4 Alarming Signs She's Pretending to Love You (And What to Do)

Key Takeaways:

• Spot emotional distance and inconsistency
• Notice a lack of genuine affection
• Be aware of hidden agendas
• Communicate openly about your concerns
• Take steps to protect your heart

The Pain of Uncertainty

When you're in a relationship, few things are as gut-wrenching as the creeping feeling that something isn't right. You might find yourself questioning her love, wondering if her feelings are as genuine as yours. The uncertainty can be agonizing, leading you to replay every conversation, every moment, searching for clues. If you've ever found yourself in this position, you're not alone. We've all been there, stuck in the limbo of love, unsure if the person we care about truly feels the same way.

It's easy to dismiss these feelings as paranoia, but deep down, you know that something feels off. When love is real, it's unmistakable; when it's not, the signs are usually there, hidden in plain sight. Let's take a journey together through the signs that she might be pretending to love you, and what you can do if you find yourself in this heartbreaking situation.

Is She Really Into You? Recognizing the Red Flags

We all want to believe in the sincerity of our partner's feelings, but sometimes, the truth is hard to face. Maybe you've noticed little things that don't add up, or perhaps her behavior has been inconsistent. Recognizing the red flags can be challenging, especially when you're emotionally invested. However, acknowledging these signs is crucial to protecting yourself and understanding the reality of your relationship.

So, how can you tell if she's truly into you, or just going through the motions? The key is in the details—the small actions and behaviors that speak louder than words. Let's explore some of the most telling signs that she might be pretending to love you, starting with her moodiness and emotional distance.

She Acts Moody and Distant

One of the most telling signs that she might be pretending to love you is when her mood swings become more frequent, and she starts acting distant. One moment, she might seem somewhat engaged, but the next, she pulls away emotionally, leaving you feeling confused and hurt. This emotional rollercoaster can be exhausting and make you question your worth in the relationship.

When someone truly loves you, they naturally want to be close to you, emotionally and physically. But if she seems to drift away without any apparent reason, it could be a sign that her heart isn't in it. It's like trying to hold onto water—no matter how tight your grip, it slips away. This kind of behavior can leave you feeling insecure, constantly wondering what you did wrong or how you can fix things. The truth is, the issue might not be something you can control.

You're Always Chasing After Her

Do you feel like you're the one constantly putting in the effort to keep the relationship afloat? If you're always the one initiating contact, planning dates, and making compromises, it's a major red flag. Love should be a two-way street, where both partners are equally invested in each other's happiness and well-being. When you're the only one doing the chasing, it's easy to feel drained and unappreciated.

This dynamic creates an unhealthy power imbalance, where you're constantly seeking her approval and affection, while she remains aloof. It's as if you're running a race where the finish line keeps moving farther away. Over time, this relentless pursuit can wear you down, leaving you feeling more like an option than a priority. Remember, in a loving relationship, you shouldn't have to chase someone who wants to be with you.

Excuses, Excuses: Cancelled Plans

It's frustrating when you're looking forward to spending time with her, only to have your plans canceled at the last minute—again. She might give you a variety of excuses, from work commitments to feeling under the weather, but when it becomes a pattern, it's worth taking a closer look. Canceling plans occasionally is understandable; life happens. However, if she's consistently avoiding spending time with you, it could indicate that she's not as invested in the relationship as you are.

This behavior can leave you feeling disappointed and rejected, especially when you've gone out of your way to make the plans. It's as if she's stringing you along, keeping you at arm's length while you're left wondering if she truly cares. Over time, these repeated cancellations can erode the foundation of trust and intimacy, making you question whether she values your time and effort at all.

Lack of Interest in Your Conversations

Another red flag is when she seems disinterested in what you have to say. You might notice her zoning out, giving short, non-committal responses, or even changing the subject abruptly when you're talking. It's as though your words go in one ear and out the other, leaving you feeling unheard and unimportant.

In a healthy relationship, both partners should be genuinely interested in each other's thoughts, feelings, and experiences. If she's constantly tuning you out, it may be a sign that her heart isn't in the relationship. This lack of engagement can create a growing sense of loneliness and disconnection, making you feel like you're talking to a wall instead of sharing your life with someone who cares.

Conversations are the lifeblood of any relationship. They help build intimacy, understanding, and connection. When that communication is one-sided or met with indifference, it can leave you feeling isolated and questioning whether she truly values the bond you share.

No Compliments, No Validation

Compliments and validation are like the glue that holds a relationship together, reinforcing the bond between two people. When you genuinely care about someone, you naturally want to lift them up, making them feel special and appreciated. But what if she rarely, if ever, compliments you? If she doesn't acknowledge your strengths, your efforts, or your appearance, it can leave you feeling neglected and unimportant.

