18 Surprising Signs His Love Isn't Real (Are You Sure?)

Key Takeaways:

Real love involves deep emotional safety
Fake love often lacks future plans
Secret relationships are major red flags
Real love grows with time and trust
Affection should never feel transactional

What does true love actually feel like?

True love feels like a warm embrace even when you're miles apart. It's not just about the highs of passion but about the quiet, steady moments where you feel grounded and secure. When you're in a real relationship, you experience a deep sense of comfort. It feels like coming home to someone who genuinely sees you for who you are. Psychologist Erich Fromm once said, “Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.” This perfectly captures the idea that love isn't just a feeling but a consistent, ongoing effort that makes you feel valued.

But let's be honest—true love isn't always fireworks. There are days where it feels mundane or even challenging. Yet, despite the struggles, there's always that underlying respect and commitment that keeps pulling you both back to each other. True love involves choosing each other over and over, no matter what life throws your way. If you're asking yourself, "Is this love real?", start by noticing how grounded and safe you feel when you're with them. Do they make you feel understood? That's where love begins to shine through.

Why does real love make us feel safe?

When love is real, it creates a haven—a psychological space where you can be vulnerable without fear of judgment. This emotional security is what makes real love so powerful. You feel safe enough to show your flaws, your quirks, and your fears because you trust that the other person won't use them against you. According to attachment theory, real love mimics the emotional security a child feels when they know a caregiver is consistently there for them. This translates into adult relationships where your partner becomes a secure base from which you can confidently explore the world.

In contrast, fake love often feels shaky. It's filled with doubts, insecurities, and constant questioning. You might be wondering, “Do they really care?” or “Are they going to leave me?” If love is real, you don't question their presence—they show up for you when you need them the most. It's a feeling of having someone in your corner, even when times are tough. That's why love is more than passion or chemistry—it's about feeling grounded, safe, and truly seen.

How can we know if his love is not real?

It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking someone's love is real, especially when you want it to be. But how can you know if his love isn't as genuine as it seems? One of the most telling signs is inconsistency. If his actions don't align with his words, that's a red flag. For example, he might say he loves you, but his behavior reflects something different—like constantly making excuses for why he can't spend time with you or never showing up when you need him.

Another sign is how he responds to conflict. Does he communicate and try to work things out, or does he disappear until the problem blows over? Real love requires effort, especially during tough times. If he's quick to shut down conversations or dismisses your concerns, you're likely not experiencing genuine love. A psychologist, Dr. John Gottman, emphasizes that, “The masters of relationships are open to each other's emotions and views, even when they are negative.” When that openness is missing, it's a strong indicator that the love may not be real.

The role of communication in genuine love

Communication is the backbone of any real relationship. Without it, misunderstandings and assumptions breed resentment and distance. When love is genuine, both partners feel safe to express their feelings—good or bad—because they know the other person will listen. Communication isn't just about talking; it's about listening with the intent to understand, not just to respond.

In a healthy, loving relationship, communication flows naturally. You both take the time to check in with each other, to see how things are going, and to make sure you're on the same page about important aspects of your lives. When there's a disconnect, real love leans into conversation rather than avoiding it. It's about creating a space where both partners can feel heard and supported. Without that, love struggles to thrive.

18 clear signs his love is not real

Sometimes, it's not easy to admit when love isn't real. But ignoring the signs can lead to prolonged emotional pain. Here are 18 clear signs that might indicate his love is not genuine. Pay attention, because these signs tend to repeat in relationships that lack authenticity.

He prefers a secret relationship — If he's always keeping your relationship under wraps, it's a huge red flag. Love that's real doesn't need to be hidden.
He doesn't prioritize you most of the time — Does he constantly cancel plans or make you feel like an afterthought? If you're not a priority in his life, then his feelings might not be as strong as you hoped.
He doesn't inform you before making vital decisions — A lack of communication about important decisions signals that he's not serious about your future together. Real love means including each other in big life choices.
You don't know where you stand in his life — If you're constantly guessing where you fit into his life, this uncertainty could be a sign of emotional distance or lack of commitment.
He always claims to be busy — Being perpetually "too busy" is often an excuse to avoid emotional investment. Genuine love finds time for connection.
He avoids discussing the future — Future plans are key to a stable relationship. If he sidesteps conversations about where things are going, his love may not be long-lasting.
He doesn't value your opinions — Does he brush off your thoughts or feelings? Real love respects and values your input in the relationship.
He doesn't listen properly during conversations — If you feel like he's never truly paying attention when you speak, that lack of presence speaks volumes about his emotional investment.
He becomes affectionate when he needs something — Love that only shows up when he wants something from you isn't love; it's manipulation.
Your loved ones don't support the relationship — Sometimes, those closest to us can see things we can't. If your friends or family are concerned about him, take a closer look at his behavior.
He doesn't want you to meet his loved ones — Keeping you away from his inner circle might indicate that he's not serious about your relationship.
He keeps things from you — Secrecy erodes trust, which is essential in love. If you catch him hiding things from you, that's a glaring warning sign.
He loves to blame you — Shifting the blame onto you in every argument is a toxic trait. Real love takes accountability, not finger-pointing.
He doesn't want the both of you to grow together — A partner who discourages growth or change likely isn't in it for the long haul. Love is about evolving as individuals and as a couple.
He doesn't remember your special events — Missing important dates or milestones can indicate that he doesn't prioritize or cherish you as much as he should.
He doesn't post about your relationship or you on social media — While not everyone is comfortable sharing personal details online, an intentional avoidance could suggest he's not committed to you publicly.
He doesn't initiate conversations — If you're always the one starting conversations or making plans, that imbalance might signal that he's emotionally checked out.
He cheats or hides suspicious behaviors — The most obvious sign of all—if he's cheating or hiding things from you, it's clear his love isn't real.

It can be painful to acknowledge these signs, but recognizing them early helps you avoid further heartache. Trust your gut, and remember that real love doesn't leave you guessing.

He prefers a secret relationship

When someone loves you genuinely, they are proud to show the world. They don't feel the need to hide you or keep your relationship under wraps. If he prefers to keep your relationship a secret, it raises a huge red flag. Ask yourself: why would he want to keep something so important hidden? Is it because he's unsure about his feelings, or is he keeping his options open?

A secret relationship can make you feel like you're not worthy of public acknowledgment, which is never the case in a loving relationship. Real love isn't afraid of the spotlight—it thrives in it. It's not about broadcasting every detail of your personal life to the world, but if he's consistently avoiding introducing you to friends, family, or even being seen with you in public, then something deeper is at play. Don't let your desire for love cloud the reality that you deserve to be cherished openly, not hidden in the shadows.

He doesn't prioritize you most of the time

Love, at its core, is about making the other person feel valued and prioritized. If he consistently fails to make time for you, cancels plans last minute, or seems to prioritize everything else over your relationship, it's a sign his love may not be real. Of course, we all have busy lives, but when someone loves you, they find ways to include you in their schedule.

You shouldn't have to beg for attention or wonder where you rank on his priority list. Healthy relationships involve mutual effort, where both partners make time for one another. If he only reaches out when it's convenient for him and leaves you feeling like an afterthought, it's time to take a step back and evaluate if his love is as real as you think. Consistency is key, and love shows up, even when life gets busy.

He doesn't inform you before making vital decisions

In a committed relationship, big decisions should be made together. If he's making important life choices without consulting you—whether it's about moving, changing jobs, or anything that affects your future—it's a sign that he doesn't truly see you as part of his long-term plans. Real love involves partnership, and that means you both deserve a voice in decisions that impact your lives.

When someone truly values you and the relationship, they consider your thoughts and feelings before making significant moves. It's not just about needing your approval but about respecting your place in their life. If he's keeping you in the dark about these decisions, it signals that he's not taking the relationship seriously. You deserve to be in a relationship where your opinions matter, and where decisions aren't made in isolation but as a team.

You don't know where you stand in his life

One of the most unsettling feelings in any relationship is uncertainty about where you stand. If you constantly find yourself wondering whether he sees a future with you or what your place is in his life, it's a sign that his love might not be genuine. Real love offers clarity, not confusion. You should never feel like you're in a guessing game, trying to figure out if you're a priority or just an option.

