17 Biggest Turn Offs in Relationships (You Must Avoid!)

Key Takeaways:

Turn offs can create emotional distance
Small habits can slowly erode trust
Recognizing turn offs can save a relationship
Healthy communication avoids common pitfalls
Respecting boundaries strengthens connection

Why Turn Offs Matter in Relationships

Every relationship has its highs and lows. But often, it's not the big fights or the dramatic moments that cause lasting damage—it's the small, everyday things that slowly chip away at the foundation of trust and attraction. We tend to think that love conquers all, but let's be real: sometimes, love alone isn't enough. Certain behaviors, or "turn offs," can quietly sneak in and create cracks in what once seemed unbreakable.

Why do these little things have such a big impact? Because they signal deeper issues—disrespect, lack of communication, or even emotional distance. And the truth is, these subtle red flags can make someone pull away long before anyone says a word about what's going wrong. Psychologist Dr. John Gottman, known for his research on couples, emphasizes the importance of addressing these signs early. As he says, "It's not the intensity of your fights but the frequency of small moments of disconnection that destroy relationships."

So how do we spot these turn offs before they spiral out of control? And more importantly, how do we stop them from becoming relationship killers? Understanding these dynamics is the first step in avoiding them.

What Are Turn Offs in a Relationship?

Turn offs can be anything that causes you to lose attraction or interest in someone you're dating or partnered with. They are those behaviors, habits, or attitudes that create a gap between two people, sometimes silently. And while some turn offs are universally disliked, others are personal—what bothers one person might not matter to another.

Think of turn offs as tiny wedges driving into your emotional connection. Some of the most common ones include neglecting basic hygiene, being overly jealous, or talking too much about an ex. These behaviors can trigger feelings of discomfort, insecurity, or even resentment.

It's not just about the act itself, though. The deeper issue lies in what that turn off represents. For example, when someone is constantly distracted by their phone, it's not just about the device; it's about feeling unimportant. When someone repeatedly criticizes you, it's not just about their words; it's about feeling undervalued and unseen.

Understanding what turns you off in a relationship is crucial for setting boundaries and communicating needs. And by being mindful of our own behaviors, we can avoid unintentionally pushing our partners away.

How Turn Offs Can Damage Emotional Connections

Turn offs may start small—an offhand comment here, a dismissive action there. But over time, they accumulate like bricks, slowly building a wall between two people. What begins as a minor annoyance can grow into something that silently poisons the emotional connection in a relationship.

When one partner feels consistently turned off by the other's behavior, it chips away at intimacy and trust. Emotional distance creeps in, making it harder to stay connected. Suddenly, those moments of closeness you once cherished feel awkward, forced, or nonexistent. Have you ever felt that way—like you're physically present with someone, but emotionally miles apart?

These moments of disconnect can damage your bond, making you wonder, "Why don't we feel the same anymore?" It's because those little turn offs, left unchecked, can create an environment where you no longer feel safe or valued in the relationship. Over time, they erode the very foundation that intimacy, love, and trust are built on.

We've all heard the saying, "Love is in the details." The reverse is also true: love can unravel in the details. By understanding how turn offs affect the emotional fabric of your relationship, you can begin to address them before they turn into real problems.

The Subtle Ways Turn Offs Create Distance

Turn offs are often subtle—they don't shout, they whisper. They're the moments where you realize your partner is more interested in their phone than in what you're saying, or when you feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells to avoid criticism. These small, seemingly inconsequential moments of disconnection have the power to create a lasting impact.

But why do these moments of discomfort matter so much? The issue isn't just the behavior itself; it's the message behind it. Turn offs send a signal that something deeper is off—whether it's a lack of respect, emotional availability, or simply attentiveness. That's why it feels like something has shifted, even when there hasn't been a big fight or confrontation.

Often, we don't even recognize that turn offs are creating distance until the emotional gap is too wide to bridge easily. It can start with one person feeling ignored or criticized, which leads to pulling away. And before you know it, you're no longer communicating on the same level, which only widens the gap further. This creates a vicious cycle of disconnection.

Relationships thrive on emotional intimacy, and turn offs can be the silent killers of that connection. It's vital to pay attention to these moments and address them head-on before they become the reasons why love begins to fade.

17 Biggest Turn Offs in Relationships (and How to Avoid Them)

Let's face it—every relationship has moments where something your partner does leaves you feeling disconnected, annoyed, or even unattracted. While no one is perfect, recognizing these common turn offs can help you avoid habits that slowly erode the bond between you and your partner. Being aware of them doesn't just improve your relationship; it shows you care enough to grow together. So, what are these relationship killers, and how do we avoid them?

Lack of Communication – When partners stop talking, they stop connecting. The solution? Make time for deep conversations, not just surface-level updates.
Constant Criticism – No one likes to feel judged. Replace negative comments with constructive feedback, and always show appreciation when possible.
Dishonesty and Lies – Trust is everything. Avoid lying, even in small matters, and be transparent with your partner, even when it's hard.
Being Overly Controlling – Trying to control your partner's actions or decisions is a fast track to resentment. Instead, practice trusting and supporting their autonomy.
Selfish Behavior – Relationships are about give and take. When one person is always focused on their own needs, the partnership starts to crumble. Practice empathy and make sure you're not just taking but giving, too.
Ignoring Personal Boundaries – Disrespecting someone's boundaries shows a lack of care. Talk openly about boundaries and respect them without question.
Emotional Unavailability – If you're not emotionally present, it doesn't matter if you're physically there. Avoiding vulnerability can create walls in a relationship; open up and share how you're feeling.
Neglecting Physical Hygiene – Let's be real: hygiene matters. If your partner feels you're not putting in the effort, it can affect attraction. Stay mindful of basic cleanliness.
Rudeness and Disrespect – Disrespectful behavior, whether in public or private, shows a lack of love and regard. Always aim for kindness and patience, even in stressful situations.
Insecurity and Jealousy – Constant jealousy stems from insecurity, and it pushes partners away. Focus on building self-confidence and trust, both in yourself and in your relationship.
Apathy and Disinterest – If you've checked out emotionally, it will show. Stay engaged in your partner's life and in your shared experiences; don't just coast through the relationship.
Talking Excessively About Exes – Constantly bringing up past relationships signals you're still emotionally tied to them. Keep ex talk to a minimum and focus on the present.
Constant Use of Phones During Dates – If your phone is getting more attention than your partner, that's a problem. Set aside tech distractions and be present in the moment.
Unresolved Personal Issues – Whether it's childhood trauma or lingering emotional baggage, unresolved issues can surface and hurt your relationship. Work on healing, whether through therapy or self-reflection.
Poor Listening Skills – Conversations are a two-way street. Practice active listening instead of waiting for your turn to speak. Let your partner feel heard and valued.
Lack of Ambition – A lack of drive can turn off partners who value growth and progress. Be ambitious, not just for yourself, but for the future of your relationship.
Being Too Dependent on Your Partner – No one wants to feel like they are responsible for someone else's happiness. Cultivate independence and balance it with intimacy.

By being mindful of these 17 common turn offs, we can avoid behaviors that chip away at the foundation of a healthy relationship. The goal is to create an environment of mutual respect, trust, and love, where both partners feel heard, valued, and connected.

1. Lack of Communication

Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship. When you stop talking, you stop connecting. It's not just about words; it's about feeling understood, valued, and seen by your partner. The moment communication breaks down, you begin to lose sight of each other's needs, thoughts, and emotions. And let's be honest: assumptions creep in where words should be.

We've all heard that “communication is key,” but many of us struggle with it. Sometimes it feels easier to stay silent, especially when emotions are high. But silence can lead to resentment and misunderstanding. Whether it's discussing daily stresses or sharing deeper feelings, regular, open dialogue is essential.

One way to improve communication is through active listening—giving your partner the time and space to express themselves without interrupting or thinking of your response. Also, try checking in with each other regularly. A simple, "How are we doing?" can open the door to important conversations before issues spiral out of control. Don't wait for a blow-up to start talking; make communication a consistent part of your relationship.

2. Constant Criticism

No one likes feeling attacked, especially by someone they love. Constant criticism is one of the fastest ways to erode trust and affection. When criticism becomes a regular part of your dynamic, your partner starts feeling judged, not loved. There's a difference between expressing a concern and tearing someone down. Constructive feedback offers a solution, while criticism just points out flaws.

Psychologist Dr. Harriet Lerner writes in her book, The Dance of Anger, "If your words consistently hurt, your relationship will inevitably suffer." Harsh words stick, even when we don't intend for them to. So before criticizing, ask yourself: am I helping or hurting with this comment? If it's the latter, consider rephrasing it in a way that fosters understanding rather than resentment.

Relationships thrive when both people feel supported and appreciated, so focus on building each other up instead of tearing each other down. The goal isn't to avoid addressing issues, but to approach them with empathy and kindness. A little appreciation goes a long way in creating a positive, loving environment.

3. Dishonesty and Lies

Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and nothing shatters that foundation faster than dishonesty. Whether it's small white lies or significant deceptions, dishonesty sends a clear message: "I don't trust you enough to tell the truth." Over time, these lies—no matter how minor—build up and create an environment of doubt, where your partner starts questioning everything.

The problem with dishonesty isn't just the lie itself; it's the betrayal of trust. When one partner lies, it forces the other to wonder, "What else are they hiding?" It doesn't take long for insecurity and suspicion to creep in, making it harder to feel safe in the relationship. Once trust is broken, it can take months, even years, to rebuild—if it's ever fully restored.

Author and relationship expert Esther Perel emphasizes that “trust is built slowly, but it can be destroyed in an instant.” The best way to avoid dishonesty is to be transparent, even when the truth is uncomfortable or difficult to share. No one expects perfection, but honesty is non-negotiable. The more open you are with your partner, the stronger your relationship will be.

4. Being Overly Controlling

Trying to control every aspect of your partner's life—what they wear, who they spend time with, or how they make decisions—creates a toxic power dynamic. Control is rooted in fear: fear of being hurt, fear of being left, fear of not being enough. But in trying to control someone, you risk losing them altogether.

When one partner becomes overly controlling, the other starts to feel trapped, suffocated, and ultimately resentful. Freedom is essential for a healthy relationship; without it, love becomes more of a cage than a sanctuary. The need to control is often a sign of deeper insecurity, not a reflection of your partner's behavior.

Instead of trying to control, focus on trust and open communication. Give your partner the space to be themselves without micromanaging their actions. Renowned psychotherapist Terrence Real once said, "If you try to control someone, you teach them how to live without you." True love allows freedom to grow, not confinement.

Remember, a relationship thrives on mutual respect and autonomy. Let your partner make their own choices, and learn to trust their decisions, just as you would want them to trust yours.

5. Selfish Behavior

In any relationship, there needs to be a balance of giving and taking. When selfishness becomes a regular habit, it disrupts this balance, making one partner feel like they're constantly giving while the other only takes. Selfish behavior can manifest in many ways—whether it's making decisions without considering your partner, focusing only on your needs, or expecting constant attention without reciprocating.

When someone prioritizes themselves over the relationship, it sends the message that their partner's feelings or desires don't matter. Over time, this imbalance leads to frustration, resentment, and emotional withdrawal. No one wants to feel like they're being used or taken for granted.

One of the best ways to combat selfishness is to practice empathy. Take a step back and ask yourself, "How does my partner feel about this?" Genuine relationships are about giving, compromising, and supporting one another. Make it a habit to check in with your partner's needs as much as you do with your own. When both partners feel heard and cared for, the relationship grows stronger.

6. Ignoring Personal Boundaries

Respecting personal boundaries is essential for maintaining trust and safety in a relationship. When one partner ignores the other's boundaries—whether emotional, physical, or mental—it creates a dynamic of disrespect. Boundaries are not about shutting each other out; they are about creating healthy spaces where both partners feel safe and respected.

Ignoring personal boundaries can range from reading your partner's private messages without permission to consistently pushing them into situations they're uncomfortable with. When this happens, it sends a signal that their needs and comfort don't matter, leading to feelings of violation and mistrust.

Clear and respectful communication is key here. Discuss boundaries early and often, and remember that they may evolve over time. If your partner tells you something makes them uncomfortable, take it seriously. Healthy relationships require mutual respect, and boundaries are a way to protect that respect. As therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab points out in her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, "Boundaries are a way to love yourself without guilt." It's equally important to honor your partner's boundaries as it is to protect your own.

In relationships, understanding and respecting boundaries builds a foundation of trust, allowing both partners to feel safe and valued.

7. Emotional Unavailability

Emotional unavailability is one of the most frustrating turn offs in a relationship. It's not that the person doesn't care, but they often have trouble expressing their feelings, opening up, or engaging on a deeper level. When you're in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable, it can feel like you're constantly hitting a wall—every attempt to connect is met with distance or avoidance.

We all have moments when we pull back emotionally, but when this becomes a pattern, it can create an emotional gap that's hard to bridge. Emotional unavailability can stem from past trauma, fear of vulnerability, or simply a lack of emotional awareness. But whatever the cause, it leaves the other partner feeling isolated, confused, and unimportant.

The only way to address this is through patience and communication. Encourage your partner to open up without pressuring them. It may take time, but with a supportive environment, many people can learn to become more emotionally available. However, if your partner continues to shut down emotionally, it may be time to reevaluate whether the relationship is meeting your emotional needs.

Dr. Brene Brown, who has studied vulnerability extensively, reminds us, "Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection." Without it, relationships struggle to thrive.

8. Neglecting Physical Hygiene

As shallow as it may sound, physical hygiene is a significant part of attraction and intimacy. No one wants to be close to someone who neglects basic cleanliness. Whether it's skipping showers, bad breath, or an overall lack of grooming, neglecting physical hygiene can create a barrier to both physical and emotional intimacy.

It's not just about how you look or smell; it's about the effort you're putting into the relationship. When you neglect your hygiene, it sends a message that you don't care about how your partner perceives you or how your behavior impacts them. Over time, this can lead to discomfort, reduced attraction, and even resentment.

Keeping up with personal hygiene shows respect for yourself and your partner. It doesn't mean you need to look perfect all the time, but taking care of yourself is a basic way to show that you value the relationship. A little effort goes a long way in maintaining attraction and connection.

Maintaining personal hygiene is one of the simplest ways to keep the spark alive, and it ensures that both partners feel comfortable and cared for in the relationship.

9. Rudeness and Disrespect

Rudeness and disrespect are relationship killers, plain and simple. Whether it's belittling your partner in front of others, making sarcastic remarks, or disregarding their feelings, these behaviors slowly chip away at the bond of love and trust. When someone feels disrespected, they stop feeling valued, and this can quickly spiral into bitterness and emotional detachment.

Disrespect can take many forms: interrupting your partner when they're speaking, dismissing their ideas or feelings, or treating them with contempt during disagreements. These actions create an environment where one person feels small and unseen, and no relationship can thrive under those conditions.

The key to avoiding this toxic dynamic is to practice kindness and empathy, even when emotions are high. Showing respect, even in moments of frustration or anger, can make all the difference. Remember that how you speak and act toward your partner reflects your deeper feelings for them. As Maya Angelou once said, "People will forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel." Keep that in mind the next time you're tempted to snap at your partner in a moment of irritation.

10. Insecurity and Jealousy

Insecurity and jealousy can suffocate a relationship. While it's normal to feel a twinge of jealousy every now and then, constant jealousy signals deeper issues—mainly a lack of trust or self-esteem. When insecurity takes over, it's easy to become overly possessive, paranoid, or even controlling, which leads to resentment and emotional exhaustion for both partners.

Jealousy is often rooted in personal fears of inadequacy or abandonment. You might fear that you're not good enough for your partner or that they'll leave you for someone "better." But acting on these insecurities, whether through accusations, snooping, or constant need for reassurance, only pushes your partner further away.

The healthiest way to deal with jealousy is to focus on building self-confidence and trust—both in yourself and in your partner. Open, honest communication can also help clear up misunderstandings before jealousy spirals out of control. But at the end of the day, no amount of reassurance from your partner can fully soothe jealousy; it's an internal issue that needs to be addressed from within.

As relationship expert Dr. Gary Chapman points out, "Jealousy is often a reflection of how we feel about ourselves." Tackling those feelings head-on, through self-reflection or even therapy, can help ensure that jealousy doesn't erode the trust and intimacy in your relationship.

11. Apathy and Disinterest

One of the most painful experiences in a relationship is realizing your partner no longer seems interested in you or the relationship. Apathy and disinterest can manifest in many ways—failing to ask about each other's day, not putting in effort during dates, or showing little enthusiasm for shared activities. When one partner checks out emotionally, it leaves the other feeling isolated and disconnected.

Relationships require active participation from both people. When apathy sets in, it signals a loss of emotional investment. Without that effort, the relationship can start to feel stagnant or unfulfilling. Often, apathy stems from unresolved issues, boredom, or simply growing apart over time.

The key to reigniting that spark is to be proactive. Talk openly about how you both feel, and look for ways to bring excitement and energy back into the relationship. It might mean trying new things together, taking time for meaningful conversations, or simply being more present in the everyday moments. Without interest and enthusiasm from both partners, the relationship will wither.

12. Talking Excessively About Exes

We all have a past, and exes are often a part of that. But when one person can't stop bringing up their previous relationships, it can create a major turn off for their current partner. Constantly talking about exes can make your partner feel like they're competing with ghosts from your past, or worse, that you're still emotionally attached to those previous relationships.

While it's normal to mention exes occasionally, especially if they were a significant part of your life, excessive focus on them sends the wrong message. It can stir up feelings of insecurity and jealousy, making your partner question whether you're truly invested in the present relationship.

The healthiest approach is to focus on the here and now. Your current partner deserves your full attention, and while your past might have shaped who you are, it shouldn't dominate your conversations. When discussing exes, keep it brief and neutral, and always make it clear that your heart and mind are in your present relationship.

As dating coach Matthew Hussey once said, "Your ex is in your past for a reason—focus on the person in front of you, not the people behind you." This mindset will help prevent unnecessary tension and keep your current relationship moving forward.

13. Constant Use of Phones During Dates

We live in a world where our phones are always within reach, but there's nothing more frustrating than feeling like your partner is more interested in their screen than in you. Constant phone use during dates is a subtle yet powerful turn off. It sends the message that whatever is happening on the phone is more important than the person sitting across from you.

When one partner spends the entire evening scrolling through social media, texting, or checking emails, it creates a disconnect. Dates are meant to be moments of connection and quality time, not background noise to someone's digital life. The more time spent staring at screens, the less time is spent truly engaging with each other.

One way to tackle this is by establishing "phone-free zones" during dates. Agree to put the phones away and focus on each other. A few hours without distractions can lead to deeper conversations and a stronger emotional bond. It's a simple gesture, but it shows your partner that they have your full attention. As a rule of thumb: be present with the person in front of you, not the people on your screen.

14. Unresolved Personal Issues

We all carry emotional baggage from our past, but unresolved personal issues can weigh heavily on a relationship. Whether it's trauma from childhood, unresolved grief, or lingering self-esteem problems, these issues can spill over into the relationship and create tension, misunderstandings, or emotional distance.

When personal issues are left unaddressed, they can lead to destructive behaviors such as lashing out, withdrawing emotionally, or repeating toxic patterns. It's not your partner's job to fix you, but unhealed wounds can make it difficult for both of you to move forward together in a healthy way.

