7 Alarming Signs You're Desperate for Love (And How to Overcome Them)

Key Takeaways:

• Recognize the signs of desperate love.
• Understand why self-worth matters.
• Don't settle for less in love.
• Self-love is your true foundation.
• Avoid rushing into relationships.

The Pain of Desperation in Love

We've all been there, feeling that deep longing to be loved, to find someone who finally makes us feel whole. But sometimes, that desire can twist into something unhealthy—a desperation that drives us to make choices we wouldn't normally make. This kind of desperation in love can be consuming, leaving you feeling empty and more alone than ever.

Desperation isn't just an emotion; it's a trap. When you're desperate to love and be loved, you might find yourself compromising on your values, overlooking red flags, and clinging to relationships that aren't right for you. The pain of unfulfilled love is real, but the consequences of acting out of desperation can be even more devastating.

Let's explore the signs that you might be desperate in love and what you can do to regain control of your emotions and your life.

Moving Too Fast: When Love Feels Like a Race

It's exhilarating to meet someone new, especially when the chemistry is off the charts. But when things start to move at breakneck speed, it might be a sign that desperation is creeping in. You're rushing to the next step, constantly planning the future, and forgetting to enjoy the present. When love feels like a race, it's easy to lose sight of reality.

In her book "Attached," Dr. Amir Levine explains how anxious attachment can lead us to speed through relationships, often missing critical red flags along the way. The excitement of new love can blur the lines between genuine connection and a desperate need to secure affection. Slowing down not only gives you time to truly get to know the other person, but it also helps you stay grounded in your own needs and desires.

Remember, love is not a sprint. It's a journey meant to be savored, not rushed. By allowing the relationship to unfold naturally, you create a stronger, more authentic connection.

Being Overly Available: Why You Shouldn't Always Be There

In today's hyper-connected world, it's easy to be available at the drop of a hat. Whether it's replying to texts immediately, always being ready for a last-minute hangout, or constantly checking in, being overly available can send the wrong message. It might seem like you're showing how much you care, but in reality, it can come across as desperation. When you're always there, it can make you seem like you have nothing else going on in your life, which isn't attractive to anyone.

Relationships need a balance of give and take. If you're always on standby, you may be setting a precedent that your time isn't valuable, and that can lead to being taken for granted. It's important to create boundaries, not only to protect your own well-being but also to maintain the respect and interest of your partner. As Esther Perel writes in "Mating in Captivity," the space between you and your partner is where desire can grow. By not always being available, you allow room for anticipation and appreciation to build.

So, take a step back. Prioritize your own life, your interests, and your time. It's not about playing games; it's about respecting yourself and your partner enough to allow your relationship to breathe.

Playing Hard to Get: The Dangerous Game

The idea of playing hard to get has been around for ages, often seen as a way to increase your desirability by making yourself seem unattainable. However, this tactic can be a double-edged sword. While it might create initial intrigue, it can also lead to misunderstandings and unnecessary emotional games that could damage the potential for a genuine connection.

Playing hard to get can make the other person feel like they're being manipulated, which is never a good foundation for a relationship. Moreover, this approach often leads to a power struggle rather than an equal partnership. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, emphasizes the importance of honesty and clear communication in building lasting relationships. When you play hard to get, you're not being authentic, and that can set the stage for future trust issues.

Instead of resorting to this risky game, focus on being genuine and straightforward in your intentions. Authenticity is far more attractive than any game, and it's the key to building a relationship based on mutual respect and trust.

Downplaying Your Own Worth: The Cost of Self-Sacrifice

When you're desperate to be loved, it's easy to start downplaying your own worth. You might find yourself bending over backward to please someone else, putting their needs and desires above your own, and slowly sacrificing pieces of yourself in the process. This kind of self-sacrifice can be incredibly damaging, not just to your self-esteem, but to the relationship as well.

