21 Signs You're Dealing with a Selfish Partner (And How to Fix It!)

Key Takeaways:

Selfishness can harm relationships deeply.
Emotional exhaustion is a key sign.
Communication breaks down over time.
Setting boundaries helps regain balance.
Addressing selfishness early prevents resentment.

What Does a Selfish Partner Mean?

Selfishness in a relationship doesn't always scream loudly—it often creeps in quietly, stealing joy, trust, and connection before you even realize what's happening. A selfish partner is someone who places their needs, desires, and comfort above yours, consistently and without regard. It isn't just about wanting attention or occasional self-prioritization—it's a pattern of behavior that leaves you feeling like an accessory to their life, not a partner.

When we talk about selfishness, we mean more than just a refusal to share the remote or pick the movie. It's about emotional selfishness—the kind that erodes empathy and leaves the other person emotionally drained. It can show up as neglect, lack of effort in resolving conflicts, or dismissing your feelings in favor of their own convenience. The biggest red flag? You're often left wondering, “Do they even care how I feel?”

Is Selfishness a Red Flag in Relationships?

Absolutely, selfishness is a significant red flag in any relationship. It signals an imbalance in the emotional give-and-take that's necessary for a healthy partnership. Relationships thrive on mutual respect, understanding, and a willingness to compromise. When one person consistently takes without giving, it's not just unfair—it's toxic.

According to clinical psychologist Dr. Leon Seltzer, “Self-centeredness undermines the very essence of what it means to connect with another person on a meaningful level.” This behavior often leads to emotional exhaustion, frustration, and, over time, deep resentment. The more your needs go unmet, the more the relationship suffers, creating a cycle that's difficult to break without intervention.

If your partner is unwilling or unable to recognize their selfishness, it's a clear sign that the relationship may not be sustainable long-term. The truth is, unchecked selfishness leads to a breakdown in communication, trust, and intimacy, leaving little room for growth or happiness.

How Being With a Selfish Partner Affects You

When you're in a relationship with a selfish partner, the emotional toll is undeniable. You find yourself constantly drained, not just physically but mentally and emotionally. It's exhausting to give so much, only to receive very little in return. Over time, you might start feeling invisible, like your needs and feelings no longer matter in the relationship.

Being with someone who prioritizes their own desires can lead to a breakdown in your self-esteem. You may begin to question your worth, wondering why your partner seems to care so little about your happiness. It's common for those in selfish relationships to feel a creeping sense of isolation, even when physically close to their partner. This emotional disconnect only deepens as trust erodes.

If left unchecked, the relationship turns into a one-sided struggle. It's a place where love and support are replaced with frustration and resentment. We often see this pattern manifest in emotional exhaustion, communication breakdown, and diminished self-esteem—all signs of a relationship teetering on the edge.

21 Signs of a Selfish Partner You Shouldn't Ignore

Selfishness often hides in the little things—the small daily moments where one person prioritizes themselves at the expense of their partner. Spotting these red flags early can save you from the emotional toll later. Let's break down 21 telltale signs of a selfish partner:

They prioritize your achievements over you.
“Me” is always more important than “We.”
They control decision-making in the relationship.
They rarely ask how your day went.
They belittle or overshadow your accomplishments.
They frequently interrupt you when you're talking.
They expect you to beg for their attention or affection.
They take everything until you're left with nothing.
They dictate when and how the relationship progresses.
They dismiss your needs as insignificant or trivial.
They refuse to compromise on things that matter to you.
They don't show interest in your thoughts or opinions.
They get defensive whenever you bring up your concerns.
They take credit for your ideas or successes.
They often fail to reciprocate emotional or physical intimacy.
They view the relationship as a competition rather than a partnership.
They guilt-trip you into making sacrifices.
They constantly make excuses for not being available.
They withhold affection or attention to punish you.
They gaslight you into believing you're overly sensitive.
They make you feel unworthy of love and attention.

If any of these behaviors sound familiar, it's time to reassess the balance in your relationship. No one should feel like they're fighting alone to make things work.