The best way to handle unresolved personal issues is to acknowledge them and take responsibility for your healing. Therapy, self-reflection, and open conversations with your partner about what you're going through can help. Being vulnerable about your struggles not only fosters intimacy but also helps your partner understand what you're dealing with. Remember, a strong relationship is built on growth, both individually and together.

In the words of mental health advocate Glennon Doyle, "We can do hard things." Addressing personal issues may be tough, but the reward is a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.

15. Poor Listening Skills

In any relationship, being heard is just as important as being loved. Poor listening skills can leave one partner feeling ignored, misunderstood, or even dismissed. Conversations become one-sided, with one person talking while the other tunes out or waits for their turn to speak. Over time, this lack of attention can lead to frustration, resentment, and emotional distance.

Good communication isn't just about talking; it's about truly listening. Active listening means focusing on what your partner is saying, responding thoughtfully, and showing empathy. It's about being present in the moment, not thinking about what you'll say next or multitasking while your partner speaks. When you actively listen, you show that you value your partner's thoughts and feelings.

Improving your listening skills starts with small changes. Put down your phone, maintain eye contact, and give your partner your full attention. Reflect back what you've heard to ensure understanding, and ask open-ended questions that encourage deeper conversations. As author Stephen R. Covey once said, "Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." Make understanding your goal, and your relationship will flourish.

16. Lack of Ambition

While love is often seen as the most important aspect of a relationship, ambition plays a crucial role in keeping the partnership thriving. A lack of ambition can be a major turn off, especially for someone who values personal growth and forward momentum. When one partner lacks drive or goals, it can lead to frustration and dissatisfaction in the relationship.

Ambition doesn't just refer to career success—it can also mean having dreams, passions, or a vision for the future. If one partner is constantly pushing forward while the other remains stagnant, it creates a disconnect. The partner with ambition may feel unsupported, while the one without it may feel pressure or judgment.

It's important to have open discussions about where you both see yourselves in the future, and what ambitions you have, individually and together. Supporting each other's goals, no matter how big or small, fosters a sense of teamwork and shared purpose. As Tony Robbins famously said, "Progress equals happiness." When both partners are growing—whether in their careers, personal development, or in the relationship itself—the connection strengthens, and the partnership feels more fulfilling.

17. Being Too Dependent on Your Partner

It's natural to lean on your partner for support, but when that reliance turns into complete dependency, it can become a major turn off. Being overly dependent on your partner places too much pressure on the relationship. It shifts the dynamic from one of mutual support to one where one person becomes responsible for the other's emotional well-being. Over time, this imbalance can lead to frustration, resentment, and even burnout.

Healthy relationships are built on interdependence—where both people support each other but still maintain their own identities and independence. When you rely too much on your partner to fulfill your emotional needs, it can make them feel overwhelmed or suffocated.

To avoid this, make sure you have your own interests, friendships, and ways of coping with stress. Cultivating your independence doesn't mean you love your partner any less; it means you're strong on your own, which only makes the relationship stronger. As life coach and author Iyanla Vanzant says, "You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody." Embrace your individuality while building a partnership based on mutual support.

Conclusion: Building Relationships Free of Turn Offs

No relationship is perfect, and everyone has habits or behaviors that could be seen as turn offs. But the key to maintaining a healthy, lasting relationship is being aware of these potential pitfalls and working together to avoid them. Relationships require effort, communication, and a willingness to grow—both individually and as a couple.

By recognizing these common turn offs and taking proactive steps to address them, you create an environment where both partners feel valued, heard, and supported. This strengthens the emotional connection and builds trust, making the relationship more resilient in the face of challenges.

The goal isn't perfection, but progress. The more you learn about each other's needs, communicate openly, and respect each other's boundaries, the less likely you are to fall into these common relationship traps. Love is built on daily actions—small moments of kindness, respect, and understanding that keep the bond strong. By avoiding turn offs and focusing on what brings you closer, you can create a relationship that thrives.

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