When you constantly put yourself last, you send a message to your partner that your needs don't matter. Over time, this can lead to resentment and a deep sense of unfulfillment. You deserve a relationship where both partners value and respect each other equally. Brené Brown, in her book "Daring Greatly," emphasizes the importance of vulnerability and self-worth in relationships. She argues that when we undervalue ourselves, we cannot fully engage in the relationship or bring our true selves to the table.

It's important to recognize your own worth and to ensure that you're not losing yourself in the process of trying to maintain a relationship. True love isn't about losing who you are; it's about growing together while remaining true to yourself.

Settling for Less: Why Desperation Lowers Your Standards

Desperation can make you settle for far less than you deserve. When you're so focused on not being alone, it's easy to overlook red flags or accept behavior that you would normally find unacceptable. You might convince yourself that something is better than nothing, but settling for less often leads to deeper dissatisfaction and unhappiness.

When you lower your standards out of fear or desperation, you're not just shortchanging yourself; you're also setting yourself up for a relationship that lacks true fulfillment. Over time, the cracks will start to show, and the resentment will build. You deserve to be with someone who respects, values, and cherishes you for who you are.

As Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo famously wrote in "He's Just Not That Into You," settling for less is never the answer. You're worth more than just a lukewarm relationship or a partner who doesn't truly appreciate you. It's better to be alone and work on yourself than to be in a relationship that drains you or makes you feel inadequate.

So, don't settle. Hold out for the love that you deserve, and remember that being single is far better than being in a relationship that makes you feel lonely or unloved.

Trying to Change for Someone: Losing Yourself in Love

It's natural to want to be your best self in a relationship, but there's a fine line between self-improvement and losing yourself entirely. When you find yourself changing fundamental aspects of who you are just to fit into someone else's idea of the perfect partner, you're treading dangerous waters. This isn't about growing together; it's about sacrificing your identity to appease someone else.

Trying to mold yourself into someone you're not can lead to a deep sense of disconnection from your true self. You might start to feel like you're living a lie, constantly putting on a facade to maintain the relationship. Over time, this can erode your self-esteem and lead to feelings of resentment—not just towards your partner, but towards yourself for not being true to who you are.

Dr. Harriet Lerner, in "The Dance of Intimacy," discusses how important it is to maintain your sense of self in any relationship. She argues that true intimacy requires both partners to be their authentic selves, not a watered-down version that fits someone else's expectations. If you're constantly changing to make someone else happy, you're not in a relationship; you're in a performance.

So, be yourself—unapologetically. The right person will love you for who you are, not for who they want you to be.

Avoiding Serious Conversations: Fear of Facing Reality

Serious conversations can be uncomfortable, especially when they touch on topics that might threaten the relationship. But avoiding these discussions out of fear can lead to bigger problems down the line. Whether it's talking about future plans, addressing issues in the relationship, or discussing your true feelings, these conversations are crucial for the health of any partnership.

When you avoid serious conversations, you're essentially burying your head in the sand. The issues don't go away; they just fester beneath the surface, growing larger and more complicated as time goes on. This avoidance can stem from a fear of confrontation or from not wanting to rock the boat, but It only delays the inevitable and can make the eventual fallout even worse.

Relationship expert Dr. Sue Johnson, in her book "Hold Me Tight," emphasizes the importance of open, honest communication in building secure, lasting relationships. She argues that avoiding difficult conversations prevents couples from truly understanding each other and building a strong emotional connection. It's in these moments of vulnerability that true intimacy is forged.

Don't let fear keep you from having the conversations that matter. Face reality head-on, and trust that your relationship is strong enough to handle it. It's through these discussions that you grow closer, not further apart.

Putting Up With Bad Behavior: When Desperation Clouds Judgment

Desperation in love can make you blind to the red flags that are waving right in front of you. You might find yourself tolerating behavior that you would never accept under normal circumstances—whether it's disrespect, manipulation, or outright abuse. When you're desperate to hold onto a relationship, you can convince yourself that these behaviors are just temporary, or worse, that you somehow deserve them.