Over time, the absence of compliments can take a toll on your self-esteem. You might start doubting yourself, wondering if you're truly valued in her eyes. In a healthy relationship, both partners should feel secure and confident, supported by mutual admiration. If she's not offering that validation, it might be a sign that her feelings aren't as deep as yours.

Remember, love is expressed in many ways, and verbal affirmations are a significant part of that expression. If she's withholding these words of encouragement, it could be a sign that she's emotionally checked out, leaving you questioning the authenticity of her feelings.

She Only Says ‘I Love You' After You Do

Few words carry as much weight in a relationship as “I love you.” These three words signify commitment, affection, and a deep emotional connection. But what if you notice that she only says them in response to you? If you're always the one initiating these declarations of love, and she only echoes them back without genuine emotion, it's a sign that something might be off.

Love should be spontaneous, not scripted. When someone truly loves you, those words come naturally, without hesitation. If she's only saying “I love you” out of obligation or to avoid awkwardness, it can feel empty and forced, leaving you with an uneasy feeling.

This dynamic can create a power imbalance, where you're constantly seeking her approval and affection, while she's merely going through the motions. It's important to pay attention to how and when she says these words. Is there genuine warmth in her voice, or does it feel like she's just checking a box? The difference might reveal more than you realize about the true state of your relationship.

Avoiding Quality Time Together

Quality time is the heartbeat of a relationship. It's the moments you spend together, whether it's a quiet evening at home or an adventurous day out, that build memories and deepen your connection. But if she's consistently avoiding spending quality time with you, it's a red flag that shouldn't be ignored. You might notice that she's always too busy, tired, or simply uninterested in making plans that involve just the two of you.

This avoidance can make you feel like you're competing for her attention with everything else in her life—work, friends, even her phone. When someone loves you, they prioritize time with you because they genuinely enjoy your company. If she's frequently putting other things ahead of your time together, it could indicate that she doesn't value the relationship as much as you do.

Over time, this lack of quality time can create a rift between you, turning what was once a close relationship into a distant, almost transactional one. You deserve someone who is eager to share time and experiences with you, not someone who sees spending time together as an obligation or a chore.

Her Mind is a Mystery to You

One of the most disconcerting feelings in a relationship is realizing that you don't really know what's going on in your partner's mind. If she's emotionally distant and keeps her thoughts and feelings to herself, it can create a wall between you. You might find yourself guessing, overanalyzing her words and actions, trying to decipher what she's truly thinking.

When someone loves you, they naturally want to share their inner world with you—their dreams, fears, and everything in between. But if she's keeping you in the dark, it can feel like you're being shut out of her life. This lack of emotional transparency can leave you feeling isolated and disconnected, as if you're on the outside looking in.

It's important to communicate openly in a relationship, but if she's not willing to let you in, it's a sign that something is amiss. A healthy relationship thrives on mutual understanding and emotional intimacy. Without it, the relationship can feel more like a guessing game, leaving you constantly unsure of where you stand.

Obsessed with Her Ex

It's natural for people to have a past, and sometimes exes can come up in conversation. But when her ex seems to be a constant presence in your relationship—whether through frequent mentions, comparisons, or even lingering feelings—it's a major red flag. If she's obsessed with her ex, it could indicate that she's not fully over her previous relationship, and that unresolved emotions are spilling over into your current one.

You might find yourself feeling like you're in a competition with someone who's no longer in her life, yet somehow still very present in her mind. This can be incredibly frustrating and hurtful, making you question whether she's truly committed to you or if you're just a placeholder while she sorts out her feelings. It's hard to build a future with someone who's still entangled in their past.

In a healthy relationship, both partners should be focused on the present and the future, not dwelling on what's behind them. If she can't let go of her ex, it's a sign that she might not be ready to fully invest in your relationship, leaving you to wonder where you truly stand.

She Refuses to Make It Official

Commitment is a cornerstone of any serious relationship. When you're ready to take things to the next level—whether it's defining the relationship, moving in together, or even just acknowledging each other as partners—her refusal to make it official can be a glaring sign of hesitation. If she consistently avoids discussions about the future or making your relationship public, it might be because she's not as committed as you are.

This reluctance can leave you feeling like you're stuck in a relationship limbo, where things are never quite defined or secure. It's as if she's keeping one foot out the door, unwilling to fully step into the relationship. This can create feelings of insecurity and doubt, making you question whether she sees a future with you at all.

When someone loves you and is committed to you, they're eager to take those steps that solidify your bond. If she's dragging her feet, it's worth considering whether she's truly invested in the relationship, or if she's just not ready—or willing—to make that commitment.

Hiding Your Relationship from Others

When someone is genuinely in love, they want to share their happiness with the world. But if she's making a conscious effort to keep your relationship under wraps—whether it's by avoiding public displays of affection, not introducing you to her friends and family, or even denying the relationship on social media—it's a clear indication that something's not right. It feels as though she's compartmentalizing your relationship, keeping it separate from the rest of her life, and that can be incredibly painful.

Being kept a secret can make you feel like you're not important enough to be acknowledged. It raises questions: Is she ashamed of the relationship? Is she hiding you because she's not sure about her feelings? Or worse, is she seeing someone else? These doubts can eat away at your self-esteem and trust in the relationship.

In a healthy, loving relationship, both partners should feel proud and excited to share their bond with others. If she's hiding you from the people in her life, it might be time to confront the issue head-on and figure out what's really going on.

Secrets and Lies: What's She Hiding?

Honesty and transparency are the bedrock of any strong relationship. But if you catch her in lies or notice that she's being secretive, it's a serious cause for concern. Secrets and lies can erode trust faster than almost anything else, and once trust is broken, it's incredibly hard to rebuild.

Maybe she's hiding her phone from you, avoiding certain topics, or giving you vague answers when you ask direct questions. These behaviors can leave you feeling suspicious and on edge, constantly wondering what she's hiding and why. It's a slippery slope that can lead to paranoia and constant anxiety, as you try to piece together the truth on your own.

When someone truly loves you, they have nothing to hide. They're open about their thoughts, feelings, and actions because they want you to be a part of their life in every way. If she's keeping secrets, it's not just a red flag—it's a flashing neon sign that something is deeply wrong. Don't ignore it. Address it directly, and if she's unwilling to be honest, it might be time to rethink the relationship.

Dodging the Future: No Plans Ahead

When you're in love, the future is something you look forward to with excitement. You start making plans together, whether it's a weekend getaway, a shared apartment, or even just talking about where you see yourselves in a few years. But if she's consistently avoiding these conversations, brushing off any talk about the future, or giving vague answers, it's a sign that she might not see you as part of her long-term plans.

This avoidance can be frustrating and disheartening. It leaves you feeling like you're stuck in a perpetual “now,” where the relationship never seems to progress or evolve. It's as if she's comfortable with the status quo but isn't willing to invest in a shared future with you. Over time, this can create a sense of instability and insecurity, as you're left wondering whether she's truly committed to the relationship or just passing the time.

In a healthy relationship, both partners should be eager to build a future together. If she's dodging these discussions, it's important to address your concerns and find out where she really stands.

Hot and Cold Behavior

One day she's all over you, showering you with affection and attention, and the next, she's distant, cold, and almost unrecognizable. This hot and cold behavior can be incredibly confusing and emotionally draining. It's as though you're constantly walking on eggshells, never sure which version of her you're going to get. This inconsistency can leave you feeling off-balance, constantly questioning your place in her life.

Hot and cold behavior is often a sign of ambivalence—she might not be sure about her feelings for you, or she could be struggling with her own emotions. Unfortunately, this push-pull dynamic can take a toll on your emotional well-being, leaving you feeling insecure and unsure of where you stand in the relationship.

In a loving relationship, consistency is key. You should feel secure and confident in your partner's feelings, not like you're on an emotional rollercoaster. If she's sending mixed signals, it's time to have an honest conversation about what's really going on. You deserve clarity and stability, not a relationship that keeps you guessing.

Breakup Threats Over Small Arguments

Arguments are a natural part of any relationship, but when she constantly threatens to break up over every minor disagreement, it's a red flag that something deeper is at play. These threats can feel like a sword hanging over your head, turning every small conflict into a potential end to the relationship. This behavior can be manipulative, making you feel like you have to walk on eggshells to avoid triggering a breakup.

When someone truly cares about the relationship, they work through conflicts with the intention of resolving them, not ending things at the first sign of trouble. Breakup threats over small arguments can create a toxic environment where you feel constantly on edge, worried that one wrong move could spell the end. It's a form of emotional blackmail that can leave you feeling powerless and insecure.

If she's using these threats as a way to control the relationship or to get her way, it's important to recognize this behavior for what it is—unhealthy and unfair. A strong relationship is built on mutual respect and the ability to work through differences, not on fear and ultimatums.

Only Reaches Out When She Needs Something

Does she only seem to call or text when she needs a favor, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to bail her out of a tough situation? If you notice that she's only reaching out when she needs something, it's a clear sign that she's not as invested in you as you are in her. This kind of behavior can make you feel like you're being used, rather than valued as a partner.

In a healthy relationship, communication should be frequent and genuine, not just transactional. When someone loves you, they reach out because they want to share their life with you—not just because they need something. If her interactions with you are primarily about what you can do for her, it's worth considering whether she's truly interested in you as a person, or if she's simply taking advantage of your kindness.

This pattern can leave you feeling drained and unappreciated, as if your only value in the relationship is what you can provide. It's important to set boundaries and ensure that your needs are being met as well. Love should be about mutual support and care, not one-sided demands.

Attention Only When Bored or Lonely

Does she only seem to give you attention when she's bored, lonely, or when there's nothing else going on in her life? If you notice that she's only interested in spending time with you when she has no other options, it's a strong indicator that her feelings might not be as deep as you'd hope. This behavior can make you feel like you're just a convenient distraction, rather than someone she genuinely cares about.

When someone loves you, they seek you out because they enjoy your company and value your relationship—not just because they need to fill a void. If her attention feels conditional, based on whether she has something better to do, it's a sign that she may not be as committed to the relationship as you are. This can lead to feelings of resentment and hurt, as you're left wondering why she only turns to you when it suits her.

It's important to recognize when your needs aren't being met and to communicate openly about how this behavior makes you feel. You deserve someone who values you for who you are, not just for what you can provide when they're feeling lonely.

Flirting with Other Guys

Few things can be more painful in a relationship than seeing your partner flirt with other people. If she's openly flirting with other guys, whether it's in front of you or behind your back, it's a serious red flag that should not be ignored. Flirting with others while in a committed relationship shows a lack of respect and can indicate that she's not fully invested in you.

This behavior can leave you feeling insecure, betrayed, and wondering why she needs validation from others if she's supposed to be committed to you. It's natural to feel a range of emotions, from anger to sadness, when you see someone you care about giving attention to others in a way that should be reserved for you.

Flirting with other guys can also suggest that she's keeping her options open or that she's not fully satisfied with the relationship. In any case, it's a behavior that needs to be addressed immediately. You deserve a partner who is loyal, respectful, and focused on building a strong connection with you—not someone who plays games with your heart.

Expecting You to Pay for Everything

In any relationship, financial responsibility should be shared, or at the very least, balanced in a way that both partners feel comfortable with. If she expects you to pay for everything—whether it's meals, outings, or even her personal expenses—it can create a significant imbalance in the relationship. This expectation can leave you feeling like your value is tied to your wallet rather than who you are as a person.

When someone truly loves and respects you, they'll want to contribute equally, or at least recognize the effort you're putting into the relationship. Constantly footing the bill can lead to feelings of being used or taken for granted, especially if there's no appreciation or reciprocation from her side. It's not just about the money—it's about the principle of mutual respect and partnership.

If you find yourself in a situation where you're always expected to pay, it's important to have an open conversation about your concerns. A relationship should be a partnership of equals, not one where one person feels obligated to carry the financial burden alone.

Talking Down to You: Undermining Your Confidence

Respect is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. If she frequently talks down to you, belittles your opinions, or makes you feel less than, it's a clear sign that something is seriously wrong. This kind of behavior can chip away at your self-esteem over time, leaving you questioning your worth and abilities. It's a subtle form of emotional abuse that can have long-lasting effects on your confidence and well-being.

When someone loves you, they build you up, support your dreams, and respect your viewpoints—even when they disagree. If she's constantly undermining your confidence, it's not just disrespectful; it's toxic. You deserve to be with someone who values your thoughts and treats you as an equal, not someone who tries to control you by making you feel small.

It's important to recognize these behaviors for what they are and to stand up for yourself. No one should have to endure a relationship where they're made to feel inferior or unworthy. You deserve a partner who uplifts you, not one who drags you down.

What Should You Do If She's Pretending? (4 Steps)

Realizing that she might be pretending to love you can be devastating, but it's important to take action rather than letting the situation fester. Here are four steps you can take to address this difficult situation and protect your emotional well-being.

Every relationship is unique, and so are the challenges it presents. Talking to a trusted friend, family member, or even a therapist can provide you with perspective and guidance tailored to your situation. They can help you see things more clearly and offer support as you navigate this difficult time.

Open and honest communication is crucial in any relationship. If you suspect she's pretending to love you, it's essential to have a candid conversation about your feelings and concerns. Be direct but compassionate, and give her the space to share her side as well. It's possible that there are issues you weren't aware of that need to be addressed.

If she's been taking advantage of your kindness or treating you with disrespect, it's time to set clear boundaries. Let her know what behaviors are unacceptable and what you need from the relationship moving forward. Setting boundaries is not about controlling the other person; it's about protecting your emotional health and ensuring that your needs are met.

Whether the relationship continues or ends, it's vital to focus on your self-esteem and confidence. Engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself, surround yourself with supportive people, and remember that your worth is not dependent on anyone else's approval. By strengthening your confidence, you'll be better equipped to handle whatever comes next.

1. Get Advice Specific to Your Situation
2. Talk to Her About How You Feel
3. Set Some Boundaries
4. Strengthen Your Confidence

Recommended Resources

• "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
• "The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts" by Gary Chapman
• "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend