15 Subtle Signs You’re Manipulative (Without Realizing It!)

Most of the time, it's easy to identify a manipulative person. But what if the manipulator is you? It can be heartbreaking to consider that, but self-awareness is key to recognizing behaviors that might cause harm. If you’re seeing subtle signs that you’re being manipulative without meaning to, it’s time to take a deeper look at your own behavior.

Manipulation is about control. In relationships, we use different tactics to control the outcomes. And in some cases, our behavior seems manipulative without even trying. Here are 15 signs you're manipulating people around you without even realizing it.

1. You seldom apologize, preferring to blame others instead.

You don’t believe you need to accept responsibility for your actions and mistakes, no matter how egregious. Instead, when things don’t turn out the way you want, you find explanations for why everything went wrong. Whether it was a friend's misunderstanding or someone else's mistake, it’s always somebody else’s fault never yours.

2. You gossip.

When other people are feeling down, you tend to take advantage of their vulnerability. To feel better about yourself and secure your motivation, you share secrets, stories, and little tidbits of information that’s not yours to share. Gossiping can be a way to distract the listener from whatever troubles them, but a manipulative person will attempt to control the conversation by refusing to shut up.

3. You overreact to criticism.

Rather than accepting constructive criticism, you defend yourself and make excuses. Nothing anyone says can make an emotional dent because you’re skilled in avoiding taking responsibility for your part in anything.

4. You envy other people’s success or accomplishments.

Manipulative people often feel inferior or less capable. When somebody else does well, you feel extreme envy and bitterness. Instead of feeling inspired by their accomplishments, you’re more wiped out, wondering why you can’t achieve similar success.

5. You sell yourself short.

You believe in pretending to be humble. Consequently, any success you do have feels fake and undeserved. On the other hand, you want to downplay yourself and get validation from people who appear to have it all together.

6. You pick on others.

Manipulative people delight in undermining and mocking people around them, regardless of the situation. It might be a casual conversation, or a more serious encounter; either way, manipulating people by picking on others can be a way to deflect attention away from yourself while still achieving some sort of leverage.

7. You manipulate using compliments.

When you have an agenda, you use compliments to trick people into thinking you’re a good person without actually caring about them. If a nagging aunt keeps pressuring you to get married, for example, you respond with a few compliments to take the attention away from your single status and make her feel loved.

8. You're quick to jump to conclusions.

Jumping to conclusions rarely leads to good results, and manipulative people usually rely on it. Making assumptions based on limited or incomplete knowledge can be a sign of insecurity and low self-esteem. You might react quickly to issues and expect others to play along, putting them in an uncomfortable position.

9. You like to be the center of attention.

It’s not enough to be involved or have big plans — manipulative people have to be the ones at the center of attention in order to feel validated. You may never ask for adoration outright, but you do everything possible to put yourself in the spotlight, such as bragging or constantly checking in with others.

10. You're passive-aggressive.

Manipulating others can mean slipping sarcasm and passive-aggression into conversations without them noticing. If a family dinner didn’t turn out exactly how you wanted it to, you follow up the next day with snappy remarks or heavy silence to indicate your displeasure.

11. You dodge inquiries.

If someone close to you has an issue with your behavior, you may try to avoid the discussion by changing the topic or leaving the room. You might also become overly emotional and start talking in circles, distracting the other person from the true issue at hand.

12. You give guilt trips.

Gently pushing someone to do something against their wishes is another form of manipulation. You may try to appeal to your family or friends’ emotions, offering veiled threats or reproachful tones to get your point across.

13. You guilt others into agreeing with you.

On the flipside, your manipulation could include attempts to draw sympathy from others. You become invested in making others feel guilty if they don’t agree with you. You might treat a disagreement as if it was the end of the world, preying on the emotions of those around you.

14. You pressure others by acting helpless or pretending to be in trouble.

Whether it’s a lame excuse or a manufactured crisis, causing guilt in others through drama is a manipulative way to gain control. You want something from someone, so you act pitiful in the hopes that they’ll respond.

15. You make promises you can't keep.

When doing something altruistic isn’t necessary to getting results, standing by your promises isn’t either. Manipulators make false promises to have influence and experience a sense of power within the conversation. You make someone a promise, try to forget it ever happened, and move on.

When we're unaware of our own manipulation, it can be difficult to recognize the signs. Becoming aware of subtle signs that you might be behaving manipulatively gives you more control and helps you curtail potential harm. Remember, manipulation can come in different forms — some of which are far more subtle than others. Be sure to recognize those signs and stay true to yourself.