal that you're engaged and interested. Just as importantly, give him space to reciprocate. People appreciate mutual interaction, not a one-sided display of affection.

Keep in mind that you're showing interest, not seeking validation. Sometimes, we can get caught up in thinking that we need constant attention to feel like we matter to someone. But that's not the case. Genuine connection doesn't come from forcing things; it comes from letting things develop naturally, without unnecessary pressure.

Developing Real Emotional Connections

We often focus on surface-level attraction when trying to get a guy's attention, but real emotional connections are what keep a relationship alive. So, how do you build that emotional foundation?

It starts with vulnerability. Opening up about your feelings, experiences, and thoughts creates a sense of trust between you and him. When you share a part of yourself, you're inviting him to do the same. It's not about oversharing or dumping all your emotional baggage, but about giving him a glimpse into who you really are.

Psychologist Brené Brown said, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen.” When you open up emotionally, you allow both of you to connect on a deeper level—far beyond looks and superficial attraction.

Emotional connection is also about empathy. Actively listening to what he has to say and showing that you genuinely care about his experiences is crucial. This creates a bond where both people feel seen, heard, and valued. That's the kind of connection that leads to something meaningful, not just a fleeting romance.

Taking Care of Yourself to Attract the Right Energy

Before you can attract the right guy, you need to focus on attracting the right energy. This starts with taking care of yourself—not just physically, but emotionally and mentally as well. When you feel good about who you are, that confidence radiates outward, drawing people in. Think of it as aligning your energy with what you truly want.

Self-care isn't just about bubble baths and face masks (though those can be great!). It's about doing the deeper work—setting boundaries, practicing mindfulness, and prioritizing your mental health. When you're at peace with yourself, you exude a calm confidence that naturally attracts the right people into your life.

Even something as simple as engaging in a hobby you love can shift your energy. By investing in your passions, you become more interesting, vibrant, and centered. As a result, the right guy will be drawn to the authentic you, not just the surface-level version.

It's also important to remember that self-worth is at the core of healthy attraction. As relationship expert Esther Perel puts it, “The quality of your relationships depends on the quality of the relationship you have with yourself.” When you prioritize your well-being, you attract relationships that reflect that value.

How Humor Can Break the Ice

Humor is one of the best tools for breaking down barriers and making connections. If you've ever laughed with someone, you know how it can instantly create a sense of ease and comfort. When you're trying to get a guy to open up or feel comfortable, a well-placed joke or playful banter can work wonders.

Humor is disarming—it can lower defenses and make people more open to connection. It doesn't have to be forced or over the top. A simple comment about the situation you're both in or a light tease (in good fun!) can make the interaction more enjoyable and less pressured.

As psychologist Martin Seligman explains in his research on positive psychology, humor can help foster optimism and resilience in relationships. It's not just about getting a laugh; it's about creating a positive, enjoyable atmosphere that both people want to be a part of. When you laugh together, you build a bridge that makes deeper conversation and connection feel more natural.

So don't be afraid to show off your sense of humor. If a guy can appreciate your wit and laugh with you, it's a great sign that you're on the same page emotionally.

Being Supportive Without Losing Yourself

One of the most attractive qualities in any relationship is support—being someone's cheerleader, their confidante, the person who stands by them when things get tough. But there's a fine line between being supportive and losing your sense of self. You want to be there for him, but that doesn't mean you should bend over backward or forget your own needs in the process.

Being supportive means offering encouragement and empathy without sacrificing your own boundaries. It's about showing up for the other person while staying true to who you are. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman has done extensive research on what makes relationships thrive, and one of the key factors is the ability to “turn toward” your partner emotionally. This means recognizing when they need you and being present for them, but not to the point where you're constantly putting their needs ahead of your own.

In a healthy relationship, support goes both ways. You should feel just as uplifted and cared for as the guy you're supporting. If it feels one-sided, it's a sign that the dynamic needs rebalancing. You deserve to be with someone who encourages you just as much as you encourage them.

Engaging in Common Interests to Create Bond

Shared experiences create memories, and those memories build bonds. Engaging in common interests is one of the best ways to deepen your connection with a guy. Whether it's a shared love for hiking, music, or even a quirky hobby, these experiences offer a chance to connect on a deeper level.

Think about it—when you're doing something you both enjoy, you're more relaxed, more yourself, and more present in the moment. This authenticity strengthens the bond between you two, and it gives you something to talk about and share. In fact, research shows that shared activities can increase feelings of closeness and satisfaction in relationships.

But don't force it. It's important to find genuine common ground rather than pretending to be interested in something just because he likes it. For example, if he's a sports fanatic but you'd rather read a book, it's okay to let him have his thing while you find shared interests elsewhere. The goal is to build a connection through mutual experiences, not fake enthusiasm.

Having some overlap in interests lays the foundation for a relationship where both people feel seen, understood, and appreciated. It's about creating shared moments that bring you closer together, rather than just focusing on the attraction alone.

Why You Need to Stay Independent

In the rush of attraction, it's easy to get caught up in wanting to be everything to the guy you like. But losing your independence in the process is a quick path to losing yourself. Maintaining your sense of autonomy is not only crucial for your own well-being, but it's also incredibly attractive.

When you maintain your independence, you show that you have a life, interests, and passions outside of the relationship. This creates a sense of mystery and respect. It also demonstrates that you're not relying on someone else to complete you—you're a whole person on your own. And that's powerful.

Psychologist Dr. Harriet Lerner, in her book The Dance of Intimacy, explains that healthy relationships thrive when both partners maintain their individual identities. Co-dependence, on the other hand, often leads to resentment and emotional burnout. When you have your own life, it keeps the relationship balanced, and it allows for more growth—both personally and as a couple.

So, pursue your own goals, nurture your friendships, and spend time on your hobbies. Independence doesn't mean distance; it means strength, and that strength makes your connection even more meaningful.

The Power of Active Listening

We often underestimate how much impact really listening to someone can have. When you actively listen to a guy, you show him that you care about what he has to say, that you value his thoughts and opinions. This creates a deeper connection and makes him feel understood, which is a core part of building any meaningful relationship.

Active listening isn't just about hearing the words; it's about being fully present. This means putting down your phone, making eye contact, and showing through your body language that you're engaged. Reflecting on what he says by asking questions or giving thoughtful responses is another way to show that you're tuned in.

Dr. Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, once said, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” When you shift from listening just to respond, to listening with the goal of truly understanding, it transforms the conversation. You'll build trust and intimacy without even saying much.

Remember, active listening is a skill that takes practice, but it's one of the most valuable tools you can use to build a lasting connection. When someone feels heard, they feel valued—and that's something we all want in relationships.

Setting Healthy Boundaries in New Relationships

Setting boundaries in a new relationship can feel tricky, especially when you're excited about someone and want everything to go smoothly. But here's the truth: boundaries aren't walls that keep people out—they're guidelines that keep relationships healthy and respectful. Without them, you can quickly lose yourself, and the relationship can turn into something overwhelming.

Boundaries are about knowing and communicating your limits. It might mean saying no to plans if you need time for yourself, or discussing what you're comfortable with emotionally or physically. It's not about being rigid; it's about being clear on what works for you.

In her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab says, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” Healthy boundaries allow you to love freely while still protecting your own emotional well-being. If a guy respects your boundaries, that's a good sign he's mature and capable of building a meaningful relationship.

Don't shy away from setting boundaries early on—it helps establish mutual respect and ensures that you're both on the same page as things progress.

What You Should Look For in a Guy

It's easy to get swept up in the excitement of a new crush, but if you're looking for something meaningful, it's important to know what you're looking for in a guy. Looks and charm might catch your eye, but deeper qualities are what really matter in the long run.

First and foremost, look for emotional availability. A guy who is emotionally open can communicate his feelings, is comfortable with vulnerability, and is willing to work through challenges with you. Without this, it's tough to build a truly connected relationship.

Next, consider how he treats you—and others. Is he respectful, kind, and considerate? A guy who shows empathy and can put himself in someone else's shoes will be much more supportive in the long term. Empathy is the backbone of emotional intimacy.

Lastly, shared values are key. Whether it's how you view relationships, career goals, or family, having similar values helps create a strong foundation. You don't have to agree on everything, but aligning on the big stuff makes life a whole lot smoother.

Remember, it's not about finding the “perfect” guy—it's about finding someone whose values and character align with yours. That's what makes a relationship last.

How to Highlight Your Best Qualities to Him

When you're into a guy, it's natural to want to put your best foot forward. But showcasing your best qualities isn't about bragging or putting on a front—it's about being authentically you and allowing your strengths to shine through naturally.

Start by knowing what makes you unique. Are you a great listener? Do you have a quirky sense of humor? Maybe you're passionate about something that really lights you up. Whatever it is, let those qualities come forward. Confidence in who you are is always more attractive than trying to mold yourself into someone you think he'll like.

Sometimes, it's about subtle cues. If you're compassionate, you can show this through small acts of kindness—not just to him but to others around you. If you're adventurous, suggest doing something fun together that reflects your spontaneous side. Letting your qualities show through actions makes them all the more genuine.

As Dale Carnegie once said, “Talk to someone about themselves and they'll listen for hours.” But don't just make it about him—show him who you are by simply being yourself and allowing your natural qualities to surface.

Reading the Signs He's Interested

It's not always easy to tell if a guy is interested, especially when some guys can be a bit reserved. But there are subtle signs to look out for that can give you a clue into how he's feeling.

One of the biggest indicators is consistency. If he's making an effort to spend time with you, initiating conversations, and following up after your hangouts, that's a strong sign he's into you. Actions speak louder than words in these situations—does he go out of his way to make plans with you or check in on how your day went? Consistency shows genuine interest.

Body language is another big one. When a guy likes you, he'll often lean in when you're talking, maintain eye contact, and mirror your gestures. These are subconscious ways of showing that he's tuned into you and the connection.

And let's not forget verbal cues. If he compliments you in ways that go beyond the surface (“You're really easy to talk to” vs. “You look nice today”), that's a sign he's seeing more than just your physical appearance—he's appreciating who you are as a person.

While these signs can be good indicators, every guy is different, and sometimes the best way to know is simply to ask. Communication is key in any relationship, and if you feel the connection growing, an honest conversation can clear up any doubts.

The Subtle Art of Being Patient

Patience isn't something that comes naturally when you're really into someone. You want to know how he feels, where things are going, and you want to know now. But the truth is, good things take time, and rushing the process can actually backfire. Mastering the subtle art of patience can be a game-changer in building a lasting connection.

Patience allows the relationship to develop at its own pace. It gives both of you the space to get to know each other without forcing anything too soon. When you allow things to unfold naturally, you avoid unnecessary pressure and create an environment where the guy can feel comfortable showing his interest in his own way.

One of the keys to patience is focusing on your life outside of the relationship. This goes back to maintaining independence—when you're not obsessively waiting for his text or analyzing every word he says, you can enjoy your life and feel more relaxed about the situation. As relationship coach Matthew Hussey says, “When you fill your life with things you love, you don't have time to wonder when someone is going to call.”

Patience also shows emotional maturity. It communicates that you're not in a rush, and that you're confident enough to let things develop naturally. Instead of pushing for answers or demanding certainty right away, you're signaling that you trust the process. That kind of calm confidence is incredibly attractive.

Recommended Resources

• The Dance of Intimacy by Dr. Harriet Lerner
• The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey
• Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab
• Daring Greatly by Brené Brown