How to Handle Selfishness in Relationships

Tackling selfishness in a relationship can feel like an uphill battle, but it doesn't have to be. The key is to approach the issue with a blend of empathy and firmness. Start by addressing the behavior directly—clear communication is crucial here. Sometimes, selfish partners don't even realize the extent of their actions, so having an honest conversation about how their behavior affects you can be a wake-up call.

Beyond communication, setting practical boundaries is essential. A selfish partner may try to push limits, but it's up to you to stand firm in what is and isn't acceptable. According to therapist Dr. Sharon Martin, “Boundaries are not about controlling others; they're about protecting your emotional well-being.” In other words, they help prevent you from becoming emotionally depleted.

Empathy is also a powerful tool. Encourage your partner to see things from your perspective. While not all selfish behaviors are intentional, it's important for them to understand that relationships require mutual care. If all else fails, consider seeking professional help. Therapy can be a game changer for couples stuck in toxic patterns, offering a neutral space for honest dialogue and growth.

Emotional Exhaustion in a Selfish Relationship

Emotional exhaustion is one of the most devastating effects of being in a selfish relationship. It's that constant feeling of giving everything you have, only to be left empty. Day by day, it chips away at your mental health and overall well-being. You might start to feel as if you're carrying the emotional weight of the relationship alone, and that burden can quickly become overwhelming.

In selfish relationships, the energy exchange is never balanced. You might find yourself doing the emotional labor—being the one to resolve conflicts, offer support, and maintain the relationship—while your partner remains largely uninvolved. Over time, this imbalance drains your mental resources. The emotional exhaustion isn't just tiring; it's debilitating.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Guy Winch highlights this in his book “Emotional First Aid,” where he discusses how relationships that lack reciprocity can lead to emotional burnout. He writes, “When one person consistently gives while the other only takes, the giver will eventually run out of emotional energy.” If you feel more exhausted than fulfilled in your relationship, it may be time to rethink the dynamic.

Communication Breakdown

When you're dealing with a selfish partner, communication often starts to crumble. What was once open dialogue now feels like you're talking to a brick wall. You bring up your concerns, but your partner brushes them off, changes the subject, or, worse, turns the conversation around to focus on themselves. This kind of one-sided communication can leave you feeling frustrated and unheard.

Over time, these breakdowns in communication lead to a lack of connection. It's not just about words anymore; it's about the loss of mutual understanding. Healthy relationships thrive on clear, respectful communication, but selfishness undermines this entirely. You might even start avoiding tough conversations altogether because deep down, you know they'll never be truly addressed.

As psychologist Dr. John Gottman famously said, “The love you take is equal to the love you make.” In selfish relationships, though, that balance is lost. You're giving emotionally, but the return is nonexistent, leaving you feeling distant, both emotionally and physically. If you can't communicate effectively, the relationship is doomed to remain stuck in a cycle of frustration.

Diminished Self-Esteem Due to a Selfish Partner

One of the most painful consequences of being with a selfish partner is how it slowly chips away at your self-esteem. Initially, you may not even notice it happening. You excuse their behavior, rationalizing that everyone has flaws or bad days. But over time, their constant disregard for your needs sends a clear message: You don't matter as much.

Selfish partners often prioritize their desires so heavily that your sense of self-worth begins to erode. It's subtle at first. Maybe you stop voicing your opinions as much, or you feel guilty for even having needs. As this continues, you start internalizing the idea that you're not deserving of the same respect, care, or attention. It's a slow process, but eventually, you may barely recognize the confident person you once were.

Dr. Kristin Neff, an expert in self-compassion, emphasizes that “when we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.” This lack of boundaries can make you feel powerless in the relationship, and as a result, your self-esteem plummets. If you find yourself doubting your worth more often than not, it's time to evaluate whether your partner's selfishness is contributing to this inner dialogue.

Erosion of Trust

Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship, and selfishness can erode it faster than you might think. When your partner consistently puts themselves first, it sends a message: you can't rely on them. Whether it's ignoring your emotional needs, disregarding your time, or failing to follow through on promises, every selfish act chips away at the trust you once had.