Allowing bad behavior to slide not only harms your self-esteem but also reinforces the negative behavior of your partner. When you don't stand up for yourself, you're signaling that this treatment is acceptable, which can lead to a cycle of continued mistreatment. Over time, this can erode your sense of self-worth and make it even harder to leave the toxic relationship.

According to Dr. Lundy Bancroft in "Why Does He Do That?", staying in a relationship where you're constantly putting up with bad behavior can severely impact your mental health and emotional well-being. Bancroft stresses the importance of recognizing and addressing toxic patterns early on, rather than excusing them or hoping they will change on their own.

Don't let desperation cloud your judgment. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. If someone's behavior is hurting you, it's crucial to take a step back and reassess whether this relationship is truly serving your best interests.

Seeking Constant Reassurance: The Endless Need for Validation

When you're feeling insecure in a relationship, it's natural to seek reassurance from your partner. But when this need becomes constant, it can signal a deeper issue—a lack of self-confidence or a fear of being abandoned. The endless quest for validation can strain the relationship, making your partner feel overwhelmed and you feel even more anxious.

This constant need for reassurance often stems from a place of insecurity, where you're unsure of your own worth and rely on your partner to fill that void. However, no amount of external validation can replace the internal work needed to build your self-esteem. Over time, this behavior can push your partner away, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy where the relationship becomes strained or even ends.

As Nathaniel Branden discusses in "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem," true self-confidence comes from within. When you constantly seek reassurance from others, you're neglecting the inner work needed to build a solid foundation of self-worth. It's crucial to develop a sense of self that is independent of others' opinions or affirmations.

Instead of looking to your partner to validate your worth, focus on building your own self-esteem. Engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself, set personal goals, and celebrate your achievements. Remember, a healthy relationship is built on mutual respect and confidence, not on a one-sided need for constant validation.

Feeling Incomplete Without a Relationship: The Desperation Trap

It's a common belief that being in a relationship is the key to happiness and fulfillment. Society often reinforces the idea that you're not complete unless you have a partner, leading many to fall into the trap of desperation when single. The truth is, no one else can fill the void that only self-love can satisfy. When you place your worth in the hands of a relationship, you set yourself up for disappointment and a constant feeling of inadequacy.

This desperation to be in a relationship can lead you to stay in unhealthy situations or to rush into partnerships that aren't right for you. It's a cycle of seeking validation from others instead of finding it within yourself. The need to be coupled up can overshadow your own needs, desires, and, most importantly, your sense of identity.

As the psychologist Dr. Robin Norwood explains in "Women Who Love Too Much," this sense of incompleteness can drive you to prioritize relationships over your own well-being. Norwood emphasizes that true fulfillment comes from self-discovery and self-acceptance, not from another person. It's essential to understand that you are whole and complete on your own, and a relationship should complement, not complete, you.

Take the time to invest in yourself, explore your passions, and build a life that makes you happy independent of your relationship status. When you love yourself fully, you'll attract a relationship that adds to your happiness rather than one that you rely on to create it.

Conclusion: Finding Strength in Self-Love

The journey of navigating love and relationships is complex, especially when desperation clouds your judgment. But the key to overcoming desperation in love lies in self-love and self-respect. When you understand your own worth and value, you no longer feel the need to rush into relationships, settle for less, or lose yourself in the process.

Remember, a healthy relationship starts with a healthy you. By focusing on your own growth, setting boundaries, and staying true to yourself, you lay the foundation for a relationship that is built on mutual respect, love, and understanding. It's not about being perfect or having it all figured out; it's about being authentic and valuing yourself enough to wait for the love you truly deserve.

The most important relationship you'll ever have is the one with yourself. Cultivate self-love, embrace your individuality, and trust that the right relationship will come when the time is right. Desperation may push you toward something temporary, but self-love will guide you toward something lasting and meaningful.

Recommended Resources

• "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
• "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead" by Brené Brown
• "Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change" by Robin Norwood
• "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem" by Nathaniel Branden
• "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft