15 Shocking Signs He's Using You (Is It Love or Convenience?)

Key Takeaways:

Spot signs of emotional manipulation
Set boundaries to protect yourself
Differentiate love from convenience
Trust your gut feelings
Recognize your self-worth

What does it mean to be used in a relationship?

Being used in a relationship feels like you're giving endlessly but receiving nothing in return. It's an emotionally draining experience that leaves you questioning your worth, and your partner's true intentions. When someone is using you, they typically take advantage of your kindness, time, or resources without any genuine care for your emotional or physical well-being.

Relationships should be based on mutual respect, love, and effort from both sides. If only one person is making sacrifices while the other reaps the rewards, it's a clear imbalance that can lead to feelings of resentment, confusion, and pain.

Think about this: do you often feel unappreciated or like your needs are being brushed aside? If so, this could be a major red flag that you're being used. A healthy relationship is about giving and receiving in equal measure, not one person benefiting at the expense of the other.

How to know if a guy is using you or likes you

Figuring out whether he genuinely likes you or is simply using you can feel like trying to solve a riddle. We've all been there, where we overanalyze every little detail, hoping to find clues about where his heart really lies.

The reality is that actions speak louder than words. If he's truly into you, he will make an effort to show it—through consistency, care, and consideration. If he's using you, you'll notice a pattern of selfish behavior, where your needs always take a backseat to his own.

Here's an important tip: if his interest in you only seems to flare up when he wants something from you, that's a huge red flag. Also, if he's vague about commitment or avoids serious discussions about your future together, these are telltale signs that he's not in it for love, but rather convenience.

Trust your gut. If something feels off, it's worth exploring why. A genuine connection should leave you feeling valued, not confused or insecure.

15 signs he's using you

Let's get straight to it: if he's using you, the signs will be glaring, even if you don't want to admit it. Sometimes, we want to believe the best in someone, but when the evidence piles up, you have to face the truth. Here's what to watch for:

He doesn't put in effort: Relationships require effort. If he's leaving all the planning, decision-making, or emotional labor to you, that's a red flag. Ask yourself, does he even care?
He won't talk about commitment: Whenever you bring up the future, he dodges the conversation or makes excuses. This behavior shows he might not see you as a long-term priority.
He doesn't engage you in conversation: Healthy relationships involve communication, but if he avoids deep conversations or never asks about your thoughts, he's not invested in knowing you.
He only calls you for one thing: If he mainly reaches out for physical intimacy or whenever he needs something, this is a clear sign that his interest is surface-level.
You don't know his friends or family: A guy who is serious about you will introduce you to important people in his life. If you're kept a secret, he may not see the relationship as serious.
He doesn't check in when you're apart: A man who values you will stay connected. If you feel like you're the only one making the effort, it's time to re-evaluate.
He's selfish: It's always about him, his needs, his schedule, and what he wants. If there's no balance, it's a sign he's taking more than he gives.
There is no courtship: No dates, no flowers, no thoughtfulness. Courtship doesn't end when you get together—it's a sign of respect and genuine interest.
He doesn't have empathy for you: When you're upset, he doesn't care. Empathy is crucial in any relationship, and without it, there's no emotional connection.
You are his bank account: Does he often ask you for money or financial help? If so, he's likely using you for material gain, not because he cares about you.
You don't know each other: If your conversations never go beyond small talk, how can you form a real bond? Emotional intimacy is essential.
You suspect you're his sidepiece: If you've noticed shady behavior like hiding his phone or avoiding being seen with you, trust your gut—you could be a second option.
He doesn't communicate: Poor communication is a sign that he's not interested in solving issues or growing together.
You never go out on real dates: If your time together only happens behind closed doors, there's likely a reason for that, and it's not a good one.
He's always asking you for something: Whether it's money, favors, or emotional support, if he's constantly taking without giving back, it's time to walk away.

The emotional impact of being used

Let's talk about the emotional toll. Being used by someone you care about can leave you feeling drained, unworthy, and doubting yourself. It's not just about the immediate hurt—it seeps into your self-esteem and colors how you view future relationships.

You might find yourself questioning, "Was it me? Did I do something wrong?" But here's the truth: being used is never your fault. People who use others tend to lack empathy and are focused solely on their own needs. This emotional manipulation can cause deep wounds that take time to heal.

It's vital to surround yourself with supportive friends or even a therapist to help rebuild your confidence and self-worth after such an experience. Remember, your value doesn't diminish just because someone else failed to see it.

Why some people overlook the signs

It's easy to miss the signs when you're emotionally invested. Love, or even the hope of love, can cloud judgment. We tend to see what we want to see, and this makes it hard to recognize when someone's behavior is harmful. Have you ever thought, “Maybe he's just busy” or “He'll change if I give him more time”? These are common rationalizations that many of us fall into.

Another reason we overlook the signs is fear. Fear of being alone, of starting over, or of facing the truth that we've been used can keep us in toxic situations longer than we should be. It's painful to admit that someone you care about doesn't feel the same way, but recognizing this is the first step to healing.

Psychologists refer to this as “cognitive dissonance.” It's the discomfort we feel when our actions and beliefs don't align. You might believe you deserve to be treated with love and respect, but when you stay with someone who doesn't give that to you, your mind finds ways to justify staying. It's a self-protection mechanism that can sometimes work against you.

How to stop being used by a guy

Taking control starts with setting boundaries and recognizing your worth. You are not here to be anyone's backup plan, emotional crutch, or personal ATM. If you feel like someone is using you, the best thing you can do is assert your needs and set clear boundaries. And yes, this might mean difficult conversations—or even walking away.

First, stop over-giving. If you're constantly sacrificing your time, energy, and resources for someone who never reciprocates, it's time to pull back. Start prioritizing yourself and your well-being. This doesn't mean being selfish; it means demanding the respect you deserve.

Next, trust your instincts. If something feels off, it probably is. Don't wait for concrete proof—your feelings are enough. If you sense that someone is taking advantage of you, confront it early. It's easier to address the issue when it first arises than after months (or years) of being strung along.

Finally, remember that saying “no” is not only okay, it's necessary. A healthy relationship involves give and take, and if you're the only one giving, then something is wrong. Boundaries help you protect your energy and emotional health, so don't be afraid to enforce them.

Steps to build self-respect in relationships

Self-respect is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Without it, we risk letting others walk all over us. But how do you actually build that self-respect, especially when you feel like you've lost it? Here are a few steps to start reclaiming your sense of worth:

1. Know your boundaries: Before you can expect others to respect you, you need to set clear boundaries for yourself. These could be emotional, physical, or even financial. Boundaries are like invisible lines that protect your mental and emotional well-being.

2. Practice self-care: Taking care of yourself isn't selfish—it's essential. Whether it's taking time for hobbies, exercising, or just resting, prioritize your needs. Self-care sends a message to both you and others that you value yourself.

3. Learn to say no: It can feel uncomfortable at first, but saying “no” is one of the most empowering things you can do. You don't owe anyone an explanation for why you need to protect your time and energy. The more you practice, the more natural it becomes.

4. Surround yourself with supportive people: The company you keep plays a massive role in how you see yourself. When you're around people who respect and uplift you, your self-worth will naturally grow. Distance yourself from those who bring negativity or make you feel lesser.

5. Stop apologizing for your needs: Your feelings and needs are valid, and you should never feel guilty for expressing them. In a healthy relationship, your partner will respect and support your desires, not belittle or ignore them.

Understanding attachment styles and their role

Attachment styles can explain a lot about why we stay in unhealthy relationships or why we keep attracting certain types of partners. The way we bond with others often stems from our childhood experiences and plays out in our romantic relationships.

There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. A secure attachment style means you feel confident in your relationships and trust that your partner will meet your emotional needs. But if you have an anxious attachment, you might feel overly needy or worry constantly about being abandoned. This can lead you to tolerate more mistreatment because you fear being alone.

With an avoidant attachment style, you might distance yourself emotionally and avoid getting too close, which can result in partners feeling neglected or used. A disorganized attachment style often stems from trauma, leading to a confusing push-pull dynamic in relationships, where you crave intimacy but fear it at the same time.