At first, it might seem like minor annoyances—forgetting to help with something important or failing to show up when you need support. But over time, these small betrayals add up, leaving you questioning your partner's commitment to the relationship. Can you trust someone who never prioritizes your needs? Can you believe in a future together when they can't even meet you halfway?

As relationship expert Esther Perel explains, “Trust is built in very small moments.” In selfish relationships, those small moments of trust-building are rare, if not entirely absent. You're left feeling like the foundation of the relationship is shaky at best, and once trust is lost, rebuilding it takes more than just good intentions—it takes consistent action and care, something a selfish partner is often unwilling to give.

Growing Resentment and Emotional Distance

Resentment is a natural byproduct of selfishness in relationships. It starts as a tiny seed, planted every time your partner dismisses your feelings, neglects your needs, or prioritizes themselves over the relationship. With time, that seed grows, and before you know it, resentment becomes a constant presence in your interactions.

As resentment builds, so does emotional distance. It's hard to stay close to someone who constantly makes you feel less important. You might find yourself pulling away—emotionally, physically, and mentally—because being vulnerable with someone who doesn't value you feels too risky. This growing emotional distance only worsens the relationship dynamic, creating a vicious cycle of unmet needs and unresolved issues.

As the distance grows, it's easy to feel more like roommates than romantic partners. You might still be physically present, but the emotional connection that once bound you together has frayed. Without addressing the core issue—selfishness—this emotional gap will continue to widen, eventually leaving you feeling isolated within your own relationship.

How to Deal With a Selfish Partner: 7 Effective Ways

Navigating a relationship with a selfish partner can be tough, but there are effective ways to address the behavior and create healthier dynamics. Change won't happen overnight, but by taking intentional steps, you can improve communication, set boundaries, and find a balance that works for both of you.

The first step is to communicate genuinely about how their selfishness impacts you. From there, setting boundaries becomes crucial. Encourage empathy, not just as a momentary fix, but as a long-term practice. You also need to take care of yourself emotionally, which is often overlooked when you're focused on fixing the relationship. In some cases, seeking professional help can be incredibly effective, whether through individual therapy or couples counseling.

And while it may be difficult, you have to prepare yourself for tough decisions. If your partner refuses to change or acknowledge their behavior, it's important to consider whether the relationship is still serving you. Modeling the behavior you want to see can often inspire your partner to follow suit—but only if they're willing to grow alongside you.

Communicate Genuinely

Genuine communication is the foundation for any positive change in a relationship. If you don't express how your partner's selfishness is affecting you, they may never realize the damage it's causing. But here's the thing—communication is more than just talking. It's about being honest, direct, and vulnerable, even when it feels uncomfortable.

Start by addressing the behavior without blaming or attacking. Use “I” statements, such as “I feel unheard when my needs are consistently overlooked,” instead of “You never listen to me.” This approach reduces defensiveness and keeps the conversation focused on resolving the issue rather than escalating conflict.

Remember, genuine communication also means being willing to listen. It's not just about airing your grievances; it's about understanding why your partner behaves the way they do and working together to find a solution. Without honest communication, there's no hope for change. If they dismiss your feelings, it's a sign that the relationship may not be salvageable, no matter how many conversations you have.

Set Practical Boundaries

Setting boundaries in a relationship isn't about pushing your partner away—it's about protecting your emotional health and ensuring that both of your needs are being met. When selfishness is involved, boundaries become even more critical because they help create a clear line between what's acceptable and what's not.

A practical boundary might look like setting limits on how much emotional labor you're willing to take on. If your partner constantly expects you to handle their emotions while neglecting yours, it's time to say, “I can't be your only emotional outlet. We both need to share this responsibility.”

Boundaries don't have to be harsh or rigid, but they do need to be firm. When you clearly communicate what you will and won't tolerate, you're empowering yourself to avoid further emotional harm. Boundaries are non-negotiable, and if your partner continually oversteps them, that's a major red flag for deeper issues in the relationship.