When someone is serious about you, they make your place in their life crystal clear. They talk openly about the future, introduce you to important people in their life, and make sure you know how much you mean to them. If you're left questioning where you fit, it's time to reevaluate whether he's emotionally invested or just keeping you around for convenience. Love should feel secure, not like walking on eggshells, unsure of what tomorrow will bring.

He always claims to be busy

We're all busy—work, social commitments, and personal projects can fill up our schedules quickly. But when someone loves you, they make time, no matter how packed their calendar might be. If he constantly claims to be “too busy” to see you or spend time together, that's a red flag. It's not about his actual schedule, but about his priorities.

Real love doesn't thrive on excuses. If you notice a pattern where he's always unavailable, especially during moments when it's important to connect, it's a sign that something deeper might be wrong. Being busy is one thing, but if you're always the one adjusting your schedule to accommodate his life, you're dealing with someone who isn't making the same effort. Love doesn't need all the time in the world; it just needs enough time to remind you that you matter.

He avoids discussing the future

Talking about the future is a natural part of any serious relationship. It's a sign that both of you are invested in each other's lives and looking to build something meaningful together. If he avoids any discussion about where the relationship is headed, or changes the subject whenever you try to bring it up, that's a major red flag.

A man who loves you wants to include you in his plans. Whether it's a short-term vacation or long-term goals like moving in together, discussing the future means he sees you as a part of his life beyond the present moment. If he's dodging these conversations or giving vague answers, he might not be as committed as you think. Remember, real love involves planning a shared future, not just enjoying the present.

He doesn't value your opinions

A key element of any healthy relationship is respect, and that includes valuing each other's opinions. If he dismisses your thoughts, belittles your ideas, or consistently overrides your perspective, it's a sign that he may not respect you as an equal partner. In a genuine relationship, both partners should feel heard and understood, even when they don't agree. You deserve to have your voice matter.

When love is real, your opinions aren't just acknowledged—they're considered and appreciated. Whether it's something as small as what to eat for dinner or as big as life decisions, your partner should be interested in your viewpoint. If he's always making you feel like your thoughts don't carry weight, it's not just a difference in preferences, it's a lack of respect. You should never feel like you're invisible in the relationship.

He doesn't listen properly during conversations

Listening is a fundamental part of communication, and real love listens with intention. If he constantly zones out when you're talking, interrupts, or changes the subject without acknowledging what you've said, that's a sign he's not truly engaged in the relationship. You shouldn't have to repeat yourself over and over just to be heard.

When someone loves you, they listen not just with their ears, but with their heart. They care about what you're saying because they care about you. If he seems disinterested or only listens when the conversation revolves around his needs, it's time to reassess. Listening is about more than just words—it's about showing that you matter. In a real relationship, conversations build connection, not distance.

He becomes affectionate when he needs something

Affection should come naturally in a relationship, not as a transaction. If you notice that he only becomes affectionate when he needs something—whether it's emotional support, financial help, or even just attention—that's a clear sign his love may not be genuine. True love doesn't put conditions on affection, nor does it turn it on and off based on convenience.

When love is real, affection flows freely, regardless of the situation. You deserve to be with someone who shows care and tenderness because they love you, not because they want something from you. If you feel like he's using affection as a tool to manipulate or get what he wants, it's time to question his intentions. Real love is about giving, not taking.

Your loved ones don't support the relationship

Sometimes, those outside of the relationship can see things that we can't, especially when our emotions are clouding our judgment. If your close friends and family consistently express concern or outright disapproval of your relationship, it's worth taking their opinions seriously. They have your best interests at heart and can often pick up on warning signs that you might overlook.

It's important to balance their views with your own, but if everyone around you seems uneasy or has repeatedly voiced their worries, it's a signal that something isn't right. Real love doesn't isolate you from the people who care about you; instead, it brings more connection and harmony into your life. If your loved ones don't support the relationship, ask yourself why. Sometimes, they can sense that his love isn't what you deserve, even if you haven't realized it yet.

He doesn't want you to meet his loved ones

Meeting each other's friends and family is a natural step in any serious relationship. If he's always making excuses or avoiding introducing you to his loved ones, it's a major red flag. When someone truly loves you, they want to share their world with you, and that includes the people closest to them. Keeping you separate from his inner circle often signals that he's not fully committed or is hiding something.

You deserve to be with someone who proudly introduces you to their loved ones and wants you to be a part of that aspect of their life. If you feel like you're being shut out, it's time to ask why. Real love doesn't hide; it brings you closer, both to each other and to the people that matter most. If you're constantly kept at arm's length, there's a deeper issue at play.

He keeps things from you

Transparency is the foundation of trust in a relationship. If he's keeping secrets or withholding important information from you, it erodes that trust and leaves you feeling uncertain. Whether it's small things like not mentioning plans with friends or bigger issues like hiding financial decisions, secrecy has no place in a healthy relationship.

When someone loves you, they want to be open and honest, even when the truth is difficult. If you find out he's hiding things from you, it's time to confront the situation. Real love is built on trust, and without that trust, the relationship struggles to survive. Ask yourself: if he's keeping these things from me, what else is he hiding? You deserve transparency and honesty, not a relationship filled with shadows and doubt.

He loves to blame you

In any healthy relationship, accountability is key. When issues arise, both partners should be willing to take responsibility for their part in the problem. However, if he consistently shifts the blame onto you—no matter what the situation—it's a clear sign that he's avoiding his own accountability. Whether it's a minor disagreement or a larger issue, if it's always “your fault” in his eyes, this blame game is toxic and harmful.

Real love involves working together to resolve conflicts, not pointing fingers. It requires humility and the ability to admit when you're wrong. If he's always blaming you, it's not just unfair—it's manipulative. This behavior can make you question your own self-worth, leading you to feel guilty or responsible for things that aren't your fault. In a loving relationship, partners own up to their mistakes and work through them as a team.

He cheats or hides suspicious behaviors

Infidelity is one of the most painful betrayals in a relationship. If he cheats or engages in suspicious behaviors that make you question his loyalty, it's a glaring sign that his love isn't real. Cheating often points to a lack of respect, commitment, and emotional investment. Even if there's no concrete proof, behaviors like excessive secrecy with his phone, constantly being unavailable, or vague explanations for his whereabouts are red flags.

Love and trust go hand in hand, and without trust, love can't survive. If he's hiding things from you or acting in a way that sparks doubt in your mind, don't brush it off. Confront the issue directly. Real love thrives on openness and honesty, while fake love hides in secrecy. If you feel like there's something more going on, trust your instincts—because real love doesn't leave you wondering.

How does real love grow over time?

Real love isn't static—it evolves. Over time, the initial infatuation may fade, but what replaces it is something far deeper and more meaningful. As you go through life's ups and downs together, your connection strengthens, not because everything is perfect, but because you learn to navigate the imperfections side by side. Real love grows through shared experiences, challenges, and the constant decision to choose each other, even on the hard days.

As the relationship matures, you might notice that your love shifts from being primarily passionate to being more compassionate and understanding. You begin to appreciate the little things, like the comfort of their presence, the way they support you in tough times, or the laughter you share over simple moments. It's in these quieter stages that love deepens, becoming more than just a feeling—it becomes a partnership, a foundation.

In many ways, real love grows by allowing both people to grow individually, too. When you're with someone who encourages your personal development, your love has the space to expand and flourish. You support each other's goals, lift each other up when needed, and push one another to become the best versions of yourselves. Over time, this mutual growth strengthens the bond, creating a lasting connection that goes beyond the surface.

Ultimately, real love grows through the commitment to understanding each other, the willingness to work through difficulties, and the shared joy of celebrating life together. It's a continuous process of building trust, respect, and intimacy. With time, love becomes not just an emotion but an unbreakable partnership that weathers all storms.

Recommended Resources

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman – A comprehensive guide on building strong, lasting relationships.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller – Explores attachment theory and its impact on love and relationships.
The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm – A philosophical take on what it truly means to love and be loved.

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