15 Shocking Truths About Deflection (and How to Stop It)

Key Takeaways:

• Deflection damages trust in relationships.
• Recognize signs of deflecting behavior.
• Address deflection to rebuild connection.
• Therapy can help chronic deflectors.
• Honest communication prevents deflection cycles.

The Hidden Impact of Deflection in Relationships

In the heat of an argument, it can be all too easy to shift blame, avoid responsibility, or sidestep the issue at hand. This is deflection, and while it might seem harmless in the moment, its effects on relationships can be deeply damaging. When one or both partners regularly deflect, trust erodes, and meaningful communication breaks down, leaving a trail of unresolved issues and hurt feelings.

Deflection isn't just about dodging accountability; it's a defense mechanism that, when overused, can create emotional distance and prevent real connection. If you've ever walked away from a disagreement feeling unheard or misunderstood, it's likely that deflection played a role. Understanding what deflection is and why we do it is the first step toward healthier, more honest communication.

What Is Deflecting in a Relationship?

Deflecting in a relationship occurs when one partner avoids addressing their own mistakes or flaws by shifting the focus onto something or someone else. Instead of acknowledging a point of contention, a deflector might change the subject, accuse the other person of being overly sensitive, or bring up past grievances that aren't relevant to the current discussion.

This tactic can be subtle or overt, but its purpose is the same: to divert attention away from the deflector's own shortcomings. For example, if you express frustration about a lack of help around the house, a deflecting partner might respond by saying, “Well, you never help me with anything either!” This response doesn't address the issue but instead redirects the conversation, leaving the original concern unresolved.

Understanding deflection as a form of emotional avoidance can help you recognize when it's happening, either in yourself or in your partner. It's important to note that deflection isn't just a minor annoyance; it's a behavior that can seriously undermine the foundation of trust and respect in any relationship.

The Psychology Behind Deflection: Why Do We Do It?

Deflection isn't just a random behavior; it's deeply rooted in our psychology. At its core, deflection is a defense mechanism, something we unconsciously use to protect ourselves from emotional pain or the discomfort of facing our flaws. It's a way of shielding our self-esteem, avoiding vulnerability, and maintaining a sense of control, even if it comes at the expense of genuine connection.

Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, identified defense mechanisms as strategies that individuals use to cope with reality and maintain their self-image. Deflection, in particular, is a way of projecting our issues onto others, which allows us to avoid the difficult task of self-reflection. By focusing on someone else's faults, we can distract ourselves from our own shortcomings and the anxiety that comes with confronting them.

This behavior often stems from a fear of criticism or rejection. When we deflect, we're essentially saying, "I can't bear to face this, so I'll push it away." It's a survival tactic, but one that ultimately sabotages our relationships. Recognizing this can be the first step in breaking the cycle and learning to engage in more honest, open communication.

Common Signs of Deflecting in an Argument

Deflecting can take many forms, and it's not always easy to spot. However, there are some common signs that might indicate deflection is at play during an argument. If you find yourself or your partner frequently changing the subject, shifting blame, or bringing up unrelated past issues, deflection is likely happening.

One classic sign of deflection is responding to a concern with a counter-accusation. For example, if you mention feeling hurt by something your partner said, they might respond by pointing out something hurtful you said last week. This tactic effectively derails the conversation and prevents resolution of the original issue.

Another indicator is minimizing your feelings or dismissing them altogether. Phrases like "You're overreacting" or "You're too sensitive" are common ways that deflectors invalidate their partner's emotions, steering the conversation away from the real problem.

Recognizing these signs is crucial because it allows you to address the behavior head-on, instead of getting caught up in the cycle of deflection. By understanding what deflection looks like, you can start to break the pattern and engage in more meaningful, productive discussions.

How Deflection Erodes Trust and Connection

Trust is the bedrock of any healthy relationship, and once it's broken, rebuilding it can be a daunting task. Deflection chips away at trust because it creates a pattern of avoidance and dishonesty. When you deflect, you're essentially refusing to engage with the issues at hand, leaving your partner feeling unheard and invalidated. Over time, this behavior can cause significant damage, leading to resentment, frustration, and emotional distance.

In a relationship where deflection is common, the connection between partners weakens. Communication becomes superficial, with real issues being swept under the rug instead of being addressed. This lack of transparency erodes the emotional intimacy that's crucial for a strong partnership. When one or both partners consistently deflect, it sends the message that they are unwilling to confront and resolve conflicts, which can ultimately lead to a breakdown in the relationship.

Moreover, deflection often leads to a vicious cycle where unresolved issues accumulate, causing a buildup of tension and mistrust. Instead of working through problems together, couples become locked in a pattern of deflection and avoidance, which only drives them further apart. The longer this behavior continues, the harder it becomes to re-establish trust and reconnect on a meaningful level.

The Emotional Toll of Being Deflected

Being on the receiving end of deflection can be incredibly hurtful and frustrating. When your feelings and concerns are constantly brushed aside or invalidated, it can leave you feeling isolated and misunderstood. This emotional toll can manifest in various ways, including anxiety, self-doubt, and even depression.

When deflection becomes a regular part of your interactions, you may start to question your own perceptions and feelings. This is a form of gaslighting, where you begin to doubt your reality because your concerns are consistently minimized or dismissed. Over time, this can erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless in the relationship.

It's important to recognize that being deflected is not a reflection of your worth or validity. The issue lies with the deflector's inability to face their own shortcomings, not with your feelings or concerns. However, the emotional impact of being deflected is real and should not be underestimated. If left unaddressed, it can lead to deep emotional scars and a sense of disconnect that is difficult to repair.

Why Some People Deflect More Than Others

Not everyone deflects to the same degree, and there are several factors that can influence why some individuals rely on this defense mechanism more than others. One of the primary reasons is upbringing. If someone grew up in an environment where vulnerability was discouraged or punished, they might have learned to protect themselves by deflecting attention away from their mistakes or flaws. This behavior can become ingrained over time, making it a default response in stressful situations.

Personality traits also play a significant role. People who are more defensive by nature, or those who struggle with low self-esteem, are more likely to deflect as a way of preserving their self-image. Deflection allows them to avoid facing the discomfort of admitting fault or acknowledging personal shortcomings. In contrast, individuals with a strong sense of self-awareness and confidence are typically better equipped to confront their issues head-on, without resorting to deflection.

Additionally, past experiences can shape how often someone deflects. For example, if a person has faced severe criticism or rejection in the past, they might develop a habit of deflecting as a protective measure. It becomes a way to shield themselves from further emotional pain, even if it means sacrificing honesty and connection in their relationships.

How to Recognize Deflection in Yourself

Recognizing deflection in yourself can be challenging because it often happens subconsciously. However, becoming aware of this behavior is crucial if you want to improve your communication and strengthen your relationships. One of the first steps is to pay attention to your reactions during disagreements or conflicts. Do you find yourself immediately shifting the focus away from your actions or words? Do you bring up unrelated issues or counter-accusations when confronted with criticism?

If the answer is yes, you might be deflecting. Another key indicator is defensiveness. If you feel an overwhelming need to defend yourself, even when the criticism is valid, this could be a sign that you're avoiding the underlying issue. It's important to take a step back and reflect on why you're feeling defensive and whether your reaction is helping or hindering the conversation.

Journaling can be a helpful tool in recognizing deflection. After an argument or conflict, write down what was said, how you responded, and what you were feeling at the time. This can provide insights into patterns of deflection and help you identify triggers that lead to this behavior. By becoming more aware of when and why you deflect, you can start to make conscious efforts to address issues directly, rather than avoiding them.

The Role of Deflection in Toxic Relationships

Deflection is often a key feature of toxic relationships, where one or both partners use it as a tool to manipulate and control the narrative. In such relationships, deflection isn't just a defense mechanism—it's a way to avoid accountability and shift blame onto the other person. This can create a power imbalance, where the deflecting partner consistently dodges responsibility, leaving the other person feeling confused, frustrated, and increasingly powerless.

In these toxic dynamics, deflection can be a form of emotional abuse. When one partner refuses to address their behavior and instead turns every issue back onto the other person, it creates a cycle of blame and denial. The non-deflecting partner may start to internalize these deflections, believing that they are the source of all problems in the relationship, which can severely damage their self-esteem and emotional well-being.

Moreover, toxic relationships that involve constant deflection often lack any real resolution of conflicts. Issues are perpetually swept under the rug, leading to a build-up of resentment and unresolved anger. This not only erodes trust but also prevents any meaningful growth or healing within the relationship. If deflection is a recurring issue, it's important to recognize it as a red flag and consider whether the relationship is healthy and sustainable.

How to Argue Effectively with Someone Who Deflects

Arguing with someone who deflects can feel like a never-ending battle, where no resolution is ever truly reached. However, there are strategies you can use to navigate these conversations more effectively. The first step is to remain calm and composed, even when you feel frustrated. Deflectors often rely on emotional reactions to derail the conversation, so maintaining your cool can help you stay focused on the issue at hand.

One effective technique is to gently but firmly steer the conversation back to the original point. For example, if your partner deflects by bringing up an unrelated issue, you might say, "I understand that's a concern, but right now, we're talking about [the original issue]. Can we address that first?" This approach acknowledges their feelings without letting the conversation veer off course.

It's also helpful to ask direct questions that require the deflector to engage with the issue. For instance, instead of making accusations, try asking, "Can you help me understand why you did that?" or "What do you think we can do to resolve this?" This shifts the focus away from blame and toward finding a solution, making it harder for the deflector to avoid the topic.

Finally, setting boundaries is crucial. If deflection becomes a persistent problem, make it clear that you need to have honest, direct conversations to move forward. Let your partner know that deflection is not acceptable and that you're committed to working through issues together, but only if both parties are willing to be open and accountable.

5 Practical Steps to Address and Stop Deflection

Stopping deflection in its tracks requires both self-awareness and a commitment to change. Here are five practical steps that can help you or your partner break the cycle of deflection and foster healthier communication:

1. Identify the Pattern: The first step is recognizing when deflection occurs. Pay attention to conversations where topics are frequently changed or blame is shifted. Acknowledge these moments as deflection.
2. Stay Focused on the Issue: When you notice deflection happening, calmly steer the conversation back to the original point. Use phrases like, "Let's get back to what we were discussing," to keep the discussion on track.
3. Practice Self-Reflection: Encourage yourself or your partner to reflect on why deflection is happening. What emotions are being avoided? What fears or insecurities are at play? Understanding the underlying reasons can help in addressing the root cause.
4. Communicate Openly and Honestly: Foster an environment where both parties feel safe to express their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. This can reduce the need to deflect and encourage more direct communication.
5. Seek Professional Help if Needed: If deflection is deeply ingrained, it might be helpful to seek the guidance of a therapist. A professional can offer tools and strategies to overcome this behavior and improve relationship dynamics.

The Power of Owning Your Mistakes: A Path to Healthier Communication

One of the most powerful ways to counteract deflection is by owning your mistakes. Admitting when you're wrong can be incredibly difficult, especially if you're used to deflecting. However, taking responsibility for your actions is a crucial step toward building trust and improving communication in any relationship.

Owning your mistakes doesn't just benefit your partner; it also helps you grow as an individual. When you acknowledge your shortcomings, you open the door to personal development and deeper self-awareness. This willingness to be vulnerable can strengthen your relationship, as it shows your partner that you're committed to being honest and transparent, even when it's uncomfortable.

Moreover, by taking responsibility, you set a positive example for your partner. It encourages a culture of accountability in the relationship, where both parties feel safe to admit their faults without fear of blame or retaliation. This shift can lead to more meaningful and productive conversations, where issues are addressed head-on rather than being avoided or deflected.

In the words of Brené Brown, a renowned researcher and author, "Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity." By embracing vulnerability and owning your mistakes, you pave the way for a deeper, more authentic connection with your partner.

When to Seek Help: Therapy for Chronic Deflection Issues

While occasional deflection can be addressed through open communication and self-awareness, chronic deflection often requires professional intervention. If deflection has become a habitual response that disrupts your relationship consistently, it might be time to seek the help of a therapist. Therapy provides a safe space where you can explore the underlying causes of deflection, such as unresolved trauma, low self-esteem, or deep-seated fears of vulnerability.

A skilled therapist can help you and your partner identify the patterns of deflection in your relationship and offer strategies to break the cycle. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), for instance, can be particularly effective in addressing deflection by helping individuals recognize and change the thought patterns that lead to this behavior. In some cases, couples therapy may be beneficial, allowing both partners to work together on improving communication and rebuilding trust.

Seeking therapy isn't a sign of failure; rather, it's a proactive step toward healing and strengthening your relationship. By addressing chronic deflection with the help of a professional, you can learn healthier ways to cope with conflict and foster a more honest and open connection with your partner.

The Long-Term Effects of Deflection on Relationships

Deflection, if left unchecked, can have serious long-term consequences for a relationship. Over time, the constant avoidance of issues can lead to a build-up of unresolved conflicts, which can create a toxic environment where neither partner feels heard or valued. This accumulation of unaddressed problems can result in a deep sense of dissatisfaction and disconnection, eroding the foundation of the relationship.

One of the most damaging effects of long-term deflection is the gradual loss of trust. When deflection is a recurring pattern, it sends the message that honesty and accountability are not priorities in the relationship. This can lead to feelings of betrayal, as one or both partners may feel that their concerns are consistently dismissed or invalidated. Trust, once broken, is difficult to rebuild, and without it, the relationship may struggle to survive.

Additionally, deflection can lead to emotional exhaustion. Continuously having to navigate around deflection, whether as the one deflecting or the one being deflected, is mentally and emotionally draining. It creates a cycle of frustration and resentment, making it increasingly difficult to engage in constructive conversations or find common ground.

Ultimately, the long-term effects of deflection can result in the breakdown of the relationship. Partners may become distant, emotionally detached, or even consider ending the relationship altogether if the pattern of deflection continues. Recognizing these potential consequences can serve as a powerful motivator to address deflection early and work toward more effective, honest communication.

Breaking the Cycle: How to Foster Honest Communication

Breaking the cycle of deflection and fostering honest communication requires a deliberate and consistent effort from both partners. It starts with a commitment to transparency and a willingness to engage in difficult conversations. While this may be uncomfortable at first, the rewards of honest communication far outweigh the temporary discomfort of vulnerability.

One effective way to foster honesty is by creating an environment where both partners feel safe to express their thoughts and feelings. This means actively listening without judgment, acknowledging each other's emotions, and responding with empathy. When both partners feel heard and understood, the need to deflect diminishes, paving the way for more meaningful and productive discussions.

Setting aside regular time for open dialogue can also be beneficial. Whether it's a weekly check-in or a designated time to talk after a disagreement, having a routine for communication helps prevent issues from festering and becoming bigger problems down the road. During these conversations, focus on being direct and clear about your concerns, while also being open to hearing your partner's perspective.

Another crucial aspect of fostering honest communication is learning to accept and give constructive criticism. Rather than reacting defensively or deflecting when faced with criticism, try to view it as an opportunity for growth. Emphasize that the goal is to improve the relationship, not to assign blame. When criticism is framed in a constructive manner, it becomes a tool for strengthening the bond between partners, rather than a source of conflict.

Finally, it's important to practice patience and forgiveness. Breaking the cycle of deflection won't happen overnight, and there will likely be setbacks along the way. However, by remaining patient with each other and forgiving past mistakes, you can build a foundation of trust and mutual respect. Over time, this will lead to a deeper, more honest connection that can withstand the challenges that come your way.

Recommended Resources

• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown – A guide to embracing vulnerability and living a wholehearted life.
• Daring Greatly by Brené Brown – Insights into the power of vulnerability and how it fosters true connection.
• Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg – Techniques for communicating with empathy and honesty.