Encourage Empathy

Empathy is the antidote to selfishness. If your partner is willing to develop or deepen their sense of empathy, the relationship stands a far better chance of improving. But this doesn't happen magically—it takes intentional effort. Encourage your partner to see things from your perspective, to truly understand how their behavior affects you.

Start small. When conflicts arise, ask them to put themselves in your shoes. For example, if they dismiss your feelings about a particular issue, gently say, “How would you feel if I dismissed something important to you?” These small exercises can gradually shift their thinking from self-centered to more relationship-centered.

Empathy is about connection. The more your partner can emotionally connect with your experiences, the less likely they are to act in ways that hurt you. As Brene Brown, a leading researcher on empathy, says, “Empathy is feeling with people.” When your partner learns to feel with you, selfish tendencies can start to dissolve.

Adopt Self-Care Practices

When dealing with a selfish partner, it's easy to become so focused on fixing the relationship that you forget to take care of yourself. But neglecting your own well-being only leads to burnout, resentment, and even deeper emotional exhaustion. That's why adopting self-care practices is crucial—not just for surviving the relationship, but for thriving as an individual.

Self-care can be as simple as carving out time for yourself each day, whether it's through journaling, exercising, or engaging in hobbies that make you feel fulfilled. It's about recognizing that you matter, that your needs deserve attention too. When you prioritize self-care, you're more equipped to handle the emotional ups and downs that come with being in a relationship with a selfish partner.

In her book "Radical Self-Care," Dr. Pooja Lakshmin explains, “Self-care isn't about bubble baths; it's about setting boundaries, making time for yourself, and cultivating your own inner strength.” By nurturing your mental, emotional, and physical health, you're ensuring that you remain whole, even if the relationship continues to feel fractured.

Professional Help Can Make a Difference

Sometimes, no matter how much you communicate or set boundaries, the selfish behavior persists. That's when professional help becomes essential. A therapist can offer an unbiased perspective, help uncover underlying issues, and guide both of you toward healthier relationship dynamics. Professional help doesn't mean the relationship is doomed; in fact, it's often a sign that you're committed to making it work.

Couples therapy can be especially effective when selfishness has become ingrained in the relationship. Therapists create a safe space where both partners can express their feelings without fear of judgment. They also teach valuable skills like empathy-building and effective communication, which are vital for overcoming selfish tendencies.

If your partner is resistant to therapy, individual counseling is still an option. Working with a therapist on your own can give you clarity, support, and tools to better navigate the challenges you're facing. Sometimes, professional help is the lifeline that helps you decide whether the relationship can change or if it's time to move on.

Be Prepared to Make Tough Decisions

No one wants to be faced with the decision of whether or not to stay in a relationship. But when you're dealing with a selfish partner who refuses to change, tough decisions are inevitable. Sometimes, love isn't enough to make a relationship work. If your partner continues to put themselves first, disregarding your emotional needs and boundaries, it may be time to seriously consider whether the relationship is worth holding onto.

It's hard, we know. Walking away from someone you care about can feel like giving up, but in reality, choosing yourself isn't giving up—it's an act of self-respect. You deserve to be in a relationship where both partners contribute equally, where your needs are just as important as theirs. If that balance doesn't exist, it's time to ask yourself: Is this relationship bringing you joy or draining your energy?

Author and relationship coach Mark Manson puts it bluntly: “At some point, you have to stop following your heart and start following your mind.” This means recognizing when a relationship is causing more harm than good and having the courage to make the necessary decisions, even when they're difficult.

Model the Behavior You Want to See

One of the most effective ways to inspire change in a relationship is by modeling the behavior you want to see. If you want your partner to be more empathetic, start by showing empathy. If you want more communication, practice open and honest dialogue yourself. Sometimes, people learn best by example, and your partner may not even realize how their selfishness is affecting you until they see the alternative.

This doesn't mean you should become a doormat, always catering to your partner's needs while sacrificing your own. Instead, it's about leading with kindness, patience, and assertiveness. Show them what a healthy relationship looks like. By setting the standard for respect, empathy, and communication, you're encouraging them to rise to that level.