Understanding your attachment style is key to improving your relationships. If you find yourself repeating negative patterns, it's worth exploring whether your attachment style is playing a role. Therapy can be incredibly helpful in this process, allowing you to rewire unhealthy behaviors and build healthier connections.

Common mistakes to avoid when evaluating his intentions

When trying to figure out if someone truly cares about you or is using you, it's easy to get caught in traps that cloud your judgment. Here are a few common mistakes people make when evaluating a partner's intentions:

1. Ignoring red flags: You might see behaviors that make you uncomfortable but brush them off because you want to believe the best in him. Things like avoiding serious conversations, being inconsistent with his words and actions, or dismissing your feelings—these are signs you shouldn't ignore.

2. Confusing physical attraction with love: Just because the chemistry is there doesn't mean he's invested emotionally. It's easy to mistake intense physical attraction for deeper feelings, but lust alone is not love. Make sure there's emotional intimacy, too.

3. Believing words over actions: He might tell you exactly what you want to hear, but if his actions don't match, pay attention to what he's doing rather than what he's saying. Consistency between words and actions is a good indicator of true intentions.

4. Rationalizing bad behavior: “He's just stressed” or “He'll change soon”—sound familiar? Rationalizing or making excuses for disrespectful or inconsiderate behavior only allows him to continue mistreating you. Hold him accountable for his actions.

5. Moving too quickly: When emotions are high, it's tempting to rush into things. But moving too fast can blind you to important red flags. Take the time to really get to know him before making any serious commitments.

Trusting your intuition in relationships

Your gut feeling is a powerful guide, and it often knows the truth before your mind can process it. How many times have you felt that little nudge of discomfort but brushed it aside because you didn't want to overthink? We've all been there, but it's time to start listening.

Intuition, or that "gut feeling," is your subconscious processing information based on past experiences and present observations. If something feels off, there's usually a reason. Don't ignore that uneasy feeling when he cancels plans last minute, avoids answering direct questions, or disappears for days without explanation.

Here's the thing: your intuition isn't paranoia. It's your internal alarm system. Trusting it can save you from heartache down the road. If you consistently feel anxious or doubtful about his intentions, don't dismiss those feelings. They're there to protect you. You know yourself and what feels right better than anyone else.

Take a step back and ask yourself: do I feel secure and valued in this relationship? If the answer is no, your intuition may already have the answer you're seeking.

Is it love or just convenience? How to tell the difference

One of the hardest things to figure out in a relationship is whether someone is with you because they truly love you or if you're just convenient for them. Love means choosing someone over and over, through both good times and bad, while convenience is often about what's easiest in the moment.

Love involves sacrifice and compromise. It means showing up even when it's not easy. If he's only around when it benefits him or when it's convenient, that's not love. Does he make an effort to be with you when things get tough, or does he disappear? If he's avoiding conflict, emotional connection, or long-term discussions, it's more likely he's in it for convenience.

Another sign is emotional investment. Someone who loves you will care about your feelings, goals, and well-being. They will want to see you grow and succeed. But if it feels like he's there when things are fun but absent when you need emotional support, that's a clear sign of convenience.

How much does he put into the relationship? Is he willing to put effort into making things work, or does he rely on you to handle all the emotional labor? Love is about giving and receiving. If you're the only one giving, he might just be sticking around because it's easy.

How to stop obsessing over whether he loves you or is using you

Constantly worrying about whether someone truly loves you or is just using you can become exhausting. Obsessing over this question can take a toll on your mental health and self-esteem. It's time to take a step back and focus on regaining your peace of mind.

First, stop overanalyzing every little detail. When you're anxious about someone's feelings, you might try to decode every text, action, or comment. But this only fuels your obsession. Instead, look at the bigger picture. Is he consistent in his behavior? Do his actions line up with his words?

Second, focus on yourself. When you're consumed by thoughts of whether he loves you, it's easy to lose sight of your own needs and happiness. Shift your focus inward. Engage in activities you enjoy, spend time with friends, and invest in self-care. The more you focus on building your own life, the less power these obsessive thoughts will have over you.

Third, ask yourself why you're obsessing. Are you afraid of being alone? Are you afraid of making the wrong choice? Sometimes, this obsession is less about him and more about your own fears and insecurities. Addressing these underlying concerns can help you break free from the cycle of constant questioning.

Finally, communicate openly. If you're still unsure, having a direct conversation about where you both stand can bring clarity. While it might feel scary, being honest about your feelings can help you find peace, one way or another.

Recognizing emotional manipulation tactics

Emotional manipulation can be incredibly subtle, which is why it's so dangerous. It leaves you questioning your own reality and feeling guilty for things that aren't your fault. The key to stopping it is recognizing the tactics being used against you.

Guilt-tripping: If he constantly makes you feel guilty for setting boundaries or expressing your needs, this is a classic manipulation tactic. He might say things like, “After all I've done for you, this is how you treat me?” to make you feel bad for standing up for yourself.

Gaslighting: This tactic is all about making you doubt your own memories or perceptions. He might say, “That never happened,” or “You're being too sensitive,” when you bring up concerns. Over time, this can leave you feeling confused and unsure of what's real.

Silent treatment: If he withdraws communication whenever you bring up an issue or ask for something, this is emotional manipulation. The silent treatment is meant to punish you until you apologize or give in to his demands, even if you've done nothing wrong.

Love-bombing followed by withdrawal: One minute, he showers you with affection, and the next, he's distant. This creates an emotional rollercoaster, leaving you constantly trying to win back the good feelings. It's a way of keeping you hooked, while controlling when and how affection is given.

Recognizing these behaviors is the first step toward taking back control. Once you see what's happening, you can decide whether this relationship is healthy for you or if it's time to walk away.

The role of boundaries in protecting yourself

Boundaries are your personal limits—they tell others what's acceptable and what isn't. Without them, relationships can quickly become unbalanced and even harmful. Setting boundaries is not about pushing people away; it's about protecting your emotional, mental, and even physical well-being.

Boundaries tell others how to treat you. When you set a boundary, you're making it clear what you will and won't tolerate. If he disrespects that boundary, it's a signal that he doesn't value your feelings or needs. A partner who cares about you will respect these limits without question.

They help you stay in control. When you don't have boundaries, it's easy for others to dictate how you should feel or act. But when you have clear limits, you're in control of your own space and emotional health. You can decide what works for you, rather than constantly trying to meet someone else's demands.

Enforcing boundaries builds self-respect. The more you practice setting and enforcing boundaries, the more you'll feel confident in your self-worth. It's a way of saying, “I deserve to be treated with respect, and I won't accept anything less.” This mindset shifts the dynamic of your relationships, ensuring that you're not just giving, but also receiving the respect and care you deserve.

At the end of the day, boundaries are a form of self-care. They ensure that you protect your energy, your emotions, and your sense of self, allowing you to thrive in healthy, supportive relationships.

Rebuilding your self-worth after realizing you've been used

Realizing that someone has used you can leave you feeling broken, questioning your worth, and doubting your ability to trust again. But here's the truth—you are not defined by how someone else treated you. Rebuilding your self-worth takes time, but it's absolutely possible.

Start with self-compassion. You might be tempted to beat yourself up for not seeing the signs sooner, but remember that hindsight is 20/20. You did the best you could with the information you had at the time. Forgive yourself for any perceived mistakes and focus on healing.

Reconnect with your passions. One of the best ways to rebuild self-worth is by reconnecting with what makes you happy. Whether it's diving into a hobby, taking on new challenges, or spending time with supportive friends, doing things that bring you joy will remind you of your value.

Surround yourself with positive influences. After being used, you need people in your life who genuinely care about you and lift you up. Surround yourself with friends and family who remind you of your worth and help you stay focused on your growth.

Set new boundaries. Part of rebuilding your self-worth means learning to protect yourself from future situations where you might be used again. Clear boundaries are key. They remind you, and others, that your time, energy, and emotions are valuable.

Rebuilding after being used isn't about “getting back” at the person who hurt you. It's about reclaiming your power, healing, and stepping into the next chapter of your life stronger and more self-assured than before.

Why closure is important after realizing the truth

Once you've recognized that you were being used, seeking closure becomes a crucial part of moving on. Closure doesn't mean you need a final conversation with the person who hurt you—it's more about finding peace within yourself.

Closure helps you process your emotions. Without it, unresolved feelings of anger, sadness, or confusion can linger, keeping you stuck in the past. Giving yourself the space to grieve what you thought the relationship was and what it actually turned out to be is part of this process.

It brings clarity and acceptance. When you've been used, it's common to replay events in your head, trying to make sense of what happened. Closure allows you to stop searching for answers that might never come and instead accept the reality of the situation. This clarity helps you let go and move forward.

It allows you to reclaim your narrative. Being used can make you feel powerless, but closure helps you take control of your story. You acknowledge what happened, you accept it, and you choose to move forward. This step is crucial in regaining your sense of agency and self-worth.

Closure isn't about getting an apology or explanation from the person who hurt you—it's about making peace with what happened and deciding not to let it define your future.

How to communicate your needs in a healthy relationship

Communicating your needs is essential for any relationship to thrive. But this can be easier said than done, especially if you're used to putting others' needs ahead of your own. The good news is, with practice, you can learn to express yourself clearly and confidently.

Be honest and direct: Don't assume your partner knows what you need if you don't say it. Be clear and direct, using “I” statements to express your feelings. For example, “I feel hurt when we don't spend quality time together” is much more effective than “You never spend time with me.” The former focuses on your feelings, not accusations.

Choose the right time to talk: Timing is everything. Don't bring up serious topics when either of you is distracted, stressed, or in a rush. Set aside dedicated time to have meaningful conversations where both of you can be present and open to listening.

Listen as much as you speak: Healthy communication is a two-way street. After expressing your needs, give your partner the chance to share their perspective. Listen actively and avoid interrupting. This will show that you value their input, creating a more balanced conversation.

Don't be afraid to repeat yourself: Sometimes, it takes more than one conversation for both partners to fully understand and meet each other's needs. Don't hesitate to revisit the topic if things don't change right away. Building healthy communication takes time, patience, and persistence.

Commonly asked questions

How do I know if he is using me for sex? If he only seems interested in spending time with you when intimacy is involved, but is emotionally distant outside of that, it's a red flag. If he avoids deeper emotional connection or conversations about the future, he may be in it just for physical pleasure.

How do I know if he is using me for money? A clear sign is if he frequently asks for financial help but offers nothing in return—emotionally, materially, or otherwise. Does he conveniently disappear when you have money issues or avoid discussions about paying you back? If so, he may be taking advantage of your generosity.

How do I know if he is using me for emotional support? When someone is using you for emotional support, they often offload their problems onto you but don't offer the same in return. If your relationship feels one-sided and he's never there for you when you need emotional help, it's likely he's using you as his emotional crutch.

How do I know if he is using me for attention? If he seems to only reach out when he's lonely, bored, or wants validation, this could be a sign he's using you for attention. He may avoid deeper conversations or long-term commitment but still seek out your company when he needs an ego boost.

How do I know if he is using me for his personal gain? If you find yourself helping him more often than not—whether it's with his career, social standing, or other personal benefits—without much reciprocation, he might be using you for what you can provide rather than for who you are. A relationship should never feel transactional.

In conclusion

Coming to the realization that someone may have been using you is painful, but it's also empowering. Once you recognize the signs, you can take steps to protect yourself, rebuild your self-worth, and focus on the relationships that truly matter. The key to moving forward is understanding that being used doesn't reflect your value—it reflects the other person's lack of integrity.

Remember, you deserve a relationship that is built on mutual respect, love, and care. Anything less isn't worth your time or energy. Take the lessons you've learned, set clear boundaries, and trust yourself to choose partners who value and cherish you. Don't settle for less than what you deserve.

As you move forward, don't forget to prioritize your own emotional well-being. Seek closure, practice self-care, and surround yourself with people who lift you up. With time and self-compassion, you will heal from this experience and emerge even stronger than before. You have the power to create the kind of relationship—and life—you truly want.

Recommended Resources

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People – and Break Free by Dr. Stephanie Sarkis

Sign In