However, it's important to remember that modeling behavior has its limits. If your partner continues to disregard your efforts and refuses to change, it's not your responsibility to carry the relationship alone. As therapist Dr. Julie Gottman says, “Healthy relationships are built on reciprocity.” If there's no willingness on their part to meet you halfway, then all your efforts may be in vain.

Turning the Tide in a Selfish Relationship

Changing the course of a selfish relationship is possible, but it requires effort from both partners. The key lies in open communication, a willingness to change, and a renewed focus on empathy. It's not just about pointing out where things have gone wrong—it's about creating a shared vision for the relationship and working toward it together.

Start by setting clear goals. What do both of you want out of this relationship? Is there an understanding of what's needed to move forward? Once you've laid out those expectations, it's important to stay consistent. Progress may be slow, and there will likely be setbacks, but as long as both partners are committed, change can happen.

Turning the tide also means addressing past hurts and rebuilding trust. If selfish behavior has caused emotional wounds, take the time to heal them together. You can't build a healthy future without acknowledging the damage that's been done. With mutual effort, patience, and love, the relationship can transform into something much stronger than it ever was before.

Why Do Some People Act Selfishly in Relationships?

Selfishness in relationships isn't always intentional. For many, it's rooted in deeper emotional issues or past experiences that shape how they approach intimacy and connection. Some people act selfishly because they've never learned how to be truly vulnerable, while others might have grown up in environments where their needs were constantly put first, making them unaware of how to balance a relationship.

According to psychologist Dr. Harriet Lerner, “Selfishness can be a defense mechanism, an attempt to protect oneself from being hurt or disappointed.” When someone is afraid of being emotionally vulnerable, they may focus on their own needs as a way of shielding themselves. This can be especially true for people who've experienced betrayal or abandonment in previous relationships.

Additionally, selfishness may stem from an inflated sense of entitlement or lack of emotional intelligence. In some cases, partners may not understand how their actions impact those around them because they've never been taught to consider another person's perspective. Understanding the root of this behavior is crucial to addressing it. Once you know where it's coming from, you're in a better position to encourage growth and change.

What Are the Long-Term Effects of Selfishness in a Relationship?

The long-term effects of selfishness in a relationship can be devastating. Over time, the emotional imbalance creates deep fractures in trust, intimacy, and communication. You may find yourself feeling perpetually unfulfilled, emotionally distant, or worse—resentful. Resentment is one of the most toxic byproducts of selfishness, and once it takes root, it's incredibly difficult to reverse.

Relationships marked by selfishness often lead to chronic emotional exhaustion. You give and give, only to feel like your partner is taking more and more, leaving you drained. Over time, this can lead to feelings of hopelessness, where you're simply going through the motions but no longer feel connected to your partner or the relationship itself.

Another long-term effect is a significant loss of self-esteem. Constantly being placed in a position where your needs are ignored or belittled can erode your sense of self-worth. You might start doubting your own value, feeling as though you're undeserving of love or attention. This kind of emotional damage can be difficult to heal from, even if the relationship ends.

Can You Change a Selfish Partner?

Changing a selfish partner is possible, but it requires effort from both sides. The truth is, no one changes unless they want to. If your partner is unwilling to acknowledge their selfish behavior or refuses to take steps toward improvement, the chances of meaningful change are slim. However, if they're open to self-reflection and growth, transformation can happen.

Start by having an honest conversation about how their selfishness affects the relationship. Be specific—don't just say, “You're being selfish.” Instead, highlight concrete examples, like “When you don't listen to my concerns, it makes me feel like my feelings don't matter.” This approach fosters understanding rather than defensiveness.

Change also requires empathy. Encourage your partner to see things from your perspective and engage in small, actionable steps toward being more considerate. Change won't happen overnight, but with patience and effort, your partner can develop better habits of emotional reciprocity. That said, if you're the only one putting in the effort, it might be time to evaluate whether the relationship is truly worth saving.

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